Hi Alexxy,

It sounds like you need to change your mindset about him. He is not a part of you. You have an attachment to him and have experiences with him, but he, himself, is not part of you, so letting go of him really is not letting go a part of yourself. Try to not let your mind convince you of that. You can also love someone and care about someone but still set the boundary of not allowing them to hurt you, which in this case would probably involve stopping talking to him.

But to give any further advice on how to leave, I need to ask… what is it that makes you feel guilty when you get yourself to let go of him? Can you explain that further?

Dear Alexxy:

A summary about what you shared regarding this relationship: it lasted six years, he cheated on you and continued to lie to you about it. You broke up with him and the break up lasted a year, during which you were in contact with him. The two of you then got back together, things were great, but then “old habits came in”, he lied about where he was, drank a lot, did drugs and called you mean names, and was otherwise dishonestly manipulative, sneaky and emotionally abusive. The two broke up the again two months ago, but you  still see him and talk to him, and he is currently active on dating websites while accusing you of hooking up with other men.

You want to let go of him but each time you try, you feel guilty, fearing that if you leave him he will get more heavily into drugs, and you hope that he will change, like he said he would, if you only gave him yet another chance. You feel that you love him, that he is a part of you, and so, you continue contact with him and then beat yourself up for it.

My input/ question: as a child, was one of your parents (or other care taker) in some kind of trouble, emotionally troubled, depressed, and you tried really hard to help him, or her, to make that parent be okay, to not be troubled anymore?

anita

Dear Alexxy:

If you are interested to “know where the need to stay and ‘fix’ things comes from”- we can look for that right here on your thread, for what motivates you to fix things with this man.

Because there is a reason for your motivation to fix things, to not turn your back to him and move on.

If you want to look for that reason or reasons, patiently, let’s do it (I ask about personal things, but this is an anonymous context, therefore I hope it is okay with you, as long as you don’t share information such as names of people and places):

Will you tell me a bit about the relationship between your parents, how it has been/ is  now?

anita

Hi Alexxy,

Reading this, it could be me.  In fact I thought it was me, even down to the way you describe his ‘sneaky ways’.  What I have realised is it is going to take a long time to unravel, and I am still in the midst of it.  Something that helps is stepping back just for a small moment, consistently, each time he does something undesirable.  See his pattern.  Identify the triggers that keep you stuck to him.  For me, it was feeling that I was the only one who could help him, like you described.

What I realised, too late, was that I was one of MANY, many, girls who he confided in, who told that they were his reason for living, for being strong.  He has many girls he can transfer this need for support onto.  You are not the only one.  Seeing yourself as detached from it in this way helped me, and it is the only thing that finally did.  But it was hard because he is so convincing; I had to block his calls and actively avoid contact for a bit.  Just for a break.  Last week he called me seven times, when I was feeling good and stronger…I picked up because I thought something was wrong, but guess what, he only wanted to tell me about his new flame.  In retrospect, if something had been wrong he would have texted to explain and ask to speak.  I should not have picked up.

For me, when I went on holiday last year he cheated on me.  Somehow I felt guilty for having gone away without him and ‘abandoning’ him.  Each time I went away, he cheated, that very night.  Why I believed his remorseful excuses I do not know.  Be aware of patterns of behaviour.  Having seen this too many times now I believe that people, in the main (always exceptions), either do or do not cheat.  If something is wrong in the relationship and they want to leave it, they should not cheat.  They can talk, they can reason.  There is never an excuse for cheating.  They can tell you they want to cheat, that they are tempted, but when you are in a relationship, I believe that only fundamental cowards cheat.

It’s going to be hard, but these things are sent to test us and prove to ourselves that we can take this experience and bury it within ourselves, to strengthen us for the future.  This exact experience will never happen again, and we can move on and use these skills to survive future curve balls that life will surely throw at us.