Dear Lost soul:

Maybe I can be your friend, in the context of this website. I was very much alone, excruciatingly lonely and so very tired most of the time, a whole lot of the time, spaced out, removed from life.

“I want to know that someone cares that I still exist”- I think that I wasn’t sure so much of the time that I existed. Seems like as humans, born to be social, we don’t really exist all alone. Social connections, at least one, to start with, is what breathes life into us.

Do post anytime you want to, and I will be glad to  reply to you. I hope other members reply to you as well.

anita

Hi Lost Soul,

I’ll be your friend! 🙂

B

Hi Lost Soul,

I don’t know if you are reading your posts but just wanted to say that I am thinking about you.

Whenever I’ve felt overwhelmed by all the pressures on me, all the things I’ve had to do, I’ve taken one of the Bach Flower Remedies.  There is one that helps deal with this problem.  I refer to them as my little drops of magic in a bottle.  Within 2/3 days I’ve felt so much better.

Wishing you well

Peggy

Hi Lost Soul,

You are welcome. Communicating here on TB may provide you with short breaks from the overwhelming thoughts and emotions that are exhausting you. There’s another way to get short breaks: When unpleasant memories pop into your head, decide not to engage them. When you engage them you feel the difficult emotions all over again and again and again. It’s exhausting! Instead, picture your thoughts as puffy white clouds passing in the sky. Just let them come and go. Be an objective observer of the puffy white “thought clouds” coming and going. Detach from them.

The more you practice this, the easier it gets.

B

Dear Lost soul:

You asked me: “Was your loneliness like this- that is, lifelong?”- it lasted decades and it is only within the last few years that I don’t feel that loneliness. So you see, it is possible to feel that lonely, for so long, and then, to no longer feel that way. The loneliness is about not belonging, not being a part-of. As you and I communicate here respectfully, if you communicate with me long enough, not fearing cruelty and disrespect, feeling safe here, then you will not feel lonely anymore, in this context.

About your childhood, you wrote: “my childhood was not that bad… I wasn’t beaten or molested. There was food, clothing, a roof over my head, and extras like sports, music lessons, etc. provided… my parents.. expressed their anxiety in sarcasm, criticism, irritation and tantrums… My father and one of my siblings were.. harsh, critical, ‘get-over-it’ types. They always focused on my flaws and deficiencies… My other siblings mocked and ridiculed me to no end; it was his hobby… my mom.. she would bake a batch of cookies almost any time you wanted… she would almost always find ways to put me off: she was tired, had too much to do, had to help  one of my other siblings first… she was almost never there for me emotionally”.

My thoughts: you figured that because you were not physically beaten or molested as a child, and because you had food, clothing, a roof over your head and extras, that the reason you suffered so far from “emotional problems- shyness, trouble making friends, anxiety over trying new things” is because you were born overly sensitive, “I was a very sensitive, shy child and my parents were ill-equipped to deal with me”-

– not true.

It is not that your parents were ill equipped to deal with a child who was born overly sensitive, it is that your father tormented you and did not protect you from the sibling who followed his way and tormented you as well, making it his hobby. And your mother did not protect you from your father or from your siblings and .. wasn’t there for you in any way that mattered.

If you were born a turtle, then all you would need is that roof over your head and food. But you were born a social animal, a human. This means you needed more than a roof over your head and food. Primarily, you needed to feel safe on an ongoing basis in your own home. It is not possible for any child to thrive, to be emotionally healthy, make friends and try new things, growing up in a dangerous home.

What is the use of cookies when your father and siblings torment you… do cookies make up for cruelty. What is the use of food and clothes and extras when you don’t know the next time you will be tormented, made fun of, disrespected?

A child who grows up in a safe home, with empathy and respect, will be a capable adult, able to get all the cookies she ever wants.. but she won’t need to get too many cookies, because mental health feels so good, and thriving in life is an exciting endeavor, no time or need for more than an occasional cookie… see my point?

anita

Dear Lost soul:

“I’m just very used to people- including a few therapists I’ve seen- telling me my childhood wasn’t all that bad and that my parents did the best they could”-

– I was told that a hundreds of times and read it thousands of times and so I was confused for the longest time. What I learned is that so many people had bad childhoods, including therapists, that … too many people deny the reality of their childhood, viewing it from the imagined parents’ point of view, (“my parents did the best they could”), not from the real  child’s point of view, (that would read something like: I was mistreated, I suffered a lot).

For people denying the reality of their childhood, it becomes all about the parents: they did the best they could, they didn’t have a good childhood, they suffered abuse when they were children, they had a tough life, and so on and on and on.

Denying their own reality, people deny others’ reality in the context of parents. Some of these people are therapists.

And regarding doing-their-best, that is said about parents who beat their children and molest their children, they too… are doing their best. I heard a counselor saying: everyone is doing their best at all times, every single person… whatever it is that he or she is doing.

Another thing: comparing childhoods: a child who suffers in a particular home, for example you suffering the shame of having to put on underwear over your clothes in the store, doesn’t think as she suffers that humiliation: .. oh, it is not so bad, other children are molested. A child feels all alone in her distress and so, the suffering is not comparable to another.

“I can only say my childhood was hard for me“, you wrote, italicizing yourself the words for me. Any child in your home, your childhood, would experience it as hard as you did. It is so because when a parent commits a certain act against a child, the child doesn’t feel less pain because another child out there experiences a “worse” act. That other child having it supposedly worse doesn’t exist for the child in the midst of suffering from her own mistreatment.

“I still doubt my reality. Everyone else (my siblings) functions just fine; I’m the one who can never get things together”- I used to be so confused but learned that siblings react differently to the same household, but they all suffer. Siblings function better in some areas (ex. having a good paying job) but worse in another (ex. relationships), but all siblings in an unsafe, troubled and troubling homes suffer.

I will soon be away from the computer for the weekend and be back in about 48 hours from now.

anita