Dear Sweet Kay,

Love is a battlefield, and Pat Benatar was not wrong in that statement. It sounds to me as if you were making decisions due to wearing rose-colored glasses. By wearing those glasses, we can be blinded by our choices due to the power of love. Love is an aphrodisiac and drug all in one go. If your gut is telling you that he ended up seeing someone else, by all means cease contact with him. From my point of view, you want a monogamous love, not a poly-amorous one.

Never feel stupid about love, either. Without mistakes, love wouldn’t be filled with fun stories to tell our fellow comrades. Your heart kept saying yes, whereas your mind and intuition kept saying, “Be careful there, love.” That being said, you should definitely move on. A relationship on lies isn’t a relationship at all.

Kay,

I wonder from you not wanting to know about his romantic life is because you are ready to move on and not be involved with him anymore?

Mark

Dear Kay:

You wrote regarding him asking you what you want: “I answered: ‘I want you’ and changed the topic, since I am avoidant of hearing something I do not want to hear… Perhaps he had been trying to tell me over this weekend we talked, but I always changed the topic“.

You changed the topic because you are afraid of what he will say and how badly it will make you feel. Jan 2019 you wrote: “I remember that my mother was always angry at me and that many times I just prayed and wished to die.. my mother did not like anything I did or say, sometimes she got physical with her anger and maybe that is why I was so afraid to  be alone with her. Some other times she just stopped talking to me, or just threaten us with abandon us””-

-An Angry mother is a Scary mother, for her child. You were so scared living with your angry, punishing mother that you have been scared ever since to be in a close relationship with a man. This is why you had none before the age of 29 (“I had never experienced any kind of relationship, not even a kiss”). And this is why you change the subject- you are afraid that this man you grew to like will do what your mother did: say angry things to you, express to you that he doesn’t like anything you do  or say, that he will stop talking to you and that he will threaten to abandon you, all the things your mother did to you. We keep re-experiencing our childhood most powerful troubled relationship all through our adult lives (unless we take on the difficult and long healing process).

You wrote Jan this year: “Four years ago I got a job offer to work abroad, I accepted it without hesitation, maybe  I was trying to escape from everything in my home country  including my mother. I wanted to be free”- but you are not free from her anger and the words she said to you. Her anger and words keep replaying in your brain and they keep scaring you.

I suggest you do tell  him (as calmly as you can, respectfully, not accusing him of anything) that you saw him with another woman. Ask him who this woman is, if he  is in a relationship with her. You may be surprised that he will not get angry with you, that he will not criticize you for asking him this question, that he will not turn to be … your mother.

That would be a learning opportunity for you: not all  people are your mother (what a relief that is)!

anita

Dear Kay:

If you communicate with him via email, it will be easier for you to express yourself calmly, responding a bit, taking a break, coming back to it, typing more, taking your time and eventually sending him a short and clear message that you think is just right.

If he contacts you, same thing- you can not take a phone call from him, if he calls, let him leave you a message and then respond to it via email.

Or do  it in person, your choice of course. If you choose to send him an email, when you are calm, when it suits you, you can post a draft here and I will be glad to give you my input on it.

anita

Dear Kay:

When you start the message with “I know you don’t owe me any explanation”- it is as if you heard him say: I don’t owe you an explanation! So you are trying to appease him by stating it before he does.

Better edit that out and send: “the other day I saw you with a woman and I would like to know show she is. Can you tell me who she is? I am asking because I need to know, that is all.

This is it, no need to defend yourself against an accusation he hadn’t made (I don’t owe you  an explanation!) or explain to him why you want to know.

The message is respectful, no disrespect in it, it is simple and straightforward. How he responds to it will be very informative, giving you valuable information about who he is and about the nature of the relationship you have been having with him.

Let me know how you proceed.

anita

Dear Kay:

Good job asking him! I am impressed with you, that you asked him even though you were afraid. Well, you got an answer. He should have told you very early on, before you even met him that he is in an open relationship with another woman. The moment there was a hint of romance between the two of you and before there was a kiss (“We kissed and made out”), he should have told you.

The other woman may be okay with having an open relationship with him, but you did not give your okay to an open relationship with him, you didn’t even know.

I will be back in an hour after submitting this for a short while before taking a longer, 12 hours break or so.

anita