Dear Anita,

Good Morning.

I thought about this concept of luck over night yesterday, and this morning on my commute.

I am not unlucky.

But I act that way.

Yes, it is unfortunate and perhaps unlucky to have had a mother like mine.  Randomness, unpredictable, unchangeable.

But unlucky – am I? no.

Yet, I live my life as though I am.  TDW way of life, if it is over there, it is surely better than what is here.  I have improved in that manner.  Yet, focusing on the negativity of others is in fact perpetuating this cycle.

Focusing on how bad people are, evil, etc etc.  That is in fact taking away focus on how good my life indeed is, and dare I say it:

how lucky I am.

—–

To shift gears slightly and utilize this concept in regards to my husband…

Let’s say you say to me: CC, your only job over the next few months is to help and support your husband to heal.  NOT because you damaged him alone, but because you are his partner, and he needs your love and support.

I say okay.

Yet, everywhere I go, and in everything I do, whether it is a wedding, grocery shopping, work, the subway – I am occupied by negative thoughts about other people.  People who act with injustice, people who are unaware, people who are irritating, people who are arrogant.  Whatever it may be.  Endless commentary about this.

So when I arrive home, the predominant thought in my mind is: others.  And bad things about others.

I now spew this out onto him constantly.  I could be making dinner and he comes in, and I may have a thought about how there isn’t enough time in the day- but others have it.

We could be running in the park, and I could look at a family and think, oh look at how important it is to have quality family time, do I have that?

I could be at the grocery store, and see someone only buying the groceries for that evening, and I will think – that is so nice and fresh! I wish I had time to do this.

Wishing this, wanting that.  This way is not good enough, I want ANOTHER way.

It will be very important for me, for my own healing, and that to support my husband – for me to not occupy myself on how we suffer in comparison to others.  What would be more ideal for us.

That isn’t the case right now, I must accept it.  But in the future, and very near future, things may change.

And in fact, our life is good right now.  Location, my job.  Our limited, but quality free time with the dog.  My husband’s job does tremendously affect the whole picture – but that is not forever.

I must sink into life as it is now.