Dear Anita,

Stream of consciousness for me as well.

okay so the roar has deep roots into childhood, way before true anger and emotions developed, like that anger we get when we feel instantly annoyed and frustrated for touching a hot pan….oh **** people say instantly.

yes, dancing monkey, prize to show off, daughter to push down, free therapy ear, someone to berate and make herself feel more worthy, someone to put on a pedestal to make herself feel more worthy, someone to emotionally kick down and build up at a whim…

So was I really her super child, golden child, etc etc…

Well, if it is true, what the conclusion is from your end, my mother – our mothers, that they never did love each other…then would it be that she never also valued me?

i think of it as a search in vain, seeking seeking climbing grasping, but having a hollow shell – no substance – but seeking your hand out to grasp…grasp anything in sight…saying “help me lift me, oh no you can’t do it no you can’t – you are useless!!!”

pretty much a crazy person who grasps at the air blindly and thinks in circles, looking for a way “out” but never allowing any true help or concern, having no true value for anyone – but their ownselves