Dear Anita,

fyi before I proceed today, the parentheses key on my computer is broken so I will use dashes.

Good morning.  I hope you enjoyed the walk you had yesterday after a rest.

I went home yesterday evening, with a lot of clarity from our conversations.  I walked in to my apartment and I see my husband there sitting on the couch with his laptop, looking concentrated.  I ask him what he is doing, and he responds: “going over the contract -SD – and thinking of follow up questions and counter options.  I said okay.

So, it looked to me when I walked in that my husband was deep in thought about the SD position.

What a contrast from the morning.  I had read him 2 of your emails during the day – as I told you, and we had both spoke about them as well.

So I gently – something new for me – proceed.  I ask “so what are your thoughts. and do you want to go to your parents today.”

We decided that it was too late to go to his parents, and we could go this weekend.  My husband seem calm and collected.  We went over the SD contract piece by piece and came out with more questions and comments.  After that was done, we spoke more.

He stated that the SD contract is pretty simple.  And the group is very supportive.  They are offering to keep him as an employee for 2 years if that makes him more comfortable versus just one – before heading onto the full private route.  I said that is good.  We continued to talk about some benefits of it.

We then spoke about my potential job at the Naval Medical Center.  How it would be “low key” compared to the private world I am in where they try to stick as many cases as possible – like I always tell you here 18 cases in a day no time for lunch etc.

He mentioned that a MAJOR stresser for him is me.  And of course when he said that he didn’t mean it in an accusatory sense but in the sense of:

I have been so up and down over the last few years, leading to a great deal of distress for him.  You know about this Anita so I don’t need to elaborate it all.  He worries that even if we move to SD I won’t be happy.  Or even if we stay here I won’t be happy.  He worries tremendously about whether I will be okay if I don’t find a great job – and just settle on whatever is there.  This comes from my unhappiness in CT where I only was able to find part time work.

I explained to him that year in CT was terrible because it was daily abuse from my mother.  Nothing made me happy.  I felt inadequate because my first job as a true doctor wasn’t so great – or even full time – so I resented that. I resented every single moment, because my mother was making my life a living hell.

He of course knows this –  but was airing his fears and worries.  Which I am glad for.

I then continued to explain to him that of course I am not “all better” but I have made tremendous progress.

1-ive cut out many toxic people out of my life, aside from my mother

2- my goal for work now is peace, i no longer care so much about career progression per se.  but peace of mind

3- i’ve made changes to my mentality in regards to my sister – this was a huge thing holding me back.  I notice I have still more work to do in this, in the concept of knowing she is not part of our inner circle

and more…

He listened carefully, it is not the first time we have had this conversation – it won’t be the last.  The thing is, as you likely know even better than me, is that it takes time for someone to feel this deep down inside.  I think of him as someone that has been traumatized by myself and my family – not to take blame or guilt for it right now just stating the facts.  It takes time for him to heal, and it takes time for us to heal together, mending old wounds, seeing new sides of one another.  This all takes time – and of course the timing of the move is now – not 10 years from now where there is much more history.  As is life.

The evening was pleasant.  We enjoyed each other’s company and spent time with our dog and watched some TV.  We didn’t continue to converse about it all et nauseum and decided to visit his parents over the weekend.  I think that is a great idea as there is more time as well then to spend there.

——–

I thought a lot about our last conversations yesterday about my sister.  I realize how much I still prioritize her, and a lot of it out of guilt.  I am glad we had those last conversations yesterday as it allows me to free myself from guilt over time, similar to how I did with my mother.  I will think about this some more.