Dear Anita,

One of my favorite posts from you, of all time.  Not only because you believe I did a great, A plus job, but because it is a perfect example of a back-and-forth between us that we both fully comprehend.  I TRULY comprehend everything that you wrote here.  No, many of these are not new topics for us.  You have mentioned many times how I should not ever be aggressive with my husband, and more.  Yet, today, this morning – I truly can take into account all that you wrote.  I want to reflect a little on why that is now, versus before…

I notice that it is my frenzied nature/behavior that causes more stress than anything.  You highlighted this in your post.  It isn’t so much about the CONTENT of what is going on.  The exact issue, worry, scenario.  It is more of the approach.  Is the approach stress oriented, or is it patient and thoughtful.

In my history it has not been patient or thoughtful.  I look back at my childhood and can hardly recall any scenario like this.  I recall one coming to mind, my father helping me sell my car.  At first it starting off relaxed and calm, and quickly escalating to anxiety, then aggression, then hysteria.  Just like that – always.  My norm was insanity.  My norm was stress.  My norm IS STRESS.

I know if a person does not believe something about themselves, it is difficult for them to manifest it often.  I do not truly believe that I can be a low key low stress person deep down inside.  I think perhaps I am addicted to being stressed and frenzied and thus seek it even when there is no place for it.  Now being a perfect time to be aware of this.

So in conclusion here: it isn’t about the topic, as much as my approach to it.  The concept of a frenzied/stressed approach vs. a gentle/calm one.

————–

Now back to your post above:

You do not have.. the luxury of expressing any aggression at all against him. You do need to be honest with him, of course, be true to yourself, be assertive, yes, but never, ever aggressive.

I do not have this luxury.  No I do not.  I have not been doing a consistent job in reminding myself this.  When I realize this is a priority for me, for us – I will make it a consistent act on my end.

Have his stress level in mind at all times and choose your words and behavior so to not increase his stress level,

Yes, as above.

Also, show him, over time, that you are calm and collected in different scenarios, no matter what, and he will learn to trust you to remain calm (and you will trust yourself as well, Self Trust and all).

This is key.  He will learn to trust me. Only with consistency.  I can visualize this happening.  I can see it being real – I truly can.  Therefore, I know I have it in me, and I know he has it in him.  We are a great, hard-working team.  And he is a patient, loving man.  I know we can do it.

Lastly, the part of my sister.  I can’t explain how pivotal this is for me.  The guilt remains – it is a reality, and will only decrease over time — I mean I recall being ever so guilty over my mother’s every emotion years ago, and that went away.  I know this is different, but in many ways similar.  Not being responsible for someone else’s well being.  Not being responsible to make sure someone is okay and stable.  Not feeling guilty to give more of myself just by nature of familial relationships.

• This reply was modified 5 years ago by Cali Chica.