Dear Anita,

Good Morning. And Merry Xmas.

I apologize I did not reply to your last post sooner.  Here’s what happened:

I felt internally frenzied from my sisters passive aggressive indirect comment, the last we spoke that I mentioned and you commented on above.  I came home and directly communicated it to my husband.  As I know I have a history of indirectly taking out anger and annoyance on him – which makes me guilty of passive aggression as well! Doesn’t it.

Therefore, while I told him what my sister said I found myself getting more agitated.  I was packing up to go for our Xmas Party and moving things around and BAM!!  I drop a big glass bottle on my big toe.  owww! At first it didn’t hurt terribly, but after I sat down and felt the true after effect and throbbing – I realized what I had done.  My husband came to find me and after making sure I was okay said – this is why you shouldn’t rush!!

He was absolutely right.  The universe showed me didn’t it.  CC slow down, don’t rush – your frenzied energy will harm you – and it did.  How humbling.

Luckily it is my husband’s specialty, he examined the toe and said it’s unlikely to be broken, just a bad sprain.  And so I was grateful for that.  But wow talk about the need to slow down. phew!

Anyway my toe is better.  Yes, I am at work today.  Last day of craziness, 24 cases today.  BUT I have asked for help with movement of all stretchers.  I refuse to harm myself any further – I will truly slow down.

It feels good to slow down – it feels normal.  I feel human today.  This is what it is like isn’t it?

——————–

Back to my sister.  So she didn’t end up coming to Xmas.  And that was just fine.  It was great actually.

Would it have been bad if she came, no.  But I think what I needed – what my husband and I needed – for Xmas of 2019 of this year.  We needed inner circle.  And that is what we got.  And it felt so good!

So good! Just what we needed.

I didn’t give in to my sister’s way of communication.  I stepped back, and as I stated above, I observed that this form of communicating although is the norm pattern for her – does not make it okay.  It does not need to be validated by the fact that she went through a lot, and it is from her trauma.  No.

I offered her 2 options.  She stated: “well I probably won’t come then”

as in to my husband’s family Xmas.  I felt anger well up.  My in laws were looking forward to her coming, even got her a gift.  She was invited of course like family.  I felt anger more so at the defiant comment, and lack of seeing how it was so.  It wasn’t about her coming or not, it is more the manner of dealing with it.

So what did I respond to this comment?

“okay”

That is all I said.  The old me would have went on and on.  I would have said: “oh no, what will you do.  no come, how can we figure this out.” and then felt guilty the whole day.  Instead this year I realized she is an adult, she has her own social circle.  She will be just fine.  She wants to spend Xmas with her dog – she will – and she isn’t some lonesome orphan.  She is just fine.

And she was.  And I was.

When my mother in law asked where she was, and felt bad she wasn’t there – in the sense of a sweet elder person wanting her to have a good time.  I replied, oh she has plans with some friends, she is having a great time.  My mother in law looked relieved, and said – thats good.

And it is good, and my sister did end up having plans.  And even if she didn’t my decision was made.

I decided that back and forth and way of acting wasn’t going to be apart of my life.  I can’t and don’t blame her – but frenzied behavior led me to injury! So decreasing frenzy and angst are the only way for me.  Only way.

Xmas was wonderful and guilt free. I thought wow – this is what it is supposed to feel like.  No mother, no sister dragging me down.  I am able to be in the moment and enjoy this with my family, MY inner circle.  I have a right to.  I deserve to.  This is what life is all about.

——-

I am glad you stayed back from a cold camping weekend, and likely instead found some cozy warmth.  I hope you enjoyed quality time with your husband, and some good red wine.