The last time I spoke to my aunt on the phone was in April. I called her desperately and divulged the details of my sexual abuse. At the time in was just grappling over in my mind and body. Initially she was very compassionate. She validated my feelings offered to help me with anything I needed. Offered to buy me a plane ticket or to call my cousins who live two hours away from me to pick me up. I declined both at the time. Because after the fact I got scared. My anxiety rushed in and I remembered all that happened to us before this.

Now a few days later this was our interaction. She called to check in. I told her I was still feeling bad. I wanted more from her. I wanted her to hold me in that moment but I know she couldn’t. I did want to take her offer on the plane ticket and go with her and I wish I had at the time. I needed someone so bad. I still was semi full of life at the time. But doubt over took me.

Then came some shame. Asking me why I had stopped contact with everyone if David was my reason of being afraid. I don’t know if she meant to be shaming but I felt shame. And I wished I could communicate better. But I just shut down and blocked her again. Which is not cool on my part. I can’t trust what is wrong or right. I’ve literally blocked so many people after an interaction like this. My issue is communication. Really, it’s confrontation. If I felt shamed I need to speak up and say hey what you are saying is making me feel bad. If I don’t I’m left with assumptions and fear of what could have been