Dear anita,

how are you doing? I know that I did want to post less, but at the moment I feel not so good. I am spending Christmas alone, because of the pandemic. During the last months I have been feeling more lonely.

Especially during the last days there were lots of negative, shameful thoughts, obsessive thoughts. Yesterday one of my flatmates moved out, the one that lived here for a long time. Sometimes I worried that I was making her feel uncomfortable. I know that I can be difficult. When I asked her, she said no, that she moved out because it’s closer to her work and that she actually was  unsure about moving, because she felt so comfortable here.

But yesterday, it was weird, I was more hiding in my room while she and her family moved. I also told her that I wanted to social distance, because I had a weird feeling in my chest area and while breathing. The thought of having Corona and then infecting someone is terrifying. But it was also because of my social awkwardness.

There are also some good news: I can go to work again and I also felt pretty good there, like they accepted me. I even got a little better with the phone calls, I feel. But now I have two weeks ahead of me that are empty, because of Christmas holidays. My own thoughts are very debilitating and I got not much done and  was crying. I try to do calming things like listening to audiobooks and I called my sister and my parents. But I can not talk so openly with them.

How are you doing during the pandemic times? Hope you are well!