Dear Umm,

thanks for replying, I am glad you didn’t mind those questions.

It seems there might be a pattern in your relationships, either romantic or friendships, where you tolerate and don’t want to let go of the person who doesn’t treat you well:

I always have an urge of helping people, and stay put, it doesn’t matter of any mistreats from others to me. Maybe I’m not strong enough to let things go., and to be honest, I dislike that sometimes about myself.

People around me, could see a bigger picture of that, but I couldn’t. I just didn’t want to let go of this friend.

When I have a friend, I will fully put my heart and effort in loving and wanting to spend times with that person.

You give them your love and attention, you’re kind to them, even if the person might be “hot and cold whenever they feel like it”, or “treat you however they want to treat you”. You’re accepting their bad treatment for a long time, being there whenever they need you, and not protesting even if they hurt you. Perhaps you excuse their bad behavior, telling yourself that they’re wounded (like your depressed male friend), or that they might have been hurt before, like your boyfriend.

You say you have an urge to help people. That’s nice, but it seems to me that you’re trying to help difficult, wounded people, people who have a hard time loving and returning your love. But you still stay put, giving them one more chance, hoping that some day, they’d change and love you back the way you’d want them to.

Now you ask about your boyfriend: but is it that impossible to being with someone who has a bad temper? I always believe in giving people chances.

You want to give another chance to a very difficult person, who is jealous and insecure, who has bad temper, who wants to control you – in short, who cannot love you truly, maturely, the way you’d want to be loved. But you still want it… I believe it’s related to your childhood, and the way you were loved (or failed to be loved) as a child. Would you say it’s true? Is there a similarity?