Dear Tineoidea,

Like I said before, she was the one asking questions, wanting to be close to me and forcing all those promises of help. I just enjoyed spending time with her.

I see. She was inquiring about you, asking questions, wanting to know more about you and your family, and when you told her, she became very enthusiastic to help you. All that happened even before you got romantically involved. You weren’t pushing or expecting anything, it was rather her who insisted on helping you.

everybody who knows him or interacted with him, is on my side of the story,

That’s good that people you work with believe you, and not him.

As for her, there can be more explanations for her behavior, and we’ve already talked about some possibilities. In your latest post you said he was instructing her what to tell you during the conflict. It seems she became super impressionable, and it could be because he found her weak spot: getting recognition from someone whose opinion means a lot to her.

We’ve already talked about it – that she has a brother who used to discredit her. Your “friend” did the same to her at first, and they fought (My “friend” was on a “break” from it (as in, not really caring), then he came back, noticed her and was furious about his “authority being challenged”, also started to belittle her work and challenge her, and she challenged him back.).

Maybe he reminded her of her brother, and that’s why she felt an “inexplicable draw” towards him. And when he finally apologized and gave her recognition, it might have been like receiving the long-awaited recognition from her brother, and she got hooked.

For an insecure and weak person, it could mean a great deal. She might have gotten emotionally attached to him because he was giving her what she (or rather, her inner child) needed. She might have even regressed to a child and couldn’t reason with her own head any more. That’s why he needed to instruct her what to tell you. Strong emotional attachment can in fact make people lose their reasoning abilities.

So that’s one possible explanation. The other is that she has BPD. Another could be that she has a strong need to be liked and made empty promises, just so you’d like her. Whatever might be the case, she isn’t the person you thought she was.

I want her to be free from whatever venom he may have injected into her mind. I want her to explain things clearly and to apologize for all the harm, pain and injustice she inflicted. I simply don’t want to see her in a bad light for the rest of my life, like somebody dishonest, ungrateful, cruel and fickle.

And what if she doesn’t apologize and doesn’t come to her senses? Where does that leave you, both emotionally and in terms of your living situation?

Because I believe there are two aspects of this problem: one is the emotional (disappointment, betrayal and heart-break), and the other is existential – related to your hopes for a better future and helping your mother as well. Is there a plan B, which can help you improve your living situation, without your ex involved?