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Help me make sense of this.

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  • This topic has 129 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by TeaK.
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  • #386538
    Tineoidea
    Participant

    “Who removed him? You, as the person in charge of the project, or someone else?”

    I did since things were going nowhere.

    “You might have complained or told her about your difficult financial situation, and she, in an attempt to be “nice” and a “good samaritan”, offered her help.”

    Like I said before, she was the one asking questions, wanting to be close to me and forcing all those promises of help. I just enjoyed spending time with her.

    “I think it would be worth, just for the sake of complete honesty with yourself, to examine if there was anything you did that went against the moral code, or best practices, in your field of work.”

    I didn’t tell him anything about her or our relationship, just that she was very important to me and so he can’t continue to belittle and abuse her. I can’t think of anything and she herself commended the amount of work I have done and just how much I had to put up when it comes to troublesome people (especially my “friend”).
    Likewise he’s in no position to criticize and slander somebody when he only displayed extremely poor work ethics, social skills and treatment of people to her and everybody related. Such words coming from somebody like that should hold no value to begin with, especially not the person he abused.
    And as I said, everybody who knows him or interacted with him, is on my side of the story, except her because for reasons unknown, she did that 180 switch and she became absolutely blind, excusing him of everything and letting him blame all his poor behaviors on me.

    “Are you expecting her to get back to you? Are you hoping that she’d still help you with your relocation? What are you expecting from her?”

    I want her to be free from whatever venom he may have injected into her mind. I want her to explain things clearly and to apologize for all the harm, pain and injustice she inflicted. I simply don’t want to see her in a bad light for the rest of my life, like somebody dishonest, ungrateful, cruel and fickle.

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by Tineoidea.
    #386543
    Tineoidea
    Participant

    Another thing;

    Based on the few interaction I had with him once this started, and even though he avoided saying much, it became apparent to me that he’s been manipulating her. He mentioned that he knows everything she says to me and tells her which words to use because “he knows me”, that he’s been removing “my brain parasites” from her, that he knew my “intentions when it comes to her”, that he knows her better than me even though they only spoke for a few weeks and so on. He started talking and “being nice” to her when she was in a vulnerable and confused state due to our relationship issues, I’m more than sure there was an agenda at play, considering the situation, timing and the outcome.
    Likewise during my last interaction with her (where she refused to give me back some of my property), she immediately got him to try and talk to me while being extremely hurtful and evasive. Everything that was going in between me and her since the conflict started, has been actually going through him and he told her what to say, eventually he even tried to talk on her behalf.

    If this isn’t manipulation then I don’t know. To me it feels like she became his hostage. As a reminder, I did warn her about him being possessive when things started, and she herself said that she’s feeling it too.
    In the end she disregarded my warnings, was unable to stop and things went past the point of no return.

    #386544
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Tineoidea,

    Like I said before, she was the one asking questions, wanting to be close to me and forcing all those promises of help. I just enjoyed spending time with her.

    I see. She was inquiring about you, asking questions, wanting to know more about you and your family, and when you told her, she became very enthusiastic to help you. All that happened even before you got romantically involved. You weren’t pushing or expecting anything, it was rather her who insisted on helping you.

    everybody who knows him or interacted with him, is on my side of the story,

    That’s good that people you work with believe you, and not him.

    As for her, there can be more explanations for her behavior, and we’ve already talked about some possibilities. In your latest post you said he was instructing her what to tell you during the conflict. It seems she became super impressionable, and it could be because he found her weak spot: getting recognition from someone whose opinion means a lot to her.

    We’ve already talked about it – that she has a brother who used to discredit her. Your “friend” did the same to her at first, and they fought (My “friend” was on a “break” from it (as in, not really caring), then he came back, noticed her and was furious about his “authority being challenged”, also started to belittle her work and challenge her, and she challenged him back.).

    Maybe he reminded her of her brother, and that’s why she felt an “inexplicable draw” towards him. And when he finally apologized and gave her recognition, it might have been like receiving the long-awaited recognition from her brother, and she got hooked.

    For an insecure and weak person, it could mean a great deal. She might have gotten emotionally attached to him because he was giving her what she (or rather, her inner child) needed. She might have even regressed to a child and couldn’t reason with her own head any more. That’s why he needed to instruct her what to tell you. Strong emotional attachment can in fact make people lose their reasoning abilities.

    So that’s one possible explanation. The other is that she has BPD. Another could be that she has a strong need to be liked and made empty promises, just so you’d like her. Whatever might be the case, she isn’t the person you thought she was.

    I want her to be free from whatever venom he may have injected into her mind. I want her to explain things clearly and to apologize for all the harm, pain and injustice she inflicted. I simply don’t want to see her in a bad light for the rest of my life, like somebody dishonest, ungrateful, cruel and fickle.

    And what if she doesn’t apologize and doesn’t come to her senses? Where does that leave you, both emotionally and in terms of your living situation?

    Because I believe there are two aspects of this problem: one is the emotional (disappointment, betrayal and heart-break), and the other is existential – related to your hopes for a better future and helping your mother as well. Is there a plan B, which can help you improve your living situation, without your ex involved?

     

    #386545
    Tineoidea
    Participant

    It did look like she completely lost her mind once he stopped his abuse and “validated” her. She went as far as betraying her lover and closest friend, and completely forgetting just how much he hurt her and how much she despised his personality and behavior towards others.
    Whatever it was, it’s far from sane and pretty much everybody who knows of the situation, agrees there.

    “And what if she doesn’t apologize and doesn’t come to her senses? Where does that leave you, both emotionally and in terms of your living situation?”

    The living situation is mine to handle and I’m doing what I can, there’s no plan because a plan is impossible in my case but I’m trying my luck while attempting to recover from this incident, which took a very heavy toll on my body and mind. I have never experienced so much pain and abuse before.
    Curiously enough, recently I decided to contact her ex whom she demonized in all ways to me; calling him abusive and how she despised everything about him, that his work ethics were terrible and so on (yet they spent years together somehow), whom she ghosted when she decided to end the relationship.
    He runs a company in the field where my skills are relevant, I didn’t go into detail, only that me and her worked together, and he was actually very polite and helpful, giving me both tips and practical help like offering to introduce me to some companies which may be good for me. He was also obviously hurt by her but didn’t say anything negative, just that she’s also refusing to talk to him.

    The emotional side cannot be molded though, and I’m not somebody who forgets. I do not want to bear with the pain and that distorted image of her for the rest of my life.

    #386546
    anita
    Participant

    Tineoidea:

    Congratulations for a whole month of telling your story, a fictional story, I believe: Aug 20- Sept 20, 2021. It is the inadequately and under-developed characters in your story that don’t make sense to me, even more than the senseless plot.

    Your story starts with a greatly exaggerated and frankly, unbelievably perfect love story, especially given the “fact” that throughout this perfection you are supposedly experiencing “legal and economic situations (that) are very convoluted“:

    I’ve been in a very intense and enjoyable relationship..  we enjoyed every moment together. At the start we helped each other a great deal emotionally, unraveled each other’s issues, helped each other heal and bloom, become confident and full of life. It was a truly amazing experience to spend every day together, never a boring or dull moment, and the feelings, attraction only kept growing stronger. This has been going strong till the last few months“-

    The last sentence: “till the last few months” leads to the Conflict, the necessary part in a story, without which there is no story, a conflict that drives the plot forward (the possessive male friend, the double betrayal of a best friend and a lover).

    I don’t think that the author (Tineoidea) is a young man living in a convoluted, adversary living situations, in a struggling, developing country. I have a tiny of an idea that he (or she) is an older person living in a developed country, having had formal education and a desire to author Fiction,  using this public forum to develop the characters and  the plot of a fictional Story.

    anita

     

    #386547
    Tineoidea
    Participant

    I’m not sure why exactly you needed to mock me as I’m already dealing with a whole lot of pain here. There’s nothing fictional about this story and I would appreciate it if you just ignored this thread if you’ve got nothing to contribute.

    #386549
    anita
    Participant

    okay.

    #386568
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Tineoidea,

    The living situation is mine to handle and I’m doing what I can, there’s no plan because a plan is impossible in my case

    He runs a company in the field where my skills are relevant, I didn’t go into detail, only that me and her worked together, and he was actually very polite and helpful, giving me both tips and practical help like offering to introduce me to some companies which may be good for me.

    It appears you do have a plan, or at least an idea, where to look next. So there is a possibility to apply for a job in that same country where you ex lives, but through different channels…

    He was also obviously hurt by her but didn’t say anything negative, just that she’s also refusing to talk to him.

    So you didn’t tell her ex that you were involved with her, but only that she refuses to talk to you? And then he said that she refuses to talk to him too?

    The emotional side cannot be molded though, and I’m not somebody who forgets. I do not want to bear with the pain and that distorted image of her for the rest of my life.

    You’d need to deal with your emotions though, in order to move forward.

    I’m not somebody who forgets.

    You said earlier that you don’t hold grudges and you don’t hate. Someone who doesn’t forget (having been hurt) and has trouble bearing with the pain is someone who does hold grudges, in my view.

    If you allow your emotions to stay cemented (“cannot be molded”), you won’t be able to heal and learn lessons from this experience, so you don’t repeat it again.

     

    #386571
    Tineoidea
    Participant

    “So you didn’t tell her ex that you were involved with her, but only that she refuses to talk to you? And then he said that she refuses to talk to him too?”

    It was in a professional context since he suggested that she’ll be able to help me with this and that. He absolutely didn’t strike me as a bad, abusive person with awful work ethics. Which makes me wonder about just how much of what she told me about him was pure slander, and about how poorly she painted me to my “friend”.

    “If you allow your emotions to stay cemented (“cannot be molded”), you won’t be able to heal and learn lessons from this experience, so you don’t repeat it again.”

    The lessons have been learned I think, what’s left is to disengage myself from the pain and disappointment.

    Thank you for your help once again, it gave me a lot to ponder about. I probably should let this be for some time until there’s a new development, and for my own mental health, so I don’t keep spinning the happenings over and over.

     

    #386577
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Tineoidea,

    you’re welcome.

    The lessons have been learned I think, what’s left is to disengage myself from the pain and disappointment.

    One thing I would like to emphasize, which has transpired during our conversation, is that in the beginning you didn’t see neither him or her clearly. You didn’t see his behavior as abusive, you said your relationship was both carefree and loaded with conflicts. The two just don’t go together, so there was some disconnect, or a blind spot in your perception, where you thought this is how a best friend should treat you, and that it’s still a great and valuable relationship that you want to keep.

    Likewise, it seems to me that you didn’t see her clearly either. You thought that you had a super loving relationship, and that “the feelings, attraction only kept growing stronger“. At the same time, she was complaining about things going too slowly, she didn’t keep her promise of helping you with finances and/or relocation, she watched you struggle (financially and physically due to lot of work), but did hardly anything to help. This was all before your “friend” came into the picture.

    I don’t know the entire story and the intricacies of your “convoluted legal and economic situation”, but if she promised to help with a rather important existential issue, and then was delaying things and left you stranded, it’s a sign that she’s not that madly in love, right? But you didn’t pick it up… Like with your “friend”, you might have thought that such behavior (selfishness, not keeping one’s word) is normal in a relationship?

    Anyway, I believe she didn’t suddenly become cold and hostile, while just a few months earlier being super supportive and loving, with fabulous plans for the future. Rather, I believe that her ”cooling down” happened gradually, but you didn’t see or didn’t want to see the warning signs.

    She expressed concerns about “things being too slow” (for some reason you couldn’t move to her country so easily), but you said those were minor problems and you always had a plan B. But perhaps she didn’t see it as minor problems…

    When your “friend” approached her with an apology, she was ready to confide in him about your relationship problems, and they found a common language – that of criticizing and blaming you.

    This is what I think happened, at least it would make sense to me (you said you’re trying to make sense of what happened). So basically, her withdrawing wasn’t such a surprise, but it was a surprise for you. At least that’s how I see it.

    I think you would need to examine why you didn’t see the warning signs, and if you did, why you disregarded them. Perhaps that would be one of the most important lessons to learn from this whole experience…

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