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Help me make sense of this.

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  • #386331
    TeaK
    Participant

    Update: my “friend” is now slandering me to people involved in my project (which is important for my livehood) in an attempt to sabotage it by using bits of confidential information he knew, twisting it completely to frame me for horrible deeds.

    I am sorry about that. Is he trying to accuse you for some sort of fraud or financial manipulation? Can you defend yourself and prove that he is lying?

    #386365
    Tineoidea
    Participant

    About my childhood and possible traumas. When I remember all those experiences (and I do have a very good and vivid memory), I don’t feel strongly about any of it and it certainly doesn’t shake me. I’m not sure if there’s any underlying trauma there to be honest.

    I am sorry about that. Is he trying to accuse you for some sort of fraud or financial manipulation? Can you defend yourself and prove that he is lying?

    Yes, I’ve got evidence and arguments to prove him wrong, likewise his own reputation is pretty bad so I’m not too worried about people buying into it but sadly there’s always a chance with those things, especially when one’s deepest concerns are targeted. I didn’t expect something so petty though.

     

    #386377
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Tineoidea,

    About my childhood and possible traumas. When I remember all those experiences (and I do have a very good and vivid memory), I don’t feel strongly about any of it and it certainly doesn’t shake me. I’m not sure if there’s any underlying trauma there to be honest.

    The best way to know if there is trauma is how functional you are in your life, how capable you feel of creating a good life for yourself, how able you are for healthy relationships. Only you know the answers to those questions. What transpired about your relationship with your “best friend” was that it was dysfunctional, because you allowed yourself to be abused. The lack of a healthy impulse to protect oneself and set boundaries could indicate a childhood trauma, for example.

    Yes, I’ve got evidence and arguments to prove him wrong, likewise his own reputation is pretty bad so I’m not too worried about people buying into it but sadly there’s always a chance with those things, especially when one’s deepest concerns are targeted.

    I do hope that you can prove your innocence, so that your livelihood isn’t endangered. And that you stop participating in projects with him. Because it already happened that he endangered your livelihood with his “reckless behavior” on a common project.

     

    #386391
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Tineoidea,

    I’d like to revisit something you said about this whole situation being unfair:

    The strong negative feelings I do feel are deep disappointment and a feeling of “unfairness” (and not necessarily towards me).

    To whom is it unfair? Is it towards your family, specially your mother?

    Because earlier you said that your family counted on your ex-girlfriend’s help and was blindsided by her plans:

    Like I said already, I have never asked about her finances or for any of this, she herself pushed it strongly. I kept refusing this “help” for quite some time until she finally made me cave in with that projected honesty, then me and my family got involved and blindsided by her “plans”.

    So perhaps you’re feeling a sense of unfairness because of what her turning against you will do to your family?

     

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by TeaK.
    #386395
    Tineoidea
    Participant

    “To whom is it unfair? Is it towards your family, specially your mother?”

    “So perhaps you’re feeling a sense of unfairness because of what her turning against you will do to your family?”

    In this case it would be towards my family yes. It is a general feeling though, seeing somebody treated unjustly does make that strong feeling arise in me.

    #386396
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Tineoidea,

    In this case it would be towards my family yes. It is a general feeling though, seeing somebody treated unjustly does make that strong feeling arise in me.

    And do you remember when you first experienced this feeling of unfairness in your life?

    #386397
    Tineoidea
    Participant

    “And do you remember when you first experienced this feeling of unfairness in your life?”

    I don’t really recall when it started but it may go back to when my father abandoned us during a cold winter, taking with him things such as my clothes, toys, my mother’s stuff. I was at most two years old then so those memories aren’t continuous but rather scattered (but still vivid) pieces. I do not recall this particular incident though but it may be relevant.

    What I do remember well is that when I was little, I mostly cried over things I found very unfair. I didn’t cry or complain much when I was punished for something I knew I did wrong. When I saw myself, my friends or my mother being subjected to treatment I considered unjust, it made me feel pretty bad. Likewise there was a lot of disrespect and harm coming from my father, his mother and the woman he lived with over the years.

    #386403
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Tineoidea,

    I don’t really recall when it started but it may go back to when my father abandoned us during a cold winter, taking with him things such as my clothes, toys, my mother’s stuff.

    This is rather heart-breaking and very very unfair. First, your father cheating on your mother, and then leaving you without even the basic necessities in the cold winter.

    When I saw myself, my friends or my mother being subjected to treatment I considered unjust, it made me feel pretty bad.

    And you’ve experienced such a treatment quite a lot while growing up. You said you’ve experienced humiliation, slander by your father’s family and his new woman, and even a murder attempt (“his side of the family plus his new woman always tried to hurt and slander us in one way or another, going as far as trying to kill my mother and me“).

    You have also shared that your “best friend” is now slandering you (my “friend” is now slandering me to people involved in my project). During your conflict over your ex, you said he even wished you were dead (“At a point, he even wished that I died“). Do you see the commonalities here: slander, humiliation and even the feeling that someone wants you dead?

    Also, you mentioned that your livelihood might be in jeopardy, and that it has been before too. So that too is similar to your childhood situation, where you lived in poverty and starvation.

    So for me, I cannot not notice the similarities to your childhood. It’s like your childhood experience being repeated again. Have you thought about it before?

     

    #386419
    Tineoidea
    Participant

    “Do you see the commonalities here: slander, humiliation and even the feeling that someone wants you dead?”

    I guess so.

    “So for me, I cannot not notice the similarities to your childhood. It’s like your childhood experience being repeated again. Have you thought about it before?”

    I guess it is much more painful now as I’m not a kid and so I’m well aware of the human behavior and just how much it can hurt.

    My question is, why? Did I actually do something monstrous to deserve all of this? If I did, then why wasn’t it explained to me? Is there even anything which could justify such behavior to begin with? Are all the wonderful experiences of the past and all I have contributed to those two, just nothing at all now, as if it none of it ever happened?

    There’s still so much dissonance in me.

    #386425
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Tineoidea,

    My question is, why? Did I actually do something monstrous to deserve all of this?

    No, you haven’t done anything to deserve this. You as a toddler who was abandoned by his father and left behind without the bare necessities in a cold winter – didn’t do anything to deserve it. You were an innocent little boy, who needed and deserved love and affection. You as a little boy who, together with his mother was hurt and threatened by the members of his own family – didn’t do anything to deserve it.

    Why did it happen? Maybe you heard the phrase “hurt people hurt people”: people who suffered abuse in their childhood are prone to become abusers as adults. If your father had been abused as a child (which is possible since he had a cruel mother), it wouldn’t be a surprise if he’d turn into a cruel, heartless man, who would even harm his own son. It’s not your fault whatsoever, it’s his blindness and his emotional scars that made him behave like that.

    Are all the wonderful experiences of the past and all I have contributed to those two, just nothing at all now, as if it none of it ever happened?

    We can have wonderful experiences even with people who will later harm us. It’s known for example that narcissists love-bomb the person in the beginning of the relationship, to get the person open up and get attached to them, only to later start displaying their selfishness. Or if someone is emotionally wounded like your ex, she was wonderful and selfless for a while, until her wound got triggered. Once it got triggered, she became very defensive, almost like a different person.

    With your former friend, you also said you had precious memories, but they were interspersed with his possessive behavior, as well as irresponsible behavior which endangered your livelihood. The relationship with him was a mix of pleasurable moments (I guess when you did everything like he wanted) and frustrating moments, when he was emotionally abusive to you.

    You allowed this abuse to happen because you didn’t even register it as abuse, and I believe it’s because you thought that’s how love looks like. Growing up, you didn’t have an experience of a healthy, loving relationship, but it was interspersed with harm, suffering and abuse. So having a friend like that probably felt familiar to you. At least he was loyal to you, he wouldn’t abandon you like your father did. And you valued that a lot.

    Now, after all this, you would need healing. The little boy in you needs healing. Because probably a part of you (that little boy) believes that he did something to deserve all the abuse he’s been put through. You’d need to tell him he did nothing wrong. And you’d need to give him the love and appreciation you never received as a child.

    How do you feel about this?

     

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by TeaK.
    #386427
    Tineoidea
    Participant

    I’m well aware that a child is innocent, I was talking about the recent happening.

    Also, my mother is somebody I respect more than anybody as she did absolutely all she could to raise and keep me safe through all the strife. There are things she blames herself for, things she could have done better or differently for me, but I absolutely can’t put any blame into her, she has done much more than most could.
    The relationship with her has been nothing but deep and good. Curiously, I recall my ex saying that if she had to choose between me and her parents or anybody/anything else, she would choose me without much hesitation. Thinking about it now, it doesn’t feel quite right to say something like that, especially considering her betrayals.

    Perhaps I’ve been trying to copy the traits my mother displayed during my upbringing, the absolute loyalty and utmost care no matter what, bearing with everything. While such behavior is only natural when directed towards your children, I guess one has to be more assertive with friends and lovers.

    #386428
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Tineoidea,

    I’m well aware that a child is innocent, I was talking about the recent happening.

    Well, if you had the need to ask “Did I actually do something monstrous to deserve all of this?”, I guess there is a part of you that believes that you might actually have done something wrong. Based on what you’ve shared here, you did nothing to deserve your former friend slandering you and accusing you of “horrible deeds”. And when he and your ex accused you of “abusing him”, that too was a lie. You said your conscience is clear.

    If I did, then why wasn’t it explained to me?

    Do you believe you still did something wrong, without being aware of it?

    Perhaps I’ve been trying to copy the traits my mother displayed during my upbringing, the absolute loyalty and utmost care no matter what, bearing with everything.

    To whom was she absolutely loyal and caring, no matter what?

     

    #386429
    Tineoidea
    Participant

    “Do you believe you still did something wrong, without being aware of it?”

    I can’t think of anything which could have led to this. Neither of them communicated much if anything so it leads me to believe it was just an excuse. It is more than obvious that both of them seriously lack personal accountability.
    When their conflict started, it was instigated by him and constantly fueled by her, yet the responsibility of solving it was placed on my shoulders. In the end, not only I was blamed for not solving “properly” something which wasn’t of my making, but also became the scapegoat for her betrayal and his vitriol towards me.

    “To whom was she absolutely loyal and caring, no matter what?”

    To me of course.

    #386430
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Tineoidea,

    “To whom was she absolutely loyal and caring, no matter what?”

    To me of course.

    Have you done something that would warrant her to stop being absolutely loyal and caring to her own child? The way you phrased it, it sounds as if you caused problems to her, but she remained loyal and loving to you regardless.

    #386431
    Tineoidea
    Participant

    Ah, nothing outside of the average child’s mischief. It’s just that not all mothers are as caring and involved.

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