Another day. Yesterday I went to sleep after I saw your reply. In response, I want to tell you, that when I was writing the previous reply I wasn’t crying, mad, depressed, or anything. I was in a state of expressing myself. I wasn’t panicking or having a breakdown. It was just me and the text. The things I wrote, should be an example of the noise. Some fragments of thoughts were just put into words.

“if you keep the noise in your head going and going (searching, thinking, solving, etc.), you don’t hear that acute silence with which you grew up, that acute absence of bonding and emotional support. That acute silence is so disturbing that you want to get rid of it any which way.”

This part is really interesting. I will now try to thoroughly experience the silent mind. See what comes up, what do I feel.

It is not unpleasant. It is experience lacking. I can focus on my body, or on my mind. If I focus on my mind, there are certain things popping up. I can choose what will I follow. Am able to go through a brainstorm, in a way that random things pop up, and these random things lead to other random things. My mind can wander off to unimaginable lengths. But that is just an option. I can keep thinking about one thing. Or I can choose to just watch my thoughts go by. In a way that I talk to myself, and then these thoughts can’t occupy my mind. I am aware that they popped up, but I let them die by thinking something else.  Rarely do I experience the silent mind. That there is not any thought. That is also hard because when it happens, you are aware that it is happening, and if you are aware of something, your subconscious mind keeps track of what is going on, and it gives you thoughts about it.

I don’t know, it is really hard to process these things. And it is even harder to get them right.

When I focus on my body, it is accompanied by thoughts that guide my consciousness. For example, I say to myself: breath in, breath out. Or I go through various parts of the body and ask myself what am I feeling. Is it cold? Is there any tension? Do you feel a heartbeat? Are you tired? Are you hungry?…

But back on the topic. I have read it slowly. Multiple times. No difference from the first time. I get what you wrote.

Then I have a question. What if it is correct. What if that is the case. Then what do we (I) do about it? You can’t change the past. You cannot undo what has been done. My brain developed the way it did. I understand that It is about not making it worse, rather about finding ways we can improve it. But what do we do? Compensate the emotional support? I don’t feel the need to.