Dear Eric:

You have no problems communicating with people in these online forums, by typing words, sentences and paragraphs into the computer screen, receiving a typed reply and having all the time in the world between reading a member’s reply and submitting your next post, all the time that you need to read and understand the reply you receive, and to form a response.

Every time you started a thread on your various accounts, you initiated a conversation with members. When members replied to you, you responded to what the member said, answering questions and asking questions, and having back and forth conversations. With a few members, you had conversations for months.

You have difficulties communicating with people in real life, people who are in your physical presence, having an ongoing spoken conversation. In people’s physical presence, you have very limited time to listen and understand what the other person is saying and to form a response. You are able to respond to people by saying thank you, or no, thank you, and otherwise answering their specific questions in a short form, but you are unable to elaborate or to initiate a conversation.

“I really want to join that conversation but I’m not familiar with this kind of situation. I’m not a person who can just confidently spout anything to join that topic. I feel really awkward…  There is a barrier inside me that won’t let me random talk because I’m afraid of saying the wrong word or that person would ignore what I say”-

– The barrier is your anxiety.

“Are there any ways to program my mind to let go of this safety barrier? I really wanna fix this communication issue” –

Here are a couple online sources regarding the connection between anxiety and the difficulty with having a spoken communication with people, and ways that can help you (I hope that you take a long time reading and understanding what follows):

calm clinic. com/ How anxiety can impair communication: “Communication between two or more people involves a lot of different mental mechanisms. One part of your brain is controlling your listening ability… Another part is formulating what to respond with… it should come as little surprise that when your mind is overwhelmed with anxiety it can impair your ability to communicate… One of the main issues caused by anxiety may be distracted thinking. You may find yourself anxiously thinking about numerous things… or find yourself stuck on a particular thought… distracted thinking makes it very hard to listen and hold a conversation, and your ability to communicate is impaired as a result.

“Being nervous can create problems with overthinking. When you’re nervous while talking to someone else, it’s not uncommon to overthink each and every word you’re about to say in an effort to make sure that you say the right thing…

“Because different issues are at play, there are also different methods that you can use to help ensure that you communicate a bit better… Consider the following:

“- When something is keeping you from focusing, be open about it with the person you’re communicating with. While most people don’t like their anxiety to be known, the truth is that people can tell when you’re anxious…  It may be better to tell the other person (that you are anxious) … rather than trying to pretend that you’re okay and struggle through the conversation.

“- If you are struggling to focus on the conversation, take a moment and ask them to repeat themselves… simply requesting them to repeat it gives you another opportunity to listen.

“- Of course, telling someone not to overthink is easier said than done. It makes sense that you want to make sure you don’t say anything silly or embarrassing, but if overthinking is causing you to say things in an odd way, then what value did overthinking have? Try to talk as you think, and if you say something embarrassing so be it.

“- The more often you engage in conversation with people, the easier you may find it to be. Try practicing conversing with someone you feel comfortable with. You can also try to practice holding a conversation when you are alone. Make sure to speak aloud, not just in your mind, since this is what you will have to do when speaking with another person…

“The above tips may help but they won’t completely fix the problem. Only by addressing the reason for your anxiety will you find relief and become truly comfortable with communicating with others”.

very well mind. com/ How to socialize when you have social anxiety disorder: “There are some tips that may help… Below are a variety of techniques to try that can help… Try coming up with a mantra, or a word or phrase, that you can repeat to yourself when you feel stressed. Maybe you repeat to yourself, ‘I am at ease,’ or ‘I can relax.’ You can say anything that reminds you that you’re not in any real, physical danger. Take some deep breaths. Deep breathing calms down your nervous system… Try taking a deep breath, holding it for a few seconds, and releasing it…

“Conversing is a skill, just like riding a bike; the more you do it, the better you will get. You can start conversations almost anywhere- waiting in line at the grocery store, walking in a park… It’s a good idea to have some conversation starters in mind. For instance, a lot of people make casual conversation about the weather, especially if the weather has been unusual or unpredictable. You might start up a conversation based on an observation on your surroundings. If you’re in a park you might say, ‘I’ve never seen the park this crowded before!’… While you might have some small talk topics in your head, don’t be afraid to express honest and real opinions. People tend to prefer genuine interactions… Be yourself! Being your authentic self will create more authentic conversations. When they feel like they know you better, they will likely feel safer and freer to be themselves, too.

“Ask questions– … Maybe you base your question off a common interest. For instance, if you’re both in the same coffee shop, you might ask them what their favorite drink is to order… Here again, body language is key. Face the person when you speak to them, as much as possible, while still respecting their personal space. Make eye contact. You might add in a nod or a smile here and there as you listen and respond to what they’re saying.

“Avoid overthinking- … Try not to overthink it. If you find you have thoughts like, ‘I don’t think they like me,’ or ‘I feel like I sound so stupid right now,’ try to let go of the negativity, take a breath, and refocus on what the other person is saying. Be in the moment. View each conversation you have as practice… not every conversation needs to be long or in-depth. Allow the experience to be whatever it is—however big or small—and look forward to your next opportunity to talk to someone”.

Back to your original post: the atmosphere in the gym you go to, according to your descriptions, is friendly. When the older guy offered you an egg, you said “no thank you”, with a smile. Following that neither one of you said anything to the other. Next time you see him eating an egg in the same circumstance… what will you say or do differently, based on the information I quoted above?

anita

• This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by .

Dear Eric:

You are welcome.

“If he offers me an (egg) again… I’d answer him differently. Yes, I’d still reject the egg and smile” – rejecting the egg with a smile is effective communication because (1) you don’t do something that you don’t want to do (eating the egg), and so, you are being fair to yourself, and (2) you do not reject his offer rudely, you reject it in a friendly way. By rejecting his offer in a friendly way, (with a thank-you) and a smile, you are being fair to him.

“But I’d continue our conversation by asking him ‘do you bring this egg from home?’ or ‘do u bring eggs every time you workout?‘” – regarding the first question, if there is a possibility where you live to buy boiled eggs in a market then it makes sense to ask him if he brings a boiled egg it from home (or buys it in a market). If boiled eggs are not sold and the only way for a person to have a boiled egg is if he/ she boils it at home, then there is no point in asking him if he brought the egg from home.

Regarding the second question, it’s an okay question. You can also ask him what is it about eating an egg that helps with his workout/ health, and depending on his answer, you can ask him about what he eats and what he avoids eating for the sake of his health.

If you intend to talk about his food choices, be prepared for him to ask you about your food choices. Prepare in advance what to share with him and what not to share with him, so that you will not get stuck in the moment when he asks you.

“Yesterday I went to the gym… They were talking about the recent news in my city and about politics. Tbh I can talk about those topics, but the barrier is still there…I tried to force my mouth to speak, but the feeling of unsafe is too big…  Those skills of jumping into conversation… I feel like I need to learn it” – jumping into a conversation requires courage, not just skill. Courage is the ability to do something that you are afraid doing. Sometimes the fear is too great, that a person feels unable to do what he/ she is so afraid of doing. It may help you to visualize the situation you described, the trainer talking with the other two guys, and in your imagining, see/ hear yourself jumping into the conversation. It would be a mental, visualization practice for the real-life situation.

“I won’t give up on this… I’ll try another attempt the next time I go to the gym” – please let me know how it works out, will you?

anita

• This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by .

Hi Eric

Thank you for replying!

They probably stopped because you showed no interest in talking. If you initiate they may resume interest.

Have you tried the small steps of saying hello to the people you don’t speak to?

What is your favourite thing to talk about to friends that you are more comfortable with?

It can be difficult to talk about Tv shows unless you find common interests.

Shyness can come across as lack of interest or rudeness sometimes. This is why it’s helpful to tell people that you are shy and enjoy talking to them. They will forgive a lot if you give them a good reason for your behaviour.

Dear Eric:

I decided to reply further. First, I appreciate that you have been successfully exercising self-control- no longer presenting your mental itches (the regret obsessional theme, in this case) to be scratched by members on your thread. Thank you!

Second, you asked in your recent post: “Is this really how the adult world works? Or it’s just me creating awkward situations” – you asked this as if you are a child who is asking about the adult world. You are an adult now, a young adult. Adults who feel as awkward as you feel are part of the adult world. In other words, there are many adults like you, adults in their 30s and older who feel like you do.

Third, in your recent post, you asked: “Is this something wrong with me?” –

– Here is what The Mayo Clinic says about social anxiety disorder (social phobia): “it’s normal to feel nervous in some social situations. For example, going on a date or giving a presentation may cause that feeling of butterflies in your stomach. But in social anxiety disorder, also called social phobia, everyday interactions cause significant anxiety, self-consciousness and embarrassment because you fear being scrutinized or judged negatively by others. In social anxiety disorder, fear and anxiety lead to avoidance that can disrupt your life…

“Signs and symptoms of social anxiety disorder can include constant: Fear of situations in which you may be judged negatively, Worry about embarrassing or humiliating yourself, Intense fear of interacting or talking with strangers, Fear that others will notice that you look anxious, Fear of physical symptoms that may cause you embarrassment, such as blushing, sweating, trembling or having a shaky voice, Avoidance of doing things or speaking to people out of fear of embarrassment, Avoidance of situations where you might be the center of attention, Anxiety in anticipation of a feared activity or event, Intense fear or anxiety during social situations…

“Common, everyday experiences may be hard to endure when you have social anxiety disorder, including: Interacting with unfamiliar people or strangers, Attending parties or social gatherings, Going to work or school, Starting conversations, Making eye contact, Dating, Entering a room in which people are already seated, Returning items to a store, Eating in front of others, Using a public restroom, Analysis of your performance and identification of flaws in your interactions after a social situation, Expectation of the worst possible consequences from a negative experience during a social situation” –

–  it seems to me that everything in the quotes above is a perfect fit, or very close to a perfect fit with what you shared at length and repeatedly over the years in your many threads (under different accounts). Do you agree?

Back to The Mayo Clinic entry: “Complications: Left untreated, social anxiety disorder can control your life. Anxieties can interfere with work, school, relationships or enjoyment of life. This disorder can cause: Low self-esteem, Trouble being assertive, Negative self-talk, Hypersensitivity to criticism, Poor social skills, Isolation and difficult social relationships, Low academic and employment achievement” – still a perfect fit, isn’t it?

Back to The Mayo Clinic: “Social anxiety disorder can be a chronic mental health condition but learning coping skills in psychotherapy and taking medications can help you gain confidence and improve your ability to interact with others.”

anita

Hi Eric!

Perhaps it is important to consider why you feel awkward saying “hello”? Not saying hello and other polite things can be interpreted as rudeness. You might have difficulty making friends if you refuse to say hello to people.

It’s entirely possible that you may feel more comfortable communicating with them if you learn about these topics. Good luck with your chosen method.

My concern is that you are thinking a lot about speaking to people. Which makes you feel better without actually doing it.