Dear Neera,

You are very welcome, I am glad it helped you.

I did see my mom as a victim growing up. And the more I learned about domestic violence in school, the more I wanted to free her, but I did not know how. So I tried to be the partner for her that she needed, trying to be perfect and eventually it did wear me out.

If there was violence in your family and your father was hurting your mother, your mother was indeed a victim. But the question is whether she needed to stay victim or she could have done something to help herself.

You say that you learned about domestic violence at school, and tried to help her and free her. What kind of advice did you give her? Did you tell her to talk to someone and seek help, or to even divorce your father?

I am asking because it could be that she had options to help herself, but she chose to stay in a dysfunctional marriage, and made you and your sister collateral victims of sorts, exposing you to domestic violence and horrible fights between her and your father?

It’s no wonder that you did everything to please her and not to upset her, because you didn’t want to add to her burden of being the victim. It seems to me that you were there to meet her needs, instead of vice versa. When the time came for you to go to university, she emotionally manipulated you – again, using her “victimhood” – to stay by her side. This tells me that she mostly cared about herself and her needs, not about you.

You said that your parents’ fights have subsided since then, and that your father is actually on your mother’s side when the two of you have an argument:

The fights are now much less between the two of them but now it has gravitated towards my mom and I have major disagreements and arguments.

my dad is always on my moms side

How did this change in the dynamic between your parents come about? Is it maybe because your father is now weaker and perhaps sickly, and he depends on your mother to care for him? So he isn’t so aggressive any more, but became more tame?

In any case, it seems that your mother still sees herself as the victim, but now mostly your victim, not of your father’s? She doesn’t want to accept any responsibility for any wrong-doings, and this is a typical attitude of a person stuck in the victim mentality. My mother is also like that – she would never in a million years admit that she did anything wrong in the way she raised me. Ever. She has always been and always will be the victim. Full stop.

Instead of facing herself and acknowledging her shortcomings, it’s easier for your mother to shift the blame on you (or your father, in the past). Unfortunately I know this mindset very well… and yes, unfortunately this also means that honest conversation with your mother won’t be possible. Because she wants to remain the victim and she wants to keep blaming others.

My mother has gone through a lot in her marriage and even in childhood. And this is something I do greatly empathize with her on.

I also have empathy for my mother, since she was treated poorly as a child (her mother was even stricter and more judgmental than my mother was with me). However, at the end of the day, she is an adult and has the option to heal those wounds and not perpetuate the generational trauma. But she chooses not to. I can see that everything she does is a result of her childhood wounds, nevertheless those wounds (that she refuses to address) stand in the way of us having a close, heartfelt relationship.

I know it’s hard for you because I am sure you want to be close to your mother, like I wanted to be close to mine. But it’s not possible…. It took me many years to finally see that, and to accept it. Nowadays I love my mother from afar, and the less we talk, the better it is. Because she would start accusing me and blaming me at the first chance she has. So I keep my distance to protect myself. Our relationship is very superficial and we don’t see each other often, since I live in another country. But that’s how it has to be, and I accepted it.

On a positive note, it’s great that you have a very loving relationship with your partner. You seem to be able to talk openly and honestly about everything (unlike with your mother!), he is supportive and has lots of understanding for you. That’s very important!

I am realizing that as unfortunate as it is, for me to have a healthy relationship with my mom, the conversations must be minimal, and my responses must also be minimal. I cannot express myself or explain myself because there is no point.

Yes, that’s exactly the same experience that I had, and the same conclusion I’ve come to…

I suppose the best way for me to heal is therapy because the more I try for her to see what she did was wrong, and how what she is doing now is still wrong, the more strain it puts in our relationship. … I need to find a way to vent out my anger that is away from my childhood environment, and hopefully that can bring me to peace with reality.

Yes, I think therapy would be very helpful. Besides processing anger at your mother, I think it’s also important that you give love and compassion to yourself, to tell yourself (and your inner child) that you are lovable and precious and that you aren’t to blame for your mother’s unhappiness. Shower yourself with love, compassion and validation – to compensate for what you haven’t received as a child!