Dear SereneWolf,

Do you make new year resolutions every year?

No, I’ve stopped doing that long ago. I used to, but I’ve never followed through, so it was pointless. Just recently I’ve watched a Henry Cloud video, where he said that unless we don’t change anything in our routine, what difference will a flip of the calendar make?

The way I see it, New Year’s resolutions sound good in theory, because we’re beginning a new year, with all those possibilities in front of us. But we’ll need to introduce some changes (first in our mindset, and then in our routine too) if we really want those goals to come true.

Yes, that is what I’m trying to do but it’s no easy thing to be honest

When is it the hardest for you to be compassionate with yourself? Maybe if you can give me an example?

Remember when I told you that I believe in action-oriented things? So It’s because of this, otherwise I just dwell in overthinking about outcomes, and it takes lot of time and drain my energy as well. Although it still happens sometimes

So if I understood you well, you are action-oriented and strive to implement new things ASAP, without too much thinking about it and analyzing it in advance, because if you do, you’ll end up overthinking and it will drain your energy. Is this what you’re saying? So you just plunge into it right away, and see what happens?

If so, it’s not necessarily a bad strategy. You can be action-oriented and still compassionate with yourself. For example, you can tell yourself something like “okay, let’s try introducing the employees’ feedback box and see how they like it”. You’re kind of curious and relaxed about the outcome.

But if you say to yourself “I want to learn how to be a great leader by the end of the month, and I need to introduce the employee’s feedback box and all these other novelties, because that should help me become a great leader in 30 days” – well that would be putting a lot of pressure on yourself. I don’t know what your attitude is, but perhaps it’s something similar to the latter?

Maybe yes.. That time first thing I wanted was Freedom which I have now and I’m really appreciating it. And If I didn’t moved out I don’t think I’d be developed this much as per mindset.

Because my parents are overprotective. For example I started swimming classes and after a week I’ve told them but at village in my teenage years they be like don’t go inside deep water and do this and that and me and my siblings weren’t allowed to go swimming without my cousin who’s an expert swimmer, but I didn’t learned swimming like that. Even when I started swimming lessons, they asked hundreds of questions. If I’m getting watery eyes, Water is too cold and blah blah.. But finally I’ve learned swimming because My parents weren’t around me to stop.

I see… so your motivation was to be free both from their judgment, but also from their constraints and limitations. They were overprotective, they tried to stop you from learning new things, because they were afraid for your safety. And too afraid indeed, because you weren’t trying to do anything dangerous or reckless, but you were simply trying to learn how to swim – and you took swimming classes. You weren’t trying to learn to swim alone, in a lake or a river, without anyone to oversee you. But they were still afraid…

I can relate because my mother refused to buy me a bike, because she was afraid I’d get overrun by a car… And so I’ve never learned how to ride a bike in my childhood, and it got ever more difficult as I got older. I did try it as an adult but never got good at bike riding… because of my mother’s fears.

So the thing that I noticed is that first of all even parents are not believing in their kids that they can handle themselves and making them feel more dependent or not enough, which is kind of true reality for lot of families here nowadays.

You’re right, many parents fear for their kids, to the point of being overprotective and stifling their child’s growth and development. My mother was certainly like that, and I myself was quite an anxious child too, so I stayed by my mother’s side rather than venturing out to explore the world…

Luckily, you were a different type. You didn’t allow yourself to get intimidated by them. You ventured out on your own, and dared to try many new things.

Yes I agree with this. That’s why I’m trying to be mindful about my inner voice now even though nowadays it’s keep telling what’s next? what are you doing?

I wonder if the push to always try new things and never give yourself a break is in part related to your fear of being “subdued” and made dependent/controlled by your parents? A subconscious fear that if you don’t keep moving, they’ll catch up with you and “restrain” you and you’ll lose your freedom?