Dear Tee,

I see.. so it felt like she wasn’t too keen to meet you and hang out with you (online). And it wasn’t because she was super busy with her exams or anything like that? Btw was this your first LDR or the second one, which only lasted for a short time?

First LDR. And I know it’s silly but I actually was just curious about how LDR relationships are and just wanted to experience I didn’t know we would be attached to each other that much and soon like a committed relationship.

And no it wasn’t about the exams because it was her first LDR and first ever relationship. So she did told me that she’s shy and insecure, I said it’s not my first relationship but I’m somewhat shy and insecure too so.. So she said we’ll work for it. Now that’s the thing I cling to because she said we’ll work for it. But I didn’t understand sometimes it’s not easy for person just change their traits even though they want it to.

In my opinion, LDR only works if you also meet in person from time to time. You said that in your 1st LDR, you’ve never even video called, right? And it lasted for 3 years… that’s pretty mind boggling! But maybe it was during covid, so that’s why?

Yeah I know but I’m not fond of LDR anymore. Specially after I went on an in-person dates. We started it like one year before covid after she proposed. But the thing was that I saw the opportunity, I thought it’s like a blank page and together we could cultivate a real good relationship, Because I got the feeling like she’s just good and we could work for this LDR thing. It was really really hard for us. And because she said she’s shy and everything… I’m like okay I’ll give her time and have patience. But my patience turned into a comfort zone for her and she didn’t work for her social anxiety. so never even a video call.

And we did plan to meet and even decided to live together but because of covid and other circumstances we couldn’t, which made things even harder.

Yeah, that would be the first step… at least mentally, know that it is possible. It’s not a lost case from the start. There is hope!

Yes I know and to be honest I’m trying to be hopeful but it’s not that easy.. and because of that I just try to focus to be better on other areas

Because of the attachment – it is in our nature to form deep bonds with people closest to us. Our first attachment “figures” are our parents, and our second major attachment figure is our romantic partner. So what we’ve learned about love and bonding in the relationship with our parents, we carry it over to our romantic relationships. It’s the same “programming”, so to speak.

Oh okay I see…

No, being aware of it is just one part of it. Another part is emotional healing. That’s when the inner child comes into the picture, because the inner child carries those old hurts…

Ah yeah, Right! need to take care of the inner child.

Yeah, seems you’re conflicted. Like, “I need you so much”, and then in the next moment “I don’t need you at all!”. It’s like love and hate relationship. In fact, our relationship with our parents when we’re children is often like that: we need them, but we also hate them because they don’t give us what we need.

So perhaps this is what happens with you in those moments: when the girl doesn’t give you what you need (e.g. her absolute dedication), you get angry and protest. It’s like the child who protests when the mother doesn’t pay attention to him 100% of the time.

I am not saying you should tolerate if the girl is neglecting you and doesn’t want to spend time with you. I am more talking about the extremes where you maybe expect her to leave everything and spend time with you, even though she is studying for her exam (just as an example – don’t know if it’s applicable?). Maybe in those extremes you don’t have much understanding for her needs, but you demand her time, or else you get very angry? I am not claiming this is true for you, just speculating… so let me know if it applies?

Well not really. You see even it was new for me, I did told her that whenever she needs space or time she can feel free to tell me. I literally told her that “Don’t talk to me for a week or even a month if you don’t want to or able to, I won’t mind” but just let me know…And yeah at times I was seeking undivided attention but it’s only because I was giving her my undivided attention. Is that wrong?

Yes, it’s very possible that you need to better regulate your emotions. If what I suggested above is true, then the main driver for your strong emotions would be the inner child’s feeling of abandonment and anger when he’s not getting 100% attention all the time.

 Hmm I’m thinking is it really about seeking attention? or something else? Because I do know well attention doesn’t indirectly mean love or affection or validation from the partner

Well, I just yesterday watched a video where they said that around 50% of all relationships among young people are online. Which is a lot! I had no idea it was so much. And I can imagine it gets competitive if one has to compete against dozens of guys online. That’s why I think it’s better to have an in-person relationship, or if you have an LDR, preferably you originally meet the person face-to-face (say on a trip or a business conference). And then you continue LDR, but with regular visits. In any case, I think that being exclusively LDR isn’t optimal because you can’t have that level of bonding being just online.

Exactly! That’s why I’m like enough and also ended my second LDR. I did felt bad because that was really my fault like even after got out from one long LDR I tried to have another one? what was I thinking? But luckily I didn’t spend much time on it so not much extra emotions.

Good that you’re still focusing on the positives! If you start finding (unjustified) faults in her, notice it and stop yourself, because maybe it’s your outer critic/saboteur in action…

Yes I will try to stop my outer critic. But I think lot of times my pride/ego comes in between. Like why I should always text first? let her decide where to go, let her plan, I won’t be doing the work alone. and like that in most of my relationships in-person and LDR I felt one sided pretty frequently.
You aware about 5 love languages, right? Mine is Act of service and Quality time equally so maybe that says something 😆

So she’d like to reconcile, but you said no, and she accepts it?

Yes, I talked to her few months after the breakup.
She was like I wanted to work on my anxiety and fear, and when I was with you it got much better I never even thought that I would actually start an online relationship, be this much vulnerable and open myself to someone, but I was always trying to please you and felt insecure that If I’d do something wrong our bond wouldn’t be strong and it’ll break and because of LDR it wasn’t getting strong either.

Another thing, When she told me about her anxiety and she wanted to go to therapy I said it’s a good idea. But to be honest all this time I felt like I was kind of worked as her therapist. But she only started to see therapist after the breakup. And later she found out the along with social anxiety she also has ROCD.