Hey SereneWolf,

my weekend was fine, thanks. Still doing the same health-wise, so my leisure time isn’t as active as I’d want it to be, and it’s not a good feeling. I hope things will change for the better, sooner than later…

I guess so yeah and I was just worried so much about her healing that I didn’t even try to look from different perspective, and I believe after a while my “drill sergeant” just started being harsh on her

Yeah, you got impatient and started pushing her. She didn’t like it, and it was this superior-inferior dynamic, rather than an equal, loving and mutually supportive relationship. But I guess you’ve realized by now that this isn’t how a relationship should be, and that you shouldn’t be the girl’s therapist.

Haha yeah you do have a good point. But when I was at my hometown tbh only thing I really missed was my cat

Uh-oh… it’s not good news for the girl then 🙂 Yeah, you said earlier that you find it easier to bond with animals than with humans… If we miss someone, it means we created an attachment (a bond) with them. And I guess since you are afraid of attachment, you don’t easily create a bond… and so you don’t really miss the person either. At least this is how I am understanding it…

But I think I know the advantages of physical relationship now. We met this Saturday evening, and her anger was gone. She hugged me with good warmth like she actually missed me.

She did miss you, because she told you so (she wanted to text you to tell you that, but she deleted it). And she was upset that you didn’t text her. So she did miss you indeed… I am glad she isn’t angry with you anymore!

And we did have a good time together. She even cooked for me. but surprising enough I don’t feel much scared now because I’m not overthinking much and like we talked about mindfulness I’m just trying to enjoy present moments more… Because this different kind of feeling makes me feel like I’m not hard to love then why I’ve been so hard on myself for so long and not being compassionate with myself?

Great, fantastic that you can enjoy the present moment more, without overthinking too much and being scared. And it’s amazing that you’re realizing you are not hard to love!! That’s wonderful, SereneWolf, really a great development!

And I think you know the answer to “why have I been so hard on yourself for so long…?” Because of you having being judged and criticized as a child, and developing that harsh inner critic. You were made to believe that you were hard to love, when it’s not true at all. And now, as you’re starting to have more compassion for yourself, you’re starting to feel love for yourself too, and that you’re not hard to love… the inner critic is getting weaker, as well as that old programming…. I am really happy for you!

There’s good quote from Lord Krishna which I remembered so, Love when you can, Tomorrow isn’t promised. so I’m just reminding myself kind of things like this which could help me for loosen up my heart shield.

Great! You’re being mindful and repeating those affirmations, and it helps you stay in the present moment, feeling love, rather than fear…. Wow, amazing! I am proud of you, SereneWolf! 🙂

Well I can try to challenge my fear

You are already doing it, with all of the above that you’ve described. You’re on the right track!

Ah right also the reason why I don’t feel intimidated around them and not alarmed…But with people “better than me” I do feel intimidated.

Yes, you feel intimidated by those you feel “less than”. The goal is to feel “good enough” and worthy always, even if someone is more talented in some areas than you…

I do think so it could be like that even though lot of time she did praised me how I’m helping her but all I wanted was seeing a real change and actions which she didn’t.

Right… okay, so perhaps you didn’t seek praise and validation so much. You rather wanted “results”, like the drill sergeant wanting results from the novices. It could be that you adopted the persona of your father a little, who was also quite critical and impatient with you. Only you tried to hide your impatience with your ex, while you father didn’t temper himself at all, he gave you the full power of his anger…

Yes because of the fully remote job flexibility. I also want to start travelling more because I think connecting with nature is really healing for me and I feel so calm. One of the reasons why I’m trying so hard.

Okay, wish you luck with finding a good remote job! But while you’re still tied to one place, could you go travel on the weekends and spend time in nature? So reserve the weekends for adventure and “battery charging”?

Yes during work hours! But I’ve tried what you suggested but now I’m feeling sleepy at early evening time

Well, maybe your job is a little boring? 🙂 But does it also mean you’re working mostly from home and no need to go to the office?

But like just last three times in raw I had nightmares about my family members. First night my father getting angry and then my grandfather and I yelling at each other and then next day while taking a nap, my brother which is surprising because we’re very close to each other and it did felt really unpleasant and depressing

So you dreamed about your father, grandfather, brother and you all getting angry and yelling at each other? Not at the same time, but first your father got angry with you, and then you and your grandfather had a fight, and than in the next dream you and your brother had a fight, right? It could represent anger as the “modus operandi” among the men in your family? And that it affected you as well? I mean, that’s only my suggestion. What do you think it represents?