Hola Tee,
How are you doing?

Definitely it’s a good experiment to try to socialize more and see how you feel about people… if you still feel they’re very different and you feel like an alien?

Right but I’m kinda getting that I still have people pleasing behaviour

Are you saying that she gets upset by something (some human behavior), and this same behavior doesn’t affect you that much? Or she gets super excited about something, and you’re like “meh, nothing special”?

Yes kinda like that.

And there was also a bad connection, I’d say, during your LDR. Because that relationship was mostly frustrating for you, right?

Well yeah I guess we can count as a bad connection

Yes, for example we should love ourselves and feel lovable, without needing to get love from someone else. Or we shouldn’t feel helpless like a child and wait for someone else to fix our problems. I think those are examples of emotional self-sufficiency.

But I think because self-loving is still isn’t easy for me maybe that’s why I’m finding myself going towards emotional giving and receiving

Yeah, you’d probably like to fix the problem ASAP and make them stop (crying, or being upset or whatever). Whereas the best thing you can do is to simply listen and show empathy. You don’t need to fix anything, and your partner doesn’t even want it, in most cases. They only want empathy and understanding (remember that short video about the nail in the head? )

Yes I do remember that well and as I’m practicing empathy, but I guess because of my work, my problem solving abilities takes the turn first you know 😂

Oh I see… you’re filtering all critical and unsupportive people from your life… cool! good strategy!
Thanks haha

Okay, so you can ask yourself: what if I like her more with time? What’s the worst thing that can happen?

Umm a serious hard maintaining relationship that I have to work hard for!?

Or what if I feel bored with her after some time? And like what if she is not on the same page as me?

Exactly the thing that I’m scared about… Wasting my time and energy on a person

She is different than the usual type you’re attracted to (insecure, low self-esteem). I think that’s what’s scary because you can’t apply the usual tactics of your outer critic, which would be to see her as inferior and imperfect (which would then serve as an excuse to distance yourself from her). The inner critic is trying to sabotage you, by telling you you are worse than her in some respects. But nowadays you’re watching for the inner critic and you’re not believing everything it says. So the inner critic isn’t managing to sabotage the relationship so easily either…
But something in you (hint: the inner child) is still afraid, and so you’re coming up with these what-if questions, which serve the same purpose: to sabotage the relationship. My suggestion is to notice that too: that these what-if hypothetical questions serve the same purpose, and so not to give too much weight to them. If you want to try to push through the fear some more…

Hmm so basically be mindful and not overthink about these things? Well I’m trying and yeah you’re right I maybe comparing myself like that but I know that we both don’t have be perfect in every regard. We can just learn things from each other…

Thank you! Yes, it’s hard when it gets physical, when it’s your body that aches and there is no escape from pain.

Yes I can understand even though I don’t have much experience with physical pain but the thing is I did spent time with people close to me in the hospital and it doesn’t feel easy.

I feel that I could much more easily deal with emotional pain than with physical pain.

Well at least one less thing to worry and you worked on yourself all these years, so I guess that’s why it’s much easier for you

Because I can’t just think about it differently, so that it doesn’t cause pain any more. Although I think I can still be telling myself a positive, optimistic story, or I can be telling myself a negative, hopeless story (like that I’ll never get better). And that too makes a difference… But it’s hard, there’s no doubt about it…

Yes, it is hard. When I talked to my therapist first time, she explained the Surrender in that way. Because as a human nature we want to know things for sure, Otherwise because of uncertainty we get anxious.. and result even more less energy… So I believe surrender + hope are much better in situations like this..

What’s the worst kind of behavior that you feel you can’t protect yourself from?

Hmm I’m not really sure 🤔
I guess I have think back analyse more
You meant like behaviours that I can’t tolerate?

No, I don’t have any tattoos. Not my style, and besides, I’ve got many birthmarks, so I’d worry about damaging those. So no, no tattoos for me

Oh that many birthmarks? So it’s like your body jewelry?

If you worry about how the tattoo will look, I’d choose a spot which doesn’t depend on your muscular mass. So somewhere where it always looks the same, regardless of how fit you are

Hmm and those are? 😂