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Feels like Time is passing too fast

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  • #417047
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hola Tee,
    How are you doing?

    Definitely it’s a good experiment to try to socialize more and see how you feel about people… if you still feel they’re very different and you feel like an alien?

    Right but I’m kinda getting that I still have people pleasing behaviour

    Are you saying that she gets upset by something (some human behavior), and this same behavior doesn’t affect you that much? Or she gets super excited about something, and you’re like “meh, nothing special”?

    Yes kinda like that.

    And there was also a bad connection, I’d say, during your LDR. Because that relationship was mostly frustrating for you, right?

    Well yeah I guess we can count as a bad connection

    Yes, for example we should love ourselves and feel lovable, without needing to get love from someone else. Or we shouldn’t feel helpless like a child and wait for someone else to fix our problems. I think those are examples of emotional self-sufficiency.

    But I think because self-loving is still isn’t easy for me maybe that’s why I’m finding myself going towards emotional giving and receiving

    Yeah, you’d probably like to fix the problem ASAP and make them stop (crying, or being upset or whatever). Whereas the best thing you can do is to simply listen and show empathy. You don’t need to fix anything, and your partner doesn’t even want it, in most cases. They only want empathy and understanding (remember that short video about the nail in the head? )

    Yes I do remember that well and as I’m practicing empathy, but I guess because of my work, my problem solving abilities takes the turn first you know 😂

    Oh I see… you’re filtering all critical and unsupportive people from your life… cool! good strategy!
    Thanks haha

    Okay, so you can ask yourself: what if I like her more with time? What’s the worst thing that can happen?

    Umm a serious hard maintaining relationship that I have to work hard for!?

    Or what if I feel bored with her after some time? And like what if she is not on the same page as me?

    Exactly the thing that I’m scared about… Wasting my time and energy on a person

    She is different than the usual type you’re attracted to (insecure, low self-esteem). I think that’s what’s scary because you can’t apply the usual tactics of your outer critic, which would be to see her as inferior and imperfect (which would then serve as an excuse to distance yourself from her). The inner critic is trying to sabotage you, by telling you you are worse than her in some respects. But nowadays you’re watching for the inner critic and you’re not believing everything it says. So the inner critic isn’t managing to sabotage the relationship so easily either…
    But something in you (hint: the inner child) is still afraid, and so you’re coming up with these what-if questions, which serve the same purpose: to sabotage the relationship. My suggestion is to notice that too: that these what-if hypothetical questions serve the same purpose, and so not to give too much weight to them. If you want to try to push through the fear some more…

    Hmm so basically be mindful and not overthink about these things? Well I’m trying and yeah you’re right I maybe comparing myself like that but I know that we both don’t have be perfect in every regard. We can just learn things from each other…

    Thank you! Yes, it’s hard when it gets physical, when it’s your body that aches and there is no escape from pain.

    Yes I can understand even though I don’t have much experience with physical pain but the thing is I did spent time with people close to me in the hospital and it doesn’t feel easy.

    I feel that I could much more easily deal with emotional pain than with physical pain.

    Well at least one less thing to worry and you worked on yourself all these years, so I guess that’s why it’s much easier for you

    Because I can’t just think about it differently, so that it doesn’t cause pain any more. Although I think I can still be telling myself a positive, optimistic story, or I can be telling myself a negative, hopeless story (like that I’ll never get better). And that too makes a difference… But it’s hard, there’s no doubt about it…

    Yes, it is hard. When I talked to my therapist first time, she explained the Surrender in that way. Because as a human nature we want to know things for sure, Otherwise because of uncertainty we get anxious.. and result even more less energy… So I believe surrender + hope are much better in situations like this..

    What’s the worst kind of behavior that you feel you can’t protect yourself from?

    Hmm I’m not really sure 🤔
    I guess I have think back analyse more
    You meant like behaviours that I can’t tolerate?

    No, I don’t have any tattoos. Not my style, and besides, I’ve got many birthmarks, so I’d worry about damaging those. So no, no tattoos for me

    Oh that many birthmarks? So it’s like your body jewelry?

    If you worry about how the tattoo will look, I’d choose a spot which doesn’t depend on your muscular mass. So somewhere where it always looks the same, regardless of how fit you are

    Hmm and those are? 😂

     

    #417096
    Tee
    Participant

    Hola SereneWolf,

    I am doing a bit better at the moment, thank you. I do say this very cautiously because I’ve had improvements before, followed by a setback… but I am starting to feel a little more optimistic…

    Right but I’m kinda getting that I still have people pleasing behaviour

    You mean, when you are among people, you worry what people will think of you and you want to be liked? And you say things you don’t really mean, or something like that?

    You meant like behaviours that I can’t tolerate?

    Well, you said that being among people drains your energy and you don’t know how to protect yourself from that. So I asked what are the behaviors you can’t protect yourself from. But I guess the real question is: what is so draining when being among people? Perhaps what you said above – that you feel the need to “people please”? As in, maybe you feel the need to be liked, and so you can’t be yourself and relaxed?

    She seems quite sensitive.

    For me I’m not much emotionally expressive. Or like I just don’t get surprised with lot of human behaviour or things. I find it really normal. But her she like really emotionally expressive like a high school girl who feels too much you know

    [Are you saying that she gets upset by something (some human behavior), and this same behavior doesn’t affect you that much? Or she gets super excited about something, and you’re like “meh, nothing special”?] — Yes kinda like that.

    So she is emotionally expressive – she expresses her emotions freely. She is not shy to show anger and upset, but also joy and excitement…. if I understood you well? How do you feel about that feature of hers?

    Well yeah I guess we can count as a bad connection

    Yeah, I’d say that in the relationship department, so far you were alternating between a bad connection and no connection. You gravitated towards “no connection” in the past months, because you were disappointed with previous relationships. But then you decided to still give it a try. And now you’re in the middle of an experiment, of potentially creating and maintaining a good connection…

    But I think because self-loving is still isn’t easy for me maybe that’s why I’m finding myself going towards emotional giving and receiving

    Hm.. I think that because of troubles with self-love, you easily get into the inner critic (or the outer critic), which then sabotages the relationship. So I think that for you, lack of self-love is what keeps you out of the relationship. Or when you are in a relationship, it prevents vulnerability and intimacy (because you’re afraid to be judged). So, although you may be in a relationship, you don’t really engage in emotional giving and receiving. I mean, it seems that so far you haven’t. Now, in this latest relationship, this might change…

    Umm a serious hard maintaining relationship that I have to work hard for!?

    Actually, when both parties are emotionally more or less healthy and free to be themselves, a deep intimate relationship isn’t that hard to maintain. It sort of flows spontaneously… But a lot of work goes into getting to that point of being emotionally healthy, that’s true.

    Exactly the thing that I’m scared about… Wasting my time and energy on a person

    There are no guarantees that she is “the one”. But as you grow emotionally more healthy, you’ll be able to recognize people who are wholesome and healthy themselves, and you won’t end up wasting your time in draining relationships…

    Hmm so basically be mindful and not overthink about these things? Well I’m trying and yeah you’re right I maybe comparing myself like that but I know that we both don’t have be perfect in every regard. We can just learn things from each other…

    Yes, be mindful that a lot of those questions (“What if I get bored, what if I am wasting my time, what if I get to like her and will need to work hard to maintain the relationship?”) are coming from your fearful self. They are fear speaking through you. And you are learning now to face this fear, not to get into its trap again. So yes, be mindful, just notice it as a strong voice in you, however it’s not the only voice in you. It’s not the voice of your true self.

    Yes, it is hard. When I talked to my therapist first time, she explained the Surrender in that way. Because as a human nature we want to know things for sure, Otherwise because of uncertainty we get anxious.. and result even more less energy… So I believe surrender + hope are much better in situations like this..

    Yes, surrender as in accept the things as they are, even if they are bad at the moment. And hope that they will get better… so yes, I am learning to accept it, but also not to lose hope…

    Hmm and those are?

    Wrist, ankle, forearm, underneath the collarbone, hip area… I am no expert, but am sure there are a lot of ideas on the internet 🙂

     

    #417121
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Namaste Tee 🙏

    I am doing a bit better at the moment, thank you. I do say this very cautiously because I’ve had improvements before, followed by a setback… but I am starting to feel a little more optimistic…

    I’m glad to know that. Hope you’re having a good weekend. I have a question. What’s your absolute favorite thing to do on weekends that isn’t productivity related?

     

    You mean, when you are among people, you worry what people will think of you and you want to be liked? And you say things you don’t really mean, or something like that?

    Hmm not sure about that. But my main concern is I don’t like when people feel discomfort around me or specially because of me. It could be because of my childhood wound as well. You see my father’s anger was always on the edge so whenever he was around even he was calm I was anxious that at any time he’d flip out so I was constantly anxious and worried about his mood swings.

    Well, you said that being among people drains your energy and you don’t know how to protect yourself from that. So I asked what are the behaviors you can’t protect yourself from. But I guess the real question is: what is so draining when being among people? Perhaps what you said above – that you feel the need to “people please”? As in, maybe you feel the need to be liked, and so you can’t be yourself and relaxed?

    Okay I got it and I think It could a long list but generally I don’t like manipulative behaviours, and most of the time I can sense when people are trying to manipulate me or the others.
    I also don’t like being around people who are always projecting negative energy and criticizing others all the time. Or when they trying to be dominant with me for what they want.
    But I believe particularly sensitive to the emotions of others, and I kind of struggle with managing my own emotions in response to others.

    So she is emotionally expressive – she expresses her emotions freely. She is not shy to show anger and upset, but also joy and excitement…. if I understood you well? How do you feel about that feature of hers?

    I do think it’s kind of a healthy thing since I like things straight forward and it’s something that is easier to read from her? In my previous relationships none of them was this much emotionally expressive I had to ask them things so they can let out things you know.. Yet still I wasn’t sure about it. But Now I have this newfound appreciation for this kind of emotional authenticity? (Don’t know if that’s a right word)

    Yeah, I’d say that in the relationship department, so far you were alternating between a bad connection and no connection. You gravitated towards “no connection” in the past months, because you were disappointed with previous relationships. But then you decided to still give it a try. And now you’re in the middle of an experiment, of potentially creating and maintaining a good connection…

    Well yeah I guess so.. But now I’m realizing how much more work that I have to do.. and it feels like a lot

    Hm.. I think that because of troubles with self-love, you easily get into the inner critic (or the outer critic), which then sabotages the relationship. So I think that for you, lack of self-love is what keeps you out of the relationship. Or when you are in a relationship, it prevents vulnerability and intimacy (because you’re afraid to be judged). So, although you may be in a relationship, you don’t really engage in emotional giving and receiving. I mean, it seems that so far you haven’t. Now, in this latest relationship, this might change…

    Oh yeah that is right. So I need to work on healthy emotional giving and receiving.

    Actually, when both parties are emotionally more or less healthy and free to be themselves, a deep intimate relationship isn’t that hard to maintain. It sort of flows spontaneously… But a lot of work goes into getting to that point of being emotionally healthy, that’s true.

    Yes but finding that kind of a person isn’t easy either. With me, I got really emotionally invested and thought I can work and maintain on these things but yeah it’s definitely a two-person job.

    There are no guarantees that she is “the one”. But as you grow emotionally more healthy, you’ll be able to recognize people who are wholesome and healthy themselves, and you won’t end up wasting your time in draining relationships…

    Hmm really? How I’d be able to recognize that?

    Yes, be mindful that a lot of those questions (“What if I get bored, what if I am wasting my time, what if I get to like her and will need to work hard to maintain the relationship?”) are coming from your fearful self. They are fear speaking through you. And you are learning now to face this fear, not to get into its trap again. So yes, be mindful, just notice it as a strong voice in you, however it’s not the only voice in you. It’s not the voice of your true self.

    Yes I agree it’s nothing less than going on a war with my own self. Fighting with my own fear. Thing that I’m trying to do is that trying to make notes from my past where I took decision and I was right about it so my rational mind don’t always ask me question about it and be little more confident you know.. and I guess It could affect my self-esteem as well. But if you have better suggestion you’re more than welcome

    Yes, surrender as in accept the things as they are, even if they are bad at the moment. And hope that they will get better… so yes, I am learning to accept it, but also not to lose hope…

    That’s good! Keep it up! 😃

     

    Wrist, ankle, forearm, underneath the collarbone, hip area… I am no expert, but am sure there are a lot of ideas on the internet.

    I do have Pinterest board but it’s been a while and it’s not easy to choose.

     

    I also had an appointment with my therapist. She told me I’m doing quite good progress. And I talked about CPTSD as well. So listened things carefully and ask me lot of scenario type questions about my childhood. But she said she isn’t sure about and said there is really mild signs about it. But still we can work on it.

    One of the questions that could be helpful for us.

    So she already know that It’s been a while that I’m living on my own.

    So she asked me What happens if you buy something expensive without asking your parents? How they’d react and how you’d feel?

    And I said I’d still feel hesitant about it because I’d be worried what they’d think and feel guilty because I haven’t even asked them.

    So she asked me questions like that and said I still have fearful emotional pattern that I need to work on. Even though now I’m financially independent now I’m still attached to this kind of unhealthy emotional bond… She actually suggested me to talk more with my parents about this kind of things so they would be aware that I’m much more grown up than what they might think

    Fearful emotional patten and self-esteem these two things mainly she gave me homework for… Because like we talked, she said because of long term of criticism from every side (even my inner critic) My self-esteem took lot of damage and I have to heal that…

     

    #417152
    Tee
    Participant

    Hi SereneWolf,

    I have a question. What’s your absolute favorite thing to do on weekends that isn’t productivity related?

    My absolute favorite would be a nature walk with my husband, but since I am suffering with mobility in recent years, this is one thing I had to practically give up, and it’s very hard 🙁

    my main concern is I don’t like when people feel discomfort around me or specially because of me. It could be because of my childhood wound as well. You see my father’s anger was always on the edge so whenever he was around even he was calm I was anxious that at any time he’d flip out so I was constantly anxious and worried about his mood swings.

    Oh I see… so you are always on the lookout, fearing that somebody (perhaps your boss or an authority figure?) might be displeased with you and lash out at you (verbally)? So you’re afraid of being judged when among people?

    You also don’t like people who are constantly critical and try to dominate you (I guess because they remind you of your father?):

    I also don’t like being around people who are always projecting negative energy and criticizing others all the time. Or when they trying to be dominant with me for what they want.

    You also say you don’t like manipulation:

    I don’t like manipulative behaviours, and most of the time I can sense when people are trying to manipulate me or the others.

    I wonder if perhaps your mother showed some of the manipulative behavior in the past, e.g. when she would tell you to be “mature” and not react angrily to your father?

    But I believe particularly sensitive to the emotions of others, and I kind of struggle with managing my own emotions in response to others.

    Could it be that you are sensitive to other people’s anger/frustration/negativity (because it reminds you of your father)? And that you are also sensitive to “weaker” emotions, perhaps worry and sadness, because it reminds you of your mother?

    I do think it’s kind of a healthy thing since I like things straight forward and it’s something that is easier to read from her? In my previous relationships none of them was this much emotionally expressive I had to ask them things so they can let out things you know.. Yet still I wasn’t sure about it. But Now I have this newfound appreciation for this kind of emotional authenticity? (Don’t know if that’s a right word)

    I like the word! Good if you can appreciate her honesty and emotional expressiveness. You don’t feel like she is trying to manipulate you with her emotions, right?

    But now I’m realizing how much more work that I have to do.. and it feels like a lot

    What feels like the biggest work in your current relationship? What’s the hardest?

    Yes but finding that kind of a person isn’t easy either. With me, I got really emotionally invested and thought I can work and maintain on these things but yeah it’s definitely a two-person job.

    Yes, you can’t be the only one “carrying” the relationship. Or as we’ve talked before, if you are trying to change the other person and be their therapist, then of course it feels like hard work. Because you are trying to work against their own self-sabotage and their resistances…

    Hmm really? How I’d be able to recognize that?

    Well, you’ll see relatively soon that the person has a lot of issues, they can’t be happy, they are addicted, they are self-sabotaging, they are playing hot and cold (one day they are very into you, the next they are rejecting you and being distant) etc etc. So you’ll be able to notice that something’s not right, that they are fighting an internal battle and can’t be really present in the relationship. And then you’ll let them go, instead of trying to “save” them…

    Thing that I’m trying to do is that trying to make notes from my past where I took decision and I was right about it so my rational mind don’t always ask me question about it and be little more confident you know..

    Are you talking about the decisions you took in romantic relationships? Like when you followed your intuition and it turned out to be the right decision?

    I also had an appointment with my therapist. She told me I’m doing quite good progress.

    Glad about that!

    And I talked about CPTSD as well. So listened things carefully and ask me lot of scenario type questions about my childhood. But she said she isn’t sure about and said there is really mild signs about it. But still we can work on it.

    Well, I think everyone who was exposed to prolonged emotional abuse suffers from CPTSD. It’s a different name for developmental trauma – it didn’t happen suddenly, like one traumatic event, but over a long time, i.e. while growing up. So I guess you have it, same as me and numerous other children with emotionally abusive/unsupportive parents.

    So she asked me What happens if you buy something expensive without asking your parents? How they’d react and how you’d feel?

    And I said I’d still feel hesitant about it because I’d be worried what they’d think and feel guilty because I haven’t even asked them.

    So she asked me questions like that and said I still have fearful emotional pattern that I need to work on. Even though now I’m financially independent now I’m still attached to this kind of unhealthy emotional bond…

    Right.. so you’re still afraid of their judgment. You still care what they’ll think of you, and I think it’s because a part of you still believes you’re not good enough. So you need their validation and approval.

    Fearful emotional patten and self-esteem these two things mainly she gave me homework for… Because like we talked, she said because of long term of criticism from every side (even my inner critic) My self-esteem took lot of damage and I have to heal that…

    Yes, you were criticized a lot, and you internalized that voice, and so now you don’t only have the voice of your father and grandfather against you, but also your own inner critical voice. So it’s 3 to 1. Three critics to one helpless inner child. Fortunately, you’re developing the positive father voice to counter those critics. But it takes time, it doesn’t happen over night…

    She actually suggested me to talk more with my parents about this kind of things so they would be aware that I’m much more grown up than what they might think

    What exactly did she suggest you talk to them about? I mean, if you still have an unhealthy emotional bond (which in my opinion is the fear of their judgement, i.e. the need for their approval), only you can release that bond. Only you can set yourself free.

    Because as you said, your parents will likely not change. They’ve changed somewhat in the sense that they (specially your father) isn’t that judgmental with you any more. But I guess they’ll never approve of all of your decisions, e.g. they’ll never approve of you getting a tattoo 🙂

    What I am saying is that if you want their blessing to live your life as you please, I don’t think you’ll get it. And I don’t think it’s necessary either. There will be always something they will disagree with. And that’s fine.

    What you’d rather need is to free yourself from the need to get their approval… It’s you who should set yourself free, not them…

     

    #417405
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hello Tee,

    My absolute favorite would be a nature walk with my husband, but since I am suffering with mobility in recent years, this is one thing I had to practically give up, and it’s very hard

    Oh I can totally understand that. Nature walk are really soothing. And I guess even more when you’re walking with your S/O. I hope you get healthy soon so you can continue your nature walks

    Oh I see… so you are always on the lookout, fearing that somebody (perhaps your boss or an authority figure?) might be displeased with you and lash out at you (verbally)? So you’re afraid of being judged when among people?

    I mean I know they’re professional they wouldn’t lash out at me that easily but easily disappointed because of something? Yeah! But yeah I’m afraid of being judged

    You also don’t like people who are constantly critical and try to dominate you (I guess because they remind you of your father?):

    Yes Exactly!

    I wonder if perhaps your mother showed some of the manipulative behavior in the past, e.g. when she would tell you to be “mature” and not react angrily to your father?

    Hmm I guess so?

    Could it be that you are sensitive to other people’s anger/frustration/negativity (because it reminds you of your father)? And that you are also sensitive to “weaker” emotions, perhaps worry and sadness, because it reminds you of your mother?

    I guess it’s bit of both? One of the reasons why I haven’t been enough emotionally expressive. Because I’d feel like I’m being rude and insensitive to others

     

    I like the word! Good if you can appreciate her honesty and emotional expressiveness. You don’t feel like she is trying to manipulate you with her emotions, right?

    Well that’s easy to answer as of now. Because you know when some people give you bad vibes even though they’re acting nice with you? So, I don’t think she’s manipulating with her emotions.

    Another thing is that it’s hard to know if she’s emotionally mature or not. Because so far I do like her innocent emotional behaviour. She’s like a naïve little girl who doesn’t like to bottle up emotions like we “mature” adults do

    What feels like the biggest work in your current relationship? What’s the hardest?

    Self esteem, Being emotionally expressive, Being compassionate with myself that’s what I can think about now

    Yes, you can’t be the only one “carrying” the relationship. Or as we’ve talked before, if you are trying to change the other person and be their therapist, then of course it feels like hard work. Because you are trying to work against their own self-sabotage and their resistances…

    And it took me years to realize that 😂

     

    Well, you’ll see relatively soon that the person has a lot of issues, they can’t be happy, they are addicted, they are self-sabotaging, they are playing hot and cold (one day they are very into you, the next they are rejecting you and being distant) etc etc. So you’ll be able to notice that something’s not right, that they are fighting an internal battle and can’t be really present in the relationship. And then you’ll let them go, instead of trying to “save” them…

    Right I agree few days ago there was this reel on my IG. She was like after you’re healed, It’s really easy to see red flags everywhere. And dating will be even harder because you wouldn’t just settle with anyone. And there are lot of people who doesn’t even know that they need to heal their selves.

    Are you talking about the decisions you took in romantic relationships? Like when you followed your intuition and it turned out to be the right decision?

    Haha no I mean like workwise decisions. But good question when it comes to romantic relationships, I didn’t felt like I’m taking a big decision.

    Well, I think everyone who was exposed to prolonged emotional abuse suffers from CPTSD. It’s a different name for developmental trauma – it didn’t happen suddenly, like one traumatic event, but over a long time, i.e. while growing up. So I guess you have it, same as me and numerous other children with emotionally abusive/unsupportive parents.

    Oh right I agree and I think that’s also the reason that it’s giving me nightmares sometimes

    Like just last night I had a dream that my father was angry at me and comparing me with someone but this time I didn’t listened, and I got angry at him and told him lot of things that I wanted to tell him! It could be the sign that I still haven’t forgive him and I’m carrying that baggage?

    Right… so you’re still afraid of their judgment. You still care what they’ll think of you, and I think it’s because a part of you still believes you’re not good enough. So you need their validation and approval.

    Yeah which I think it’s really concerning thing to work on

    Yes, you were criticized a lot, and you internalized that voice, and so now you don’t only have the voice of your father and grandfather against you, but also your own inner critical voice. So it’s 3 to 1. Three critics to one helpless inner child. Fortunately, you’re developing the positive father voice to counter those critics. But it takes time, it doesn’t happen over night…

    Yeah it’s years of their sweat it doesn’t going to just disappear over night😂

    But I won’t give up. I’m stubborn too so 😌

    What exactly did she suggest you talk to them about? I mean, if you still have an unhealthy emotional bond (which in my opinion is the fear of their judgement, i.e. the need for their approval), only you can release that bond. Only you can set yourself free.

    Because as you said, your parents will likely not change. They’ve changed somewhat in the sense that they (specially your father) isn’t that judgmental with you any more. But I guess they’ll never approve of all of your decisions, e.g. they’ll never approve of you getting a tattoo

    What I am saying is that if you want their blessing to live your life as you please, I don’t think you’ll get it. And I don’t think it’s necessary either. There will be always something they will disagree with. And that’s fine.

    What you’d rather need is to free yourself from the need to get their approval… It’s you who should set yourself free, not them…

    I mean I know what you mean and I agree. But she suggested me kind of things that I’m feared to talk to them I already know their response (Somewhat) It’s just kind of practice not letting my fear of speaking for myself to be grown even more..

    Another thing I know my parents did things knowingly or unknowingly. But I don’t want to be a typical American psycho kid who thinks it’s cool to have not good relationship with their parents because of the rise of modern business “therapy”. Because at the end of the day the day they are part the family, and family does matter. And I’m not saying I want perfect relationship with them because I know it’s not possible, But just not hateful relationship.

     

    This week it was my birthday, I’m in my late 20s now. And oh dear I definitely felt like “Time is passing too fast” I mean I know it’s normal and there wasn’t any critical voice this time. But it does feel that time is going too fast and I don’t know what I’m trying to get a hold on, World is moving fast, I don’t know why am I feeling pulled down and if I don’t, I feel like I’m missing out a lot as of my age.. I guess we always run for big achievements when we think it’s meaningful but after we’ve achieved it, It just lost it’s meaning.. So it’s like a constant chasing something that we’re sure we won’t be satisfied with…

     

    #417430
    Tee
    Participant

    Hi SereneWolf,

    Nature walk are really soothing. And I guess even more when you’re walking with your S/O. I hope you get healthy soon so you can continue your nature walks

    Thanks, that’s one of my greatest wishes!

    I mean I know they’re professional they wouldn’t lash out at me that easily but easily disappointed because of something? Yeah! But yeah I’m afraid of being judged

    I see – so you’re on the lookout because you’re afraid you might say something that these people won’t like, and they’ll start judging you and thinking poorly of you. This is most likely the consequence of fearing your father and never knowing when he’ll lash out at you (my father’s anger was always on the edge so whenever he was around even he was calm I was anxious that at any time he’d flip out). Now being around authority figures gives you the same anxiety… because you’re projecting your father into them.

    If that’s so, the first thing you can do is to be aware of this dynamics. Perhaps you can also tell yourself that 1) other people are not like your father, and 2) you are easy to love (I mention this because you’ve realized this recently about yourself, and I think it’s a good phrase to repeat to yourself, even in a professional setting).  If “I am easy to love” is too much, you can repeat to yourself something like “I’ve got many talents and abilities, I am good and capable enough.” Perhaps this would help you be a little less anxious at business/professional gatherings?

    I don’t like manipulative behaviours, and most of the time I can sense when people are trying to manipulate me or the others

    Can you give me an example of a manipulative behavior you don’t like?

    I guess it’s bit of both? One of the reasons why I haven’t been enough emotionally expressive. Because I’d feel like I’m being rude and insensitive to others

    Alright, so you feel that if you were really honest with people, you’d be rude and without much empathy for them (or for some of them)? I mean, you would tell them what they deserve? And so you rather don’t say anything and don’t show your emotions?

    Well that’s easy to answer as of now. Because you know when some people give you bad vibes even though they’re acting nice with you? So, I don’t think she’s manipulating with her emotions.

    Another thing is that it’s hard to know if she’s emotionally mature or not. Because so far I do like her innocent emotional behaviour. She’s like a naïve little girl who doesn’t like to bottle up emotions like we “mature” adults do

    Good that she doesn’t use her emotions to manipulate you! As for the notion that to be a mature adult means to bottle up one’s emotions… well, that’s not really true. It sounds like something your mother would have told you when you were angry at your father?

    Because in truth, to be mature means to be able to regulate our emotions, not to suppress them. Remember, anger is a signal, not a solution (Henry Cloud). If you cut off the signalling system, that’s not a sign of maturity…

    Self esteem, Being emotionally expressive, Being compassionate with myself that’s what I can think about now

    Okay, so it seems you feel a little threatened by her talents and abilities, you feel less-than in some aspects (perhaps in emotional expressiveness too?), and your inner critic would like to sabotage it. Just keep noticing it, and keep telling yourself “I am easy to love”, or something long those lines. If it works for you, of course…

    And it took me years to realize that

    Better later than never! 🙂

    Right I agree few days ago there was this reel on my IG. She was like after you’re healed, It’s really easy to see red flags everywhere. And dating will be even harder because you wouldn’t just settle with anyone.

    Well, I’d say it makes it easier, not harder, if you know how to spot emotionally unhealthy people. Because you won’t get into relationships that will drain you and that have no future. Or even if you enter such a relationship, you’ll quickly see it’s not good for you and you’ll leave. So I don’t see any drawbacks of healing, just positives…

    Like just last night I had a dream that my father was angry at me and comparing me with someone but this time I didn’t listened, and I got angry at him and told him lot of things that I wanted to tell him! It could be the sign that I still haven’t forgive him and I’m carrying that baggage?

    I think it’s a good sign that you confronted him in your dreams. And that you told him what you’ve always wanted to tell him! The thing is, you can’t really forgive him if you haven’t expressed the anger for what he did to you and how he treated you. You don’t need to express it to him, and it wouldn’t even be advisable, but you’d need to feel it and express it either to yourself or in therapy – before you can forgive your father.

    Because anger in this case is a natural reaction to having been emotionally abused, and it is justified. Once you express your anger (either to yourself in private or in therapy), you can get clear about your boundaries, i.e. what you will and will not tolerate in the future. It will also enable you to forgive your father – as in not hold a grudge against him, not resent him forever. But it will also enable you to protect yourself from his anger and condemnation in the future.

    So expressing anger (in a safe environment) is in my opinion the key to move on in a healthy way, which means: without resentment towards the person, but with healthy boundaries.

    Yeah which I think it’s really concerning thing to work on

    Yeah, you’d need to validate yourself. You’d need to tell yourself (and your inner child) that you are worthy, and that you’re worthy simply because you exist. You don’t need to do anything to earn your worth – it’s something all of us as human beings innately possess. I think that’s the bottom line: if you know you’re worthy, you won’t need others to validate you.

    I mean I know what you mean and I agree. But she suggested me kind of things that I’m feared to talk to them I already know their response (Somewhat) It’s just kind of practice not letting my fear of speaking for myself to be grown even more..

    So you want to talk to them about some topics that you already know their opinion on (something they don’t agree with you?), and you want to try to explain it to them once again? If I understood it correctly?

    Another thing I know my parents did things knowingly or unknowingly. But I don’t want to be a typical American psycho kid who thinks it’s cool to have not good relationship with their parents because of the rise of modern business “therapy”. Because at the end of the day the day they are part the family, and family does matter. And I’m not saying I want perfect relationship with them because I know it’s not possible, But just not hateful relationship.

    I understand that you want to have a relationship with them, you don’t want to cut ties. And you don’t need to cut ties. The way you can do it – to have a relationship without hate on your side – is to process the anger you have against them, as I suggested above. Which means in therapy, or to yourself in private.

    You can write down everything you resent them about, separately your father and your mother, and allow yourself to feel your anger (which is justified, remember, because what you went through was emotional abuse). Expressing anger will reset your system and you’ll be able to forgive them, but also to set some boundaries, that are respectful to you. You won’t allow to be abused like before.

    So you’ll be able to love them, but also to love and respect yourself at the same time. That’s the only way I know of how you truly heal…

    This week it was my birthday, I’m in my late 20s now

    Happy birthday, SereneWolf! All the best to you!

    And oh dear I definitely felt like “Time is passing too fast” I mean I know it’s normal and there wasn’t any critical voice this time. But it does feel that time is going too fast and I don’t know what I’m trying to get a hold on, World is moving fast, I don’t know why am I feeling pulled down and if I don’t, I feel like I’m missing out a lot as of my age.. I guess we always run for big achievements when we think it’s meaningful but after we’ve achieved it, It just lost it’s meaning.. So it’s like a constant chasing something that we’re sure we won’t be satisfied with…

    Perhaps you chase some big achievement, so you can feel worthy? So your parents would finally be proud of you and acknowledge your worth?

    In reality, you are still very young, you’ve already accomplished a lot professionally (e.g. you are the youngest manager in your company). You’re also finishing your bachelors degree while working full time, and are planning to enroll an MBA. Apart from that, you’re constantly improving yourself, both your tech skills and your soft skills. You are learning how to be vulnerable in romantic relationships and are applying that with your new girlfriend. You are willing to self-reflect and challenge yourself… I mean, you are doing A LOT, SereneWolf! And you have achieved a lot in your young life. Whoever tells you differently is lying big time!

    But I know that those critical voices are still strong in you, and this sentiment is coming from them. Luckily, as you said: I won’t give up. I’m stubborn too

    Cheers to that! 🙂 And to another challenging/amazing year in front of you!

     

    #417455
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Ola Tee,

    Thanks, that’s one of my greatest wishes!

    I hope your wishes come true 🤗

     

    I see – so you’re on the lookout because you’re afraid you might say something that these people won’t like, and they’ll start judging you and thinking poorly of you. This is most likely the consequence of fearing your father and never knowing when he’ll lash out at you (my father’s anger was always on the edge so whenever he was around even he was calm I was anxious that at any time he’d flip out). Now being around authority figures gives you the same anxiety… because you’re projecting your father into them.

    If that’s so, the first thing you can do is to be aware of this dynamics. Perhaps you can also tell yourself that 1) other people are not like your father, and 2) you are easy to love (I mention this because you’ve realized this recently about yourself, and I think it’s a good phrase to repeat to yourself, even in a professional setting).  If “I am easy to love” is too much, you can repeat to yourself something like “I’ve got many talents and abilities, I am good and capable enough.” Perhaps this would help you be a little less anxious at business/professional gatherings?

    Thanks a lot for clear and stepwise guidance! it’s much clearer to me and yeah, I do like “I’m easy to love” affirmation more, Because I started to believe that somewhat

    Can you give me an example of a manipulative behavior you don’t like?

    Hmm currently Passive aggressive and love bombing comes to my mind.

    There’s another thing though.. I guess in past I may took some things as love bombing even though they were being genuine. Because it’s been hard for me to take compliments (Even from my gfs)

     

    Alright, so you feel that if you were really honest with people, you’d be rude and without much empathy for them (or for some of them)? I mean, you would tell them what they deserve? And so you rather don’t say anything and don’t show your emotions?

    Yes Exactly!

     

    Good that she doesn’t use her emotions to manipulate you! As for the notion that to be a mature adult means to bottle up one’s emotions… well, that’s not really true. It sounds like something your mother would have told you when you were angry at your father?

    Because in truth, to be mature means to be able to regulate our emotions, not to suppress them. Remember, anger is a signal, not a solution (Henry Cloud). If you cut off the signalling system, that’s not a sign of maturity…

    Yes I remember the Henry cloud’s video now! I’ll take a note of this. Regulations my emotions, that’s we are already working on so
    What single thing that been most helpful for regulating your emotions?

     

    Okay, so it seems you feel a little threatened by her talents and abilities, you feel less-than in some aspects (perhaps in emotional expressiveness too?), and your inner critic would like to sabotage it. Just keep noticing it, and keep telling yourself “I am easy to love”, or something long those lines. If it works for you, of course…

    Okay I’ll try this affirmations and update you

     

    Well, I’d say it makes it easier, not harder, if you know how to spot emotionally unhealthy people. Because you won’t get into relationships that will drain you and that have no future. Or even if you enter such a relationship, you’ll quickly see it’s not good for you and you’ll leave. So I don’t see any drawbacks of healing, just positives…

    Hmm that’s a positive perspective to look from

     

    I think it’s a good sign that you confronted him in your dreams. And that you told him what you’ve always wanted to tell him! The thing is, you can’t really forgive him if you haven’t expressed the anger for what he did to you and how he treated you. You don’t need to express it to him, and it wouldn’t even be advisable, but you’d need to feel it and express it either to yourself or in therapy – before you can forgive your father.

    Because anger in this case is a natural reaction to having been emotionally abused, and it is justified. Once you express your anger (either to yourself in private or in therapy), you can get clear about your boundaries, i.e. what you will and will not tolerate in the future. It will also enable you to forgive your father – as in not hold a grudge against him, not resent him forever. But it will also enable you to protect yourself from his anger and condemnation in the future.

    So expressing anger (in a safe environment) is in my opinion the key to move on in a healthy way, which means: without resentment towards the person, but with healthy boundaries.

    Okay means I should express this anger to myself first and then therapy? How do I do that to myself first?

    About boundaries you’re right and for so long he haven’t disrespected any of my boundaries tbh

     

    Yeah, you’d need to validate yourself. You’d need to tell yourself (and your inner child) that you are worthy, and that you’re worthy simply because you exist. You don’t need to do anything to earn your worth – it’s something all of us as human beings innately possess. I think that’s the bottom line: if you know you’re worthy, you won’t need others to validate you.

    Okay so I know what you mean but my rational my mind always ask me questions when I tell myself things like that like how you could be worthy if you haven’t done something worthwhile?

    So you want to talk to them about some topics that you already know their opinion on (something they don’t agree with you?), and you want to try to explain it to them once again? If I understood it correctly?

    Yes kinda like that

     

    I understand that you want to have a relationship with them, you don’t want to cut ties. And you don’t need to cut ties. The way you can do it – to have a relationship without hate on your side – is to process the anger you have against them, as I suggested above. Which means in therapy, or to yourself in private.

    You can write down everything you resent them about, separately your father and your mother, and allow yourself to feel your anger (which is justified, remember, because what you went through was emotional abuse). Expressing anger will reset your system and you’ll be able to forgive them, but also to set some boundaries, that are respectful to you. You won’t allow to be abused like before.

    So you’ll be able to love them, but also to love and respect yourself at the same time. That’s the only way I know of how you truly heal…

    I agree with you, Expressing anger in healthier way that’s what I need to learn now

     

    Happy birthday, SereneWolf! All the best to you!

    Thanks Tee!

    Perhaps you chase some big achievement, so you can feel worthy? So your parents would finally be proud of you and acknowledge your worth?

    I’m not sure but I guess my subconscious wants that?

    In reality, you are still very young, you’ve already accomplished a lot professionally (e.g. you are the youngest manager in your company). You’re also finishing your bachelors degree while working full time, and are planning to enroll an MBA. Apart from that, you’re constantly improving yourself, both your tech skills and your soft skills. You are learning how to be vulnerable in romantic relationships and are applying that with your new girlfriend. You are willing to self-reflect and challenge yourself… I mean, you are doing A LOT, SereneWolf! And you have achieved a lot in your young life. Whoever tells you differently is lying big time!

    But I know that those critical voices are still strong in you, and this sentiment is coming from them. Luckily, as you said: I won’t give up. I’m stubborn too

    Cheers to that!   And to another challenging/amazing year in front of you!

    Thank you so much for always giving me good reminders!

    #417456
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Also, so I had another date with doctor, and I spent really good time with her. But at that night her ex called him and talked to her, Next day again we had lunch together and told me about it. She says she’s really confused because he asked him to be back together. They were together for more than 4 years, so her emotions are really strong. and she said she really feels secure with me and really like spending time with me but her ex wants to meet her so she doesn’t know what she should do and asking me… And I said I’m not in the position to give you any advice on this, Do what feels right for you. I won’t force you to stick with me.

    So let’s see what happens…

    #417464
    Tee
    Participant

    Hi SereneWolf,

    She says she’s really confused because he asked him to be back together. They were together for more than 4 years, so her emotions are really strong.

    Hm.. that’s not a good sign, since it means she still has feelings for him. And that she is considering going back to him, otherwise she wouldn’t want to meet him. BTW, was he the one who left her? Because usually that’s when we still have feelings for the ex…

    In any case, it’s not a good sign. But I think you reacted well when you said you can’t tell her what to do, and that you don’t want to force her to stick with you. And I guess you meant that you don’t want to beg her either, right? Perhaps your slightly detached style served you well in this situation, because you didn’t get too emotional about it. You didn’t start panicking, begging her, or accusing her…

    But the bottom line is, since she has feelings for the other guy, it’s not good for the future of your relationship. I think she’d need to resolve those feelings, i.e. the conflict and confusion she feels about her ex, before she can continue dating you.

    I don’t know how you feel about it? Btw I am curious, how did she react to your relatively detached reaction?

     

    #417477
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hm.. that’s not a good sign, since it means she still has feelings for him. And that she is considering going back to him, otherwise she wouldn’t want to meet him. BTW, was he the one who left her? Because usually that’s when we still have feelings for the ex…

    I know but I’m not disappointed because I wasn’t much attached, I didn’t ask if her ex left her, or she left him

    I guess you meant that you don’t want to beg her either, right?

    Lol NOPE!

    I don’t know how you feel about it?

    Well I know it’s not really normal, but I feel good like I’m saved from emotional frustration and etc. 😅

    Like how Americans say “Dodged a bullet?” Idk if it’s relevant here 😂

     

     how did she react to your relatively detached reaction?

    She wasn’t surprised she already sees me as someone who’s “Calm and composed” She told me this in our first date and I said It’s what you see but I do have anxiety like some other people…

    Even this time she told me – you seem not agitated about this at all. I just asked her reversibly do you really want me to?

    And yet still she kissed me good before she left with little sigh…

    I guess I didn’t told you, Remember when she came to my place and cooked for me? Well that night after dinner we went on my terrace for stargazing, and we were talking and she was about to tell me I love you, I just shushed her and told her that, let’s take it slowly and kinda also sarcastically said it’s the “mild breeze” talking

    She laughed and also said yeah I’m being eager. but that’s a “twinkling” talking.

     

     

     

     

    #417481
    Tee
    Participant

    Hey SereneWolf,

    Thanks a lot for clear and stepwise guidance! it’s much clearer to me and yeah, I do like “I’m easy to love” affirmation more, Because I started to believe that somewhat

    You’re welcome! I am glad you’ve started to believe that you are easy to love, and that you’ll be using that affirmation. I love that affirmation btw, I think it’s very powerful.

    Hmm currently Passive aggressive and love bombing comes to my mind.

    There’s another thing though.. I guess in past I may took some things as love bombing even though they were being genuine. Because it’s been hard for me to take compliments (Even from my gfs)

    Yeah, it could be that some of the positive attention and praise you’ve received was genuine, but you didn’t register it as such, because you believed you were hard to love… so you didn’t believe them.

    Love bombing is usually used by narcissistic people as a way to hook you in, to “catch” you. Once they succeed, they become very different, they start controlling you, putting you down, manipulating you etc. Have you had such an experience before – of someone first playing super loving and nice, and then turning against you?

    [Alright, so you feel that if you were really honest with people, you’d be rude and without much empathy for them (or for some of them)? I mean, you would tell them what they deserve? And so you rather don’t say anything and don’t show your emotions?] — Yes Exactly!

    Okay, this sounds like the way you reacted to your father: you actually wanted to tell him what he deserved, but you were afraid to do so… and so you remained silent but were boiling inside, right? Nowadays I guess when people remind you of your father, that same anger wants to come out, but you suppress it (rightfully so, because it would be inappropriate to express it to their face).

    However, I think that’s why it would be so important to process the anger you feel at your father, because once you do, you’ll be much less reactive with other people, specially in professional settings, where it’s important to keep your cool.

    Another consequence will be that you won’t be so afraid of speaking up when you disagree with someone, because you’ll be able to do it calmly, in a civil manner. Or without sarcasm (because sometimes when you’re upset, you use sarcasm, which is a form of passive aggression). Anyway, I think processing your anger will do you good in more than one way.

    Regulations my emotions, that’s we are already working on so. What single thing that been most helpful for regulating your emotions?

    Hm, I think it’s writing it down… I write it down when I am angry and upset. It’s a form of processing, because while writing, I usually get some insights about why I am angry, or sad, and how I can help myself. So journaling helps me.

    Okay means I should express this anger to myself first and then therapy? How do I do that to myself first?

    You can do it either on your own, or in therapy. If you want to do it on your own, you can write it down, journal about it. Recall an incident from your childhood or youth which was really upsetting, and write down everything you feel about it. Write down why you are angry and how your father hurt you. You can also punch a punching bag or a pillow – that helps to express anger and release it from the system.

    Remember, you’re not a bad person, or a bad son, for feeling angry about the way you were treated. It’s a justified anger and you have the right to feel it.

    About boundaries you’re right and for so long he haven’t disrespected any of my boundaries tbh

    That’s good to hear!

    Okay so I know what you mean but my rational my mind always ask me questions when I tell myself things like that like how you could be worthy if you haven’t done something worthwhile?

    Because we all have gifts and talents, we are born with them, it’s like jewels we are adorned with 🙂 We are all special and unique in our own way. That’s why we’re worthy simply be existing…

    I’m not sure but I guess my subconscious wants that?

    Yes, quite possible, because if we don’t feel worthy, we typically want to achieve something big to prove our worth. Some people even do achieve great things, but they play it down, telling themselves it’s not a big deal, that they simply got lucky and don’t really deserve the praise (that’s the impostor syndrome).

    You too mentioned you suffer from the impostor syndrome. And it’s possible, because you downplay your achievements and are pushing yourself to achieve more and faster. And that’s probably because deep inside, you don’t feel worthy and you seek validation.

    So actually when you say your subconscious wants it – I think it’s actually your inner child who is seeking praise and validation from your parents…

    Thank you so much for always giving me good reminders!

    You are very welcome! I’ll repeat it: you are doing a lot, and have achieved a lot. It’s your feeling unworthy that is telling you differently!

     

    #417482
    Tee
    Participant

    Hi SereneWolf,

    continuing about your girlfriend’s recent admission…

    I know but I’m not disappointed because I wasn’t much attached, I didn’t ask if her ex left her, or she left him

    Well I know it’s not really normal, but I feel good like I’m saved from emotional frustration and etc. Like how Americans say “Dodged a bullet?” Idk if it’s relevant here

    Yeah, that’s your avoidant attachment style. You keep a distance, you put on a guard, you don’t allow yourself to get too close… In this situation now it might be useful, since the girl still has feelings for her ex. And it doesn’t leave you too affected emotionally, in fact you feel a sense of relief…

    She wasn’t surprised she already sees me as someone who’s “Calm and composed” She told me this in our first date and I said It’s what you see but I do have anxiety like some other people…

    Even this time she told me – you seem not agitated about this at all. I just asked her reversibly do you really want me to?

    And yet still she kissed me good before she left with little sigh…

    I guess she is disappointed a little that you are so “calm and composed” about not having her in your life. That you don’t love her and miss her more. That’s what the sigh means, I guess…

    I guess I didn’t told you, Remember when she came to my place and cooked for me? Well that night after dinner we went on my terrace for stargazing, and we were talking and she was about to tell me I love you, I just shushed her and told her that, let’s take it slowly and kinda also sarcastically said it’s the “mild breeze” talking

    Yeah, you stopped her from expressing her love, I guess because you didn’t want to express it to her either? You were afraid of deep emotions. And also, perhaps the belief that “I am hard to love” was still present in you a little, so how could she possibly say that she loves you – it must be the breeze and the stars…?

    It could be that she agreed to give her ex another chance because she is missing more “attachment” from you, more eagerness to be with her? I am not saying it is your fault that she is conflicted, but it could be that she feels she’s not important enough to you, and this contributed to her conflict? Has she ever complained about your emotional “coolness”/reservedness till now?

     

    #417653
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hey Tee,

    How are you doing?

    You’re welcome! I am glad you’ve started to believe that you are easy to love, and that you’ll be using that affirmation. I love that affirmation btw, I think it’s very powerful.

    Oh good! Here’s another one I kinda created from the conversation we had, I am enough, just as I am, and I am worthy of all the good things that life has to offer.

     

    Yeah, it could be that some of the positive attention and praise you’ve received was genuine, but you didn’t register it as such, because you believed you were hard to love… so you didn’t believe them.

    Love bombing is usually used by narcissistic people as a way to hook you in, to “catch” you. Once they succeed, they become very different, they start controlling you, putting you down, manipulating you etc. Have you had such an experience before – of someone first playing super loving and nice, and then turning against you?

    No actually not turning against me but like fake youj know?… I don’t like those kinds of people who just do something for me just because they want something from me. That’s not love. That’s simply like a business transaction. For example when I decide to help someone I don’t think I should only help this person if someday he/she can help me. In the past I had experienced with those kind of people and I’m not fond of that kind of greed even though it seems normal to everybody else.

    Okay, this sounds like the way you reacted to your father: you actually wanted to tell him what he deserved, but you were afraid to do so… and so you remained silent but were boiling inside, right? Nowadays I guess when people remind you of your father, that same anger wants to come out, but you suppress it (rightfully so, because it would be inappropriate to express it to their face).

    However, I think that’s why it would be so important to process the anger you feel at your father, because once you do, you’ll be much less reactive with other people, specially in professional settings, where it’s important to keep your cool.

    Yes I’m keeping my cool but like you said sometimes I’m just boiling inside

    Another consequence will be that you won’t be so afraid of speaking up when you disagree with someone, because you’ll be able to do it calmly, in a civil manner. Or without sarcasm (because sometimes when you’re upset, you use sarcasm, which is a form of passive aggression).

    I’d really like that Yes!

    Hm, I think it’s writing it down… I write it down when I am angry and upset. It’s a form of processing, because while writing, I usually get some insights about why I am angry, or sad, and how I can help myself. So journaling helps me.

    Ah right it’s been a while since I did journaling, I should start this good habit. But for this setting I should just write down what I feel and how can I make it better?

    You can do it either on your own, or in therapy. If you want to do it on your own, you can write it down, journal about it. Recall an incident from your childhood or youth which was really upsetting, and write down everything you feel about it. Write down why you are angry and how your father hurt you. You can also punch a punching bag or a pillow – that helps to express anger and release it from the system.

    Remember, you’re not a bad person, or a bad son, for feeling angry about the way you were treated. It’s a justified anger and you have the right to feel it.

     

    Okay that seems like a good solution.

     

    Because we all have gifts and talents, we are born with them, it’s like jewels we are adorned with   We are all special and unique in our own way. That’s why we’re worthy simply be existing…

    This is something I need to learn to accept.

    Yes, quite possible, because if we don’t feel worthy, we typically want to achieve something big to prove our worth. Some people even do achieve great things, but they play it down, telling themselves it’s not a big deal, that they simply got lucky and don’t really deserve the praise (that’s the impostor syndrome).

    You too mentioned you suffer from the impostor syndrome. And it’s possible, because you downplay your achievements and are pushing yourself to achieve more and faster. And that’s probably because deep inside, you don’t feel worthy and you seek validation.

    So actually when you say your subconscious wants it – I think it’s actually your inner child who is seeking praise and validation from your parents…

    Oh right you explained it very well. So I just need to make myself feel worthy again?

     

    You are very welcome! I’ll repeat it: you are doing a lot, and have achieved a lot. It’s your feeling unworthy that is telling you differently!

    Right!

     

    #417655
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yeah, that’s your avoidant attachment style. You keep a distance, you put on a guard, you don’t allow yourself to get too close… In this situation now it might be useful, since the girl still has feelings for her ex. And it doesn’t leave you too affected emotionally, in fact you feel a sense of relief…</p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Well I think I did put my guard down, and I did felt a little close to her. But not like what we could say heavily attached? But yeah I do feel sense of relief.</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>

    <p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I guess she is disappointed a little that you are so “calm and composed” about not having her in your life. That you don’t love her and miss her more. That’s what the sigh means, I guess…</p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I guess you’re right. She wants extreme kind of love but now that I’m much aware I’m taking things slowly </p>

    <p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yeah, you stopped her from expressing her love, I guess because you didn’t want to express it to her either? You were afraid of deep emotions. And also, perhaps the belief that “I am hard to love” was still present in you a little, so how could she possibly say that she loves you – it must be the breeze and the stars…?</p>
    <p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; orphans: 2; widows: 2; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; text-decoration-thickness: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-color: initial; word-spacing: 0px; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>It could be that she agreed to give her ex another chance because she is missing more “attachment” from you, more eagerness to be with her? I am not saying it is your fault that she is conflicted, but it could be that she feels she’s not important enough to you, and this contributed to her conflict? Has she ever complained about your emotional “coolness”/reservedness till now?</p>

    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I mean like we discussed I was already anxious and afraid of taking things so fast. </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I guess that’s why I stopped her from expressing her love, and I don’t know I’m just believe in slow love more? Like aging wine. It gets better, In No rush.</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>If she’d met me few month ago, she’d get exactly what she wants. More attachments and eagerness haha </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>And No She never complained about my emotional “coolness”/reservedness only praised it many times.</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>But like I told you before she’s like a high school girl she just feels “a lot” so it’s obvious that she wants someone like that? </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>So I talked to her this evening. She and her ex had a meeting and apparently, He wants her back and she said he’s not like before (Which I doubt it somewhat) she’s still feeling conflicted, but she said she don’t want to cut ties with me…So she didn’t gave him any answer and told him to wait…</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>So I told her take her time, I’ll support her decision.</p>

    #417656
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Don’t know what happened with markdown

     
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yeah, that’s your avoidant attachment style. You keep a distance, you put on a guard, you don’t allow yourself to get too close… In this situation now it might be useful, since the girl still has feelings for her ex. And it doesn’t leave you too affected emotionally, in fact you feel a sense of relief…</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Well I think I did put my guard down, and I did felt close to her. But not like what we could say heavily attached? But yeah I do feel sense of relief </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
    <p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I guess she is disappointed a little that you are so “calm and composed” about not having her in your life. That you don’t love her and miss her more. That’s what the sigh means, I guess…</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I guess you’re right. She wants extreme kind of love but now that I’m much aware I’m taking things slowly </p>
    <p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>Yeah, you stopped her from expressing her love, I guess because you didn’t want to express it to her either? You were afraid of deep emotions. And also, perhaps the belief that “I am hard to love” was still present in you a little, so how could she possibly say that she loves you – it must be the breeze and the stars…?</p>
    <p style=”background: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; orphans: 2; widows: 2; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; text-decoration-thickness: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-color: initial; word-spacing: 0px; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>It could be that she agreed to give her ex another chance because she is missing more “attachment” from you, more eagerness to be with her? I am not saying it is your fault that she is conflicted, but it could be that she feels she’s not important enough to you, and this contributed to her conflict? Has she ever complained about your emotional “coolness”/reservedness till now?</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I mean like we discussed I was already anxious and afraid of taking things so fast. </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>I guess that’s why I stopped her from expressing her love, and I don’t know I’m just believe in slow love more? Like aging wine. It gets better, In No rush.</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>If she’d met me few month ago, she’d get exactly what she wants. More attachments and eagerness haha </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>And No She never complained about my emotional “coolness”/reservedness only praised it many times.</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>But like I told you before she’s like a high school girl she just feels “a lot” so it’s obvious that she wants someone like that? </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”> </p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>So I talked to her this evening. She and her ex had a meeting and apparently, He wants her back and she said he’s not like before (Which I doubt it somewhat) she’s still feeling conflicted but she said she don’t want to cut ties with me…So she didn’t gave him any answer and told him to wait…</p>
    <p style=”background: white; margin: 0cm 0cm 7.5pt 0cm;”>So I told her take her time, I’ll support her decision.</p>

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