Hi SereneWolf,

good to hear from you again!

Well in-person we met like total 5 times only. And yeah so for me telling someone I love them comes with lot of responsibilities (Which I’m always trying to run away from) Because then there are just lot of rules as a lover you know. And after admitting I prefer to follow those rules no matter what.

I see… meeting 5 times in total isn’t too much. And I understand you don’t want to rush things. Specially because you’re still working on yourself and trying to heal. You’re taking it slowly, and I actually think it’s good.

Yeah so about this, I’m still learning how to express myself and not always hide if I’m showing that I’m not calm with that thing yet even though I am, That would be lying, Don’t you think so? And Yeah I accept it’s just my non-attachment towards her talking

Yes, if you’d pretend to be upset when you’re not – that would be dishonest and lying. Better be true to yourself – even if your truth at this point is to be more reserved than she would prefer to.

I’d like to correct something I said last time, and it’s this:

However, it doesn’t mean that she likes when you are being cool and not eager towards her. Because those are two different things – how you behave with others and how you behave with her.

Actually I was thinking about it, and those are not two different things. Because it’s still you in both of those situations, and you have fear of expressing emotions, both anger and resentment, as well as love and attachment. (You’re working on it, so don’t worry, you’ll get there). But anyway, we can’t suppress negative emotions selectively without suppressing positive emotions as well. So if you suppress anger, you cannot express love freely either. That’s how we operate.

Right now, your “calm and composed” stance in social situations is more due to the suppression of anger and self-control, right? Likewise, your slightly distant and detached stance with your girlfriend is a part of the same pattern. It’s not really your true self, but a defense mechanism. But it’s the same pattern: suppressing emotions, keeping a distance, which you exhibit both in social situations and in intimate relationships.

So I was wrong when I said those are two different things. They are not – it’s the same defense mechanism working in you. But as I said, don’t worry about it, you’re working on it.

I was speechless after hearing this! I couldn’t even say anything for a minute. I was thinking like what should I even say to this.

Yes, that was a powerful and very honest confession of hers! She is very self-observant and she realized she had expectations on you, even though you told her you want to go slowly. You told her your own limitations, but she still expected you’d break free from those limitations – just for her. She hoped she would be the one to finally “melt your heart”, so to speak. Well, that’s a very good self-reflection and I like her for being so honest. But I also like your response, it was really great:

But I said “I’m sorry you feel that way but I’m still working on myself, healing myself if I take things faster I worry that I might hurt your feelings and my first priority is that not giving you discomfort or hurt you just because of me.”

Amazing, mature response! You re-stated your current limitations and boundaries, and you stood by them. But you were also kind and caring towards her, telling her you don’t want to hurt her by those limitations/boundaries. And so you are letting her decide how to proceed. Well done, SereneWolf!

She went on trip with her sister so when she’ll be back she’ll think about this matter.

Good! I like that you can talk to each other so honestly. That’s a good sign. I hope it’s not the end of your relationship, but even if it is, you handled this very well. Very maturely. Kudos to you! 🙂