Dear Danny

I agree it is good to have a foundation or framework to give your life meaning & guidance. Aspirations are there to help & guide you , not a big stick with which to punish yourself or others.

I also think that Helcat is on the right track with your inner critic running the show.

I have struggled with things that are phrased in the negative like commandments. That shalt not kill so I prefer the offerings of Thich Nat Han. May I keep sentient beings safe, May I be mild of thought speech & manner, May I have integrity in all my relationships, May I keep my judgement clear. Also the phrase May I is gentle and allows for contemplation to think deeply about how that works in real life.

Taking inspiration of the Muslim idea of stopping and praying throughout the day I try to remember to review my actions of the previous few hours and if & when try to rectify where I have been a bit clumsy with myself or others. A slower, gentler, quieter life helps keep me on track with my ideals.

I hope that you continue on the journey of bringing your inner & outer life into align with each other.

Dear Danny:

Quotes from the book  Chimp Paradox: “The Psychological Mind is made up of three separate brains: Human, Chimp and Computer. You are the Human. Your Chimp is an emotional thinking machine. Your Computer is a storage area and automatic functioning machine”,

“Managing your impulsive, emotional Chimp as an adult will be one of the biggest factors determining how successful you are in life”,

“The Chimp does not necessarily work with facts. but it works with what it believes is the truth or with a perception of the truth or, even worse, with a projection of what might be the truth. It is quick to form an impression on little, if any, evidence and usually won’t give way. Of course, some impressions that the Chimp gives us are accurate and helpful, but they can just as easily be wrong. Searching for some accuracy and truth would help us to reach a sensible conclusion”,

“A golden rule for understanding people and situations is to ALWAYS try to establish THE FACTS before you make your assessment”.

Now, to your original post, Danny (I will be adding the boldface feature to some of your words):

“One of my values I have is that: I do my best at all times… I came home today from work and I had an hour to myself. I could have logged on and sent work emails that could be sent, but I didn’t. I read a book. So here, I feel I am not doing my best. I am more doing what I want. Inner critic rises up!”-

– You prefaced “I am not doing my best” with “I feel“- that’s Your Chimp being “an emotional thinking machine”– it interprets X=Y because it feels that X=Y. It felt that day that your best would’ve been to send work emails. But what if your best was to read the book you read? What if that was the right thing for you to do that day, after work, and the wrong thing to do, was to send work emails..?

The Chimp, when it is in charge, leads us to lots of distress based on- not evidence and logic- but its impressions and perceptions that are often incorrect. I don’t think that you were guilty for having read a book.

The Chimp often makes us feel invalid, false guilt: we feel guilty when we are not guilty.

“Another value I try to live by is: I am honest in my dealings Again, while that is correct 90% of the time, I did tell a few white little lies today for self preservation and telling customers their order would be with them next week when I know it will be the week after. Again, que the inner critic”-

– You prefaced lies with white little– The Chimp, when it is in charge, often harasses us with invalid, false guilt, like in your first example. The response of the one harassed: defending against all accusations of guilt, including against valid, true guilt by minimizing or denying it.

* By self preservation, do you mean that customers threatened to hit you if their orders were late, or a supervisor instructed you to lie to customers and you were afraid to defy instructions and lose your job?

“Another value I aim to live by is: I do what’s right Again, this is closely related to the value above and whilst I do live a good moral life, lying to that customer earlier, eating that chocolate cake at lunch, whilst aiming to lose a few pounds is not the right thing to do. Again, the inner critic comes at me… I am extremely tough on myself“-

– Here is the problem: the inner critic comes at you, being aggressive, being extremely tough on you.

“Has anyone any general advice on this topic? All input welcomed and appreciated“-Your aggressive inner critic is your aggressively-critical Inner parent. Replace your aggressive inner critic with a gentle, kind and yet firm inner critic.

When a child has an aggressive, accusatory parent who is extremely tough on the child (a Chimp Parent, my term), the child tries very hard to do what’s right so to avoid the Chimp Parent’s aggression, feeling a lot of invalid, false guilt, and the child hates feeling guilty so much/ afraid of the Chimp Parent’s aggression, that he minimizes and denies valid, true guilt.

Replace your Chimp Inner Parent (Chip, for short) with a Human Inner Parent (Hip, for short), a Hip who applies logic, looks for objective evidence and the bigger picture, considers feelings but is not ruled by them, and is kind, yet firm.

You mentioned chocolate cake: “eating that chocolate cake at lunch, whilst aiming to lose a few pounds is not the right thing to do“- a Chip would harass you over it, putting you down, accusing you… telling you that you shouldn’t have had any cake and should never have cake again…  making you feel oh so bad that you’d crave more chocolate cake so to feel better.

A Hip would react differently, he’d tell you something like: I can see how much you enjoy chocolate cake, and I want you to enjoy it. I want you to feel good. I also know that you want to lose a few pounds, so I’ll tell you what: have a thin slice of cake twice a week. Which two days of the week would you choose?

anita