Dear Paradoxy,

I am sorry that you are suffering so much – being objectively hurt and abused by B’s behavior, but still trying to find excuses to continue the relationship:

I AM THE ONE WHO IS STILL IN LOVE WITH HER DESPITE EVERYTHING THAT SHE HAS DONE. I AM HERE RANTING ALL THIS BECAUSE I AM SEARCHING FOR AN EXCUSE, A LOGICAL REASON MY MIND CAN ACCEPT, TO FORGIVE HER AND TAKE HER BACK.

The reasons for B’s promiscuous behavior could be many, and we can talk about it more, but what is for sure that it is absolutely NOT your fault that she went and prostituted herself after the breakup. She tried to put the blame on you:

B also told me that she was heart broken and in pain cause of the break up, saying she felt abandoned by me, which was why she was willing to go along with her aunt.

Okay, so you asked her – not too tactfully – if she was a gold digger, because you heard stories from your parents, who were in general skeptical about women. It’s normal to be offended, but it’s not normal to seek “soothing” in sleeping with a stranger for money.

Her reaction to you offending her (and then breaking up with her) is WAY TOO BIG, it is disproportionate. It’s like someone saying they had to cut their wrists because their boyfriend offended them. It shows that the person has severe mental health issues. So it is very unfair to blame you for this shocking act that she did.

Besides, by the time you asked her the gold-digger question, you had already noticed her suspicious behavior with men. So let’s look at that again for a second.

After your first sexual encounter (around Halloween 2022) and you feeling super in love with her, she admitted she has feelings for her ex:

We continued talking and going to classes together for the next few days until Friday, when she told me that she had feelings for another man (her ex).

You agreed to break up, but then you quickly reconciled.

Shortly after that, you found a half-naked picture in her phone with her ex:

I looked through her pictures and found one with her naked with only a towel with another man behind her removing her braids

When you confronted her about it, she said that “it was the ex that she still had feelings for, and it happened on the day after that we broke up from the decision that its better to not date at all.”

Which means that as soon as you two broke up, she went back to her ex. And not only that, but she invited him to live with her, as her housemate, because her previous housemate (who was a girl) was just leaving.

When you found out about it, you were rightfully angry, because she was hiding it from you. But she didn’t see any fault in herself. She said it wasn’t necessary for you to know.

You forgave her and rationalized it:

The ex is actually a housemate, as they are not sharing rooms but sharing the house. Besides, I have no choice but to forgive that they are living together because it is not their fault that they are college students who cannot afford to get their own place,

Sorry to say, but that’s bs, Paradoxy. I am sure there were plenty of female housemates that she could have chosen from. But no, she was “forced” to live with her ex, whom she accidentally has feelings for (and he for her). Sorry, but I am not buying this. It was wrong and unfair to you.

But I understand you got very attached to her and didn’t want to lose her. And that’s why you always found some excuse and rationalization.

Anyway, this entire scandal is what preceded your gold-digger conversation, which happened around Christmas.

When you asked her the offensive question, you were probably not only influenced by your parents suspicion towards women in general (“and they don’t trust women in general because they have seen many ruined relationships with cheating and gold diggers and etc”), but I can imagine you were also affected by the housing scandal with her ex, and the fact that she was lying to you.

In addition, she once told you that “she and her bestie back then were planning to look around the Med Faculty for the future husband”.

Having all that in mind, it wasn’t that outlandish to ask if she has ulterior motives. I mean, it wasn’t tactful, but unfortunately it wasn’t that baseless.

Anyway, as I said above, there is no way that a normal person would go prostitute herself, as a result of being offended or broken up with. No emotional hurt justifies such an act (unless the person is severely traumatized and/or has accepted prostitution as something normal). So please don’t blame yourself for it, and don’t let her guilt-trip you.

Coming back to your question:

The only proper reason for her impaired judgement at that time is that the break up hurt her enough to just be her aunt’s puppet without resistance. So with that said, should I put this into consideration and give her another chance?

As I’ve just said above, no emotional hurt can be the reason for someone to prostitute themselves, unless they are severely traumatized and/or have accepted prostitution as something normal. She can be both – she was severely traumatized in her childhood, being physically abused by her mother. And then in her teenage years, she was living with her aunt, who taught her to use men for money and privilege. The aunt might have been not physically abusive, she might have even shown her some love. And so B started to accept the worldview that using men for money is okay.

It probably didn’t help that she is a very beautiful and sexy woman, desired by many men:

This woman is actually very beautiful and very sexually attractive to many men. … She has people from modeling agencies, to popular music artists, to company ceos interested in her. … her manager wanted to sleep with her too.

I am sure her aunt told her that too, and probably encouraged her to use her attributes to find a rich husband. I can also imagine that her physical looks and sex appeal were praised by her aunt and she was told to capitalize on them. I can imagine that slowly but surely her main identity became “sexy woman”, a sex object, who is mainly loved for her sexual attributes. These are all speculations, but based on what you said, unfortunately very likely speculations.

This is how she might have been conditioned to go as far as to accept money for sex. I mean, having been brought up in such an environment, receiving such messages, it probably wasn’t unimaginable for her. But the biggest problem I think – if my assumptions are correct – is seeing herself as sex object, basing her identity on her sexual attributes.

That’s probably why she is posting those bikini pictures on social media, even though you explicitly asked her not to. She cannot not do it, because this drive is stronger.

Anyway, in my opinion, she would need therapy. Individual therapy, not couple’s therapy. Because she has her own wounds to heal, and it’s not something you can do for her.

So far you have been trying to help her, to “lead her to the right path”. But that’s not how healing works, Paradoxy. She is the only one who can help herself. She can only heal through therapy, by connecting to her true self. Her non sex-based self.

You did everything in your power, and it hasn’t worked. Because it cannot work. She needs to go within and heal those wounded parts. No one can do that for her.

And you need to help yourself, separately from her. You need to stay away from her (specially from a romantic/sexual relationship with her) and start your own healing. You are a good man, a very loving and caring man, but as you yourself said, you have your own emotional wounds. You tried to heal by helping her. But that’s not possible. You can only heal by helping yourself, by healing your own emotional wounds.

I hope you can see that…