Home→Forums→Relationships→Ex back in the picture after 3 years
- This topic has 9 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 5 months, 1 week ago by
anita.
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March 31, 2024 at 12:14 pm #430356
Jessy
ParticipantHi all,
i broke up with my ex boyfriend 3 years ago- he is my only relationship so far. We met in college now both of us have established careers. When we met he was the shy kind of guy that lacked initiative or attention to details but he have a heart of gold and always transparent. Me on the other side i was the “alpha” of this relationship which became unattractive at the end of it, made my fair share of mistakes and broke up eventually with him. He moved away from our hometown 3 years ago to a different country and we haven’t been in touch for almost 2 years, not a single word. I haven’t dated anyone since I broke up with him- I needed time to heal to work on my issues and to be honest given the nature of my work i dont go out much so chances of me dating were also very slim. Beginning 2024 he reached out out of the blue to wish me a happy birthday and then started checking in on me every now and then. At first i was excited and felt happy cause its my comfort zone that i have known for years and its nice to have someone care for you. However at one of the early conversations and out of nowhere he texts me a sexual text and i remain silent and confused. Then he apologises and we continue chatting once a month normally (a light hearted conversation) but then my excitement started fading abit cause im not sure why after all these years he is texting and if he even changed. Started talking to friends and family about it and majority if them said this is how toxic relationships work.
im confused, should i give him a chance or just go figure my life out?
p.s looking back at the dynamic we had 3 years ago we were 2 different personalities- im more generous than him, he is more romantic (words and feelings) than me, im more outgoing and risk taker he is not, i pay attention to details and come with new initiatives he just mirrors. So not sure how can i test a new dynamic if he ever visits this country again and just make sure we both truly changedMarch 31, 2024 at 2:02 pm #430397anita
ParticipantDear Jessy:
“I broke up with my ex boyfriend 3 years ago- he is my only relationship so far… When we met, he was… always transparent… for almost 2 years, not a single word…. Beginning 2024 he reached out, out of the blue… I’m not sure why after all these years he is texting... I’m confused, should I give him a chance or just go figure my life out?”-
– you can ask him about the part I boldfaced above: why after 2 years, did you text me? According to how he answers, you can find out if he is still transparent. This can clarify some of your confusion, so that you can make a good choice for yourself, based on clarity.
What do you think?
anita
March 31, 2024 at 2:22 pm #430398Roberta
ParticipantDear Jessy
Well he took the initiative by contacting you after two years and then took a risk in sending you a suggestive text.
April 1, 2024 at 10:43 am #430427Jessy
ParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you for the quick response.
i have actually thought about asking him directly as you suggested but then realized i dont want to do it over text cause people could make somethings up vs facing him in a 1-1 conversation when he visits the country this summer. Do you believe people change? or do you agree that this is just how toxic relationships work?
i truly dont want to hurt him so im not communicating with him cause im confused and i dont want to lead him into something thats not clear/uncertain. but do you think i should communicate a bit to test the waters or thats not necessary?thank you
April 1, 2024 at 10:46 am #430428Jessy
ParticipantDear Roberta,
Thats true but someone can send a text because they have taken a deep look at their lives, themselves,etc and figured out what they really want in life and someone else could send the same text just because they couldnt find anyone to date them again and so its out of despiration or just familiarity. Not sure how to test this/get clarity on this. Personally speaking, i didnt find anyone to date over the past 3 years but i never texted him cause i know he is familiar and sparking anything means im just going back to whats known and out of despiration.could be just a different approach to life, im not sure
April 1, 2024 at 11:39 am #430440anita
ParticipantDear Jessy:
You are welcome!
“Do you believe people change? or do you agree that this is just how toxic relationships work?“-
– let’s see.. you met him in college, he was “the shy kind of guy that lacked initiative or attention to details but he have a heart of gold and always transparent“. Three years ago, he moved away from his (and your) hometown to a different country, while you stayed in your hometown and country, not dating anyone, not going out much, “so chances of me dating were also very slim“.
For two years, while he lives in another country, you had no contact with him. At the beginning 2024, he contacted you, and at one of the early conversations, he texted you a sexual text. Your response: “silent and confused“. He then apologized, and continued chatting lightly.
“I’m not sure why after all these years he is texting and if he even changed… Do you believe people change? or do you agree that this is just how toxic relationships work?“-this is what I am guessing that happened (and I have no way of knowing for sure, of course): he was a shy boy growing up in his hometown, and proceeded to be the shy young man that you dated.
Living in a new country, away from his parents, friends, the place and people who knew him to be one way (shy, etc.), gave him the opportunity to be.. someone different. While you remained the same (no new dating experience), in the same hometown, same country, he experienced a different town or city, in a different country. Maybe it’s a city/ country that’s more liberal than where you still live. There, he dated, and/ or had sexual experiences that he didn’t have before, such that intrigued him, and made him feel bold and somewhat confident, a new experience for him. And then, one day, he wondered how it would be (sexually) with you.. so he contacted you and expressed his sexual interest in that text he sent you.
People overuse the word toxic, and I don’t see how it applies here, based on the information you provided.
As far as whether he changed: in some ways he did, he had some new sexual experiences, I am guessing (again, I don’t have any concrete evidence to this being true), he feels a new sense of freedom and possibility.
Has the change extended to him being more confident overall, is he more likely to take initiative? Maybe to an extent, and maybe temporarily. If he goes back to his hometown to live, he’d have to go through some adjustment, and his current change may be replaced by the way he used to be, or close to it.
“I’m confused, should Igive him a chance or just go figure my life out?“- ask him questions when you get the chance, not via texting, I suppose, but in another way (email? video call?). Have a conversation with him, get to know him as he is now.
anita
April 1, 2024 at 1:12 pm #430447Jessy
ParticipantThank you so much Anita, this is really helpful!
Just to be clear are you suggesting he is approaching again just for sexual curiosity now that he is more confident? ( btw he did have a sexual experience with me)
also on the questions yes im thinking about maybe opening up a conversation again on messenger to get to know his chain of thoughts, life, etc
April 1, 2024 at 1:39 pm #430448anita
ParticipantDear Jessy:
You are very welcome.
“Just to be clear are you suggesting he is approaching again just for sexual curiosity now that he is more confident? (btw he did have a sexual experience with me)“- I wouldn’t know if he has been approaching you just for sexual curiosity, but it’s part of it, obviously (the sexual text he sent you). As far as his intents otherwise, I wish I knew. The person to get this information from is.. him. Honest, effective communication with him is the answer!
* Maybe there are clues to his intents in the light conversations he’s been engaging with you lately. I wonder if he shared with you how he is spending his time, if he has friends, etc.
“also on the questions yes I’m thinking about maybe opening up a conversation again on messenger to get to know his chain of thoughts, life, etc.”– this would be excellent for the purpose of information gathering.
If you need my help with wording questions for him, when you are ready to ask him questions, let me know.
anita
April 1, 2024 at 2:28 pm #430453Jessy
ParticipantDear Anita
makes total sense and crystal clear.
yes i tried to ask him once about his life he said he made new friends he goes hiking now (which he resisted to do with me back home earlier ) he chnaged jobs, he goes to the gym every now and then, etc so i felt like he tried to some extent to exhibit change.
yes please i was about to ask you for your suggestions regarding best topics/questions to approach him with if possible. I might ping him end of this week as its also his birthday so it might be a good conversation opener.
April 1, 2024 at 4:37 pm #430455anita
ParticipantDear Jessy:
I like crystal clear.
“I might ping him end of this week as its also his birthday so it might be a good conversation opener.“- I would wish him a happy birthday in just the same way you worded it when you were together, minus words reserved to an ongoing romantic relationship. He contacted you at the beginning of this year, after 2 years of no-contact, because (I am guessing) he missed you as he remembers you, so give him what he remembers: the same wording, same sentiment, be as friendly as you were before (minus the romantic).
For a conversation regarding the changes in his lifestyle and personality in the last 2-3 years, you can start with something that would be easier for him to answer (as opposed to asking him about new experience dating, and such):
“he goes hiking now (which he resisted to do with me back home earlier )“- you can ask him (unless you already did), what made him like hiking in the new country, which he disliked doing in the home country.
To encourage him to talk more, be friendly, come across curious and interested in hearing more from him, as a friend. If he initiates romantic+ talk, don’t go silent, as before. Instead, ask him more personal questions: not in an interrogative, negative tone or wording, but in a friendly (not romantic) way.
You have to gather information first, to get to know him anew, before you decide which way you want to go with him. That’s why a friendly, inviting attitude is needed. You can tell him- sometime after talking- how exciting it is for you to get to know him again.
If you started talking with him in a romantic way, it’s likely to be awkward for him to talk about his dating experience in the last few years, but if you establish a friendly, curious attitude, he is more likely to tell you things he wouldn’t otherwise.
anita
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