Hey Tee,

Well, it’s staying stable, that is, not getting worse again, which is good enough for me. It would be better if I could heal completely, but it doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen, since it has been more than a year now. So this is the next best: low-grade, manageable pain, which I can live with.

Perhaps some day I’ll manage to “hack” it and heal completely, but I am not hung up on it, because it feels like something I cannot control (beyond a certain point). So it’s better to put my energy into something that I actually can control and where I can make a change…

 

I always admire the way you’re able to find something positive no matter the situation. And how far along you came battling with your health anxiety. It’s not easy I know but nonetheless you’re doing well.
and since you mentioned the “Hack” have you ever tried Ayurvedic medicine or therapy? Sometimes it works wonders

It seems there is still an emptiness in your heart (“empty feeling in my chest“), which I think indicates that your inner child still hasn’t received what he needs: love and appreciation. He still hasn’t been told: “you are doing so great! I am proud of you!”

There is a way to work with our inner child, by visualizing an event from the past and then making an “intervention”, where our adult self stands to defend our child self. And this make our inner child feel differently about themselves and it basically heals the root problem.

There is a beautiful demonstration of that kind of work in a youtube video by a coach Christine Hassler, called “I Have Awareness But Things Still Aren’t Changing”. The client is a woman, but her story is very similar to yours: a criticizing step-father, which made her to be very judgmental of herself, and she also lacks trust in men, i.e. relationships.

The visualization exercise with the inner child starts about minute 14, if you don’t feel like watching the entire video. So this is how you can actually heal your inner child, beyond just intellectual understanding. Let me know what you think…

I think you’re on point about the inner child need. It’s so funny but let me tell you anyways just the other night I had this need to someone to like baby me. Like I wanted to be taken care of so badly. I was like why I care too much? Can’t I have that?

Thanks for sharing the video link I’ll watch and share my thoughts with you.

Okay, that’s nice that you could simply talk to her with more emphasis on listening, and less on judging or trying to fix her. And while listening, you also had discernment – you noticed some of the behaviors you don’t like and that are potential deal-breakers for you, such as smoking.

That’s cool! I mean, you can have things that are non-negotiable, that are simply not aligned with what you are appreciating in a person, and it’s okay to respect that.

I’m kinda enjoying talking with her though. Like sometimes I’m literally waiting for her texts. I don’t like this feeling. I don’t want to get attached to her. She’s alright but just no. and I’m not sure if I’m just doing that out of loneliness. Because I don’t think I’m feeling lonely or is it entirely something else

So you are thinking about going on dates because you know you’ll be moving soon enough? 🙂 But yeah, do go on dates, it’s a good practice, even a self-observation practice, to see how you react in certain situations. And to sort of dip your toe into the water and do dating without pressure – either on yourself or the other person.

Yeah I’ll try that. Also like I said the feeling of time passing too fast, It goes away when we try to do something new or like feel something new or different

Oh that’s horrible! Nurses and doctors should know better about the professional (and human) ethics. That was really unprofessional. Maybe you could write a complaint to the kindergarten or the hospital? Because this type of practice should not be allowed. What did your sister say? Was she also disturbed by it?

I know right!? They see it as light joke. That’s the problem. And no my sister wasn’t disturbed because they all think they’re just kids.

Yeah, I guess it’s better that you stayed calm in that moment. However you might want to do something about it, since your anger was justified. So perhaps you can save some future kids from a similar humiliating treatment?

You already know how much of my anger is just buried. But yeah next time I’ll try to do that

Maybe that’s the consequence of the same false core belief: “I’ll never be good enough”. Which can be a great killer of joy, because why would you strive for anything if nothing can really make you happy and fulfilled. Perhaps the key word here is fulfillment. Maybe there is a “hole” in your heart, that needs to be filled (with love and appreciation for your inner child). Which will make you fulfilled.

I suggest you watch that video and see if you resonate with the approach there…

Hmm I see, and when you say Love and appreciation. What do you mean by that? Romantic love now? Can you elaborate?