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Feels like Time is passing too fast

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  • #431916
    Tee
    Participant

    Hey SereneWolf,

    Yaay! I hope it’s still getting better?

    Well, it’s staying stable, that is, not getting worse again, which is good enough for me. It would be better if I could heal completely, but it doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen, since it has been more than a year now. So this is the next best: low-grade, manageable pain, which I can live with.

    Perhaps some day I’ll manage to “hack” it and heal completely, but I am not hung up on it, because it feels like something I cannot control (beyond a certain point). So it’s better to put my energy into something that I actually can control and where I can make a change…

    Yes Exactly, and I’m good at making various processes much more efficient so now more time on my hands and things get easy for them as well

    Great! It’s a win-win then, and you’re utilizing your skills and talents. Fantastic! 🙂

    Yes and even after all this I know that I’ve been through a lot I managed lot obstacles in the past and I’ve been very resilient. Yet still kinda this empty feeling in my chest of not good enough or whatever it is

    You sure, in the long run this wound heals? Or it doesn’t? And what would be the most effective thing for this? Because this generational trauma is starting to take toll on me.

    It seems there is still an emptiness in your heart (“empty feeling in my chest“), which I think indicates that your inner child still hasn’t received what he needs: love and appreciation. He still hasn’t been told: “you are doing so great! I am proud of you!”

    There is a way to work with our inner child, by visualizing an event from the past and then making an “intervention”, where our adult self stands to defend our child self. And this make our inner child feel differently about themselves and it basically heals the root problem.

    There is a beautiful demonstration of that kind of work in a youtube video by a coach Christine Hassler, called “I Have Awareness But Things Still Aren’t Changing”. The client is a woman, but her story is very similar to yours: a criticizing step-father, which made her to be very judgmental of herself, and she also lacks trust in men, i.e. relationships.

    The visualization exercise with the inner child starts about minute 14, if you don’t feel like watching the entire video. So this is how you can actually heal your inner child, beyond just intellectual understanding. Let me know what you think…

    Yup no urge to fix. I wasn’t even suggesting her what to do. But yeah, she’s definitely not someone that I’d like for a relationship. And She smokes so I’d think twice to even procced anything casual with her.

    Okay, that’s nice that you could simply talk to her with more emphasis on listening, and less on judging or trying to fix her. And while listening, you also had discernment – you noticed some of the behaviors you don’t like and that are potential deal-breakers for you, such as smoking.

    That’s cool! I mean, you can have things that are non-negotiable, that are simply not aligned with what you are appreciating in a person, and it’s okay to respect that.

    But I am thinking about going on dates though. It’s been like more than a month that I’m at my hometown. So it’s time to move, I’ll move to another city with better weather in May.

    So you are thinking about going on dates because you know you’ll be moving soon enough? 🙂 But yeah, do go on dates, it’s a good practice, even a self-observation practice, to see how you react in certain situations. And to sort of dip your toe into the water and do dating without pressure – either on yourself or the other person.

    There was a nurse, She was comparing. They have to measure weight and height of the kids and note those things down. And two brothers was really overweight that the weight scale wasn’t enough for them so she made fun of them and all the kids were laughing at them.

    Oh that’s horrible! Nurses and doctors should know better about the professional (and human) ethics. That was really unprofessional. Maybe you could write a complaint to the kindergarten or the hospital? Because this type of practice should not be allowed. What did your sister say? Was she also disturbed by it?

    I got so much angry but I didn’t want to disrespect a woman inside a hospital there so I controlled myself and stayed calm.

    Yeah, I guess it’s better that you stayed calm in that moment. However you might want to do something about it, since your anger was justified. So perhaps you can save some future kids from a similar humiliating treatment?

    I guess yeah maybe that’s what happened, I need to feel excitement for life again, Because there are just so many fascinating things out there

    It’s been really hard for me get impressed with something or it’s my dopamine levels?

    Maybe that’s the consequence of the same false core belief: “I’ll never be good enough”. Which can be a great killer of joy, because why would you strive for anything if nothing can really make you happy and fulfilled. Perhaps the key word here is fulfillment. Maybe there is a “hole” in your heart, that needs to be filled (with love and appreciation for your inner child). Which will make you fulfilled.

    I suggest you watch that video and see if you resonate with the approach there…

     

    #432099
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hey Tee,

    Well, it’s staying stable, that is, not getting worse again, which is good enough for me. It would be better if I could heal completely, but it doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen, since it has been more than a year now. So this is the next best: low-grade, manageable pain, which I can live with.

    Perhaps some day I’ll manage to “hack” it and heal completely, but I am not hung up on it, because it feels like something I cannot control (beyond a certain point). So it’s better to put my energy into something that I actually can control and where I can make a change…

     

    I always admire the way you’re able to find something positive no matter the situation. And how far along you came battling with your health anxiety. It’s not easy I know but nonetheless you’re doing well.
    and since you mentioned the “Hack” have you ever tried Ayurvedic medicine or therapy? Sometimes it works wonders

     

    It seems there is still an emptiness in your heart (“empty feeling in my chest“), which I think indicates that your inner child still hasn’t received what he needs: love and appreciation. He still hasn’t been told: “you are doing so great! I am proud of you!”

    There is a way to work with our inner child, by visualizing an event from the past and then making an “intervention”, where our adult self stands to defend our child self. And this make our inner child feel differently about themselves and it basically heals the root problem.

    There is a beautiful demonstration of that kind of work in a youtube video by a coach Christine Hassler, called “I Have Awareness But Things Still Aren’t Changing”. The client is a woman, but her story is very similar to yours: a criticizing step-father, which made her to be very judgmental of herself, and she also lacks trust in men, i.e. relationships.

    The visualization exercise with the inner child starts about minute 14, if you don’t feel like watching the entire video. So this is how you can actually heal your inner child, beyond just intellectual understanding. Let me know what you think…

     

    I think you’re on point about the inner child need. It’s so funny but let me tell you anyways just the other night I had this need to someone to like baby me. Like I wanted to be taken care of so badly. I was like why I care too much? Can’t I have that?

     

    Thanks for sharing the video link I’ll watch and share my thoughts with you.

     

    Okay, that’s nice that you could simply talk to her with more emphasis on listening, and less on judging or trying to fix her. And while listening, you also had discernment – you noticed some of the behaviors you don’t like and that are potential deal-breakers for you, such as smoking.

    That’s cool! I mean, you can have things that are non-negotiable, that are simply not aligned with what you are appreciating in a person, and it’s okay to respect that.

     

    I’m kinda enjoying talking with her though. Like sometimes I’m literally waiting for her texts. I don’t like this feeling. I don’t want to get attached to her. She’s alright but just no. and I’m not sure if I’m just doing that out of loneliness. Because I don’t think I’m feeling lonely or is it entirely something else

     

    So you are thinking about going on dates because you know you’ll be moving soon enough? 🙂 But yeah, do go on dates, it’s a good practice, even a self-observation practice, to see how you react in certain situations. And to sort of dip your toe into the water and do dating without pressure – either on yourself or the other person.

    Yeah I’ll try that. Also like I said the feeling of time passing too fast, It goes away when we try to do something new or like feel something new or different

     

    Oh that’s horrible! Nurses and doctors should know better about the professional (and human) ethics. That was really unprofessional. Maybe you could write a complaint to the kindergarten or the hospital? Because this type of practice should not be allowed. What did your sister say? Was she also disturbed by it?

    I know right!? They see it as light joke. That’s the problem. And no my sister wasn’t disturbed because they all think they’re just kids.

     

    Yeah, I guess it’s better that you stayed calm in that moment. However you might want to do something about it, since your anger was justified. So perhaps you can save some future kids from a similar humiliating treatment?

    You already know how much of my anger is just buried. But yeah next time I’ll try to do that

     

    Maybe that’s the consequence of the same false core belief: “I’ll never be good enough”. Which can be a great killer of joy, because why would you strive for anything if nothing can really make you happy and fulfilled. Perhaps the key word here is fulfillment. Maybe there is a “hole” in your heart, that needs to be filled (with love and appreciation for your inner child). Which will make you fulfilled.

    I suggest you watch that video and see if you resonate with the approach there…

    Hmm I see, and when you say Love and appreciation. What do you mean by that? Romantic love now? Can you elaborate?

     

    #432183
    Tee
    Participant

    Hey SereneWolf,

    I always admire the way you’re able to find something positive no matter the situation. And how far along you came battling with your health anxiety. It’s not easy I know but nonetheless you’re doing well.

    Thanks, I am trying my best. In the past year or so I’ve started becoming aware of the layers of fear that I grew up with, out of which health anxiety is just one manifestation. So I am looking at fear, feeling it in my body, and trying to separate myself from it (so that it doesn’t take me over me completely). It’s not easy, but I’ve made some progress…. and there is still a lot of work in front of me.

    and since you mentioned the “Hack” have you ever tried Ayurvedic medicine or therapy? Sometimes it works wonders

    No, I haven’t. Not sure it would work for spine problems though?

    I think you’re on point about the inner child need. It’s so funny but let me tell you anyways just the other night I had this need to someone to like baby me. Like I wanted to be taken care of so badly. I was like why I care too much? Can’t I have that?

    I think it’s actually normal – that longing to be cared for, caressed, and just be loved for who you are, without any expectations on you. Because we as babies shouldn’t do anything to deserve love – we should just be ourselves, and our parents should shower us with love, care, nurturance, enjoying spending times with us, cooing to us, caressing us, playing with us, playing peekaboo and all the other fun stuff.

    We all need parents who are completely into us, who adore us and who see us as special and amazing. That’s how our self-worth develops – not by achieving things, but just by being loved and adored as babies and toddlers.

    So perhaps you want some of that feeling of being cuddled and loved just because someone really enjoys your presence? (just like our parents should have enjoyed our presence, but with many parents it unfortunately wasn’t the case).

    Hmm I see, and when you say Love and appreciation. What do you mean by that? Romantic love now? Can you elaborate?

    Actually, by appreciation I meant what I described above: enjoying our presence, being happy to have us around, seeing us as special, appreciating having us in their life. What we should get from our parents as children. Basically giving us the message: “I am happy to have you in my life”.

    I’m kinda enjoying talking with her though. Like sometimes I’m literally waiting for her texts. I don’t like this feeling. I don’t want to get attached to her. She’s alright but just no.

    How do you feel with her? If you feel lightness (as in not being criticized by her, not needing to behave in a certain way so she wouldn’t be offended, the ability to just be yourself without needing to present yourself in a certain way), that’s a good sign.

    Also, if you can let go of the need to change her, e.g. to judge her for her smoking, or for her “being on the verge of anger”, or for any other behavior. If you would be embarrassed to introduce her to your parents, for example, that’s not a good sign. It means there is something that bothers us about the person’s behavior, and we can’t accept them as they are but would like to change them.

    and I’m not sure if I’m just doing that out of loneliness. Because I don’t think I’m feeling lonely or is it entirely something else

    Well, you did say you want someone to baby you. So I guess you do long for that intimacy and closeness (physical and emotional) with someone. So this might increase your interest in her…

    Yeah I’ll try that. Also like I said the feeling of time passing too fast, It goes away when we try to do something new or like feel something new or different

    You mean you feel like you are not wasting your time if you are dating and meeting new people? Perhaps you feel the pressure of settling down and starting a family, which is another expectation on yourself? (and it is actually coming from the outside, i.e. your own parents and family)?

    I know right!? They see it as light joke. That’s the problem. And no my sister wasn’t disturbed because they all think they’re just kids.

    Yeah, that’s unfortunate because that’s when we are the most vulnerable and impressionable – as children. Believing that it doesn’t matter because they are children is exactly the opposite of truth.

    You already know how much of my anger is just buried. But yeah next time I’ll try to do that

    I don’t know, you might want to tell your sister that children are super sensitive, so teachers, doctors, coaches and other authority figures (as well as parents, of course) should be careful not to say hurtful things and humiliate them, specially in front of their peers, because those are the kinds of wounds that stay forever…

     

    #432383
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hey Tee,
    How was your weekend?

    Thanks, I am trying my best. In the past year or so I’ve started becoming aware of the layers of fear that I grew up with, out of which health anxiety is just one manifestation. So I am looking at fear, feeling it in my body, and trying to separate myself from it (so that it doesn’t take me over me completely). It’s not easy, but I’ve made some progress…. and there is still a lot of work in front of me.

    That’s needs deep self-awareness and good amount of control so I’d say you’re doing quite well

     

    No, I haven’t. Not sure it would work for spine problems though?

    It should be. Try to find good Ayurvedic Practitioner in your area maybe?
    Usually for spines there are Remedies that could include  Ashwagandha, Shallaki and Guggulu then there’s also Panchkarma and various Yoga Asanas as per your condition.

     

    So perhaps you want some of that feeling of being cuddled and loved just because someone really enjoys your presence? (just like our parents should have enjoyed our presence, but with many parents it unfortunately wasn’t the case).

    I think yeah and I know I had these moments in my childhood but I simply can’t recall those memories now but just the low feeling stuff.

     

    Actually, by appreciation I meant what I described above: enjoying our presence, being happy to have us around, seeing us as special, appreciating having us in their life. What we should get from our parents as children. Basically giving us the message: “I am happy to have you in my life”.

    Yeah I think I needed this before and I do need it now too

     

    How do you feel with her? If you feel lightness (as in not being criticized by her, not needing to behave in a certain way so she wouldn’t be offended, the ability to just be yourself without needing to present yourself in a certain way), that’s a good sign.

    Also, if you can let go of the need to change her, e.g. to judge her for her smoking, or for her “being on the verge of anger”, or for any other behaviour. If you would be embarrassed to introduce her to your parents, for example, that’s not a good sign. It means there is something that bothers us about the person’s behaviour, and we can’t accept them as they are but would like to change them.

    Well, you did say you want someone to baby you. So I guess you do long for that intimacy and closeness (physical and emotional) with someone. So this might increase your interest in her…

     

    I don’t feel at ease with her. I just get excited like a baby. And yeah lot of her behaviour, I simply can’t accept it for longer term. I think it’s just puppy love or infatuation. I don’t know if I’m trying to feel some void just like some distraction. So I try to reply her late and then she also does the same. Heck since yesterday I don’t like to talk to one of my friends who’s got into new relationship. Because she always be talking about how good and nice he is. I know as a friend I should be supportive but yeah I’m just not in the right mindset. But one thing is that yearning for is growing and I don’t like it. The more I try to resist it the more it’s growing

     

    You mean you feel like you are not wasting your time if you are dating and meeting new people? Perhaps you feel the pressure of settling down and starting a family, which is another expectation on yourself? (and it is actually coming from the outside, i.e. your own parents and family)?

    Hmm I don’t mean by dating more like adding better and meaning activities instead of mundane same routine everyday things. Nowadays I don’t feel the pressure of settling down. and dating is something new so.. I don’t know I still want to date just for fun not like creating deep and meaningful relationship but maybe that’s what alright for now?

     

    Yeah, that’s unfortunate because that’s when we are the most vulnerable and impressionable – as children. Believing that it doesn’t matter because they are children is exactly the opposite of truth.

    Yeah exactly!

     

    I don’t know, you might want to tell your sister that children are super sensitive, so teachers, doctors, coaches and other authority figures (as well as parents, of course) should be careful not to say hurtful things and humiliate them, specially in front of their peers, because those are the kinds of wounds that stay forever…

    I don’t raise my voice lot of times when I should, and then get angry after that. But next time I’ll try to explain them

     

    And I also watched video you suggested and so it was really relatable and insightful so thanks a lot. I felt like crying after watching that.

     

    Now I know that I need to work on shifting my beliefs

    feeling I’m not good enough and being hard on myself because critical father and he me feel little and I thought he was right

    So I was emphasizing I must be not worthy

    She also asked this really good question tell me about a time when you felt powerful. I need to think about this.

    Guided Visualization also seems like a very good practice to try  but I think feeling the truth is the hard part. Because it’s been so many years.

    #432577
    Tee
    Participant

    Hey SereneWolf,

    my weekends (this one too) are usually peaceful, taking a light walk, sitting on the terrace of my favorite cafe, drinking my latte. Quite enjoyable, even if simple 🙂

    Usually for spines there are Remedies that could include Ashwagandha, Shallaki and Guggulu then there’s also Panchkarma and various Yoga Asanas as per your condition.

    Oh I’ve heard of Ashwagandha, as a remedy for anxiety. I can imagine it can actually help, if it calms down the nervous system. As for yoga, it is not recommended, since it involves a lot of bending, which is counter indicated. So no yoga for me, unfortunately…

    I think yeah and I know I had these moments in my childhood but I simply can’t recall those memories now but just the low feeling stuff.

    Do you remember any of such instances? Because I don’t, and I don’t think I had many either, since my mother was not really a fan of caressing and physical touch. And I spent almost a year as an infant at my granny’s, who was even colder than my mother… so I can imagine I didn’t get much cuddling, and in general that sense that they (my parents) are happy to have me in their life. Perhaps a little bit from my father, but I don’t really remember.

    I don’t feel at ease with her. I just get excited like a baby.

    What are you excited about? I mean, what are you getting in the interaction with her?

    And yeah lot of her behaviour, I simply can’t accept it for longer term. I think it’s just puppy love or infatuation.

    If it’s infatuation, it does mean she is meeting some need of yours, or you are hoping she could meet it… an unmet need.

    Something just occurred to me: you said she is dramatic, always on the verge of anger. Whereas you keep your anger suppressed. So perhaps that’s what you like about her? Her freedom to express anger? So perhaps this is what she has, which you would like to have too, and it is attractive?

    I don’t know if I’m trying to feel some void just like some distraction. So I try to reply her late and then she also does the same.

    Okay, you are pretending you don’t care so much, so you’re delaying your reply. But as you said, the more you try to suppress your yearning, the more it is growing.

    Heck since yesterday I don’t like to talk to one of my friends who’s got into new relationship. Because she always be talking about how good and nice he is. I know as a friend I should be supportive but yeah I’m just not in the right mindset.

    I get that – you are confused about what you’re feeling for this girl, you’re internally conflicted. And so you can’t really be happy for your friend, because you are fighting your own inner battle. Is that what’s going on?

    Hmm I don’t mean by dating more like adding better and meaning activities instead of mundane same routine everyday things. Nowadays I don’t feel the pressure of settling down. and dating is something new so.. I don’t know I still want to date just for fun not like creating deep and meaningful relationship but maybe that’s what alright for now?

    Oh I see, you mean dating brings something new and exciting. Well yes, it does, but it also brings up your fear of relationships, which is happening now again, with this girl… And that’s what makes you question whether you actually want a more serious relationship or just something superficial, to have fun. I think it is your fear speaking: the fear of intimacy is telling you to only seek superficial relationships. Because you do want a relationship, but you’re afraid of being hurt…

    And I also watched video you suggested and so it was really relatable and insightful so thanks a lot. I felt like crying after watching that.

    I am glad you liked it! You probably saw yourself in that example, and that’s what brought tears to your eyes…

    feeling I’m not good enough and being hard on myself because critical father and he me feel little and I thought he was right

    So I was emphasizing I must be not worthy

    Yes, you adopted your father’s belief that you are not good enough. Christine Hassler often uses the phrase “you bought into the belief…” Yes, we as children believe our parents’ view of us. Their critical voice becomes the voice of our inner critic. The external critic becomes internalized. And so the voice of our critical parent(s) keeps living in our head.

    She also asked this really good question tell me about a time when you felt powerful. I need to think about this.

    Yes, it’s a good question. Have you thought about it?

    Guided Visualization also seems like a very good practice to try but I think feeling the truth is the hard part. Because it’s been so many years.

    You mean you don’t feel ready to do the exercise with the inner child, which she did with her client? Or you don’t remember a particular situation, which you would want to go back to and “rewrite”?

     

    #432669
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    my weekends (this one too) are usually peaceful, taking a light walk, sitting on the terrace of my favorite cafe, drinking my latte. Quite enjoyable, even if simple 🙂

    Love that! I’m glad you had a nice weekend. Very similar to what I like in weekends. Except caffeine.

     

    Oh I’ve heard of Ashwagandha, as a remedy for anxiety. I can imagine it can actually help, if it calms down the nervous system. As for yoga, it is not recommended, since it involves a lot of bending, which is counter indicated. So no yoga for me, unfortunately…

    Ah I see. You can try and see if Ashwagandha or other Ayurvedic things that may help you

     

    Do you remember any of such instances? Because I don’t, and I don’t think I had many either, since my mother was not really a fan of caressing and physical touch. And I spent almost a year as an infant at my granny’s, who was even colder than my mother… so I can imagine I didn’t get much cuddling, and in general that sense that they (my parents) are happy to have me in their life. Perhaps a little bit from my father, but I don’t really remember.

    Ohh that’s interesting. I think I’ve read it somewhere and now it’s connecting the dots. Lack of physical affection is even worse than the emotional neglect. Because it has that feeling of safety. Like I got you, don’t worry. And we both didn’t got it. My mother used to caress my head sometimes and my grandma as well. But I’m quite sure no physical touch from my father. Only aggression.

    But because of that you think it kinda turn us into not touchy people? Except the sexual touch obviously. Like even now I feel awkward when someone tries to hug me. Yet I do get little emotional. One of my uncle is really extrovert and I have a good relationship with him and the thing is that he always hugs me. Literally like half minute hug. Not a quick one. And that guy has a germophobia. We meet rarely but whenever we do. We talk a lot.
    What about you? Because of lack of physical affection it still affects you?

    What are you excited about? I mean, what are you getting in the interaction with her?

    Hmm We talk just about similar things. She complins about work. We both are into cats so we talk about cats a lot too. Other than that just flirting here and there. But it’s been 3 days I haven’t talked to her. She texted me and asked that If I’m angry at her. I said there’s nothing like that. I’m just not in the mood and I don’t want to make you feel down because of me.

    Also I think I did well that I forced myself to not texting. Because Now I don’t have the itch to check my phone if she texted me. So I kinda feel better lol

    If it’s infatuation, it does mean she is meeting some need of yours, or you are hoping she could meet it… an unmet need.

    Something just occurred to me: you said she is dramatic, always on the verge of anger. Whereas you keep your anger suppressed. So perhaps that’s what you like about her? Her freedom to express anger? So perhaps this is what she has, which you would like to have too, and it is attractive?

    Ohh I haven’t looked from that POV. But I don’t think so, I don’t want to mimic something like that. Specially not getting angry over small things. Because it takes a lot to make me angry. I already have a calm image even for myself.

    I get that – you are confused about what you’re feeling for this girl, you’re internally conflicted. And so you can’t really be happy for your friend, because you are fighting your own inner battle. Is that what’s going on?

     

    Actually, I’m not sure. And it happened before with one of my other friends too. We used to talk a lot and share a lot of things and then She got into relationship and then they decided to move to Canada together. Now we talk rarely. And it’s not just talking but I think somewhere in between I have to learn to accept that people come and go. Some stays, some leave. but connections are there. Because another thing is I don’t know how but I always find good people around me or make good new friends again.

    And about this girl I’m sure I don’t want to move forward. But thing is that it just feel weirdly painful when I hear like “Ohh my bf made a playlist for me”. “Ohh he surprised me with flowers” It reminds me of myself when I was in relationship

     

    Oh I see, you mean dating brings something new and exciting. Well yes, it does, but it also brings up your fear of relationships, which is happening now again, with this girl… And that’s what makes you question whether you actually want a more serious relationship or just something superficial, to have fun. I think it is your fear speaking: the fear of intimacy is telling you to only seek superficial relationships. Because you do want a relationship, but you’re afraid of being hurt…

    Okay so I think we should discuss about this in depth. According my situation, Because again I just tend to think rationally instead of emotionally,

    I know I don’t want a superficial relationship. But because I don’t feel ready what if I start with something like situationship first instead of go all in serious romantic relationship and overwhelm myself?

    I’ll answer for the video related question in the other part.

    #432762
    Tee
    Participant

    Hi SereneWolf,

    Very similar to what I like in weekends. Except caffeine.

    Yeah, I am still a fan of caffeine, only “diluted”, with plenty of milk. Latte is almost like comfort food for me, so yeah, there is an attachment there, which so far I don’t want to break free from 🙂

    Lack of physical affection is even worse than the emotional neglect. Because it has that feeling of safety. Like I got you, don’t worry.

    Yes, physical affection is very important when we’re babies, because that’s the only language we understand. And if we are caressed and played with, and soothed and held when we’re upset, that means so much for our nervous system and our basic sense of safety. And also, the basic sense of feeling loved, because physical touch means affection.

    My mother didn’t like physical affection because I think it didn’t come naturally to her – because she herself felt so deprived of love and affection (due to her own childhood). So she couldn’t give what she didn’t possess… But then she rationalized it by saying that giving hugs and kisses will spoil the child, or that it’s fake, that the person giving hugs and kisses isn’t sincere and doesn’t truly love us. So she rationalized her own coldness and emotional detachment, instead of admitting that there is something missing in her…

    My mother used to caress my head sometimes and my grandma as well. But I’m quite sure no physical touch from my father. Only aggression.

    I have a photo with my father in his lap, when I was maybe 1 or 2 years old, where he is looking at me with great love and affection. But he wasn’t really a hugging type, and we didn’t have much emotional closeness later as I grew up. But he was never aggressive. He just didn’t protect me from my mother’s aggression, so that’s his major “crime” against me.

    But because of that you think it kinda turn us into not touchy people?

    Actually yes, I myself used to be rather restrained in expressing physical affection. I think one of the main reasons was that I felt empty inside, I felt like I have nothing to give. But that was before setting on my healing journey. Now I am more free, but still not super touchy-feely.

    Luckily, my husband is the touching type. He likes to give me hugs and back rubs, and I enjoy it like a baby 🙂 He definitely made up for what I was missing as a child, both in terms of physical and emotional affection. So that’s been a huge blessing in my life.

    Like even now I feel awkward when someone tries to hug me. Yet I do get little emotional. One of my uncle is really extrovert and I have a good relationship with him and the thing is that he always hugs me. Literally like half minute hug. Not a quick one. And that guy has a germophobia. We meet rarely but whenever we do. We talk a lot.

    Aw that’s wonderful! Your uncle must really like you and appreciate you a lot. I hope you can take it in and allow your heart to open up, to receive his love. Because he seems genuine in his expression of love, and you said you don’t like people who are kind in a fake way, because they usually want something from you.

    But it seems your uncle is an example of someone who genuinely cares about you, so perhaps next time he gives you a hug, try to really receive his love and open your heart? (if you haven’t already)

    Hmm We talk just about similar things. She complins about work. We both are into cats so we talk about cats a lot too. Other than that just flirting here and there.

    When she complains about work, what do you do?

    Ohh I haven’t looked from that POV. But I don’t think so, I don’t want to mimic something like that. Specially not getting angry over small things. Because it takes a lot to make me angry. I already have a calm image even for myself.

    Okay, so she is someone who gets angry over small things? And she freely expresses that anger? While you get angry only over big things? But even then, you suppress your anger and you don’t say anything to the person who is mistreating you or otherwise doing something you find unacceptable. This is what you said about the incident when your nephew and other kindergarten kids went to the doctor:

    I got so much angry but I didn’t want to disrespect a woman inside a hospital there so I controlled myself and stayed calm.

    I don’t raise my voice lot of times when I should, and then get angry after that.

    You already know how much of my anger is just buried.

    It’s okay that you didn’t make a scene there and exploded in uncontrolled anger. However, you also say you don’t raise your voice when you should, and then you get angry afterwards. Which would mean you don’t dare to stand up for yourself in the moment and set boundaries, or speak for yourself.

    Btw, is she (your new love interest) the kind of person who speaks up for herself when needed, or she only vents to you, but doesn’t dare to e.g. speak to her bosses?

    If I remember well, your previous girlfriend (the doctor) praised you for being so calm and composed. But that was likely only a persona, because your anger is deeply buried. And maybe that’s why you didn’t like her, because you didn’t allow yourself to be authentic with her (and by being authentic, I mean expressing your anger too). So perhaps you felt that she likes your persona (the part which you were comfortable showing), but not the real you?

    it happened before with one of my other friends too. We used to talk a lot and share a lot of things and then She got into relationship and then they decided to move to Canada together. Now we talk rarely. And it’s not just talking but I think somewhere in between I have to learn to accept that people come and go.

    One thing I am hearing is that good friends leave when they find a partner. You had a certain closeness with her, a certain emotional intimacy, but I guess neither of you were interested in a romantic relationship? And then you lost that closeness once she found a boyfriend and moved away, right?

    And with this recent female friend, she found a boyfriend and started talking about him enthusiastically, and you don’t like it:

    since yesterday I don’t like to talk to one of my friends who’s got into new relationship. Because she always be talking about how good and nice he is. I know as a friend I should be supportive but yeah I’m just not in the right mindset.

    Perhaps you are feeling a sense of loss of that deeper bond that you used to have – which always disappears when your female friend gets into a relationship? And also, there seems to be a longing for something you don’t have:

    it just feel weirdly painful when I hear like “Ohh my bf made a playlist for me”. “Ohh he surprised me with flowers” It reminds me of myself when I was in relationship

    Perhaps when they tell you these things, you get reminded of the good times in your own romantic relationships – good times which lasted for only a short while, and only in the beginning. But then the anger, upset and anxiety would set in (at least it was like that with your LDR, with whom you stayed for almost 3 years, if I remember well?). So there seems to be a longing for a relationship, but also fear because it never turned out well.

    Okay so I think we should discuss about this in depth. According my situation, Because again I just tend to think rationally instead of emotionally,

    I know I don’t want a superficial relationship. But because I don’t feel ready what if I start with something like situationship first instead of go all in serious romantic relationship and overwhelm myself?

    Yes, you don’t want a superficial relationship, but you are afraid of a deep relationship. Of deep attachment and vulnerability. Because that might hurt you. You have some false beliefs about a romantic relationship, e.g. expecting perfection from both yourself and your partner, expecting the relationship to be hard work etc. We talked about it previously. So because of these false beliefs and your own fear, you make relationship to appear super scary. And of course, you don’t want it.

    You want something “light”, as opposed to “hard”, which you believe a committed relationship is. But “light” can only work with someone who doesn’t want to be committed (i.e. someone with intimacy issues, like you), or someone who is hoping to change you, like your ex did. She was hoping that you would get madly in love with her and won’t be able to live without her – even though you told her you have attachment issues. But she was hoping you would change for her.

    Anyway, “light” relationship isn’t the real solution. It’s an escape from fear. And fear is lying to you that a loving, committed relationship is hard work and involves a lot of sacrifices.

    Maybe it would help if you wrote down everything you believe about a loving, committed relationship and what it involves. Perhaps it would shed some light on the various (false) assumptions you have around it?

     

    #432795
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    Como stai?

    I’ve got to tell you this! So the traumatic event that we talked about from my childhood? It was actually repeated yesterday evening but this time I was quite ready because I already decided I won’t back down and Imma fight. So we were doing the celling colouring work. And my father was like don’t do like that do it like this, and I was like ask a professional worker if you want it perfectly because I’ll do it how I know, I’m not the expert colouring worker. He snapped obviously. So he was like yeah now you’ll say find worker and blah blah, I said Hold on I never said to do it all by myself. If you want to do it by yourself you can do it. and I went working nearby balcony and he was working with my brother. So my mother came to me and she was like you know him why you wanted a fight? So I also told her,. Even about the therapy. Like do you have any idea what this kind of events in my life and suppressed anger is doing to me? If you want you can tell him, He won’t be able to control me like he did in my childhood. And after that he came to balcony and be like yeah you’re doing well. I was like if you give me few minutes to learn something obviously I’m going to do it well. So he got angry again because I talked back. But I didn’t care. And tbh I felt so alive and proud of myself! It happened yesterday evening but I’m still feeling so good about it.

     

    I am glad you liked it! You probably saw yourself in that example, and that’s what brought tears to your eyes…

    Yes Exactly!

     

    Yes, you adopted your father’s belief that you are not good enough. Christine Hassler often uses the phrase “you bought into the belief…” Yes, we as children believe our parents’ view of us. Their critical voice becomes the voice of our inner critic. The external critic becomes internalized. And so the voice of our critical parent(s) keeps living in our head.

    Yes I actively need to work replacing critical voice with positive and supportive one.

     

    Yes, it’s a good question. Have you thought about it?

    Well I think I’ve felt the most powerful just recently like I told you. Because of that I felt like yeah I have my own voice and power why am I keep letting them control me?

    And another time when I finally got a fully remote job in sustainability!

    Hmm What else? Can I also count when I learned to Bicycling and Driving? Because my family thought I’m slow and scared of it, so I wouldn’t learn that

     

    You mean you don’t feel ready to do the exercise with the inner child, which she did with her client? Or you don’t remember a particular situation, which you would want to go back to and “rewrite”?

     

    I mean I already tried, I also know the particular situation (the one I just mentioned) I think that situation from my childhood is the most memorable one. But the feeling the truth by I mean like I’m right and I shouldn’t feel like only elder family members tell me is the truth. Like I literally feel like I need to build my own voice persona from scratch. Because the thing is even the positive voices are coming externally. Not from within, Like how some of my friends praise me, how my co-workers praise me for my work, the women I’ve been with tells me how kind, passionate and caring I am.

    Like I don’t feel like I actually need external validation, I’m not longing for those voices. But it’s just there. You know what I mean?

    I need to connect with myself on deeper level. But you can feel free to tell me how can I “rewrite” from your perspective.

     

    #432865
    Tee
    Participant

    Hi SereneWolf,

    Como stai?

    Io sto bene, grazie 🙂

    (I only knew the 2 last words. For the rest I asked Google Translate 🙂 )

    after that he came to balcony and be like yeah you’re doing well. I was like if you give me few minutes to learn something obviously I’m going to do it well. So he got angry again because I talked back. But I didn’t care. And tbh I felt so alive and proud of myself! It happened yesterday evening but I’m still feeling so good about it.

    Yay, you did great! Congratulations! I love what you told him: “if you give me few minutes to learn something obviously I’m going to do it well.”

    You nailed it! You pinpointed the main problem: his too high expectations and immediate criticism, instead of allowing you the time to learn things (and having patience and empathy with you). And he was like that since your childhood. No room for mistakes and a demand for perfection, or else he was quick to get angry.

    And I loved that you were so self-confident with him: telling him that you are obviously going to do it well. Yes! That’s the spirit! You didn’t feel less then, or not good enough, but you confidently told him that yes, you can do it, you are able to, you just need a little bit of time to get the hang of it. Perfect!

    my mother came to me and she was like you know him why you wanted a fight? So I also told her,. Even about the therapy. Like do you have any idea what this kind of events in my life and suppressed anger is doing to me? If you want you can tell him, He won’t be able to control me like he did in my childhood.

    So your mother behaved the same way as she did in your childhood: trying to pacify you, so you wouldn’t provoke him. She wanted you to walk on eggshells around him, so he wouldn’t explode in anger. Basically, she was appeasing the bully (and trying to control you, his victim).

    It’s good that you told her how her silencing you and making you suppress your anger had negative consequences on your life and mental health. And that he won’t be able to control you like that anymore. But I guess you indirectly told her as well that she won’t be able to control you any more either, right? You told her off too – you told her you won’t fall for her pleas to suppress your own voice. You told her you won’t stay silent, but will stand up for yourself. Which is amazing!

    So once again, congratulations! It was 2-in-1 action: you dealt with both parents in one swift move. 🙂

    How are you feeling today? Still good or there are some doubts or feeling of guilt, or anything like that?

    Yes I actively need to work replacing critical voice with positive and supportive one.

    It seems the inner protector – the inner Uncle Iroh – has activated himself in this latest encounter with your parents. Do you still feel the presence of this positive inner voice?

    Well I think I’ve felt the most powerful just recently like I told you. Because of that I felt like yeah I have my own voice and power why am I keep letting them control me?

    Yes, you do have your own voice, which can speak for you and defend you from attacks. I think it’s wonderful that you experienced that you are actually able to defend yourself and stand up for yourself. And this gave you a sense of power. Because if you can stand up for yourself, you are powerful. If you can say No to abuse, you are powerful.

    Simply knowing that we have the ability to protect ourselves (from other people’s abuse, unreasonable demands, unfair expectations etc) gives us enormous inner power.

    And another time when I finally got a fully remote job in sustainability!

    Yess! That was a great success – your dream come true, and something you have been longing for a long time. And you made it! So yes, that too proved how powerful you are: because you can achieve your goals and dreams.

    Hmm What else? Can I also count when I learned to Bicycling and Driving? Because my family thought I’m slow and scared of it, so I wouldn’t learn that

    Sure, that one counts too. You achieved something your family thought you wouldn’t be able to. Achievement – and especially achievement in spite of obstacles – gives us a sense of power!

    I mean I already tried, I also know the particular situation (the one I just mentioned) I think that situation from my childhood is the most memorable one

    Okay, it could be that some “rewriting” of your childhood experiences happened in this very encounter with your parents. Because in this encounter, you’ve got the experience of standing up for yourself and speaking your truth, and not allowing to be silenced and guilt-tripped into obedience. If you still feel good about it, without doubt or guilt creeping in, then some “rewriting” has happened for sure.

    But the feeling the truth by I mean like I’m right and I shouldn’t feel like only elder family members tell me is the truth. Like I literally feel like I need to build my own voice persona from scratch.

    Is there a part of you which still expects validation from your parents (and grandparents) that you are making good choices? Like, you know that you are right, but a part of you is still doubting it?

    Because the thing is even the positive voices are coming externally. Not from within, Like how some of my friends praise me, how my co-workers praise me for my work, the women I’ve been with tells me how kind, passionate and caring I am.

    Do you feel that you still don’t believe positive things about yourself? That even though you receive praise from other people, you still have a hard time believing it?

    Perhaps now 2 voices are vying for dominance in your psyche: one is your newly found confident voice with which you just spoke to your parents. And the other is the “good old” (actually bad old) inner critic, caused by years of criticism and telling you you’re not good enough?

    Like I don’t feel like I actually need external validation, I’m not longing for those voices. But it’s just there. You know what I mean?

    You mean you are not longing for external validation? But you also feel that your inner “validator” is not strong enough?

    I need to connect with myself on deeper level.

    What exactly do you feel you are missing right now?

    But you can feel free to tell me how can I “rewrite” from your perspective.

    I just meant the exercise with the inner child, where the client imagined an event from her childhood and then “rewrote” the script (she stood between her inner child and her stepfather, and protected her inner child from her stepfather, and then reassured her inner child that she is safe and loved and protected). But if you feel you did some of that in the latest interaction with your parents, that can work too.

     

    #433041
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi SereneWolf,

     

    Yeah, I am still a fan of caffeine, only “diluted”, with plenty of milk. Latte is almost like comfort food for me, so yeah, there is an attachment there, which so far I don’t want to break free from 🙂

     

    Haha I agree, I myself actually enjoy Latte sometimes. Although sometimes I think I should start taking caffeine for a better focus at during worktime. In the morning time I always look so sleepy no matter how many hours I have slept.

     

    Yes, physical affection is very important when we’re babies, because that’s the only language we understand. And if we are caressed and played with, and soothed and held when we’re upset, that means so much for our nervous system and our basic sense of safety. And also, the basic sense of feeling loved, because physical touch means affection.

    My mother didn’t like physical affection because I think it didn’t come naturally to her – because she herself felt so deprived of love and affection (due to her own childhood). So she couldn’t give what she didn’t possess… But then she rationalized it by saying that giving hugs and kisses will spoil the child, or that it’s fake, that the person giving hugs and kisses isn’t sincere and doesn’t truly love us. So she rationalized her own coldness and emotional detachment, instead of admitting that there is something missing in her…

    Yes I agree with you.. and it’s same like my father, my father thought even words of encouragement spoils the kids. Then hugs and kisses are far away lol

    And to be honest it’s quite common here not just for my father. But it’s surprising for me I though mother figures are mostly affectionate but I guess not in your case.

    it’s changing though (almost like since covid I think) My father would at least put his hand on my forehand when I’m working on my laptop and when I ask what he’s doing that for he’s like..To check if you got a headache or not haha

     

    I have a photo with my father in his lap, when I was maybe 1 or 2 years old, where he is looking at me with great love and affection. But he wasn’t really a hugging type, and we didn’t have much emotional closeness later as I grew up. But he was never aggressive. He just didn’t protect me from my mother’s aggression, so that’s his major “crime” against me.

    Ohhh! No physical affectionate from mother and even from the father side? Must be really hard for you. Yeah, your father didn’t stand up against your mother when he should have, just like my mother should have for me.

     

    Actually yes, I myself used to be rather restrained in expressing physical affection. I think one of the main reasons was that I felt empty inside, I felt like I have nothing to give. But that was before setting on my healing journey. Now I am more free, but still not super touchy-feely.

    Luckily, my husband is the touching type. He likes to give me hugs and back rubs, and I enjoy it like a baby 🙂 He definitely made up for what I was missing as a child, both in terms of physical and emotional affection. So that’s been a huge blessing in my life.

    It’s kinda similar to me! Like now I know I have so much love to give. But sometimes I still do get this feeling of emptiness like I have nothing to give.

    I’m glad you got touching type husband. You believe in 4 love languages? Because sounds like your husband’s love language is physical touch

     

    Aw that’s wonderful! Your uncle must really like you and appreciate you a lot. I hope you can take it in and allow your heart to open up, to receive his love. Because he seems genuine in his expression of love, and you said you don’t like people who are kind in a fake way, because they usually want something from you.

    But it seems your uncle is an example of someone who genuinely cares about you, so perhaps next time he gives you a hug, try to really receive his love and open your heart? (if you haven’t already)

     

    Yes he does appreciate me. He trust me at that level that he put his power attorney on my name. and he told me that during my lifetime I have never seen honest and humble person like you. And he did a love marriage and my aunt is also very wise lady. So he told me He’s only vulnerable with two person. One with his wife and one me. I think he’s also one of the reason I got entrepreneurial spirit.

     

    When she complains about work, what do you do?

    I just listen. I don’t try to give her solutions and when she works late after that she drinks a lot and then get all “horny drunk” then I try that she could sleep on time so she can have proper rest. But it’s been like 5 days I haven’t even texted and neither did she

     

    Okay, so she is someone who gets angry over small things? And she freely expresses that anger? While you get angry only over big things? But even then, you suppress your anger and you don’t say anything to the person who is mistreating you or otherwise doing something you find unacceptable. This is what you said about the incident when your nephew and other kindergarten kids went to the doctor:
    I got so much angry but I didn’t want to disrespect a woman inside a hospital there so I controlled myself and stayed calm.

    Yes she expresses her anger quite freely and I don’t. But I think it’s getting better

    Just today evening I screamed at my grandpa. And I have never done that before! I talked back and screamed at my father sometimes in my teenage. But never to my grandpa. Even my father thinks twice when he has to tell him something. But today he was being rude with my grandma so I couldn’t help myself and I had a verbal fight with Him. He literally got up to hit me but I didn’t budge. Like if you want to hit me. But don’t be rude with my grandma like she’s nothing. Like he only likes when everyone is agreeing with him and my grandma disagreed with him so he got angry. So I think it’s another achievement for me

    Btw, is she (your new love interest) the kind of person who speaks up for herself when needed, or she only vents to you, but doesn’t dare to e.g. speak to her bosses?

    Naah I don’t think she speak up to her bosses. Because she would be texting me even while working. And watching Instagram reels while working. And she has quite a bad relationship with her parents she speaks to them only when needed.

    If I remember well, your previous girlfriend (the doctor) praised you for being so calm and composed. But that was likely only a persona, because your anger is deeply buried. And maybe that’s why you didn’t like her, because you didn’t allow yourself to be authentic with her (and by being authentic, I mean expressing your anger too). So perhaps you felt that she likes your persona (the part which you were comfortable showing), but not the real you?

    Hmm tbh I don’t think that was the reason. And when I’m with her I did feel that she is someone that is capable of accepting the whole me. I’m saying because the way she was talking to me and also many times she reassured me that I can have bad feelings and I can allow myself to be sad and angry in front of her. And I used to vent about things with her.

     

    One thing I am hearing is that good friends leave when they find a partner. You had a certain closeness with her, a certain emotional intimacy, but I guess neither of you were interested in a romantic relationship? And then you lost that closeness once she found a boyfriend and moved away, right?

    And with this recent female friend, she found a boyfriend and started talking about him enthusiastically, and you don’t like it:

    Right. Totally platonic. And I did noticed that my female friends are good listeners than my male friends and kinda more empathic. So I tend to be more vulnerable with my female friends

     

    Perhaps you are feeling a sense of loss of that deeper bond that you used to have – which always disappears when your female friend gets into a relationship? And also, there seems to be a longing for something you don’t have:

    Yes I think so…

     

    Perhaps when they tell you these things, you get reminded of the good times in your own romantic relationships – good times which lasted for only a short while, and only in the beginning. But then the anger, upset and anxiety would set in (at least it was like that with your LDR, with whom you stayed for almost 3 years, if I remember well?). So there seems to be a longing for a relationship, but also fear because it never turned out well.

    Yes exactly!

     

    You want something “light”, as opposed to “hard”, which you believe a committed relationship is. But “light” can only work with someone who doesn’t want to be committed (i.e. someone with intimacy issues, like you), or someone who is hoping to change you, like your ex did. She was hoping that you would get madly in love with her and won’t be able to live without her – even though you told her you have attachment issues. But she was hoping you would change for her.

    Anyway, “light” relationship isn’t the real solution. It’s an escape from fear. And fear is lying to you that a loving, committed relationship is hard work and involves a lot of sacrifices.

    Maybe it would help if you wrote down everything you believe about a loving, committed relationship and what it involves. Perhaps it would shed some light on the various (false) assumptions you have around it?

     

    I’m thinking short term situationships would make me feel lighter and still have that sense of closeness with someone? Like Friend+Lover you know?  and it’s also good because now I’m also capable of travelling so I’ll be changing the places frequently. Then why tie myself to a serious relationship? Because I literally despise LDR now. There is no way I want a LDR with someone I really really love. I’d want her to be with me. Not far away longing for me.

    Like think about it, If I’d be just dating a local woman from the city that I’m staying. It’s also good for activities and time spending outside the work. So spending good time together and some sweet memories and then say see ya senorita on the next adventure…

    Sounds silly enough? lol

    #433042
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Oops I forgot to change the Name.

    Hi Tee!

    #433062
    Tee
    Participant

    Hey SereneWolf,

    Although sometimes I think I should start taking caffeine for a better focus at during worktime. In the morning time I always look so sleepy no matter how many hours I have slept.

    If you want a wake-up effect, then I guess Latte would be a poor choice, at least for me it is, because all that milk puts me to sleep rather than waking me up 🙂 That’s why I said, Latte is comfort food for me 😀

    Yes I agree with you.. and it’s same like my father, my father thought even words of encouragement spoils the kids. Then hugs and kisses are far away lol

    Yeah, same with my mother. No words of encouragement, no praise – that too spoils the kid. It was a kind of a Spartan upbringing…

    And to be honest it’s quite common here not just for my father. But it’s surprising for me I though mother figures are mostly affectionate but I guess not in your case.

    Well, she didn’t have an affectionate mother herself, so she didn’t really experience love and affection. But the saddest part is that she thought highly of her mother and never allowed any criticism of her. Even though her mother was a very critical, strict and cold parent.

    My mother even blamed herself for not being a good enough daughter… so there was never even a glimmer of awareness about how bad effect her mother had on her. And unfortunately, due to that lack of awareness, she never worked on her own healing and only transferred her trauma on to me (which is how generational trauma happens).

    it’s changing though (almost like since covid I think) My father would at least put his hand on my forehand when I’m working on my laptop and when I ask what he’s doing that for he’s like..To check if you got a headache or not haha

    Hahaha… that’s quite a unique way to express affection. I thought he was checking whether you have fever or not 🙂 But if you feel he wants to be closer to you nowadays, but only knows how to do it in clumsy ways, well, that counts too 🙂

    I’m glad you got touching type husband. You believe in 4 love languages? Because sounds like your husband’s love language is physical touch

    Yeah, could be. I think Acts of service and Quality time is also what’s important to him, actually to both of us. And Words of affirmation too. Neither of us is big on gifts though, or going out to dinners and special occasions. So we more or less speak 4 love languages, and the 5th isn’t important to either of us 🙂

    Yes he does appreciate me. He trust me at that level that he put his power attorney on my name. and he told me that during my lifetime I have never seen honest and humble person like you. And he did a love marriage and my aunt is also very wise lady. So he told me He’s only vulnerable with two person. One with his wife and one me. I think he’s also one of the reason I got entrepreneurial spirit.

    Oh my! Your real uncle is your Uncle Iroh then!! That’s amazing! To have such a loving and caring elder – someone who appreciates you so much and trusts you – that’s such a blessing.

    You should learn from him about relationships! Because you said he married out of love, to a good, smart woman. Which means it is possible, SereneWolf. He is your proof.

    I just listen. I don’t try to give her solutions and when she works late after that she drinks a lot and then get all “horny drunk” then I try that she could sleep on time so she can have proper rest.

    Naah I don’t think she speak up to her bosses. Because she would be texting me even while working. And watching Instagram reels while working. And she has quite a bad relationship with her parents she speaks to them only when needed.

    Oh, so she’s not only smoking, but also tends to drink a lot. She has anger issues but it seems she uses alcohol to “soothe” her pain. And she likes to vent a lot and fume, but it’s only like letting out a bit of steam from a pressure cooker – she is not really working on healing her issues.

     I try that she could sleep on time so she can have proper rest.

    This is similar to what you were doing in your LDR – caring about the girl’s health and that she is getting proper rest, is eating well etc. So this is the same kind of “savior” behavior with this girl too. And this girl is trouble, similar to your first LDR.

    So beware of that – that you might get sucked into another savior kind of relationship, where you want to “parent” a troubled girl, who doesn’t really want to go to therapy and work on her issues. Perhaps now you would be a more compassionate and understanding parent, because you’ve worked on yourself, but nevertheless still in a parental role. And that’s not a good recipe for a relationship.

    But it’s been like 5 days I haven’t even texted and neither did she

    That’s good! It seems you are attracted to problematic girls, whom you want to help improve, and that’s a part of the excitement you feel about her. So be aware of that…

    Hmm tbh I don’t think that was the reason. And when I’m with her I did feel that she is someone that is capable of accepting the whole me. I’m saying because the way she was talking to me and also many times she reassured me that I can have bad feelings and I can allow myself to be sad and angry in front of her. And I used to vent about things with her.

    Okay, so she was able to accept you as you are, with all your good and bad sides. You didn’t need to pretend with her. And you could vent to her, and she would listen. It didn’t overwhelm her. But you see – you didn’t feel that “tension” and excitement with her that you feel now with this latest girl. And it could be because she didn’t need fixing. You even felt a little inferior to her (I remember you mentioned that).

    So perhaps she was intimidating because you felt not good enough for her? And this one – the problematic girl – doesn’t feel intimidating because you feel better than her? And so you feel safe?

    No judgment here – I am just asking those questions, so you could get to the bottom of the problem. Because I am seeing the same pattern as before, and perhaps now is the time to become aware of the pattern and try to break it (or rather, heal it).

    Right. Totally platonic. And I did noticed that my female friends are good listeners than my male friends and kinda more empathic. So I tend to be more vulnerable with my female friends

    It seems that caring, empathic girls don’t really attract you in the romantic sense – but you only stay friends with them. And then they find a guy and move on. And you are left alone. It seems like self-sabotage. A good girl, capable of emotional intimacy, isn’t attractive to you romantically. Because you are afraid of that deep vulnerability, which comes with a romantic relationship. So yeah, it all seems to be a part of the same pattern.

    I’m thinking short term situationships would make me feel lighter and still have that sense of closeness with someone? Like Friend+Lover you know?

    Think about it in the light of what I’ve said above. You want some closeness, but not real closeness. You want to stay on the surface. Because when you fall in love, you fall in love with problematic people, which drain you (like this latest girl has the potential to drain you). And of course, you don’t want such a relationship.

    But the biggest problem is that you are afraid to fall in love with healthy people. With whom you could experience a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

    and it’s also good because now I’m also capable of travelling so I’ll be changing the places frequently. … If I’d be just dating a local woman from the city that I’m staying. It’s also good for activities and time spending outside the work. So spending good time together and some sweet memories and then say see ya senorita on the next adventure…

    Yeah, you want to be like a sailor, having a different woman in each port 😉 But you know it’s not the solution, SereneWolf. It’s an escape. So think about it. Your own uncle managed to have a loving, committed relationship. And he knows what love is. So… give it a thought….

     

    #433073
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Ciao Tee,

    This week ended like blink of an eye and I didn’t even worked that much. It’s Friday again, Your heath is getting better? Have you tried any ayurvedic things?

    If you want a wake-up effect, then I guess Latte would be a poor choice, at least for me it is, because all that milk puts me to sleep rather than waking me up 🙂 That’s why I said, Latte is comfort food for me 😀

    Haha I think even little caffeine should work. Too much caffeine isn’t good for the person who isn’t consuming caffeine daily. Don’t you think?

     

    Yeah, same with my mother. No words of encouragement, no praise – that too spoils the kid. It was a kind of a Spartan upbringing…

    Spartan Upbringing I like the words you used. So that makes us warriors? I guess so lol

    Well, she didn’t have an affectionate mother herself, so she didn’t really experience love and affection. But the saddest part is that she thought highly of her mother and never allowed any criticism of her. Even though her mother was a very critical, strict and cold parent.

    My mother even blamed herself for not being a good enough daughter… so there was never even a glimmer of awareness about how bad effect her mother had on her. And unfortunately, due to that lack of awareness, she never worked on her own healing and only transferred her trauma on to me (which is how generational trauma happens).

     

    Ohh I see. It’s like putting hands on your eyes and then tell others that you’re blind. And the another thing is that if she thought that she wasn’t good enough daughter, didn’t she thought that now I have my own daughter I should raise her right that so she would feel good enough? Generational trauma sucks and I can see it in my family and I’ll be the who will break the generation trauma in our bloodline

     

    Hahaha… that’s quite a unique way to express affection. I thought he was checking whether you have fever or not 🙂 But if you feel he wants to be closer to you nowadays, but only knows how to do it in clumsy ways, well, that counts too 🙂

    Yeah he doesn’t know how to show affection. I kinda had a same problem in my first ever relationship but I think now it’s much better. I hug my siblings often. My mother and grandma and even some relatives.

     

    Yeah, could be. I think Acts of service and Quality time is also what’s important to him, actually to both of us. And Words of affirmation too. Neither of us is big on gifts though, or going out to dinners and special occasions. So we more or less speak 4 love languages, and the 5th isn’t important to either of us 🙂

    Haha surprisingly very similar to what I had with my Long term LDR girlfriend. Mine was also Acts of service and Quality time and after that other love languages  and gift weren’t important for either of us.

     

    Oh my! Your real uncle is your Uncle Iroh then!! That’s amazing! To have such a loving and caring elder – someone who appreciates you so much and trusts you – that’s such a blessing.

    You should learn from him about relationships! Because you said he married out of love, to a good, smart woman. Which means it is possible, SereneWolf. He is your proof.

     

    Thanks, we do meet less though. Although because of this I feel like his father doesn’t like me. But my uncle told me to ignore that.

    And Yeah he’s big on relationships. Business and personal both. I also admire my aunt. Their love is really awesome. They studied together and then dated for like over 7 years they already decided that they want to get married and just before 2 months of the engagement he had a bad accident and he lost his leg (now he has a artificial leg and he walks fine). So my aunt’s parents said we don’t want this wedding to happen. But my aunt was firm and she said that no matter what happens I’m going to marry him. And against her parents’ decision she married to him which is quite a big thing for a woman here. And her own parents didn’t talked to her for over 3 years.

     

    Oh, so she’s not only smoking, but also tends to drink a lot. She has anger issues but it seems she uses alcohol to “soothe” her pain. And she likes to vent a lot and fume, but it’s only like letting out a bit of steam from a pressure cooker – she is not really working on healing her issues.

    About healing the issues. Here’s the fun part. She’s on therapy for over 4 years

     

    This is similar to what you were doing in your LDR – caring about the girl’s health and that she is getting proper rest, is eating well etc. So this is the same kind of “savior” behavior with this girl too. And this girl is trouble, similar to your first LDR.

    So beware of that – that you might get sucked into another savior kind of relationship, where you want to “parent” a troubled girl, who doesn’t really want to go to therapy and work on her issues. Perhaps now you would be a more compassionate and understanding parent, because you’ve worked on yourself, but nevertheless still in a parental role. And that’s not a good recipe for a relationship.

     

    No. I think you’re misunderstanding. First thing is that I don’t even count her as my love interest. That’s why I said it was kinda puppy love feeling for me because maybe I felt lonely and we talked a lot. Another thing is that I never even had a friend who smokes and drinks that much they lose their senses. So I get really worried like what if something happens to her?

     

    That’s good! It seems you are attracted to problematic girls, whom you want to help improve, and that’s a part of the excitement you feel about her. So be aware of that…

    Hmm really? Because it’s been a while, I didn’t even had proper interaction with the woman. Including the latest one I only talked to her over the phone and texting. And I’m not attached to her anymore I think I was curious because she seemed little bit mysterious at first

     

    Okay, so she was able to accept you as you are, with all your good and bad sides. You didn’t need to pretend with her. And you could vent to her, and she would listen. It didn’t overwhelm her. But you see – you didn’t feel that “tension” and excitement with her that you feel now with this latest girl. And it could be because she didn’t need fixing. You even felt a little inferior to her (I remember you mentioned that).

    Yes I did felt inferior at first but after a while I was quite comfortable with her. There was physical and even some romantic attraction but I didn’t continue with her because of my fear. Like if something good like this would end, I’d feel so much hurt so I didn’t let her too close to my heart

    So perhaps she was intimidating because you felt not good enough for her? And this one – the problematic girl – doesn’t feel intimidating because you feel better than her? And so you feel safe?

    No judgment here – I am just asking those questions, so you could get to the bottom of the problem. Because I am seeing the same pattern as before, and perhaps now is the time to become aware of the pattern and try to break it (or rather, heal it).

    I mean like I said I stopped comparing a while ago and I don’t see her as better or worse than me. And I’m not sure about pattern either because for pattern I need to actually go out and date someone don’t you think so? I’m getting bored of phone and texting.

     

    It seems that caring, empathic girls don’t really attract you in the romantic sense – but you only stay friends with them. And then they find a guy and move on. And you are left alone. It seems like self-sabotage. A good girl, capable of emotional intimacy, isn’t attractive to you romantically. Because you are afraid of that deep vulnerability, which comes with a romantic relationship. So yeah, it all seems to be a part of the same pattern.

    Ohh no no I think I’m really craving a caring and empathic woman, Even in a romantic sense, If you remember I felt like I had a feeling that I want someone to baby me. And it’s not like they move on, But it’s obvious thing that they’re gonna spend more time with their partners and then talk to me about what they did. Because that’s what friends do?

    I do get attracted a women capable of emotional intimacy. But that part is true that I do fear the emotional intimacy.

     

    Think about it in the light of what I’ve said above. You want some closeness, but not real closeness. You want to stay on the surface.

    Hmm agree with this

     

    Because when you fall in love, you fall in love with problematic people, which drain you (like this latest girl has the potential to drain you). And of course, you don’t want such a relationship.

    But the biggest problem is that you are afraid to fall in love with healthy people. With whom you could experience a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

    No the thing is when I fall in love, I get obsessed and all in, that’s why I always try to control myself not get attached. Like I said I need to learn slow and soft love. Not hard and fast.

     

    Yeah, you want to be like a sailor, having a different woman in each port 😉 But you know it’s not the solution, SereneWolf. It’s an escape. So think about it. Your own uncle managed to have a loving, committed relationship. And he knows what love is. So… give it a thought….

    Lmao! You’re making it sound spicy! 😂 But yeah I’m aware it’s an escape. But with a ray of hope. What if during my journey I meet someone who is really able to touch my heart and able to break down the walls in my heart? Or is that too much hopeful thing to think?

    Because I think if I travel and do the activities that I love there will be similar women around who values those things. You see what I mean?

     

    #433085
    Tee
    Participant

    Hi SereneWolf,

    just a quick, though provocative question (sorry about that) for now. I’ll reply to the rest of your post later:

    There was physical and even some romantic attraction but I didn’t continue with her because of my fear. Like if something good like this would end, I’d feel so much hurt so I didn’t let her too close to my heart

    What if during my journey I meet someone who is really able to touch my heart and able to break down the walls in my heart?

    So the doctor didn’t touch your heart? Or she did, but she wasn’t able to break down the walls in your heart?

    You see – it’s not about the woman. It’s about you. If you fear (either intimacy, or losing something good and hurting afterwards), then you will keep those walls up, even if it’s the best thing that ever happened to you.

    If fear prevails, no woman will be able to break down the walls of your heart. The person who needs to do it is you.

     

    #433166
    Tee
    Participant

    Ciao SereneWolf 🙂

    Haha I think even little caffeine should work. Too much caffeine isn’t good for the person who isn’t consuming caffeine daily. Don’t you think?

    Yeah I guess so. But still, I’d go for a cappuccino instead of a latte, just to be sure that the wake-up effect is there 🙂

    Spartan Upbringing I like the words you used. So that makes us warriors? I guess so lol

    Actually, upon thinking about it, I wasn’t raised to be a warrior. I was raised to fear everything. And to stay by my mother’s side, where I was supposedly “safe”. Not to try anything new, not to experiment, because I might hurt myself… And so, that’s what I’ve learned – to fear and procrastinate.

    So Spartan wasn’t a good choice of words in my case, because it definitely didn’t teach me to be a fearless warrior – quite the opposite. But I meant Spartan in terms of no empathy.

    It seems that you were quite different though, because you did even dangerous things, without fear, or in spite of fear. Fear (of adventure, exploration, of trying out new things, of living on your own at 16) didn’t stop you. So in that sense, I think you can be called a fearless warrior 🙂

     It’s like putting hands on your eyes and then tell others that you’re blind.

    Actually, she doesn’t think she is blind. She believes she sees things correctly and that she knows better (about life and everything that matters).

    And the another thing is that if she thought that she wasn’t good enough daughter, didn’t she thought that now I have my own daughter I should raise her right that so she would feel good enough?

    Well, she believes she wasn’t “perfect” enough, since she didn’t fulfill her parents’ expectations fully, or she did, but with a delay. And she was chastising herself all her life for that supposed “failure”, which wasn’t a failure at all. But still, she could never forgive herself for her supposed mistakes. And maybe because of that, she raised me with this pressure to be perfect, to not make mistakes. And she would chastise me for even the smallest mistake. I was never good enough for her.

    And Yeah he’s big on relationships. Business and personal both. I also admire my aunt. Their love is really awesome. They studied together and then dated for like over 7 years they already decided that they want to get married and just before 2 months of the engagement he had a bad accident and he lost his leg (now he has a artificial leg and he walks fine). So my aunt’s parents said we don’t want this wedding to happen. But my aunt was firm and she said that no matter what happens I’m going to marry him. And against her parents’ decision she married to him which is quite a big thing for a woman here. And her own parents didn’t talked to her for over 3 years.

    Wow, what a story! It’s a testament of true love, and how much your aunt loved him, because she chose to stay with him even after he became partially disabled. And in spite of her parents’ disapproval. So yeah, that’s true love. And I guess when she made her choice, her love was stronger than the fear about the future and how they’ll make it with his disability etc. So, love conquered fear… Inspiring!

    About healing the issues. Here’s the fun part. She’s on therapy for over 4 years

    Oops.. then her therapy doesn’t seem to be working too well?

    No. I think you’re misunderstanding. First thing is that I don’t even count her as my love interest.

    Okay, glad to hear that. Because you said you were eagerly awaiting her texts and you get excited to receive them, even if you didn’t like it:

    I’m kinda enjoying talking with her though. Like sometimes I’m literally waiting for her texts. I don’t like this feeling. I don’t want to get attached to her.

    But one thing is that yearning for is growing and I don’t like it. The more I try to resist it the more it’s growing.

    So I thought that even though you don’t like becoming attached to her, that it’s still happening…

    Another thing is that I never even had a friend who smokes and drinks that much they lose their senses. So I get really worried like what if something happens to her?

    Okay, so you are becoming attached to her as a friend then. What is she doing when she gets drunk? Is she in real danger, or she is just sitting at home, sending you “horny” texts? (you said she gets “horny drunk“)

    Hmm really? Because it’s been a while, I didn’t even had proper interaction with the woman. Including the latest one I only talked to her over the phone and texting.

    Well, people fall in love even if they’ve never met the person irl (don’t forget, it happened to you too!) So the fact that you’ve never met her in person doesn’t mean anything. Btw, I thought that your first meeting, when you talked till 2 am, was in person. But it wasn’t?

    I stopped comparing a while ago and I don’t see her as better or worse than me.

    That’s good. But you can still have discernment, because if a girl drinks to the point of losing her senses, that’s not something you need to tolerate and accept. It’s okay to have some boundaries and some expectations.

    And I’m not sure about pattern either because for pattern I need to actually go out and date someone don’t you think so? I’m getting bored of phone and texting.

    As I said, we can build a strong attachment with someone based on only online/phone interaction. But I agree that if you want to date someone, it would be good to at least meet them in person once or a few times. And if the circumstances are such that you live in different cities, then LDR might be an option for a while. But even then, meeting regularly, e.g. once per month, would be better than not meeting for months on end.

    Ohh no no I think I’m really craving a caring and empathic woman, Even in a romantic sense, If you remember I felt like I had a feeling that I want someone to baby me.

    You crave for a caring and empathic woman, but when you meet one (e.g. the doctor), you let her go. So one part of you might be craving, but the other part of you is fearing it.

    And it’s not like they move on, But it’s obvious thing that they’re gonna spend more time with their partners and then talk to me about what they did. Because that’s what friends do?

    Yes, sure, it’s normal they spend less time with you once they find a boyfriend. However, you said you feel abandoned when this happens. So I was referring to that sense of abandonment – like you had some emotional intimacy (appropriate for a friend), which you liked. And you miss it when it’s gone. But at the same time, you’re afraid of deeper emotional intimacy – which is appropriate for a romantic relationship. So, some emotional intimacy is fine, but a lot – not fine.

    I do get attracted a women capable of emotional intimacy. But that part is true that I do fear the emotional intimacy.

    Okay, I think this is what’s happening: you do get attracted to such women (although to be fair, it was the doctor who asked you on a date, not vice versa). But you eventually reject them. Because of your fear.

    No the thing is when I fall in love, I get obsessed and all in, that’s why I always try to control myself not get attached. Like I said I need to learn slow and soft love. Not hard and fast.

    You didn’t get obsessed about the doctor, did you? She even tried to “blackmail” you by telling you she is considering going back to her ex (who wanted them to try again), since you weren’t too passionate about her. And you weren’t too upset about it. You said do what you think is right. So it seems to me you didn’t get attached to the doctor (who was/is a woman capable of emotional intimacy).

    But you did get attached to your LDR, who was a troubled girl, and whom you tried to change…

    So it still seems to me that you get attached to a certain type of girl (who is lacking in some manner), but not to a different type – who is quite balanced and capable of emotional intimacy.

    Lmao! You’re making it sound spicy! But yeah I’m aware it’s an escape. But with a ray of hope. What if during my journey I meet someone who is really able to touch my heart and able to break down the walls in my heart? Or is that too much hopeful thing to think?

    I replied to that in my previous post… about who is the single person that can break down the walls around your heart…

     

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