Hey SereneWolf,

Yaay! I hope it’s still getting better?

Well, it’s staying stable, that is, not getting worse again, which is good enough for me. It would be better if I could heal completely, but it doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen, since it has been more than a year now. So this is the next best: low-grade, manageable pain, which I can live with.

Perhaps some day I’ll manage to “hack” it and heal completely, but I am not hung up on it, because it feels like something I cannot control (beyond a certain point). So it’s better to put my energy into something that I actually can control and where I can make a change…

Yes Exactly, and I’m good at making various processes much more efficient so now more time on my hands and things get easy for them as well

Great! It’s a win-win then, and you’re utilizing your skills and talents. Fantastic! 🙂

Yes and even after all this I know that I’ve been through a lot I managed lot obstacles in the past and I’ve been very resilient. Yet still kinda this empty feeling in my chest of not good enough or whatever it is

You sure, in the long run this wound heals? Or it doesn’t? And what would be the most effective thing for this? Because this generational trauma is starting to take toll on me.

It seems there is still an emptiness in your heart (“empty feeling in my chest“), which I think indicates that your inner child still hasn’t received what he needs: love and appreciation. He still hasn’t been told: “you are doing so great! I am proud of you!”

There is a way to work with our inner child, by visualizing an event from the past and then making an “intervention”, where our adult self stands to defend our child self. And this make our inner child feel differently about themselves and it basically heals the root problem.

There is a beautiful demonstration of that kind of work in a youtube video by a coach Christine Hassler, called “I Have Awareness But Things Still Aren’t Changing”. The client is a woman, but her story is very similar to yours: a criticizing step-father, which made her to be very judgmental of herself, and she also lacks trust in men, i.e. relationships.

The visualization exercise with the inner child starts about minute 14, if you don’t feel like watching the entire video. So this is how you can actually heal your inner child, beyond just intellectual understanding. Let me know what you think…

Yup no urge to fix. I wasn’t even suggesting her what to do. But yeah, she’s definitely not someone that I’d like for a relationship. And She smokes so I’d think twice to even procced anything casual with her.

Okay, that’s nice that you could simply talk to her with more emphasis on listening, and less on judging or trying to fix her. And while listening, you also had discernment – you noticed some of the behaviors you don’t like and that are potential deal-breakers for you, such as smoking.

That’s cool! I mean, you can have things that are non-negotiable, that are simply not aligned with what you are appreciating in a person, and it’s okay to respect that.

But I am thinking about going on dates though. It’s been like more than a month that I’m at my hometown. So it’s time to move, I’ll move to another city with better weather in May.

So you are thinking about going on dates because you know you’ll be moving soon enough? 🙂 But yeah, do go on dates, it’s a good practice, even a self-observation practice, to see how you react in certain situations. And to sort of dip your toe into the water and do dating without pressure – either on yourself or the other person.

There was a nurse, She was comparing. They have to measure weight and height of the kids and note those things down. And two brothers was really overweight that the weight scale wasn’t enough for them so she made fun of them and all the kids were laughing at them.

Oh that’s horrible! Nurses and doctors should know better about the professional (and human) ethics. That was really unprofessional. Maybe you could write a complaint to the kindergarten or the hospital? Because this type of practice should not be allowed. What did your sister say? Was she also disturbed by it?

I got so much angry but I didn’t want to disrespect a woman inside a hospital there so I controlled myself and stayed calm.

Yeah, I guess it’s better that you stayed calm in that moment. However you might want to do something about it, since your anger was justified. So perhaps you can save some future kids from a similar humiliating treatment?

I guess yeah maybe that’s what happened, I need to feel excitement for life again, Because there are just so many fascinating things out there

It’s been really hard for me get impressed with something or it’s my dopamine levels?

Maybe that’s the consequence of the same false core belief: “I’ll never be good enough”. Which can be a great killer of joy, because why would you strive for anything if nothing can really make you happy and fulfilled. Perhaps the key word here is fulfillment. Maybe there is a “hole” in your heart, that needs to be filled (with love and appreciation for your inner child). Which will make you fulfilled.

I suggest you watch that video and see if you resonate with the approach there…

Hey SereneWolf,

I always admire the way you’re able to find something positive no matter the situation. And how far along you came battling with your health anxiety. It’s not easy I know but nonetheless you’re doing well.

Thanks, I am trying my best. In the past year or so I’ve started becoming aware of the layers of fear that I grew up with, out of which health anxiety is just one manifestation. So I am looking at fear, feeling it in my body, and trying to separate myself from it (so that it doesn’t take me over me completely). It’s not easy, but I’ve made some progress…. and there is still a lot of work in front of me.

and since you mentioned the “Hack” have you ever tried Ayurvedic medicine or therapy? Sometimes it works wonders

No, I haven’t. Not sure it would work for spine problems though?

I think you’re on point about the inner child need. It’s so funny but let me tell you anyways just the other night I had this need to someone to like baby me. Like I wanted to be taken care of so badly. I was like why I care too much? Can’t I have that?

I think it’s actually normal – that longing to be cared for, caressed, and just be loved for who you are, without any expectations on you. Because we as babies shouldn’t do anything to deserve love – we should just be ourselves, and our parents should shower us with love, care, nurturance, enjoying spending times with us, cooing to us, caressing us, playing with us, playing peekaboo and all the other fun stuff.

We all need parents who are completely into us, who adore us and who see us as special and amazing. That’s how our self-worth develops – not by achieving things, but just by being loved and adored as babies and toddlers.

So perhaps you want some of that feeling of being cuddled and loved just because someone really enjoys your presence? (just like our parents should have enjoyed our presence, but with many parents it unfortunately wasn’t the case).

Hmm I see, and when you say Love and appreciation. What do you mean by that? Romantic love now? Can you elaborate?

Actually, by appreciation I meant what I described above: enjoying our presence, being happy to have us around, seeing us as special, appreciating having us in their life. What we should get from our parents as children. Basically giving us the message: “I am happy to have you in my life”.

I’m kinda enjoying talking with her though. Like sometimes I’m literally waiting for her texts. I don’t like this feeling. I don’t want to get attached to her. She’s alright but just no.

How do you feel with her? If you feel lightness (as in not being criticized by her, not needing to behave in a certain way so she wouldn’t be offended, the ability to just be yourself without needing to present yourself in a certain way), that’s a good sign.

Also, if you can let go of the need to change her, e.g. to judge her for her smoking, or for her “being on the verge of anger”, or for any other behavior. If you would be embarrassed to introduce her to your parents, for example, that’s not a good sign. It means there is something that bothers us about the person’s behavior, and we can’t accept them as they are but would like to change them.

and I’m not sure if I’m just doing that out of loneliness. Because I don’t think I’m feeling lonely or is it entirely something else

Well, you did say you want someone to baby you. So I guess you do long for that intimacy and closeness (physical and emotional) with someone. So this might increase your interest in her…

Yeah I’ll try that. Also like I said the feeling of time passing too fast, It goes away when we try to do something new or like feel something new or different

You mean you feel like you are not wasting your time if you are dating and meeting new people? Perhaps you feel the pressure of settling down and starting a family, which is another expectation on yourself? (and it is actually coming from the outside, i.e. your own parents and family)?

I know right!? They see it as light joke. That’s the problem. And no my sister wasn’t disturbed because they all think they’re just kids.

Yeah, that’s unfortunate because that’s when we are the most vulnerable and impressionable – as children. Believing that it doesn’t matter because they are children is exactly the opposite of truth.

You already know how much of my anger is just buried. But yeah next time I’ll try to do that

I don’t know, you might want to tell your sister that children are super sensitive, so teachers, doctors, coaches and other authority figures (as well as parents, of course) should be careful not to say hurtful things and humiliate them, specially in front of their peers, because those are the kinds of wounds that stay forever…