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Helcat.
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May 1, 2024 at 7:01 am #432211
Lulu
ParticipantI wanted to be a writer for a long time. I’ve always felt the urge to create something new, to share my own experiences and ideas and then package them into digestible portions of entertainment and whimsy for anyone interested.
However, as time went on, I noticed that becoming an author, let alone having your book published, let alone having people interested is a massive endeavor, one that often is very time and money-consuming for results that are more often than not stellar. So I decided to switch to psychology to become either a psychologist or a therapist my sophomore year. I was encouraged to abandon my English degree since I’m a low-income minority and it’s all but taboo for a low-income person to not pursue something STEM-related to not be working minimum wage for the rest of their life. No, Liberal Arts majors were seen as purely for the privileged, the ones who can afford to “waste daddy’s money on a useless degree.”
I grew up in a predominantly white town as a black person, let alone a black female. My high school has a population of 3% black kids, and I was the only black person in my advanced/college classes and the only black person in NHS. I was always made aware of my “otherwise,” beyond my skin color, I’ve always had a very loud personality type. My therapist had long suspected that I have autism or something along those lines.
As a result, my mental health wasn’t taken seriously by anyone. No one could ever really understand my intentions or feelings, even very close friends of mine, so I never had the chance to talk it out with anyone. Even if my friends supported it, no one ever really understood it, if that makes sense. I’ve always been a social outcast even amongst other black people, so I know it’s largely a personality thing and not a race thing (though my school, is a rural small town with a majority being Republican/traditional and as a result, I’ve heard my fair share of racist comments or microaggressions.)
So I wanted to bring the gap between my race and mental health because both have affected me so much in almost all areas of my life. My journalism/Honors English teacher suggested that I look into Howard University, the “pivotal black excellence experience,” so I worked on getting accepted my entire junior year.
Now a year later, I’ve been accepted, but I’m not going. I was so excited at the end of January to be let into such a prestigious academy for people JUST like me, but there’s a large issue; the subcultures. You see, even if I were to be around black excellence, my perception of myself wouldn’t change because it’s never an issue of “not seeing people who look like me,” it’s never seeing people who ACT like me.
Howard has a lot of structural and foundational problems as well. Their graduation rates are low, the financial aid is known to be terrible, and the people there can be quite uppity (but that isn’t a Howard-specific problem, just a college problem in general) but the real kicker is that I’m essentially going to be paying a lot of money just to be an “another black person.” There’s nothing unique or intriguing about me that I feel is important enough to represent the black community. And even then, I can’t say for sure that my want to represent the community is real or if I just want to fill the void of always being the only black person in the room.
I got accepted into a very good school. It’s close to home, the financial aid is generous and the psychology field is amazing. If I play my cards right, I can essentially walk out of that school debt-free.
However, there are several issues that I’ve considered over and over again. One, the school is majority white, which isn’t an issue, it’s the fact that most if not all of them are incredibly well off. It’s no secret, it’s literally in their description when you look them up. Most of them are pretty and preppy and have perfect stats and money and friends and community. I don’t have that. They’re automated going to feel a sense of belongingness and sameness and safeness. They never look out of place, always smiling, always on top of things. The few minorities and low income that are there have proven themselves to be gifted and devoted, so the air of confidence they exude outshines the physical qualities that otherwise might make them “other.”
<p style=”text-align: left;”>They seem quiet. Polite. Invention. Accomplished. Distinguished. And most of all, neurotypical. The stats are way above my range to be completely frank. I’m autistic and if I’m not very quiet and practically a fly on the wall, I’m in your face loud. If I go to this school, I might not be able to handle the academics or the socializing, and if I can’t do that, then what right do I have to be there? I’m there on an extensive scholarship that’s merit-based and covering a LOT, so if I don’t succeed, I’ll be in debt. I have no income, no savings, no one will catch me if and when I fall.</p>
And I’m doing all this for a degree that is only good for becoming one thing, maybe two, and nothing else because it’s not generalized or broad enough go affect any day to day job like stem does. It’s clear these people are of a different caliber, and if I do poorly, it’ll reflect badly on me. I already look like a diversity hirer, I don’t want to prove anyone right by being incompetent and unable to make valuae social connections.In terms of the liberal arts field, this school outranks Howard by miles. They’re very interested in me, very tight knit and the classes are small enough for professors to get to know you and the academics are considered top rate. It’s very elitist and private, a “hidden Ivy league.” There’s pretty much no cons there. And yet I can’t help but feel uncomfortable with both Howard and this school.
Or maybe the discomfort is just me. Maybe I’m the con and will continue to be so no matter where I go.
May 1, 2024 at 9:06 am #432222anita
ParticipantDear Lulu:
As I read your post, I found much commonality with you: like you, I too wanted to be a writer, a published writer. My 2nd desire was to study psychology and become a therapist.
Like you, I didn’t feel that I belonged in any group of people. I grew up lonely, feeling isolated within my small family, within the classroom at school, in the neighborhood.. anywhere and everywhere. No one wanted to hear me, to know what was happening in my mind and heart. I remember wondering, at times when the noise of distress within me was particularly loud: how can it be that NO ONE NOTICES? NO ONE HEARS ME?
I think that it is this isolation, not being seen or heard, that was behind my motivation to .. make the whole world see me by publishing a book that would be widely read all over the world. I used to daydream about being a dancer or a movie star and be seen and admired by millions of people all over the world.
This is how unseen I felt. The thirst to be seen was huge.
I wanted to study psychology and become a psychotherapist so to understand the painful puzzle that I was to myself, and to help me and others like me.
“My mental health wasn’t taken seriously by anyone. No one could ever really understand my intentions or feelings… I’ve always been a social outcast even amongst other black people“- reads just like me, a social outcast in each and every ethnic group, in each and every group, small or big. I simply did not belong anywhere.
“I’m essentially going to be paying a lot of money just to be an ‘another black person.’ There’s nothing unique or intriguing about me“-
– I felt, while growing up and many years after, like a nobody. Someone others looked down at. I wanted to be a somebody, to be seen as a unique and intriguing person, someone like no other. Unique, in an admirable way.
“They seem quiet. Polite. Invention. Accomplished. Distinguished. And most of all, neurotypical… I’m autistic and if I’m not very quiet and practically a fly on the wall, I’m in your face loud“- this reminds me: all the years when I felt different/ abnormal in negative ways, I (wrongly) thought that I was the only one that felt that way, that everyone else (all my peers) were.. normal, that I was the exception.
What a surprise it was to me, when I realized for the first time that it was not so. There is so much trouble in so many minds and hearts. I was never the only one. It only seemed otherwise, from my point of view.
“It’s never an issue of ‘not seeing people who look like me,’ it’s never seeing people who ACT like me… In terms of the liberal arts field, this school outranks Howard by miles. They’re very interested in me“- the people in the school you are referring to here, the people who are very interested in you, they met you, they know the way you ACT, (being loud, etc., ways you perceive to be different from your peers, in a negative way), and they re very interested. How do you explain it?
“Maybe I’m the con and will continue to be so no matter where I go“- can you elaborate on this sentence?
I hope to read from you soon and reply further, if you’d like that.
anita
May 1, 2024 at 2:23 pm #432233Lulu
Participant“Maybe I’m the con and will continue to be so no matter where I go“- can you elaborate on this sentence?”
Certainly, I’ll be more than happy to elaborate.
I always felt that my issue was my environment, I think. There was always some excuse, “I’m in a predominantly white area, I’m just not the right type of personality,” to the point where it’s like, no matter where I go, I won’t fit in I think. Like, I’m just doomed essentially to always be an outcast because I’m me and not any other reason if that makes sense.
A large part of me wants to go into the psychology field to learn my place in the world both socially and mentally, and to explore a side of myself that I find uncomfortable or disconnected so that I could help others. I want, more than anything, to have a sense of normalcy and be able to not only take care and support myself, but also be a pillar for people who feel like me; out of place.
May 1, 2024 at 2:48 pm #432234anita
ParticipantDear Lulu:
“No matter where I go, I won’t fit in I think. Like, I’m just doomed essentially to always be an outcast because I’m me“- this is what I thought and felt for many years, no matter where I went, I was an outcast.. until I was not.
“A large part of me wants to go into the psychology field to learn my place in the world both socially and mentally, and to explore a side of myself that I find uncomfortable or disconnected“- if we are disconnected from others (parents, caretakers) very early on in our lives, for too long, we feel disconnected from ourselves. It is like two sides of the same coin: disconnected from others/ disconnected from oneself.
It is so because we are social animals, born that way. We have to be connected to others early on and onward, if we are to be healthy human beings.
“I want, more than anything, to have a sense of normalcy and be able to not only take care and support myself, but also be a pillar for people who feel like me; out of place.“- this is a noble purpose. I hope that you do become a pillar for people who feel like you, out of place. Maybe you and I, here on your thread, can explore ways for you to be this pillar for others sooner than later.
I am wondering, what did you think about what I typed for you in my first reply, about the commonalities I feel we have?
anita
May 1, 2024 at 6:24 pm #432241Helcat
ParticipantHi Lulu
You write beautifully! I can see why you have been accepted into two great universities. You clearly have a lot of talent.
I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had the experience of feeling like an outcast. I think that’s such a shame because you seem like an awesome person.
My hope for you is based on my experience of the world. Children don’t quite have fully developed empathy. School can be a hard place mostly because of that. There is cruelty there as a result.
As an adult, people are kinder. Perhaps this won’t be entirely visible in college, but you might start to see it in some (in others, not so much). Around the age of 25 development of empathy and emotional maturity is fully established. That is when things start to get interesting!
My guess is that whichever school you choose there will be a variety of personalities. There are many different kinds of people.
Your concerns about performance on a merit based scholarship sound sensible. But it is also an amazing opportunity to be debt free. How was your performance in lofty the later years of high school? University is very much similar to me.
The opportunity to explore your roots is enticing.
I have a question, which school is better for your field?
Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏
May 1, 2024 at 6:25 pm #432242Helcat
Participant*-lofty
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