Hey SereneWolf,

Although sometimes I think I should start taking caffeine for a better focus at during worktime. In the morning time I always look so sleepy no matter how many hours I have slept.

If you want a wake-up effect, then I guess Latte would be a poor choice, at least for me it is, because all that milk puts me to sleep rather than waking me up 🙂 That’s why I said, Latte is comfort food for me 😀

Yes I agree with you.. and it’s same like my father, my father thought even words of encouragement spoils the kids. Then hugs and kisses are far away lol

Yeah, same with my mother. No words of encouragement, no praise – that too spoils the kid. It was a kind of a Spartan upbringing…

And to be honest it’s quite common here not just for my father. But it’s surprising for me I though mother figures are mostly affectionate but I guess not in your case.

Well, she didn’t have an affectionate mother herself, so she didn’t really experience love and affection. But the saddest part is that she thought highly of her mother and never allowed any criticism of her. Even though her mother was a very critical, strict and cold parent.

My mother even blamed herself for not being a good enough daughter… so there was never even a glimmer of awareness about how bad effect her mother had on her. And unfortunately, due to that lack of awareness, she never worked on her own healing and only transferred her trauma on to me (which is how generational trauma happens).

it’s changing though (almost like since covid I think) My father would at least put his hand on my forehand when I’m working on my laptop and when I ask what he’s doing that for he’s like..To check if you got a headache or not haha

Hahaha… that’s quite a unique way to express affection. I thought he was checking whether you have fever or not 🙂 But if you feel he wants to be closer to you nowadays, but only knows how to do it in clumsy ways, well, that counts too 🙂

I’m glad you got touching type husband. You believe in 4 love languages? Because sounds like your husband’s love language is physical touch

Yeah, could be. I think Acts of service and Quality time is also what’s important to him, actually to both of us. And Words of affirmation too. Neither of us is big on gifts though, or going out to dinners and special occasions. So we more or less speak 4 love languages, and the 5th isn’t important to either of us 🙂

Yes he does appreciate me. He trust me at that level that he put his power attorney on my name. and he told me that during my lifetime I have never seen honest and humble person like you. And he did a love marriage and my aunt is also very wise lady. So he told me He’s only vulnerable with two person. One with his wife and one me. I think he’s also one of the reason I got entrepreneurial spirit.

Oh my! Your real uncle is your Uncle Iroh then!! That’s amazing! To have such a loving and caring elder – someone who appreciates you so much and trusts you – that’s such a blessing.

You should learn from him about relationships! Because you said he married out of love, to a good, smart woman. Which means it is possible, SereneWolf. He is your proof.

I just listen. I don’t try to give her solutions and when she works late after that she drinks a lot and then get all “horny drunk” then I try that she could sleep on time so she can have proper rest.

Naah I don’t think she speak up to her bosses. Because she would be texting me even while working. And watching Instagram reels while working. And she has quite a bad relationship with her parents she speaks to them only when needed.

Oh, so she’s not only smoking, but also tends to drink a lot. She has anger issues but it seems she uses alcohol to “soothe” her pain. And she likes to vent a lot and fume, but it’s only like letting out a bit of steam from a pressure cooker – she is not really working on healing her issues.

 I try that she could sleep on time so she can have proper rest.

This is similar to what you were doing in your LDR – caring about the girl’s health and that she is getting proper rest, is eating well etc. So this is the same kind of “savior” behavior with this girl too. And this girl is trouble, similar to your first LDR.

So beware of that – that you might get sucked into another savior kind of relationship, where you want to “parent” a troubled girl, who doesn’t really want to go to therapy and work on her issues. Perhaps now you would be a more compassionate and understanding parent, because you’ve worked on yourself, but nevertheless still in a parental role. And that’s not a good recipe for a relationship.

But it’s been like 5 days I haven’t even texted and neither did she

That’s good! It seems you are attracted to problematic girls, whom you want to help improve, and that’s a part of the excitement you feel about her. So be aware of that…

Hmm tbh I don’t think that was the reason. And when I’m with her I did feel that she is someone that is capable of accepting the whole me. I’m saying because the way she was talking to me and also many times she reassured me that I can have bad feelings and I can allow myself to be sad and angry in front of her. And I used to vent about things with her.

Okay, so she was able to accept you as you are, with all your good and bad sides. You didn’t need to pretend with her. And you could vent to her, and she would listen. It didn’t overwhelm her. But you see – you didn’t feel that “tension” and excitement with her that you feel now with this latest girl. And it could be because she didn’t need fixing. You even felt a little inferior to her (I remember you mentioned that).

So perhaps she was intimidating because you felt not good enough for her? And this one – the problematic girl – doesn’t feel intimidating because you feel better than her? And so you feel safe?

No judgment here – I am just asking those questions, so you could get to the bottom of the problem. Because I am seeing the same pattern as before, and perhaps now is the time to become aware of the pattern and try to break it (or rather, heal it).

Right. Totally platonic. And I did noticed that my female friends are good listeners than my male friends and kinda more empathic. So I tend to be more vulnerable with my female friends

It seems that caring, empathic girls don’t really attract you in the romantic sense – but you only stay friends with them. And then they find a guy and move on. And you are left alone. It seems like self-sabotage. A good girl, capable of emotional intimacy, isn’t attractive to you romantically. Because you are afraid of that deep vulnerability, which comes with a romantic relationship. So yeah, it all seems to be a part of the same pattern.

I’m thinking short term situationships would make me feel lighter and still have that sense of closeness with someone? Like Friend+Lover you know?

Think about it in the light of what I’ve said above. You want some closeness, but not real closeness. You want to stay on the surface. Because when you fall in love, you fall in love with problematic people, which drain you (like this latest girl has the potential to drain you). And of course, you don’t want such a relationship.

But the biggest problem is that you are afraid to fall in love with healthy people. With whom you could experience a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

and it’s also good because now I’m also capable of travelling so I’ll be changing the places frequently. … If I’d be just dating a local woman from the city that I’m staying. It’s also good for activities and time spending outside the work. So spending good time together and some sweet memories and then say see ya senorita on the next adventure…

Yeah, you want to be like a sailor, having a different woman in each port 😉 But you know it’s not the solution, SereneWolf. It’s an escape. So think about it. Your own uncle managed to have a loving, committed relationship. And he knows what love is. So… give it a thought….