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Are me and my boyfriend actually compatible

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  • #433616
    Renn
    Participant

    So, I’ve been seeing a guy for almost 6 months and in general its gone pretty well, he is funny and generally kind. He can be kind of dramatic and he gets extremely jealous which is not something I like at all.

    I think we are really different and he has grown up very priviliged. He is not snobby about this mostly, but it comes across in random ways and he struggles to understand my life style. I work a lot and I am in no way motivated by money, rather by meaningful and fun things. I believe he only really thinks things are worth doing if they give a money reward or something. I’m a very haphazard person which he definitely doesn’t align with. We don’t argue about this kind of thing but its started to get me down.

    However…  He is very jealous by nature always asking about my ex and assuming things about me which are completely out of nowhere and I have never given him any reason to believe. He also is quite judgemental and can be incredibly stroppy. I always thought it was kindof funny and a bit silly up until recently I genuinely feel like I cant tell him things because I know he will un necessarily strop over it. I really care for this guy but somethings telling me we don’t really have the same view on what is important and I don’t know if its too much of a difference to make it work…

    I really want it to work but I’m young and its getting me down. And this is his personality of course I don’t wish to change him in any way I think it might just be a compatibility thing…

    #433618
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Renn:

    Welcome back!

    You ended your original post with: “I don’t wish to change him in any way I think it might just be a compatibility thing..

    There is a Values Incompatibility between the two of you: you are in no way motivated by money, so you shared, and he is highly motivated by money.

    But there is an issue that goes beyond incompatibility, a red flag, seems to me: “He is very jealous by nature, always asking about my ex, and assuming things about me which are completely out of nowhere“-

    – this is a problem, isn’t it, to accept or endure the role of Suspect, in a relationship?

    anita

    #433629
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Renn

    I’m sorry to hear that your boyfriend is extremely jealous, moody and judgemental. It’s going to hear that he is funny and generally kind.

    Do you think that he is a net positive or negative in your life? My view is that relationships should enhance your life. If the relationship is consistently making you unhappy that is a bad thing. If it’s an occasional thing, well couples argue.

    Attempting to change someone would be a bad thing. But relationships do involve communicating boundaries and finding a compromise.

    We all have problems, unhealthy behaviours are normalised and permeate society. But what is important is if you communicate a problem, do they try to work on the things that you ask? Have you tried talking to him about any of this? I imagine it is difficult because you mentioned he can be moody and this dissuades you from talking about things. It might still be important to try if you haven’t already.

    You are young and it is okay if you don’t feel like you are compatible. There are going to be plenty more opportunities for both of you out there. You don’t have to force it, sometimes you can care for someone and even love them and they can still be the wrong person for you.

    What do your feelings tell you? The most important thing is to listen to yourself. Quite often people already know how they feel.

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #433630
    Helcat
    Participant

    *It’s good to hear

    #433633
    Renn
    Participant

    Hi anita! thank you for your reply 🙂

    yeah it is quite a problem. to be honest even last night we actually did have a massive argument over him calling me stupid.  He says he didn’t mean that i was stupid just that i had done a stupid thing. all it was that i didn’t eat much that day because i was stressed. he started calling me childish and saying a bunch of stuff like how he didn’t think we were friends and that we were just bf and gf. it was quite sad really. I really do love him and he is just looking out for me but i don’t think he really goes about it in the way i personally would…

    I hate the whole suspecting thing, it makes me feel like i’ve done something wrong when i havent at all. i think i probably need to have a real sit down and think about this stuff. I do find it hard when i know i really care about him but maybe we arent similar at all and maybe i don’t suit him that well.

    – Renn

    #433634
    Renn
    Participant

    Hi Helcat,

    you’re absolutely right about the hard to bring it up thing. i didn’t really realise this but i don’t bring things up because i know he will be funny about it all.

    you don’t have to force it, sometimes you can care for someone and even love them and they can still be the wrong person for you.

    i so agree with you here. it’s quite a sad thought for me though and i never really know if i should be listening to my head or my heart and i don’t even know if my head and my heart are pointing the same way or not.

    its going to be really hard for me next year because he is leaving college but i am still here, and i think i can deal with it and be perfectly good at communicating but i know he will get more and more funny about everything since he wont be with me when i do things you know? i guess i probably know how i really feel deep down but i am really finding it hard to work out what it is that i actually think. That might sound stupid haha, i just think i spend a lot of time convincing myself things so now i have no idea what my ‘gut feeling’ actually is telling me…

    Thanks for your reply

    – Renn

     

    #433656
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Renn

    It is possible to feel whole complete and lovable without being in a relationship. A relationship should compliment your life, nurturing with out being stifled, fun with some depth of meaning & room for give and take.

    To find out what your heart, head & gut are trying to tell you find a quiet relaxing safe space close your eyes take some deep slow calming breaths and imagine yourself in five years time ie your job where your living, hobbies etc  be aware how you are feeling are your hands open or closed is your face relaxed & smiling?    and then add in your bf into the mix, note now how your body feels, if it is shrinking or tensing  or bracing itself in anyway then it is probably time to draw a line on this relationship.

    Best wishes

    Roberta

    #433661
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Renn:

    (I am adding the boldface feature selectively  to your quotes): “Even last night we actually did have a massive argument over him calling me stupid. He says he didn’t mean that I was stupid, just that I had done a stupid thing. All it was, that I didn’t eat much that day because I was stressed. He started calling me childish and saying a bunch of stuff, like how he didn’t think we were friends and that we were just bf and gf”-

    – he is an ANGRY young man who expresses his anger through name calling and accusations, like a child throwing an anger tantrum, telling you: You are Stupid! You are Childish! You are Not my Friend!

    “I really do love him and he is just looking out for me“- do you mean that him calling you names and throwing temper tantrums equals to him looking out for you? Or is it that you really do love him, so you prefer to think of his misbehavior as looking out for you?

    “but I don’t think he really goes about it in the way I personally would“- you personally do not call him stupid, childish, etc.?

    I hate the whole suspecting thing, it makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong when I haven’t at all… I really care about him“- if you start a relationship with a suspicious man who distrusts you, and you stay long enough, sooner or later, you start distrusting yourself.

    I never really know if I should be listening to my head or my heart and I don’t even know if my head and my heart are pointing the same way or not… I probably know how I really feel deep down, but I am really finding it hard to work out what it is that I actually think… I have no idea what my ‘gut feeling’ actually is telling me“-

    – Here are a few possibilities of what your gut is trying to tell you. Please read when you are calm, and let me know if any (or what combination) of the following rings true to you, and elaborate on what feels true to you:

    1) I really love him, I don’t want to ever let him go.

    2) One day he’ll trust me and being with him will be wonderful.

    3) It’d be a dream come true to turn someone who is angry at me, into someone who is loving me.

    4) He loves much, no one else will love me that much. He will never leave me.

    anita

    #433681
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Renn

    I’m sorry to hear that you had an argument with your boyfriend because he called you stupid and childish. Well done on standing up for yourself. It’s good to see that when you feel he goes too far you don’t back down. I know it sucks having disagreements though. Has there been a resolution to the argument yet?

    I’m sorry that he said you aren’t friends. I imagine that hurt you? I know that I would be hurt by that. I think friendship is really important in a relationship.

    You are right, it sounds like he cares about you taking care about yourself when you are stressed but he goes about it in the wrong way. It’s not very helpful for someone who is already stressed for someone to make negative comments like that. I don’t think you’re stupid or childish. It sounds like he doesn’t understand anxiety. I get the same thing and stop eating when I’m stressed. It’s not a good habit though and it is important to try to eat even when we don’t want to. It can actually help to balance mood by increasing your blood sugar. If you don’t feel like eating something, try sucking on a sweet or a tablespoon of honey and see if that helps.

    Personally, I think that listening to the heart is more important than the head. But I will say that it doesn’t just mean how you feel about the relationship it includes how you feel about yourself. How the relationship makes you feel about yourself is the most telling thing.

    Another thing that helps me to decide is, does how I feel right now in disagreements match how I feel and know my partner to be on a regular basis? I have trauma so that makes me feel a lot worse than I should during disagreements.

    I see, that would be difficult being in a long distance relationship with someone who is jealous. I would imagine that the distance would make him feel more jealous and insecure instead of less.

    It is sad letting go of someone you love because things aren’t a good fit. But the pain doesn’t last forever and there are other people more suitable to love who can also reciprocate those feelings in healthy ways. I guess I think protecting yourself and loving yourself is more important than loving someone else. It is hard to love yourself if you put your needs below someone else. Things need to be equal. Do you feel that he loves you as much as you love him?

    You mentioned that you convince yourself of things. What kinds of things do you convince yourself of?

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #433682
    Helcat
    Participant

    I forgot to add, jealousy is about his own insecurities and I would imagine nothing to do with you. Possibly he was cheated on in the past or his parents experienced cheating?

    #433756
    Tommy
    Participant

    Dear Renn,

    From the male perspective, money is a thing which needs to be kept in mind. For it is the responsibility of the man to provide and care for the family. Can’t do that without the help of money. So, it becomes a little more important to him than it is to you. So, different values, especially if he comes from a family with some money. The one thing no one teaches us about money. When taking out a loan or using credit cards, the money should be used to buy assets. Things that pay for itself and the loan. Don’t worry if it is returning spendable income. It’s value will grow. Just make sure it pays for itself.

    As for the jealousy, women are so much prettier. And men value women on a different scale. It becomes easy to see women cheat. Statistically, women initiate divorce about 80% of the time. And most women say that they were done with the marriage months before it actually ended. Men have no notion of this until the divorce papers are handed to them. Marriage? Yeah, a little ahead of myself.

    Jealousy is the fear the man is not good enough for the woman that the woman will leave them. It doesn’t make it right. Just the way some men are. They do not feel worthy enough. So there is fear the woman will leave him. It is ingrained in the way family was raised. I personally do not have this cause I grew up in a family that had no secrets nor any cheating. Can this be changed? The more beautiful you are .. the harder it is to convince him there is no chance of it. Cause other men will hit on you. And, then the possibility of you cheating,…. Stupid? Yes, men are stupid. Emotionally stunted.

    It isn’t so much about love as it is about communication. If it is easy to talk and get through to each other then the better the relationship will be. If you can’t talk then feelings of love won’t make the relationship good. It only hides the turmoil that is about to come. To answer the question if you are compatible with your boyfriend, you will find many men are similar to your boyfriend. The chances that he will change is slim to none. Jealousy doesn’t just disappear. And you do not know how to handle that. You do not seem to know how to teach him that jealousy is hurting you cause you feel he does not trust you. And a relationship without trust can not survive. I wish you well and good luck in the future. No matter what you decide to do, I hope it works out for the best.

    Tommy

    #434135
    Rosie
    Participant

    Hi

    I note Tommy’s comment above- unless you are forced to live in a traditional society it isn’t generally viewed as a man’s role to ‘provide’. (I’m nearly 60, a doctor and in the UK). Money is important to survive, but evidence suggests that above a certain level it doesn’t bring more happiness.

    Values are crucial in any relationship, whether intimate or not.
    Jealousy means the man views you as his and is concerned that he is not good enough to keep you. Fair enough if you start spending masses of time with an interested special other, but a red flag otherwise.
    ‘Stroppy’ and ‘judgemental’ – sounds like he has a lot of work to do on maturing (and that isn’t necessarily an age thing!)
    You know that you can’t change him and it doesn’t sound as though he’s prepared to do the work on his issues.
    Move on, work on developing yourself in line with your values and that will attract the sort of people who deserve to be with you in mature, trusting relationships.
    Sending a hug.
    Rosie

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