Hey Anita, I am well. I hope you have been nice, healthy, and peaceful and continue to be like that.

I remember reading your last answer a couple times since it made all the sense. There has been many new stuff, but mostly, it’s still the same. I hope you are well. I kept my sanity by looking/watching horoscopes actually! Funny. I have been trying to find a solution to my job issue and have been also continuing the bureaucracy about my bf moving in with me and getting a visa, they declined him. Then I had to go back, urgently, and even though it is not possible to arrange everything in 3 days, (it takes months sometimes to find a date), we managed to make the impossible possible and got married in just a few days and I rushed back, to use that for him to come. Still waiting for that to happen (10 months in long distance, i think we’re dealing with it well) In the same time, I am also trying to find new solutions, freelance gigs like i did in the past. Have conversations and contacts that I am trying to feed little by little, giving everyone a piece of effort so it can flourish to be a business deal of some sort. There has been some people/companies that let me down after giving me hope, but that’s alright.

The most tiring thing is the long process and keeping the chin up, I guess. Sometimes I just want to lay down for months but that’s not an option. I am giving my full effort not to look desperate, because that doesn’t help when you are looking for solutions and jobs, trying to look my best for each meetup and meeting. Creating some stuff over the days. All in all, we’re doing out best, separately, sometimes I am encouraging him and sometimes he does that to me. I never hold in when I feel like crying, i feel like if i hide something, that would harm me a lot. So just letting myself flow, of course not with everyone, just with him and on my own.

I have been feeling how far I’ve come, honestly. I can see how my mind is changing, and how fast I am growing. Even though I am on my own and I do feel like I live comfortably, in a lucky flat, that can make me think that I am still lucky but I still struggle and try to keep myself on track, keep on trying. Because I didn’t want to give up just yet. Building a life is not easy.

In all the things that are happening, upsetting me one way or another, business things are not the most hurtful one. I am not taking that personally, at all. It’s like, as if the life is making me do the hard thing. It’s like, I am not able to find a comfy thing. I was expecting to find a stable job, and just keep it simple. But as I see, that’s not possible for me, for now. I am not able to land on something simple and just be, I have to build something in some way. I have to take the highroad and do something on my own, or with partners, maybe. I also applied for a masters degree here and got accepted, that was something out of blue, and i now feel like I have to make it possible to stay here to complete that while working.

so there’s that.

i don’t know how logical for me to see things that way, not sure. I might be acting a bit delusional when it comes to seeing all those rejections and bad luck-sort of, as a re-direction for me. I would like to be working for someone else’s company, brand. But that’s not happening, even though I am offering everything they need, for some reason that is not happening at all. lol. so just trying to see things from a different perspective.

and aside from all the things, i have been thinking about friends as well. I have been realizing some shifts in my friendships, and some of the people i cared for, helped in my old life, are not being nice with me because i stopped caring for them without being asked. It’s like, since I stopped doing what I did, they thought I was being distant. But maybe I didn’t have time and the energy, so why not care for me this time instead of focusing on yourself?

Also have been thinking about specific people, and trying to figure out what’s happening. But that’s not a good thing for me to keep my mind busy about, but it just happens. If I were to find out, maybe I would stop. But it’s the doubt that keeps me going. For instance, a friend that has been giving me some mixed signals within the texts, confuses me. She asked me months and months back, “What is holding you there? Why not quit? Why do you stand there and hold all the stress, and keep trying? Is it really worth it?” Then I couldn’t really process and told her that this is not something we can know for sure and we just have to keep trying or keep waiting to find out. She didn’t like my answer, and thought I was being distant. But I really didn’t like her question then. It wasn’t a question I liked to talk about, i was in a hard position and all I need was positivity. Not someone that would tell me all the negative stuff I would already calculated in my mind. I wouldn’t want that from a friend.

I have faced that and got a response that those were not written in bad intentions at all. Then replied with what that made me feel. She even told me that I was being touchy, because maybe I was distant from everyone else and alone. When I am not happy with some comment I got, and when a friend is not being careful with me when I need the care the most, especially when I did that for them in the past, the fact that she told me that “maybe I am misunderstanding because I am alone” was not for me. Instead of taking accountability, she blamed me for being touchy.

All in all, we got it resolved, or that’s what I thought.

I still feel like she has those feelings that I cannot quite understand. I don’t like when people see living abroad as a very big privilege. It’s actually not, and I have known that before, guessed that, listened stories about that. So when I came here, I didn’t have pink dreams. I knew that things would be hard. And when people have that type of mind, ideas when talking with me, I try to give them a real point of view. Maybe I’ve done that too many times and some friends thought I was miserable? I don’t know. I would rather be sincere and not fake anything. But then I tried to express positive stuff too. It’s like she is ignoring or even not looking at what I express, in a positive way. Not knowing intentions, makes you confused. I think I really care what she thinks but cannot figure out what’s happening, that’s all. If I had a clue on she might be jealous or something, that would’ve been relaxing me but that’s also not the case. I don’t think she is kind of person to be jealous.

stuff like that, i catch myself not seeing things clearly here, so it’s been making my mind busy on some level.