Hello Arie,

Expectation brings suffering. Your son is your continuation, but it doesn’t mean that he is YOU.

Let me show you the other side… I am a heterosexual woman and I won’t have any children, either. My partner is a cancer survivor and cannot have children after radical chemotherapy. I am very happy (and lucky) that he survived and I can still be with him. My mother cannot understand how I can be with someone who can’t have children, because for her as an only child, having children is the most important thing in life… but even though I am her continuation, her daughter (and I accept that and I love her), my dreams, wishes and purpose of life are different. I mean… Don’t judge your son for wanting to be happy in his own way. You don’t bring up children to be a mother/father, heterosexual/homosexual, a christian, a buddhist, a lawyer, a teacher, … you should bring up children to be healthy and happy people. The rest is THEIR decision.

And I agree with Helcat. This might have been a shock for you. Give yourself time, relax and mainly be happy that your son trusts you and that’s why he confided in you and that because of that he can be much happier now.

Dear Arie:

A short walk on memory lane: the first time we communicated was in your first thread, on Feb 16, 2022, and the last time was on Aug 2, 2024. I think that the first time you mentioned your two sons was on Jan 5, 2023: “My son ended up in the hospital but is doing well now.  He lives with his dad and brother.  They are both older and in college“.

June 4, 2023 (9 months into your current, 2nd marriage): “I am planning on a second vacation with my 2 sons from my previous marriage. My sons are older. College age.  They absolutely love my husband and he loves them“.

May 21, 2024:  “My husband and I divorced 3 years ago.  I am now re-married and my ex husband is re-married also“, Nov 10, 2024:

June 29, 2024: ” My sister n law invited me and my 2 grown boys who are 20 and 24 over to swim and to have a cook out a week ago… I had arrived with my youngest son and my oldest arrived a little later… Her sister’s bf started to be very obnoxious and loud.  Lots of profanity… He directed that conversation to my youngest son who is 20… My son can’t stand this guy at all. ..My son mumbled f-you to the bf several times.   I had told my son to be quiet, but he doesn’t care.  He is like me in so many ways… My oldest son and youngest son had left because they had plans with their friends later on that day… For someone to tell me and my kids to f off, that’s telling my whole family to f off and I will never in my life forgive someone like that“.

My understanding: you have two boys from a long-term marriage (more than 20 years), divorced in 2020, and remarried in Sept 2023. You live with your current husband, and your two adult sons live/ lived with their father and his live- in fiancée. You are involved in their lives and seems like you are closer to your younger son (20) who takes after you standing up to offending people, as he took your side during that pool party. The two of you are protective of each other.

And now, to your current thread, which is about your younger son: when you got divorced from his father (2020), he “had a hard time dealing with the divorce to the point where he needed therapy. He even had thoughts of suicide“. You and his father helped him through that difficult time, and he adjusted to the divorce. At first, he lived with his father (and from one point on, with his father’s fiancée as well), and older brother, and currently, he lives in a dorm he shares with roommates while attending college.

“He and I are very close. Every week I take him to dinner and we  talk about school and then go visit my parents or go do some shopping.  He is very open about everything.  He is also the type where he takes no crap from anyone and will tell you how it is. Two days ago… He said ‘mom…I will just tell you. I am bi…  I think I like guys more. I didn’t get upset or angry at him.  I said… awe honey… its ok.  I just want you to be happy…. I dropped him off at his dorm and hugged him and told him I am always here for him and that I love him no matter what because he is my son. I came home and told my husband.  I broke down and sobbed. ..It just hurts because his dad and I did not bring him up like this to be bi.  I keep thinking that maybe this is just a phase since he is in college… Deep down I keep hoping that this is a phase, but I don’t know. I just feel so sad and I am struggling to come to terms with this.“-

– first, C o N g R a T u L a T i O n S  for putting your feelings aside and telling him just what he needed to hear: that you love him unconditionally. It seems to me that he’s been very open with you about everything, including about his sexual orientation because he trusted that you love him unconditionally. Reads to me that you have been a good, supportive and loving mother all along.

Here is what I read online (Copilot) in regard to the topics and concerns you brought up in this thread: “While some individuals may experience shifts in their attractions or identities, others may have a more consistent sexual orientation throughout their lives… Some studies have found that women may report more fluidity in their sexual orientation compared to men. However, this does not mean that all women will experience changes in their orientation, nor does it imply that men’s orientations are fixed…

“College may provide a more supportive environment for exploration, which can lead to changes in how individuals identify… Sexual orientation is generally considered to be a stable aspect of a person’s identity. While some individuals might explore and better understand their sexual orientation during college, it’s not common for someone to change their orientation after coming out as gay or bi… Everyone’s journey with their sexual orientation is unique. Some people might experience fluidity in their attractions over time, but this doesn’t mean their orientation changes fundamentally. It’s more about gaining a deeper understanding of oneself.

“When a son comes out as gay or bi, a mother’s response can significantly impact his emotional well-being and the strength of their relationship. Here are some supportive ways to respond: 1. Listen and Validate: Give him your full attention and listen without interrupting. Validate his feelings and experiences by acknowledging his courage in sharing this part of his identity.

“2. Express Love and Acceptance: Reassure him that your love and support are unconditional. Let him know that his sexual orientation does not change your feelings for him.

“3. Ask How You Can Support: Ask him how you can best support him during this time. This shows that you respect his needs and are willing to be there for him in the way he needs.

“4. Educate Yourself: Take the initiative to learn more about LGBTQ+ issues and experiences. This can help you better understand his perspective and provide informed support.

“5. Respect His Privacy: Allow him to decide who else to tell and when. Respect his privacy and avoid sharing his news with others without his consent.

“6. Be Patient: Understand that this might be a process for both of you. Be patient with yourself as you navigate your feelings and any questions you might have.

“7. Seek Support: If you need support or have questions, consider reaching out to LGBTQ+ support groups or resources. They can provide valuable information and a community of understanding.

“8. Celebrate His Authenticity: Celebrate his courage to be true to himself. Acknowledge the importance of living authentically and the strength it takes to come out”.

Is this helpful?

Back in March 7, 2022, you wrote: “I am an over thinker and think the worst“- remember that this is your tendency, and that therefore, when things appear to be bad, they are likely not as bad as you think and feel, and maybe not bad at all. Try to look at situations from different angles and see the bigger picture. For example, in this situation, because your son takes after you and stands up to offending people (the pool party situation), he is not likely to engage in an abusive relationship, be it with a man or a woman: this is an encouraging, promising angle, isn’t it?

anita