Home→Forums→Relationships→I am having guilt-related familial issues with a guy I’m about to date
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November 12, 2024 at 2:26 pm #439300LuluParticipant
So I’m a college freshman talking to 17M, a white guy who’s a senior in high school. We’re both very autistic, love video games, and have talked every day since July. In October, we both acknowledged we had feelings for each other, and he said he wanted to stay by my side. We’ve yet to meet in person. However, we only ever met once in high school when I was a junior and he was a sophomore, but we didn’t know each other. We first met in May of this year and have become friends to even closer. We have plans to meet in person very soon.
We make very dark jokes, (nothing about racism, homophobia, etc) but self-deprecating humor that’s meant to make each other uncomfortable without it being targeted if that makes sense, (i.e him giving me bruises or me pretending to audition at the high school play by wearing someone else’s skin since I’m already graduated.)
Anyhow, we had a bit of a miscommunication that resulted in my mother and aunt telling me to leave him behind. However, I heard him out and gave him a chance. This was on October 30th while I was in the hospital with my sister, and we’d been going strong since. I was anxious about ignoring my family’s input, but I trusted my boyfriend and pushed it aside. However, my family wasn’t aware I started talking to him again. I had faith that they would be ok with me dating him because he legitimately didn’t mean for that miscommunication to happen.
Two days later, however, my little sister passed away from cancer. I already told him my feelings on it, about how I wanted him to stay upbeat for me and maintain a sense of normalcy. He said he would be everything I needed and agreed to keep up a good face for me. I said we should keep up with the jokes, the laughter, and everything in between so that I didn’t feel as sad.
A week later, I got into an argument with my dad, who hadn’t been there for my sister’s entire treatment, and I told him that I would kill him for not being there for my family. I told the guy I’m talking to what I had done and he seemed uncomfortable, but understanding. He said my anger was understandable.
Nine days pass by. I go over to my aunt’s house, who’s like a second mother to me, someone who’s been VERY torn about the passing of my sister. My aunt has done EVERYTHING for me, from spending thousands of dollars on me to fighting tooth and nail to defend me. She’s been there my entire life, and I seriously admire and respect her. She’s the one who cried for days over my sister, the one who paid thousands upon thousands of dollars for her treatment, who has struggled to make sure I have EVERYTHING I do now. I’m incredibly loyal to my family, more than anything else. However, I never explained any of this to my boyfriend until it was too late.
Anyhow, when I went over to her house, we got into a disagreement that ended with me feeling bitter. I ended up complaining about how much my auntie was being kind and rude to me to my boyfriend and how hard it is being autistic since she doesn’t understand me. He texted me over Instagram to “kill her” and then followed it up with, “to save face.” I know he wasn’t being serious, but it still REALLY messed me up.
I was kind of shocked and said, “Babe,” and then he immediately followed it up with, “Just kidding.” I went on a rant about how much I love and respect my aunt, even if she’s mean to me sometimes, and that the joke made me uncomfortable.
He then goes on about how unfamiliar it is that I’m close with my family since the people in his life don’t like theirs. He said he and his friends often make jokes about how much they don’t like their families. He said he really wanted my family to like him and that he wouldn’t joke like that again. He says he often jokes “kill them,” whenever a minor inconvenience happens to his friends, and while I get the merit in that, I’m still very nervous.
The crazy thing is that I’ve (jokingly) threatened his father, whom he vehemently described his annoyance and resentment for. I’ve threatened the same thing to his friends for being nosy. I said that his mother and his stepfather are emotionally unintelligent because of how they treat them. I’ve jokingly threatened him before if he messed up on his high school play performance. I’ve told him to “go die in a fire,” after he made a purposely corny joke. I’ve joked this way about almost everyone in his life and it was never an issue with him, and he was never jokingly violent back. Only these instances were all before my sister’s passing.
He hasn’t done the same. He hasn’t said anything negative about my family; if anything, he’s been very positive and supportive of me. The thing I’m wondering is how my aunt and my mother would respond. This is such a vulnerable time with my family, and I know for a fact they wouldn’t be understanding. I feel incredibly guilty.
When I told him my problem with the joke, he apologized immediately. I then later told him that we shouldn’t joke about our family members dying anymore and he completely understood and said he wouldn’t.
Everything is resolved. He said he wouldn’t joke like that again. He understood my guilt and feelings. But I can’t help but feel like I’m betraying my mother and aunt, who are very close to me and are dealing with their own grief. They already had a bad feeling about him, and I know for a fact that this would send them over. I’m already keeping him a secret, but now I have to keep the fact that we joke like this a secret as well.
I’m trying hard to move on from it. I know I’m being hypocritical—I’ve joked EVEN WORSE than he did, but this feels so much different. I don’t want to break up with him, especially not over something I’ve also done, but there’s a nagging pit in my stomach about how my mother and aunt were right that I shouldn’t have contacted him again. What should I do? Should I have moved on? Is it just not meant to be, especially while I’m grieving.
November 13, 2024 at 8:07 am #439321HelcatParticipantHi Lulu
I think that it is probably not a good idea to share his inappropriate joke with your family.
What was the miscommunication that made them not like him in the first place?
Assuming that they are overreacting to the miscommunication possibly due to everything that has been going on with your sister, I think that it’s good for you that you have your boyfriend there to support you. It is nice that you are both autistic and can understand each other in that special way.
It is clear how much you love and value your family and I don’t think that you are betraying them. You have put some clear boundaries in place and your boyfriend apologised.
I don’t even think that you are trying to hide him, just that with everything that has been going on it isn’t the right time to share that with them. I’m sure that you will share that you are talking again when the time is right.
You are doing your best to cope with the situation at hand and you do deserve to have someone who is there for you.
Once again, I’m sorry for your family’s loss.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
November 13, 2024 at 8:19 am #439324LuluParticipant“Hi, Lulu, I think that it is probably not a good idea to share his inappropriate joke with your family. What was the miscommunication that made them not like him in the first place?”
Good morning Hellcat (or evening, lol, I’m not sure because of the time differences), but the miscommunication was that my old therapist had been telling his son, who’s the same age as me, my business, and he was then spreading it around the school. My boyfriend is friends with that son and I thought he had had a hand in spreading that information around. I told my mother and aunt and they told me that it was likely he was fine and even helping to spread that sensitive information, but I found out that he had been the only one defending me, not spreading it.
I tried to communicate this with my mother and aunt, but they said it was best to leave him behind because they believed he was being two-faced, and he’s still in high school. My aunt was particularly adamant about leaving him behind since she was concerned that his friends were talking terribly about me and reporting my old therapist. I managed to convince her that it wasn’t his fault since he was 17 and my therapist was a grown man who breached my security. For now, they staved off on side eyeing him, but I know for certain that if they knew the joke, they would be angry at him and me for not saying anything.
He’s genuinely a really good partner. We text all day, every day, and he’s always showering me with compliments and being an incredibly good support. I just wish he hadn’t made that joke because I thought that so long as he continued doing that, he could “earn” the trust of my family. But that joke feels like another nail in that coffin.
I have no intention of telling my family about the joke. It would be hypocritical; I have joked similarly about his father and his friends, and even worse because I DIRECTLY said I was going to do it. I was joking, but it just feels like a terrible time right now.
My aunt is involved in my life, dating or otherwise, and she has very strong opinions about hanging out with the “right” people. I just know that if this got out, she’d be angry. Even though I have no intention of sharing the joke, I feel incredibly guilty for keeping that a secret.
It’s to the point where I can’t text or contact him without feeling that pang of guilt or imagining that look of anger or hurt on my mother and aunt’s face. They take crime very seriously, and threats even more so. I just know that they’ll be telling me that it’s possible that it’s not a joke or that he’s an actual threat even though I feel otherwise. I just wish I didn’t feel such a heavy pang of guilt. My family loves and values me and I want to do everything I can to ensure that I’m not compromising that.
November 13, 2024 at 8:31 am #439326RobertaParticipantHi Lulu
Whether you stay with your boyfriend or not is up to you. I guess you are now taking stock of the way you communicate. Things said out loud or written as obvious but there is also the tone & content of internal dialogue. Most people especially when we are young are not actively circumspect about what they say. Think Say Do is how we operate a lot of the time, this chain reaction can happen in seconds. ie tummy rumbles Think I am Hungry, Say internally I fancy a sandwich, Do make & eat the sandwich.
If we are glib about hurting ourselves & others it can slowly erode our ability to be kind & compassionate to ourselves & others. Words do have power.
Roberta
November 13, 2024 at 8:37 am #439327LuluParticipant[quote quote=439326]Hi Lulu Whether you stay with your boyfriend or not is up to you. I guess you are now taking stock of the way you communicate. Things said out loud or written as obvious but there is also the tone & content of internal dialogue. Most people especially when we are young are not actively circumspect about what they say. Think Say Do is how we operate a lot of the time, this chain reaction can happen in seconds. Ie tummy rumbles Think I am Hungry, Say internally I fancy a sandwich, Do make & eat the sandwich. If we are glib about hurting ourselves & others it can slowly erode our ability to be kind & compassionate to ourselves & others. Words do have power. Roberta.
Hi Roberta, I’m afraid I’m not quite certain what you mean. Would you mind elaborating a bit more so I can give you my thoughts?
November 13, 2024 at 8:40 am #439328LuluParticipantHi Roberta. It took me a little while, but I finally understand what you’re saying.
My only question is what I do from now. I do really want to stay with him, but I just can’t shake that guilt. It’s only been that one problem, so I think I’d be able to get over it, but it’s a question of if I need to be more intentful I suppose.
November 13, 2024 at 8:47 am #439329HelcatParticipantHi Lulu
Wow that is quite a serious incident with that old therapist. The therapist should be reported for revealing sensitive confidential patient information to family which resulted in a case of bullying. It is a very serious incident indeed and breaches patient data protection laws.
I don’t think that it is your boyfriend’s fault though. He did a good job in defending you. Even his friend spreading rumours is just a young idiot.
I think in regards to crime, the crime was committed by your old therapist, not your boyfriend. Perhaps it might actually put your family at ease if the incident with the therapist was reported since they take crime very seriously.
I can understand feeling guilty and wanting the approval of your family to speak to him. Perhaps a middle ground would be to plan when you would like to tell your family that you two are in communication again? That way you don’t feel like you are keeping a secret anymore.
What are your thoughts about this?
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
November 13, 2024 at 11:51 am #439335LuluParticipantThe thing is that I feel guilty sharing that I’m talking to him with the additional knowledge of the fact that I’m hiding the joke as well Helcat.
November 13, 2024 at 12:40 pm #439337RobertaParticipantDear Lulu
I guess your mum & Aunt are very protective of you because you are autistic and now that your sister has tragically passed away they will be even more protective. Which makes it hard for you to have a voice of your own when it comes to romantic relationships. Secrets put us in a mind state of fear and the guilt is putting a barrier between you & your family It maybe productive to have a general conversation with them about how hard it is for people with your condition to have a relationship as many people do not understand your needs & modes of thinking. This may get them thinking about how compatible M17 is for you.
November 13, 2024 at 1:11 pm #439339anitaParticipantDear Lulu:
“My aunt has done EVERYTHING for me, from spending thousands of dollars on me to fighting tooth and nail to defend me. She’s been there my entire life, and I seriously admire and respect her… I’m incredibly loyal to my family, more than anything else… It’s to the point where I can’t text or contact him without feeling that pang of guilt or imagining that look of anger or hurt on my mother and aunt’s face.. My family loves and values me and I want to do everything I can to ensure that I’m not compromising that“- if I was you, Lulu, given the quote here, I too would do everything I could to be worthy of my aunt’s love and trust.
I would explain things further to your aunt, see if she changes her mind over time. I would explain things (your guilt, your loyalty) to your boyfriend, not accusing him of anything and being kind to him, and plan on a month-long break from contacting and texting each other, a break to be re-evaluated in a month.
anita
November 13, 2024 at 1:33 pm #439343LuluParticipant“I would explain things further to your aunt, see if she changes her mind over time. I would explain things (your guilt, your loyalty) to your boyfriend, not accusing him of anything and being kind to him, and plan on a month-long break from contacting and texting each other, a break to be re-evaluated in a month.”
This sounds like a good plan, but I’m not sure if I could bare at the moment. He’s been the only person my age that I’ve been able to talk to. He still makes me feel good and I know he cares for me.
<p style=”text-align: center;”>I want to do both. I want to be there for my family and also maintain a good relationship with him. I’ve told him about everything my aunt has done and he was remorseful. I honestly think it’s on me for joking in that way and then giving him the wrong idea.</p>November 13, 2024 at 1:40 pm #439347LuluParticipantSorry if it sounds like I’m making excuses Anita, but I genuinely do like him. He’s kind and funny. And I know he cares about me. Ever since my sister passed, he’s been the one person I can bear a conversation with. He makes me laugh. He’s always thinking of me. He legitimately cares about me and he shows it.
That’s why I feel so guilty. It feels like I’m snapping at him for something I’ve done, because that’s exactly what I did. I did the same thing to him, but even worse because it was multiple people. He gets me. He keeps me in his heart. He cheers me up. He’s been the few consistent things in my life.
My family means so much to me. And so does he. I just want both. It doesn’t feel fair that I cannot have both, especially right now. I want my family to love and value him as much as me.
November 13, 2024 at 2:10 pm #439352anitaParticipantDear Lulu: I will reply further later.
anita
November 13, 2024 at 4:45 pm #439360HelcatParticipantHi Lulu
Well the reason you haven’t told your family is because you are afraid that they will be unreasonable. You have a couple of options. Decide to tell them that you are both talking again. Or to tell them everything. One will make them a bit upset and the other will make them more upset. You could see this boy regardless. You are an adult, they can’t stop you, but they can make your life difficult.
There is another factor to consider as well. Racial prejudice. As a person in a multiracial relationship, very few chances are given to partners in relationships where a family has racial prejudice. It is sadly very common. I don’t know if your family suffers from this kind of thing? Sorry for bringing up such an idea, if you don’t think it is a possibility.
I don’t think that you are unworthy of their love and respect if you decide to choose the first option. You are always worthy of their love and respect regardless of what you choose.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
November 13, 2024 at 4:50 pm #439361anitaParticipantDear Lulu:
“I want to do both. I want to be there for my family and also maintain a good relationship with him… I genuinely do like him… Ever since my sister passed, he’s been the one person I can bear a conversation with… He legitimately cares about me and he shows it… He cheers me up. He’s been the few consistent things in my life. My family means so much to me. And so does he“- I am getting a better idea in r3egard to how important he is to you, and I think that you should have both: his friendship and your aunt’s and mother’s support. if you explained to them just wat you explained here.. won’t they understand that it will be good for you to have him in your life?
anita
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