Note: This post is not about a big problem, might not be that important. But I really needed to get these out of my chest and have a chill chat about what’s been annoying me. I know there are amazing people here that helps others, I was also helped out a lot, about stuff that I felt so awful about. This is not that post, if you don’t have time, feel free to pass by. Best.

A topic that got me thinking in these past 10 years maybe, is friends. Especially, girlfriends. But friends, yes.

In the past, I thought that there would be that amazing friendship or a group that I will love a lot, trust a lot and enjoy my time with them a lot. I came to realize that was a fantasy and not gonna happen. You just learn to see everyone with their differences, some people are selfish, some are a bit weird, some can be ignorant, etc, etc. And you try to see that and act accordingly maybe, accept them for who they are. Protect yourself if you can. Go flow, enjoy, discuss or share. Do whatever.

That was my last conclusion before my life changed, and by change, I mean most things, maybe.

I was available, for my friends’ vulnerable times. For their couple fights, I was around. If she needed to lie her mother, I was there. If she needed to study I was there. Also my friends were there for me at times.

But my first let down happened when I moved on to university, a different faculty than my group, I started working a lot. They were not working, just studying. And when it’s time to get back to our hometown, I used to use those times for my work and earn money. I was so not getting any understanding from them. Instead they were being harsh to me and saying I was finding excuses to neglect them. In the end, that didn’t work out and that group broke up with me, those girls moved on together and I moved on alone.

I saw old screenshots from the past, mistakenly saved, and actually saw how they were harsh to me when I ditched school and felt depressed. No understanding. And I was in a needy mood, I am not proud of my state back then. Could’ve been more upright towards them. I was not, I was trying to explain my state. Shouldn’t have.

This has happened again. The girlfriend group I was able to create, with flaws from everyone including myself, was okay. Then I started to see those patterns again. I was available for them, and when I wasn’t available for once, I was getting a bad attitude. Not okay, and fortunately(?) or unfortunately, I came to a period in my life where my life required my full attention. I had to change where i live, where i work, everything about me was requiring so much work all of a sudden. I was working two jobs and my landlord got rid of me. I was also in a relationship, so pretty busy.

Therefore I stopped being available for their pains. I was not asking, if they tell me, they were telling when they could find me. Gradually, I was being less available each day. I stopped telling about my relationship to them, for two different reasons. I didn’t want to brag anything, or complain. And I was afraid of any bad comments that would be affecting my mind.

Now I am away, physically and mentally. I kind of know that they feel that too, given how much less info I am getting now. I am not there and trying to find solutions for them anymore. I left them to their pain and focused on my own. But a backlash happened from the most selfish friend I had, when I wasn’t able to “fully” focus on her hustle idea. Now I feel like she has me in her head to blame, and I know that I am not in the wrong.

A friend can and might ask one another for help, can ask for full attention, not side-calls to share ideas. But when you are aggressive in the event that it’s not given to you, that’s just not respectful. I can see that, but somehow, I cannot get over this.

I am having similar issues with other friends also. I am so drowned in my own mess/problems trying to figure out stuff for myself, for my partner, for my mother, I honestly don’t have any place for anyone else’s anymore, this was the case for the last 1.5 year. I simply cannot perceive those pains anymore. I either find their problems spoiled, or drowning. It’s like physically no place in my mind.

And when you were available for some friends’ mess, anger issues, even given them non-legit couple therapy

and one moment when you cannot, having this backlash, so disappointing.

This made me think, whatever you do, you can never satisfy people’s needs or wants. You can NEVER. what ever you do. doesn’t matter how much you help them, how much you tolerate their vulnerabilities. They might not be available to tolerate your vulnerabilities. They might not respect you. It’s not about you, but it’s how the world works. I should’ve faced and studied this way before, as I have never gotten any respect or understanding from my own sister in the first place. I am nonexistent if she doesn’t need me at that time. Only texts me when she can use me in any way.

So whatever happens, always do what you *feel* like and in the event of something like this happening, you can then say, I did what i felt like. So no regrets.

What my point was, that I came to a place where I don’t see people as sincere. I have some nice friends, actually I can think of some nice non-selfish women, but somehow we did never became close friends. Maybe it was boring between us. But every close girl friend I can think of, almost every one of them are very selfish.

• Some were rivals, didn’t like to see me succeed, (like my own big sister)
• some were successful themselves and always wanted to be looked upon, big ego
• some were instructive, trying to control others, and had this big sister energy towards me which I tolerated enjoyingly until the point where I realized they did never know better
• many were ignorant to vulnerabilities of others but cared so much about their own vulnerabilities
• some were enjoying the possibility of being liked by all men, including a close friend’s boyfriend
• some were extremely manipulative

what am i doing wrong?

I don’t want to be like a pick-me girl stereotype and say “i don’t get along with girls”, I don’t believe that sh*t. Why couldn’t I actually find girls that I can count on, it’s like either too flirty to look at my own partner or want to be looked at, or big ego that conflicts and tells me what to do in any opportunity they get. I used to tolerate that though but not anymore. I cannot tolerate anyone who’s telling me to do anything. Got too many problems to actually tolerate anyone like that. Life has made me less tolerant. Where is the middle ground? I know there are good ones out there. I am just not coming across to them somehow.

It’s like the “sex and the city” but for girlfriends. I either find trouble, or I get bored. (this was a joke)