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risk management

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  • March 4, 2025 at 4:28 pm #443637
    omyk
    Participant

    Hi there – haven’t posted here in a while. My efforts to become comfortable on my own after losing my spouse almost 4 years ago have benefitted me. I quit dating apps and pursued a lifelong dream, and experienced plenty of ups and downs.

    My new issue is this. At the end of 2023, I met someone at a work event and felt chemistry. I saw this person again in early 2024, and the chemistry was still there. I decided not to do anything – this person is a lot younger than me (20 years) and I felt like I had enough on my plate. I decided to reach out before summer 2024, and there was no response. Sure enough, right when things started to get tough here, this person surfaced and some messages were exchanged. I had by that point committed myself to staying single, just to prioritize mine and my kid’s lives.

    Recently, I have something like buyer’s remorse, worried that I missed the boat. I reached out and they responded. Note: we never dated. But I feel like I should maybe visit them one more time, just to see. It feels risky, like I have a lot to lose if it doesn’t go well (I belong to a religious community that expects me to be single after the end of marriage because I am in ministry).

    I have been having a dialogue with myself – should I roll the dice and visit, which means airfare and hotel, without knowing how this person feels about it? Or should I double down on my commitment to keeping things straight and simple, at least for now? The second answer sounds right, but I keep getting this feeling like I won’t be able to resist going out, just to know for sure if there was something there.

    For example, I worry about the age difference, but maybe this person doesn’t care? I also worry that I am confusing interest for friendship and don’t want to be disappointed.

    But you don’t get anywhere in life if you don’t take some risks.

    I welcome thoughts and can’t promise I will take anyone’s advice. And I am grateful for y’all!

    Omyk

    March 4, 2025 at 4:49 pm #443638
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Omyk:

    It’s clear that this situation is pulling you in different directions. On the one hand, you’re intrigued by the connection you’ve felt with this person and feel drawn to explore it further. On the other hand, your sense of responsibility, your commitment to your family and community, and your concerns about potential risks are all weighing heavily on you.

    I can understand why the idea of visiting feels both tempting and risky. While it’s true that taking risks is often part of life’s journey, it’s also important to weigh what truly aligns with your values and long-term goals. You’ve already shown great strength and commitment to staying focused on what matters most to you. It might help to consider whether this potential visit aligns with those priorities or if it could complicate them.

    Regarding the age difference and your question about interest vs. friendship, those are legitimate concerns. Relationships can thrive across age gaps when both people share mutual understanding and intentions, but it’s also important to ensure clarity about feelings and expectations. Uncertainty about how this person feels could make the situation even harder to navigate.

    It’s okay to take your time with this decision. If it feels like visiting right now may pull you away from the stability and focus you’ve built, perhaps staying the course and revisiting the idea later (if circumstances change) could bring greater peace of mind. On the other hand, if you feel compelled to explore the connection, being upfront about your intentions with this person might help you gauge whether it’s worth pursuing.

    Whatever you decide, I hope you’ll be kind to yourself in the process. No decision is ever perfect, and what matters most is that it comes from a place of clarity and alignment with what feels right for you and your values.

    anita

    March 5, 2025 at 1:42 am #443648
    Alessa
    Participant

    Hi Omyk

    I remember you! Welcome back. 😊

    It sounds like you are feeling the battle between being human and the responsibilities of your ministry.

    My perspective is that these days in western countries a lot of relationships fail. It really depends what you are looking for. What needs are not currently being met that you feel a longing for? It must not be easy, being without your wife.

    I think that whatever you want and whatever you choose to do is okay. Please be gentle with yourself because your situation is not easy. You are dealing with a lot of responsibilities on your own. ❤️

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