Hello again everyone:

It occurred to me this morning that I need to befriend my anger, to no longer view it as a negative, dangerous emotion that needs to be suppressed. And, so, I looked online and to my surprise, found an article by Karla Mclaren called “Understanding and Befriending Anger”.

It reads: “We’ve been told that anger needs to be controlled or suppressed, and that it’s a negative emotion, but anger can be the most honorable emotion you have if you know what it is, why it appears, and how to work with it… When I discuss emotions, I always start with anger, because it’s the emotion that can help you understand exactly who you are — as an individual, and as a member of social groups…

“However, when people don’t know how to work with anger — when they attack others with it, or when they repress it and lose their way — anger can be a real problem. The troubles that many people have with anger make it one of the most hated emotions there is, but this is truly a shame, because anger brings you gifts that are irreplaceable.

“No other emotion can do what anger does, and no other emotion can support you in the ways that anger can. Simply put, anger is a necessary and magnificent emotion that can improve your life and your relationships in astonishing ways…

“Sadly, most of us weren’t taught about the subtleties of emotional nuance (understanding nuance helps you identify emotions at many different intensity levels), and as a result, we tend to identify anger only after it gets to a very obvious or intense level. Since most of us were never taught how to take effective actions with our anger, this intense anger can often be acted out in very painful ways…

“However, people can also experience a great deal of pain and trouble in their lives if they don’t have enough anger — so let’s look at anger empathically…

“Anger is a very social emotion; if you can understand its nuances and subtleties, it can help you become an effective and healthy voice for social justice.

“Anger contains a great deal of focused, protective energy, and when you don’t have enough of it, you may struggle to set boundaries and protect yourself in relationships (or to protect the rights and dignity of others). Without your anger, you can lose your vitality and your capacity to respond in resilient ways.

“But when you’re using too much anger, you may have so much energy that you’re like a loose cannon with revolving knife attachments that breathe fire. With too much anger, you may set rigid boundaries and protect yourself and your opinions so fiercely that you make everyone’s lives miserable, including your own. So let’s look at anger more closely and learn how to use it more skillfully.

“If you tend to repress your anger, you’ll be unable to restore your boundaries because you won’t have the strength and focus you need to protect yourself…

“‘If you are never angry, then you are unborn’- This saying is from the Bassa tribe in West Africa (it’s interesting that I had to go outside of our culture to find useful words about anger), and it reminds us that anger is a normal part of every life. When you know you’re feeling anger, you can make intelligent emotional decisions about what to do with it.

“Anger brings you a lot of energy, intensity, and focus. Knowing anger’s purpose — and asking the internal questions — will help you channel that intensity into healthy action.

Under “Course: Befriending Anger at Empathy Academy”, the same author writes: “Anger has a terrible reputation, because so many people use anger to hurt themselves or others. But this isn’t anger’s fault! This is not anger’s true nature.

“The true purpose of anger is to help you develop boundaries, healthy and well-defined relationships, vulnerability, and the ability to love.

“Anger is an essential emotion that helps you in every area of your life, and when you know what anger is and how to work with it, you can change your life…

“Learning to work with anger — instead of repressing the life out of it or exploding outward with it — is one of the most important skills you can learn.

“Your anger can be a gift to you and to everyone you know.”

Here is from an article in Psychology Today by Anita Owusu, titled “Befriending Anger”: “We must learn to sit with our anger, understand its root causes, and use it as a source of clarity and strength. Anger can be a powerful force for setting boundaries, motivating change, and pushing us to seek justice, but only when we manage it intentionally. By reframing our relationship with anger, we can move from a reactive state to one of thoughtful, constructive action…

“When we learn to manage our anger with awareness and skill, it can become a catalyst for deeper self-awareness, healthier relationships, and a more balanced life. In this way, anger, rather than being something to fear, becomes a guidepost—a way of pointing us toward our unmet needs and values. As we learn to manage it, we create space for healing, growth, and authentic connection.”

End of quotes. I will reflect on these quotes in the next post.

anita

Thank you Peter and Alessa for caring to honor my thread with your valuable input. I am looking forward to thoroughly read and reply further tomorrow.

Anita

Dear Alessa:

Your openness and courage shine through in your words. It takes immense strength to look at such complex emotions and patterns from your past, and even more so to work toward understanding and healing them.

What you shared about how anger was shaped by your childhood experiences— how it was dangerous to express, how it was buried and misdirected— is incredibly powerful. It’s amazing how adaptive children can be, finding ways to survive even the most challenging circumstances. But as you’ve pointed out so insightfully, those survival strategies sometimes become roadblocks in adulthood.

The connection you’ve made between anger, anxiety, and other emotions is profound. Understanding that anger can be a secondary emotion—tied to feelings like fear, hurt, or powerlessness— offers a path to addressing what’s underneath. Your awareness that misfires of anger or anxiety don’t always signal real present-day threats is a huge step toward reclaiming your sense of safety and calm.

Your commitment to breaking unhealthy patterns, like blaming or criticizing when hurt, is inspiring. Reflecting on one’s own behavior instead of focusing on others is no small feat, especially when past pain complicates the present. And your mantra practice— it’s beautiful to hear how it’s helping you let go of resentment.

You articulated something so essential about human conflict: that it often stems from hurt people perpetuating hurt, and that adding more pain doesn’t help. Your belief in kindness, even in conflict, speaks volumes about the compassion and wisdom you’ve cultivated through your journey.

Alessa, your growth and self-awareness are a testament to the resilience of the human spirit. Thank you for sharing your experiences so vulnerably and for the blessings you’ve sent my way. I feel truly grateful for the connection and strength in your words.

anita

Dear Peter and Everyone:

I’d like to take some time this Wednesday morning to respond to your post, Peter, part by part:

“You have come a long way dealing with the experiences of your past and it.”- Thank you, Peter, for your kind acknowledgment. I truly appreciate it.

“Similarly to your experience I associate anger with abuse and loss of control.”- I believe the key is finding ways to express anger respectfully and with self-control.

“The question I ask myself is once anger has gotten our attention do we need to hold onto it… If we use the energy of anger is there a danger we become what we are protecting ourselves from? Today world events show that to be a truth.”- I agree. When a victim of abuse expresses anger abusively, it creates a tragic cycle where the victim risks becoming the victimizer.

“‘Anger has that peculiar quality of isolation; like sorrow, it cuts one off, and for the time being, at least, all relationship comes to an end…’ – Krishnamurti”- Perhaps it’s abusive expressions of anger that isolate and end relationships. On the other hand, could anger expressed respectfully— perhaps even with empathy— strengthen relationships instead of breaking them? I feel much of our fear of anger stems from how often it is expressed abusively, both in personal lives and on a global scale.

“Looking into my anger… yes there is a fear of isolation, separation, shame, lots of shame… even when I was the victim of others’ anger and cruelty not deserved. That this fear leaves me feeling angry and depressed. An anger that instead of empowering me to action empowered shame.”- Anger and shame seem so closely connected here. I wonder— did you, growing up or later on, experience being shamed for expressing anger? Perhaps for your facial expression or even a slight change in your tone? Please don’t feel obligated to answer, unless you feel comfortable, but it’s something I’ve been reflecting on.

“Krishnamurti goes on to say ‘It is the explanation, the verbalization, whether silent or spoken, that sustains anger’”- This makes me think: could it be that shame around feeling angry is what sustains it? If anger were given space to breathe— free from judgment— might it dissipate on its own rather than struggle for air?

“I tend to hold on to anger as a shield and or pretense of bravado. Anything to avoid dealing with the experience directly or looking/feeling weak.”- I wonder if, for many of us, anger becomes a coping mechanism to shield us from confronting deeper emotions like shame.

“By forgiveness I do not mean forgive and forget but the process towards an honest Yes to life as it is.”- I really like this sentiment. Perhaps this could also mean embracing a shameless identity— one where we fully accept ourselves without self-judgment.

“Finally, Krishnamurti says, ‘Anger cannot be got rid of by the action of will, for will is part of violence… To be free from violence, which is not the cultivation of non-violence, there must be the understanding of desire.'”- This resonates with me deeply. It seems to suggest that suppressing anger with willpower only transforms it into another form of violence. True freedom from anger might come through understanding the desires and motivations driving it— a call for inner reflection rather than outward control.

As I reflect this Wednesday afternoon, I feel a hint of the rage I’ve carried from experiencing abuse— rage at having been degraded, humiliated, and at passively submitting to it. There is shame not only in having been abused but also in those moments of submission. My desire now is to stand tall and affirm my worth— equal to anyone else’s. My hope is to let go of shame and never submit to abuse again.

Equally, I feel a desire to not perpetuate shame or abuse toward anyone else.

anita

Hi Everyone:

I will be processing, researching, and studying what you wrote here, Peter:

“I feel that for relationship to be strengthened by anger it’s when the energy of anger is dissipated and primary emotion acknowledged. My observation is that it takes time to allow the energy of anger to dissipate before the primary emotion can be felt, acknowledged and addressed… If a relationship becomes stronger after anger, was it anger that was expressed respectfully, or was anger acknowledged, and the primary emotion addressed. I think I’m getting lost in language and the difference doesn’t matter.”

It seems to me that you’re making a distinction between anger and primary emotions. As you likely know, primary emotions are the basic, universal emotions that humans are wired to feel, regardless of culture or upbringing. These include anger, fear, sadness, joy, surprise, and disgust—innate emotions that serve evolutionary purposes. For instance, anger can signal a threat to boundaries or rights, motivating action to protect oneself.

In contrast, secondary emotions are more complex and shaped by individual experiences, beliefs, and cultural factors. These emotions often emerge when we reflect on or interpret primary emotions and include feelings like guilt, shame, envy, and pride. Secondary emotions often build on primary emotions—for example, guilt might stem from sadness about hurting someone.

Anger, while typically considered a primary emotion because of its instinctive and universal nature, can sometimes act as a secondary emotion. For instance, anger might emerge secondarily when deeper emotions like hurt, fear, or shame remain unprocessed. In such cases, anger becomes a reaction to those underlying feelings rather than a direct response to the immediate situation.

Your post touches on this distinction when you mentioned anger potentially masking “primary emotions” like fear or shame. While I agree that anger can sometimes be a cover for deeper feelings, I wonder if you might be dismissing anger when it isn’t secondary—when it is instead a direct and valid response to something significant.

When seen as a primary emotion, anger can serve as a healthy and protective force—one that doesn’t necessarily isolate but can motivate action, reinforce boundaries, and even strengthen relationships. I’d love to hear your thoughts on whether you think there’s a place for viewing anger this way as part of your exploration of its role in relationships and self-awareness.

You mentioned earlier: “I don’t think I can be friends with anger.” Personally, in my evolving understanding, I feel strongly that anger—when it arises as a primary emotion—is my friend. It’s a friend I was estranged from for far too long and one I am actively learning to befriend.

anita