Dear Alessa:

You are doing so much, and it’s clear how deeply you love your son. The way you’re trying to protect him from your past, guide him with gentleness, and nurture his growth—while managing everything else—is extraordinary. It’s not just parenting, it’s healing, learning, and surviving all rolled together. That’s hard. And you’re still showing up.

The loneliness, exhaustion, and financial strain you described are very real. It’s okay to admit that you’re burnt out. That doesn’t mean you’re failing—it means you’re giving everything you’ve got. The fact that your son said “sorry” to the dog, or played in his room alone, or kicked and moved his arms in the pool—those are all moments shaped by your care and effort. You helped build those.

The honesty in your words is powerful. You’re not lazy, you’re tired. Deep, soul-tired. And that’s no small thing. The fact that you’re still reading, researching, trying—it’s inspiring. Not everyone has the strength to do what you’re doing.

If you ever question your instincts, remember this: a child who feels loved, safe, and able to say “sorry” is growing in the right direction.

You deserve a break, even just a breath. And you deserve to laugh—even if it means wiping up a puddle afterwards.

You’re not alone, even if it feels that way sometimes. I see you. And I’m cheering for you. Always.

🤍 Anita

Alessa, I will reply at the end of the day ❤️

Dear Alessa,

Fortunately, I have made peace with my feelings about being a mother. I know that I try my best and that is good enough. I think it is just the feelings from childhood trauma that are hard to shift.

I’m happy to hear that. And yes, I can imagine how the thought of not being good enough can creep in whenever things are hard and you feel tired and exhausted. But in those moments, try to remember that you ARE good enough, that there’s nothing wrong with you, and that you’re doing your best. And do some deep breathing and centering, just to let that sink 🙂

That is a good point Tee. I’m sorry to hear that your mother was often stressed out and overly focused on putting practical needs first.

Yeah, it was hectic. But she was that kind of person – she was unhappy a lot, although she didn’t have a real reason to be unhappy, because she had support in her environment. But she would exhaust herself unnecessarily with household chores, and then complain about it. I’ve started to realized those patterns only much later in my adulthood.

But yeah, she put the emphasis on the physical aspect of care – even too much – and then she felt stressed about it. And for me as a child, it was hard because I wanted my mother to be happy and satisfied, and she never was.

It’s not easy when they are young because a messy home is legitimately a safety hazard. He will get older though and things will get easier. Only one year left until he’s in nursery. These things don’t last forever.

Oh yes, that’s true! Keeping things clean is a necessity when they’re so young. But as you say, that shall pass too. You’ve got one more year till nursery. I’m rooting for you to keep on keeping on till things get easier. And also, try to have lots of self-compassion in the process <3

You asked me on the other thread how I’ve developed a strong sense of self-worth. Ehhh, that was a long, decades long process, with some detours as well, looking for approval from wrong people, in wrong places. I always had interest in spirituality, and eventually found some teachings that can be characterized as Christian mysticism. That’s where I’ve learned about unconditional love and that I am lovable, and truly felt it in my heart.

But with self-worth it was much harder, because I believed I needed to prove that I’m worthy. That I need to deserve it. But then somehow (also with the help of spiritual teachings) I’ve realized that we’re born with an innate divine presence, as “children of God”, if you will. And that self-worth actually stems from there. That I am worthy simply because I exist.

This helped me drop the high expectations that I had on myself, and the sense of not being good enough, even the sense that I don’t matter. Gradually I’ve accepted that I do matter. And luckily I had people in my life who assured me of that. 🙂 And so, little by little, I did develop my sense of worth. But it was a long and winding road, for sure.

Dear Alessa,

you’re welcome! Thank you for your kind words too <3

Yeah, deep breathing is so important, but when I’m anxious, I tend to forget it too 🙂

It must have been hard growing up with a mum who was never happy. The minimum I would imagine kids need is for their parents to be happy to interact with them. I feel like some people enjoy being unhappy. Some people try to comfort others when they act in this way.

Yes, unfortunately my mother was/is the kind o person who “enjoys” being unhappy, or rather, she always finds an excuse to be unhappy. As a child, I tried my best to make her happy, to cheer her up, but it never worked, even if I was an excellent pupil, behaved well and didn’t really cause her any troubles.

And yeah, me too tried to comfort my mother, or later when I was older to explain to her that it might help her to change her perspective and see things from a different angle. Because in reality, things weren’t so bad as she was portraying them to be.

But alas, she wouldn’t like that. She never liked it when I told her she isn’t seeing something right. She’d blame me when I did that. And so I stopped. But it took me many years before I stopped trying, because I was still hoping that I can make her see, that I can make her understand. But no, I couldn’t.

And I think it only happened in the last few years that I’ve realized that she cannot be reached. And so I had to change my attitude. I had to accept her as she is and put some boundaries. But most importantly, I saw that she sort of “enjoys” to suffer, as you said. And I stopped trying to help her alleviate that suffering. I stopped trying to make her happy. And that was a huge change. Emotional detachment. And it brought me a great deal of peace.

I think religion has been a bit difficult for me because I grew up in a cult. It is interesting how life finds different ways to teach similar lessons.

Oh I see. You know, I had a brush with a cult-like kind of group myself, but already in my adulthood. That’s where I got in touch with those spiritual teachings. But some of it was really useful, e.g. not seeing God as judgmental, but loving and compassionate. The concept of Divine Mother and Divine Father, to replace the toxic experiences we might have had with our biological parents. I’ve experienced feeling unconditionally loved and opening my heart in meditations with Jesus and Virgin Mary, who in my mind represented unconditional love, compassion and mercy.

So although the group later turned cultish, I’ve learned some important concepts (that resonated with me strongly and felt like truth to me). And I did experience a dose of healing there. But it had a dark side as well, and definitely didn’t do good for my sense of self-worth (which was low to begin with, and then it only dug me deeper). So I had to heal from that.

That makes sense. When I had my son it just clicked in my head that he is perfect as he is. And trust me it was not a walk in the park with him screaming for 4 hours every evening. He didn’t need to do anything to be special, he just was (and still is). Thankfully, no more screaming!

Oh yes, I can imagine that! That’s why I say kudos to all young parents – they have to deal with a lot! 🙂

But yeah, seeing your child as precious and amazing, and honoring them as this little person with their own individuality, their talents, their creativity… and letting that unfold is so important. And not expecting a kid to behave like an adult – allow the kid to make a mess and make mistakes, and have compassion for them.

My mother criticized me a lot and didn’t really praise me, but took all my achievements for granted. And that’s very damaging for the child. She expected perfection, and the funny thing is that even if I was almost perfect, it wasn’t enough. So I grew up with the sense of not being good enough. No matter what I did, no matter how well I performed at school, I wasn’t good enough. And that was crushing.

When it comes to unconditional love. It is my son that really opened that door for me. I know that a lot of people don’t practice unconditional love. I know that one day he will make mistakes and I want to be there for him when he does.

Yes, unconditional love. Even if he makes mistakes, you’re there for him. You won’t abandon him emotionally, you won’t send him a message that he is bad, that he as a person is bad, that that’s his identity.

I think it’s okay to set boundaries and make them know that some behaviors are not acceptable (such as pushing their finger into the electricity socket, or running across the street without checking the traffic, or hitting another kid, or whatever other bad or dangerous behavior). But throughout all that, they should know that you love them. That they are lovable. That there is nothing fundamentally wrong with them. Because I got that message from my mother: that there’s something deeply wrong with me – and that’s what ruined me the most.

I have been thinking about changing the way I do things. I find that I often do things because of trauma. I want to reframe and do things for other reasons instead of letting my trauma dictate how I raise my son.

I did find loving kindness meditation a gateway to feeling loving feelings about myself.

That’s great! I think that the more loving kindness you can give to yourself, the more you will be attuned to your true self, and the more peaceful and relaxed you will be. You won’t react from trauma, but from your center. At least that’s what I think.

Of course, it’s not easy. But also, we’re allowed to make mistakes. Even if you sometimes overreact with your son, you can repair it afterwards. You can say you’re sorry.

It is the constant lack of attunement that hurts the child and leaves scars, not the occasional overreaction when we’re tired or overwhelmed. It’s when the repair never happens that the child gets traumatized. And you’re a super aware and a super conscious mother. You’ll definitely know when you did something less than perfectly with your kid. And you can repair it.

So please don’t worry – you are truly equipped to be a good enough mother, and you’re doing a great job <3

I’m glad to hear that you have good people in your life who are there for you. You deserve it! You’re a special woman. ❤️

Thank you, Alessa, that’s very kind of you. You’re an incredibly kind and supportive person, and I appreciate you a lot <3

Dear Alessa,

It’s good to hear that you see that when you were a child you didn’t do anything wrong and that your Mother being unhappy wasn’t your fault.

That’s interesting that you had such a level of insight at such a young age.

Oh no, the insight came much later. When I was a child, I was trying to please my mother and not to upset her. When I was in my early 20s, I started to see that she has a very negative mindset and that things aren’t as bad as she is portraying them to be. That’s when I tried to explain those things to her and how she might want to adopt a more positive mindset (the glass is half full). But she wouldn’t listen. And she kept complaining, whining, etc.

And then eventually, when I’ve already started working on myself and my psychology, that’s when I realized that no matter how well I performed and how “perfect” I were, she still wouldn’t be happy with me. Because she’s just that kind of person.

So the insight came much later, and only gradually. I spent my entire childhood, youth and beyond trying to please her. And seeing myself as inadequate and deeply damaged.

To be fair, those are some nice ideas. I’m glad you benefitted from them and managed to heal from the religious trauma and self worth issues.

Yeah, I’ve realized that many people project the qualities of their parents onto God. I did it too. So it was kind of liberating to have spiritual teachings tell you that God is loving and compassionate. And even if you’re the greatest “sinner”, that still at your core you’re beautiful and precious. And lovable. I think that was the biggest lessons I took from those teachings. And it did help me find love for myself, and also open my heart to others.

Since having a child, I’ve developed a parental mindset. I’ve found that it helps me sometimes to imagine that I am my own parent.

That’s a super healthy mindset. And it helps you stay in touch with your inner child and soothe it. Because we’re all children still, even as adults, specially in difficult times, when we feel scared, lost and confused. We all need soothing. So it’s great if you can be a loving parent to your inner child.

Sometimes when it’s really hard, I cry out to God (or my idea of God), and it helps. It helps me carry the burden, even if it’s hard sometimes, specially with these physical issues and limitations.

But anyway, I think that having the concept of a loving and caring parent figure in our psyche is very important. Sometimes, we can be that to ourselves (our adult self to our inner child). And sometimes, when the challenge is too big, I feel that I need something beyond, something bigger than myself to soothe me, and that’s a divine presence. That’s God, for me.

He isn’t afraid to tell you when he doesn’t like something.

That’s good, that’s a healthy instinct! Actually it’s a normal developmental phase that around the age of 2 they start saying No to a lot of things (the terrible twos, I’m sure you’ve heard of it). That’s when they start the process of individuation and breaking free from the symbiosis with the mother. And that’s a normal, healthy stage.

If the parent is offended by the child’s “defiance” and punishes them, or withdraws their love, that’s when the damage can happen. The child may remain psychologically enmeshed with the mother and never learn to become a separate self, with their own likes and dislikes, preferences, etc. Later in their adulthood, they may feel guilty for wanting to be different, for wanting to be themselves, not what their parents want them to be.

Yes, I definitely agree about the boundaries. In a parenting class I went to they said to raise your voice if there was actual danger. But otherwise just say no, avoid, distract or ignore undesirable behaviours. I thought it was a really good class!

Yeah, that’s a good tactic to not raise your voice until there’s an actual immediate danger. Otherwise you can explain everything in a calm way, being loving but determined. And distraction, specially with small children, is a really good tool as well!

Yes, I’ve read a lot of parenting advice like that. I do think it is important to apologize after making mistakes and focus on repair after conflict. I think because of my trauma, I’m just extremely uncomfortable with conflict in general.

I see. Yeah, often times we fear asserting ourselves (expressing our needs, desires, preferences, expressing our No as well) because we were taught that we’re bad if we do that. And it caused conflict as well – we might have been punished or ridiculed or guilt-tripped or whatever if we dared to express ourselves.

Sometimes there’s an even deeper belief that we’re not worthy to have our needs met. Because that was the message we’ve received. And then of course, how could we assert ourselves? How could we ask anything for ourselves? How could we stand our ground – when we believe we don’t have the right to? Or that we would be rejected.

So perhaps sometimes the fear of conflict is the fear of rejection. Because whenever we tried to assert ourselves, we were rejected. I don’t know if that’s true for you, but it definitely was for me. Asserting myself meant rejection and possible humiliation. So with time, it meant losing my sense of self. Questioning it. Not knowing who I am and what’s good for me. Losing my self – because I wasn’t allowed to express it.

That’s a really nice idea. I will try my best to focus on showing myself loving kindness. Did you find that strategy helped you?

Yes, absolutely. Having compassion for yourself is the key. For me, it was the first step in healing. Without it, I couldn’t have countered the relentless voice of the inner critic. So yes, compassion and loving kindness for yourself is the key.

Lovely chatting to you too, Alessa <3