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anita.
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October 23, 2025 at 6:44 am #451171
nycartistParticipantI have found myself in these situations over the years. I think it is because I am attracted to very strong personalities, being a people pleaser myself, I guess I gravitate (or attract) a certain type of friend. This friend I have known for over 20 years. We have had our ups and downs and went through a period of not speaking. We made ammends and have been friends again for 10 years or so. But I see familiar patterns start to show up. I am looking at how I can resolve my own part in this.
Basically she says things to me that I find offensive, usually in the form of small microaggressions or put downs that she calls jokes. And they hurt me, and many times I just let it go but I find that a wall of resentment builds, or maybe defensiveness. Then something will happen that is not necessarily so bad by itself, but it sends me into a tailspin and I get upset. And when I tell her I am upset she says I am over sensitive. Yes, perhaps to the one isolated incident but it is the pattern over time where she gives little papercuts and I say nothing. I know this is partially my fault for this dynamic. I shrink myself to not make waves. The times I try to joke back don’t go over well either, it comes off as passive aggressive and so I feel like I may be damaging this friendship with my inability to properly react to such comments.
I do care about this person and would like to find a way to work it out, but at the moment it feels toxic. I don’t really know how to change this dynaminc. How do I change it in myself to be less sensitive? Or how to I address when she says something “she’s just being herself and speaking freely”. She says she feels like she has to walk on eggshells with my sensitivity. I don’t want to be someone that makes people walk on eggshells. Ahh. 🙁
October 23, 2025 at 11:12 am #451182
anitaParticipantDear NYC Artist:
Good to read from you again! A little history: you first posted on March 8, 2019 and the first time we communicated was the day after, that’s.. 6 years and 7+ months ago! The last time we talked was on May 15, 2024.
Is this the same friend you shared about on 5/15/2024 in your previous thread, “‘Frenemies’ and the desire for true friendship”? You wrote there: “For example, I have very curly hair, which I happen to like. But she often makes comments about my hair saying it looks so crazy and unbrushed. Or she will mention how my hips are so narrow and hers are definitely wider. It’s just odd, and feels very comparative. The other day she commented on how we both have ‘unique faces that not every man would appreciate’.. Just little catty remarks about my appearance or sometimes judgmental things about my other friends and my job too.”?
Are these the kinds of “small microaggressions or put downs that she calls jokes”, you referred to today?
You mentioned in that thread “The Four Agreements”, which has “great tips about being impeccable with your word (only speaking with integrity and not speaking ill of others or of ourselves)” (5/15/2024)
From The Four Agreements: “Be impeccable with your word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.” –
That’s a wonderful goal and not something that can be achieved perfectly.
Another quote from the book: “You are not responsible for the actions of others; you are only responsible for you. When you truly understand this, and refuse to take things personally, you can hardly be hurt by the careless comments or actions of others.”-
I would want to engage on a regular basis with someone who’s offensive while trying to not take it personally.
Maybe the question is: what are her comments (are they the above quoted)? How often? When you explained to her how you feel about them, did she apologize..? Also, does she say those things while under the influence of alcohol perhaps?
Anita
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