Hey anita

Hmm u mean even before November? could be yeah..

Haha that’s also what my therapist was saying yesterday. I was telling her about my somatic reactions (to the post, her superior hitting on her, etc) and she basically said that the feeling IS there, but i “choose” not to acknowledge it because it’s not the extreme infatuation or the other extreme, fear of loss/rejection, so it goes unnoticed by my mind and i should try to accept the middle grounds because even herself (she used herself as an example), said: Now i think about my boyfriend leaving me, which i love so much, and i can’t feel anything because the situation is not right/fitting, we can’t “order” feelings, they come when the time is right or if the situation demands it.

I feel good knowing that someone understands me because i definitely don’t haha.

Yesterday i was feeling much better, texting with her was so much fun and i even felt some warmth and loving feelings (i think?? what is love?)

What bothers me is this:
Almost a year ago when i would be falling for her i would see in her all i wanted in a girlfriend. She’s sweet, kind, loving, caring, smart, great sense of humour, communicates, shares deep feelings, she’s damn pretty, i love her eyes, her smile, her voice, her hair, her neck, damn even her hands/feet look great to me (things i would never pay attention to in previous girls). She was lighting candles and praying for me to be safe, even got me a guardian bell for the motorcycle. I would say to myself, “wow, how did i find this gem”, i wanna share my life with her, be there for her, hold her in my arms when she shares her deepest vulnerabilities and insecurities with me, have her in my arms until she falls asleep and then wake up kissing her warm lips, hugging her warm body, go on trips with her, surprise her at work, bring her coffee/food, pick her up and go on small trips without her knowing.
All the above were things i would think about constantly until November and i would feel so good, so hopeful and happy. But now nothing gets through to me, nothing “touches” me, none of the above. I can still see she’s pretty and a great person but nothing moves me, i am unfazed. It’s like this part of is gone.. and it’s not like i wanna experience it with another girl, no. It’s like my whole “romantic identity”, me being a “boyfriend” is vanished. And i can’t fathom because this is who i used to be my whole life, i was dreaming of finding a girl like her that likes so many things that i like and have all those qualities.. 🙁