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Chronic indecision

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  • January 9, 2014 at 1:08 pm #48811
    Minnie
    Participant

    I have serious indecisiveness which has huge and negative impacts on my quality of life. I am currently deciding which city to live in, and still haven’t been able to choose even though I need to do so within the next week. If I don’t make a decision, it will have lasting negative effects on the rest of this year, but I can’t commit without feeling panicky and constantly second guessing myself. I will most likely book a flight the day before, having spent the preceding weeks with my stomach in knots as I overanalyse my choices.
    My problem is at its worst with big life decisions like this, but is also present when making more minor decisions such as buying shoes (for necessity, I am travelling and can’t carry much!) Sometimes I can’t decide or express what I want to do on a weekend, and will be more concerned with what whoever I am with wants to do, because I don’t trust myself to make a good choice.
    I have never completed a university degree. I was accepted to a renowned fine arts school, and quit during my second year because I was paralysed with indecision about what to major in – I just couldn’t do it for fear I had made the wrong choice. Despite the obvious damage it does to my life, I can’t seem to break out of this behaviour pattern. Has anyone had a similar experience or have any suggestions about how to help with this sort of issue? Many thanks.

    January 9, 2014 at 1:35 pm #48815
    Findinglife
    Participant

    Suggestion have you written a pros and cons list, I find it is the best way to at least step out of my mind into reality.
    As for breaking the pattern you are better to change the pattern by asking the simple question of what am I going to gain compared to what have I to loss.
    At the end of the day even if you think it is a mistake afterwards you will have learnt something new. Remember the is mistake, a miss take so you can change it in some way.
    A friend once told me the enjoy the tapestry of life and just go learn something new each day just by the choices you make.

    January 9, 2014 at 3:08 pm #48821
    Star
    Participant

    Learn to meditate and note your feelings . Go with what makes you feel happy and peaceful

    January 10, 2014 at 8:23 am #48868
    Mark
    Participant

    Hi Minnie,
    How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

    Start with something “small” and make a decision. Continue this practice. Living mindfully helps to recognize such times to make a decision and to deliberately move on it. Note and celebrate when you do make these decisions.

    There is a NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) principle that “There is no failure, only feedback” meaning that even if you do make a “mistake,” you can learn from it and know better next time. How else will we learn things otherwise?

    Be kind to yourself and remember to keep breathing.

    Metta,
    Mark

    January 11, 2014 at 6:49 pm #48945
    sandy
    Participant

    Hi Minnie,

    You just described me to the T. I was in the same situation as you a few months ago. I’ve been indecisive my entire life (had parents who told me what to do) and am recovering from this pattern.

    I have a fear of vulnerability and failure, which kind of plays into my need to know that I’m making the right choice. A few months ago, I read something in the book “There is Nothing Wrong With You”, by Cheri Huber that stuck with me – “Failure, making mistakes…the person who is agonizing over “should I take that job in Hoboken”, as if transportation only goes in one direction. If you take the job and that’s not where you want to be, you’re dooooooomed to stay there forever. It’s not possible to say, “Oh, I don’t like Hoboken”, and leave. It becomes life and death, all or nothing. She goes on, “this reminds me of early Ram Dass with questions like: “should I cut my hair?” “should I lose my virginity?”, “should i..?” And of course the answer is risk it. But the attitude of mind that is focused on this sort of thing has already failed. If you are afraid of making a mistake, you’ve already made it. You’re already in as bad a place as you can be in.” Basically, she’s saying it’s impossible to fail since we are going to learn from everything that happens. It’s our conditioned beliefs that think things should go a certain way that cause our suffering (and for you and I, our hesitation to decide).

    I think it’s helpful to get out of the mind. Before you go to bed, calm your mind and ask for support in your decision. Then tell yourself that everything will work out, and then ask your heart to tell you what it feels. The mind will always find a “what if?” and “but”.

    Good luck to you in finding your place! Today is a new day – we can start anew and look forward to being able to make decisions. No need to think about the past and the suffering our indecision may have caused us!

    January 11, 2014 at 10:01 pm #48949
    sandy
    Participant

    Hi Minnie,

    It’s Sandy again. I just wanted to share with you this amazing Tiny Buddha blog posting that I just found:

    Accepting Uncertainty: We Can Be Happy Without All the Answers

    January 12, 2014 at 3:20 am #48953
    Minnie
    Participant

    FIrstly, I’m really humbled that people here have taken the time to offer a total stranger advice and support. I am really struggling with this, and your help is greatly appreciated.
    Al – thank you, I have written a pros and cons list but think I need to re-visit it and look properly – my ‘what ifs’ and emotions and anxiety always take over and I find it hard to look at it objectively, as you say ‘out of my mind and into reality’ – that is exactly what I need to do!
    Star – I recently tried mediating as you suggested, I’ve never really tried it properly in the past. I think it is going to be something that really helps me in the next part of my life so thank you.
    Mark – I like the idea of practising decision making as a skill, I’ve never thought of it that way and its very useful. It has also been helpful to remember to take it one step at a time, I tend to project all the ‘what ifs’ well into the future, and usually from a point of view of what could go wrong.
    Sandy – its so nice to hear from someone who knows what I’m going through (although of course I’d rather you hadn’t been through it!) I am definitely afraid of making mistakes as I feel like I have made terrible decisions in the past (like quitting art school, and getting engaged too quickly) and seem to have no trust in myself to commit to anything. That article is great too – I didn’t realise I had such a problem with uncertainty, I have always thought of myself as a bit of a free spirit but clearly I’m more afraid of it than I realised. I imagine every scenario into the future and end up finding problems with both choices, or I want the good side of both choices because I don’t want to miss anything – which is impossible!

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