How should we forgive?

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This topic has 5 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 9 months ago by Sel.

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March 3, 2014 at 10:37 pm #52222

angry after so long
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How should we forgive someone who betrayed us and shook the very faith we have in self and others ? (which i think was unsteady to begin with but just got exposed and needs fixing)
1) Do u call a spade a spade and just let them go on with their life realizing they are who they are and it was you who didnt realize that.. ie dont blame the snake tha bit u while u thought it was friendly ?
2) Just vent and find closure somehow then move on with other things in life.. ignoring the past but finding new horizons.
3) the kosher way for empathy and seeing it through their eyes, even though they didnt respect u enough to atleast give u a glimpse of their soul after the storm passed.;;
I go through these cycles of emotions of all three of the above, but the conflict makes it hard to pick one.. i dont want to have any anger or resentment.. but that comes much much easier than the empathy.. and i wonder why?

March 4, 2014 at 8:38 am #52249

Mark
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Great question. This is a highly individual process, this forgiveness thing. Good for you for wanting to get to that place within yourself for holding onto anger just does us no good.

For me, I honor where I am at at the moment. I use to try to skip over my anger to get to #3 and to forgiveness but realized that was not being honest with myself. I sit with my emotions during my meditations so I can fully aware of how they affect my physical body. I don’t try to push those feelings and sensations away. I just sit with whatever comes up with awareness. Inevitably the anger is addressed and can move on to compassion or at least some neutrality about the person. It’s a process and not an instant fix (for me anyway).

Everything I read about feeding anger, e.g. vent to others just increases the anger.

I believe that we still need to address our anger before we can move on to step #3. You might want to check out the Marshall Rosenberg Non Violent Communication process to communicate to the perpetrator (#1) where we communicate what we feel with the underlying need coupled with a specific behavior request.

Metta,
Mark

March 4, 2014 at 10:16 am #52257

William
Participant

I have just read a lovely book called the four agreements. It has made…and continues to…make so much clear about the suffering I have caused in my own life but more than that, shows a way out. Essentially, the four agreements are

1. Be impeccable (without sin) in your word
2. Never take anything personally
3. Never assume anything
4. Always do your best

There is a fifth….Listen…but always have a degree of scepticism

These may seem simple….but go behind them and there is SO much more. I suggest you check out the reviews on amazon….It may help you…..and no..I am not on commission. But not taking anything personally can make a huge shift in your thinking.

All the best

Will

March 6, 2014 at 6:47 am #52376

angry after so long
Participant

there s a fourth nasty wave that comes through too.. that i wasnt good enough and attentive enough, so kind of deserve it.. that does provide me some motivation (may be short lasting) to improve but still i believe it couldnt be good for growth long term.. i start to not like anything about me during these thoughts, from physical/social to emotional make up of my being.. has anyone had any experience towards this and has this kind of motivation helped transform anyone?

March 6, 2014 at 11:55 am #52396

Jennifer Bardall
Participant

So stop those thoughts. Only you have the power to do it.

Forgiveness is literally the only way to get past something like this. Looking at it as a learning situation, something your soul needed to learn, and moving on. Holding on to past stories, to anger and resentment, placing blame on the self…it’s just a waste of time and energy, and it sends a message to your brain that this is still going on, so your body holds on to the tension and negative energy. It’s just no good.

You ask what helps transform, and that’s my answer. Forgiveness. Blessing the person and the experience, releasing it all, and moving on. You may need to forgive them a hundred times a day at first, whenever they pop up in your brain, but it WILL pass. I promise you that.

March 6, 2014 at 6:09 pm #52428

Sel
Participant

I’m actually going through the same thing with this woman who took it upon herself to judge me and send me abusive messages on Facebook last year which resulted in me threatening her with legal action if she did it again and also the ending of my partner’s long term friendship with her boyfriend (my partner and the guy used to work together)

I didn’t realise that I was going to be angry with this woman for so long and I still don’t understand why because she was technically nothing to me as I hardly knew her but it was what she said in those messages that took me to a place in my past that I didn’t want to be and it impacted on my mental health and emotional well being for some time….a lot longer than I wanted.

At the moment I’m pretty much doing number 1 but I have though of doing number 2 who and I have done number 3 many times…

My partner and I have had a discussion in regards to any future reconciliation that may come up between those people and us and I said to him that if he chooses to rekindle or accept any attempts of friendship from them I would accept and respect that but at the same time that I do not want anything further to do with them on any level again.

Forgiveness is the key to peace but at the same time it doesn’t necessarily result in healed relationships nor does it mean you should trust or associate with that person again…
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