Hello!

I just read your post (you don’t need to apologize for it’s length; you write what you want to write and those who want to read it, will). I could relate to a lot of things in your post. In the same time it’s interesting to see someone else go through things that I have went through: there’s more clarity and compassion, but also it’s hard to give any concrete advice, as I think I’m still struggling with some of the same things you are.

One thing that I noticed, which I know I do myself as well, is that you readily have understanding for his lack of respect for you. I have done that same thing, but it’s interesting to see the same in someone else. My big sister isn’t anything like that and she will call out anyone on their BS and places the responsibility where it should be. Her way of handling things sometimes makes me feel really safe, because I know that I am way too forgiving in an unhealthy way. So I feel a bit like a big sister to you, when I read how you are so understanding towards this person who really did not treat you very nicely. Sure, he is free to do what ever he wants with his life, and sure, he might have self-esteem issues. He is still responsible for his own actions and how he treats other people. I do think that lack of respect and the blurred lines of online relationships are rather common these days, but it might do us good to set some proper boundaries and not accept the kind of behavior that hurts us. I sometimes imagine my own inner child, desperate to be understood and cared for, and then I, the adult, keep placing her in situations where she hurts and I do nothing. I have the power to keep those who hurt her at an arms length. But I digress…

Are you able to block him in your game, so that you wouldn’t see him when he’s online? Taking some time off from the game might do you good as well. Think of it as a healing holiday. It doesn’t have to be permanent, and you can always go back, but just stay away for couple of weeks from this place that keeps pouring salt to your wounds.

Also, perhaps acknowledge that you need care as well. You’re worried about him, but it is his job to worry about himself and your job to worry about you.

I know that you know all this and I also know how hard it is to let go. It’s only been couple of weeks. I can understand the shattering and how it feels like when all of a sudden your reality isn’t want you thought it was. It takes time to heal from that. I’m sure that you are on some level desperately trying to put the genie back in the bottle (not sure if that’s the correct idiom to use), and make everything “normal” again. It’s just not going to happen, and talking with him isn’t going to fix things. He doesn’t have the answer to you that would take the pain away. I am sorry you are going through this and I know that it is painful.

Please remember that compassion and forgiveness isn’t the same thing as allowing those who hurt us to continue doing so. I have been in your situation many times with many different people, and after gaining a bit more confidence and love towards myself, I have decided to let go of certain people who are repeat offenders of making me feel really bad and humiliated. Sure, they don’t do it on purpose, but why uphold relationships like that? It is easier to let go of them, when you’re not in the middle of an emotional turmoil. Letting go comes naturally when the storm has passed and you feel better and more at peace.

I am very much looking forward to what other people have to say, as I would like to learn more as well.

I’m sorry you’re finding yourself in this situation. There is an upside to the most recent revelation, as you’re quite likely not wanting to go back to him.

I became involved with someone years ago, on an online dating site. I thought he was “the one” and all that. He said the right things and everything seemed great. We met, I felt uncomfortable in his presence, but decided to not listen to myself and got on with the relationship. I started to go a bit crazy with him, doubting myself and feeling weird. Honestly, I can’t remember everything about it. The whole thing fell apart, and I felt miserable. Then someone pointed me out to look into Narcissism, and it all hit me, as I was reading through the descriptions. This man was like a text book narcissist. He called himself god, I laughed, not taking him seriously (and thinking that he had a really weird sense of humor). Stuff like that. Then I started to realize that my previous relationship before him had eerily similar feel to it. The push and pull. Idolizing and then being treated like dirt. Emotional blackmail, never quite knowing if it was OK to be me or not. I had thought that I was the world’s worst girlfriend, and that relationship had a very big impact on me and how I viewed myself. Then I suddenly realized that it wasn’t about me. It could’ve been anyone, and it had been someone else in my shoes previously; I heard later that the man in my previous relationship had driven several women crazy.

I joined some support internet forum for victims of Narcissists. It was helpful in a way, that I could understand how many of the aspects of my relationships weren’t normal. I had accepted them as normal. In a way, it was all very scary. I started to doubt all people, as did many other victims. I saw the same lack of compassion in many of the people in my life, and I was just really scared. That did pass a bit, though I couldn’t fully start trusting again. The good thing was, that I did break up all potential relationships that started to go down a familiar road.

More things happened in my life that weren’t so great, until finally I just shattered. Everything fell apart. It was horrible and it was painful, but there was hope and I worked on healing myself. I went to therapy, that didn’t work for me at all, I disliked the therapist (go with a therapist that makes you feel safe, you can choose). I joined Al-Anon, that was filled with other codependent people, who interestingly also told stories about relationships with Narcissists.

My healing has now continued for a while, and I’m more of myself now than I’ve ever been. There are times when I feel weak and scared, but most of the times I trust myself, and that seems to be the key to a lot of things.

I am telling you all of this so that you can put into perspective what I’m telling you now. I know that you are still in an emotional turmoil and probably can’t see very clearly, but I hope that this can be of some help, when it’s the right time:

1) You dodged a bullet. Had you continued to be with him, even as a friend, it might’ve done considerably more damage to you.
2) Be kind to yourself and possibly seek help from support groups, so that you can hear other stories. It helps to understand that you’re not the only one. It helps to alleviate some of the shame that you might be feeling.
3) When it’s time, take responsibility of your own part in everything. You knew something was wrong, but decided to believe him instead of yourself. I have been there and done that myself, so please don’t take this as a victim blaming. It is trust in oneself, having healthy boundaries, having a healthy relationship with reality and loving oneself that will keep you safe. Emotional maturity is a deterrent for those who are emotionally immature. Illusions and fairy tales have their own place in life, but they’re not the basis of a healthy relationship. Any relationship, including the one you have with yourself.
4) Do not escape reality, as reality is your friend. It’s the place where you know what is real and what isn’t. Getting reacquainted with your senses and your surroundings, mindfulness, also helps you with trusting your own senses. When you trust your own senses, and you trust yourself, you’ll also start to trust your gut instincts. In my personal experience, it is always right, and I so often have not listened to it and went ahead with things anyway, and I have ended getting hurt. I am still glad that I have this inborn ability to detect danger. It’s just easy to dismiss when someone is being more convincing, so you need the self-esteem and the courage to be you and trust yourself.

Like I said, I am sorry that you find yourself in your situation. I do wish that you can get through it and learn new things that help you to become a stronger, healthier and happier individual. It requires a lot of work, but it is all worth it.

You are loved.

Hello!

Do not apologize for the length! You have come here to ask for guidance and some understanding and we are here to help you! First and foremost, I respect your attempts at forgiving not only him, but yourself. Sometimes we forget that forgiveness comes from within and it is very essential to acknowledge that. Also, I completely understand the pain and heartbreak you are going through, as I have met plenty of guys online (most long-distance). I am currently seeing someone who lives about 30-45 away from I, and we both have originally met through social media. The problem is that I will be going home for the summer and the next year due to my classes and school ending (transferring and such), and our relationship will be about a 3-hour-distance. I find this frightening; we are in the early stages of getting to know each other and that distance can cause some great damage if a good foundation is not built. So I empathize and know the struggles you are going through trying to heal because that foundation was never built between you two.

We are only human, and make mistakes. He may or may not have been confused about who he wanted to be with, and like you said, chose the one closer and more convenient to him. But he also may have had intentions that were not true or genuine and surely would have not made you happy in the long run. You have to remember that you two created a relationship that was strictly through the use of technology…no human contact was ever made between you two. He could have been someone you instantly knew was not for you, but because you both never met in person, you hold onto this false idea or belief that he was someone you could have been happy with (I’ve done it many times and am still trying to learn my lesson).

The best advice I can offer you is that life does in fact go on, and that there is someone out there for you. I believe in something greater than ourselves. I believe in God and I believe in fate, and I know there is someone out there for me. But we also go through many relationships in the meantime to learn more about ourselves and more about other people. I know it hurts now and the pain can be unbearable at times, but this healing process becomes a very valuable lesson and one that you can hold onto for the rest of your life. Focus on improving things in your life and just be content with the fact that you are alive and well, ready to take on every new day that comes your way.

Letting go is one of the hardest things we can do for ourselves, because we hold onto “what if” or “why”?, when really we need to focus on closure and acceptance. Things don’t work out the way we want to in life, but that’s…life. First you must seek happiness from within yourself and then you can find and provide happiness for others. He is doing what he has to do to get by, and so will you. Take a deep breath, everything will. be. okay. 🙂

~Namaste~