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Why can't I do it?

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  • #56451
    ayame
    Participant

    I’m a 25 year old teacher who has suffered with anxiety and depression for the last 10 years.

    I regularly read the articles on Tiny Buddha and it gives me a temporary sense that I can change and start to feel better about myself.

    I am a worrier who constantly has negative thoughts and have made a habit of beating myself up. Over the last 10 years I have constructed an identity for myself which does not make me happy but makes me feel safe.

    I went out last night after trying to work and failing. I was going to come back early this morning and continue working but ended up going out with friends until the afternoon. It was enjoyable but I couldn’t relax because I couldn’t stop feeling guilty about the work that I had not completed. I came home and completed some work but then started beating myself up for having gone out today.

    I know some people will read this and think I am foolish; some people may even suggest that someone like me shouldn’t be a teacher.

    I just don’t know what to do. I’ve had a course of CBT and have tried anti-depressants; I just can’t seem to kill the switch that keeps my mind in overdrive. I feel that self-compassion just lets me off the hook and that I am destined to be this way forever. It is affecting me physically; I get aches and pains in my chest and head and have been sick in the mornings before work.

    I want to think positively but it always feels like I am duping myself and that hurt and upset are just around the corner.

    I don’t know what to do. I don’t want another year to go by and me still be feeling like this. Life is so precious and there were so many lovely moments today, but I wasn’t fully present and this keeps happening.

    #56452
    Matt
    Participant

    Ayame,

    First of all, thank you for being a teacher. None of us are perfect, and even someone with a racing mind can shine light into the hearts and minds of children. If that fantasy “someone” shows up saying you shouldn’t teach, feel free to give them a kick in the whooha. Or a hug, god knows the world needs more of those. 🙂

    Sometimes when we have issues with mental fixation, it leads to exactly what you’re describing. For instance, your mind was stuck looking at the work as though that was what was needed, and you were ignoring the need. So, the whole time you were out, each breath gets compared to “what should be happening”, and on and on the mind clings, cycles, and creates clouds. “Why aren’t I working”, “why aren’t I enjoying”, “why do I do this instead of that” and so forth and so on. Whew!

    Often, this happens for a few reasons. First, some fear is pushing the fixation itself… afraid that something bad will happen, afraid that we lose value, afraid we’re wasting time… it varies, but something like that pushes.

    A shot in the dark is that perhaps you undervalue how important self nurturing is, how important it is to step away from work when we feel like doing so. Our body doesn’t want to be pushed to the breaking point, its not good for it. When we are relaxed, fluid minded, and open, our work becomes simple, fun, like building something beautiful. When we become overstressed, it becomes a mountain we feel we have to climb. This is why its important to be kind, gentle, and tender with ourselves. All work and no play makes the mind dull, lethargic.

    It reminds me of a quote I heard (attributed to MLK Jr) “I have so much to do, if I didn’t spend a lot of time praying, I’d never get it all done). Basically, self nurturing helps us meet our work with freshness, and is an important part of being alive. Also, as a teacher, you’re exposed to higher than normal levels of stress, lots of homework, making it hard to turn off, unwind. All these conditions lead to cloudy mind, empathy fatigue, burnout and so forth. So, what to do?

    Consider starting a metta meditation practice. Metta is the feeling of inner warm friendship that glows in the chest area, and produces a smooth and peaceful mind. When we practice metta, the mental momentum settles, decreasing the potency of our discursive thoughts. Said differently, if racing mind is like a spooked mare galloping along a path and crashing into brush and trees, bruising… then metta could be described as what removes all the brush and trees from around the mare, so that she quickly realizes there is little to be scared of. Then, maybe she goes an nips at some grass, smells a flower. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested. Once a day for a week, and you’ll certainly notice the difference. Twice a day for a week, and I’ll bet your wings will sprout. 🙂

    Finally, when you notice that your mind is racing, what you can do is move your attention away from the thoughts, and into the feeling of breath in your body. Feel the air move past your nostrils, cooling the cavity back behind your eyes, or the rising and falling of your abdomen. Thoughts are only ripples in the mind, and you can’t beat them with “different ideas”. Rather, we move our attention away from them, and the ripples settle.

    Namaste, dear friend, may your heart lead your mind toward tenderness.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #56453
    ayame
    Participant

    Thank you 🙂

    #56470
    ayame
    Participant

    Well, it’s happened again today.

    It’s almost half past midday and all I have managed to do is a basic sketch of a lesson plan. I still have another lesson to look at for tomorrow (not even thought about the rest of the week) and coursework to look over.

    I feel sick and unable to breathe. The negative thoughts won’t stop coming. I’ve tried using my mindfulness app on my phone, listening to calming music and breathing deeply, but I just feel stuck. I am picking at my skin and genuinely feeling exhausted. I now feel guilty for having been out yesterday and Friday evening and I am scared to work today.

    I am so bloody tired of this! I know I have the power to change so why do I keep hurting myself like this? It feels like I am on a hamster wheel. I doubt myself at every turn and find myself whiling away the hours comparing my life to others on Facebook.

    Has anyone else experienced this? Is anyone else experiencing this? I am trying meditation but I don’t find that it’s working for me.

    #56475
    M Fletcher
    Participant

    ayame,

    While reading your posts, I noticed your use of the word ‘should’; I ‘should’ be doing this and/or I ‘shouldn’t’ be doing that. Our use of the word ‘should’ in our thinking puts a tremendous amount of pressure on us. It also robs us of the pleasure in what we ‘are’ doing. We find no enjoyment in what we ‘are’ doing because we’re so busy thinking of what we ‘should’ be doing.’Should’ makes us a villain, a bad person. If we don’t do what our thoughts tell us we ‘should’ be doing, we immediately become the bad guy (at least that’s what our thoughts tell us we are…wrong). Guilt is often the result of indulging in what we ‘should’ be doing.

    Try taking the words ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ out of your vocabulary and replace them with the word ‘could’. When your thoughts tell you what you ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ be doing…exchange it for the word ‘could’. “I ‘could’ be doing this other thing”. Use of the word ‘could’ rather than the word ‘should’ relieves the pressure our thoughts put on us and helps keep us from being/becoming the bad guy.

    Also and as one who is quite familiar with anxiety and anxiety attacks, I have found it helpful to stop fighting both things. If I allow myself to ‘sit’ with or ‘be’ with my anxiety (I’m trying to learn to actually befriend…hahaha….my anxiety), it passes in only a couple of minutes rather than being an all day event. Another thing I have found helpful is to remember that anxiety is not fatal and is, in fact, my body’s instinctual self-defense mechanism on steroids. Once I realized that my anxiety isn’t fatal, it became easier to welcome it into my life as part of what it means for me to be a human being. I used to do everything and anything I could to resist or deny what, at that time, I considered to be a negative aspect of my personality. I am trying to learn to take a second (sometimes longer) and ask myself what I’m feeling. I’m learning not to judge the feeling as either right or wrong, good or bad. Just ‘feel’ it. Allow it to be whatever it is. Remember, feelings are just that…feelings. They’re not fatal…they’re part of what it means to be human.

    Hope this helps

    RL

    #56476
    ayame
    Participant

    Thank you for your kind reply.

    I am trying to just “be” with it, but it pervades everything I do at the moment. I have always worked incredibly hard and fear failure and being reprimanded. I feel that taking time for myself takes valuable time away from work and I find it difficult to get back into that mind set after “me time” (which isn’t normally that relaxing because my brain is either in the past or the future).

    I do like the idea of getting rid of “should”; it is definitely an issue for me. I do find my anxiety paralysing at times and I find that my attempts to sit with it often make it worse. However, so do ‘distraction’ tasks such as Facebook or going for a walk. I’m now regularly consulting Tiny Buddha for advice.

    It’s like I have all the pieces but I can’t get them to fit; I recently finished a course of CBT which helped me to see where I was going wrong. I think I’m addicted to this kind of feeling; as horrible as it is to wake up with the niggles in my chest and crushing self-doubt, it seems to have set up residence and is now more of a keystone than a guest outstaying its welcome.

    I have read so many things and various things “speak” to me but I can’t seem to find that inner resolve or strength or whatever it is. All I know is that I am not living and it is not healthy.

    #56477
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    How about a sort of “passive” approach? If your mind is already on overdrive, then trying to add more things might be too much. Simply refuse to think further any of the thoughts that come to your mind. Instead of trying to tackle every one of your thoughts, just nod and let them go. Or, interrupt your thoughts. Ever been interrupted constantly? After a while, it’s almost impossible to finish a sentence or even start one. Same goes for your own mind. Just stop the thoughts again and again and again. After a while, the thoughts stop being so intrusive.

    I also think that it would be terribly important for you to take a break from Facebook. It’s not good for you. I was away from there for a long time. When I went back, after a while I started to notice how it deteriorated my mind. I was constantly somewhere else, not in my own life. Seriously, at this point, it would be easier to take away one negative thing than to try to compensate for it with extra activity. Especially if you find it difficult to focus.

    Those two things require much less energy than you might think. You don’t have to introduce new activities or habits.

    #56487
    Rebecca
    Participant

    I’m 30 years old, single with no dependants and all I have right now is my career. I have struggled with anxiety and depression for most of my life but didn’t come to this realisation until an incident in 2010 that forced me to go see my GP and then eventually a Psychologist. I only completed 4 sessions (out of 12) in my first round of CBT in 2010/2011 and only discontinued therapy because there was a miscommunication with an appointment time and I turned up to find that the psychologist wasn’t there. I barely like talking on the phone so I never called back to reschedule and just resolved to the fact that if they knew I needed more sessions they’d follow up with me but they didn’t. Eventually I found my way, got distracted with life and tried not to own the labels – anxiety, depression, dysthymia (chronic depression) – too much all the while still trying to understand what they meant. Another incident in 2012 had me back at the doctors seeking therapy again and I definitely qualified for it but yet again I couldn’t bring myself to call after the stand down period of 4 weeks and make the appointment and told myself I could figure it out again and I guess I managed okay until another incident at the beginning of this year.

    I never felt like CBT addressed the underlying issue of why I felt the way I did or thought what I thought but it was all that was available to me without breaking the bank. Back in 2010 I was prescribed anti-depressants for being moderately depressed but never really being reliant on medication in general I didn’t think I needed them so opted to just do the therapy, however this time around I became a little desperate. I wanted to see if the anti-depressants could bridge the gap better than all the failed attempts at “effort” that I put in over the years. I’ve only been on them for almost 2 weeks now and I will start CBT (again) in a few weeks so time will tell.

    I’ve never felt so alone, so ugly and so ashamed in this journey. Sometimes I wonder if I’m so addicted to the emotional pain and how “safe” it is (because it’s all I’ve known) that I don’t know what I’d do without it and other times I wonder if I just use it as a way to punish myself because deep down I don’t feel lovable or good enough. The advice I keep getting is to reach out to people but I just can’t seem to do that and when I do, I begin to expect more from someone than they’re willing to give then I end up hurting them with the hurt I feel because I feel so out of control with how I feel and how others treat me etc. then I end up back in that cycle that no one really cares about me or what I’m going through.

    Every situation and every relationship in my life is viewed against this backdrop of mental illness – I hate it but the more I fight it the more it zaps my energy. So I can only imagine how difficult it has been for you (Ayame) to have been struggling with it for the last 10 years. My biggest fear is that I won’t or can’t have healthy relationships and I find it so unfair knowing the amount of effort I have to put in to avoid hurting other people with the hurt I already feel. Life gets so exhausting. When I decide to stop trying to fight it and try and embrace it I worry that I’m just leading myself deeper into bad habits. I’m always told that I’m a beautiful person but as soon as people experience my moods they tend to just say nothing and avoid me and I find that hard to deal with so I end up hurting them with my words and my assumptions about why they treat me the way I do, or why they abandon me (or so I feel).

    I really don’t feel like there’s an end to it. I’ve been given so many techniques for “managing” my symptoms but I don’t feel like managing the symptoms deals with the real issue or the root cause and something about my situation and the way I view life makes me believe that if you can understand “why” then maybe that’s where real compassion comes from? or so I like to think. I want a way out but I also want to be understood, especially by the people in my life but that’s also alot to expect of them too, I don’t want to force myself or my situation on to others if they’re not really interested.

    I’m totally lost and confused with what to do 🙁

    #56489
    Bill Lee
    Participant

    Hello Everyone. My name is Bill and this is my first post. I applaud the advice offered here so far. In response to ayame and Rebecca’s concerns, perhaps sharing my journey would be beneficial for you.

    After decades of treatment involving different modalities of psychotherapy and being prescribed powerful psychotropic medications, I discovered a more-effective protocol for treating my mood disorders, which include manic depression, post-traumatic stress, OCD, rage, and addiction. This occurred after I adopted a spiritual practice. By integrating mindfulness meditation and other Buddhist practices with psychotherapy, I noticed that my mood became more stable, I gained firmer control of my thoughts and emotions, and I experienced less anxiety. I also developed a powerful coping mechanism. The frequencies of my nightmares, flashbacks, and ruminations lessened considerably—some had ceased altogether. All this was done with the support of my psychiatrist.

    One thing I learned is that most of the therapy and advice I received was knowledge, which my “adult” ego state received and processed intellectually. However, it was my inner child that was suffering and needed to heal. My spiritual practice has empowered me to alleviate a lot of my symptoms by focusing on nurturing and empowering my inner child. For example, practicing Tonglen meditation had enabled me to cultivate compassion for my past enemies, which heals my inner child. I wish both of you much peace and wisdom.

    #56490
    Tiny Tina
    Participant

    ,

    #56554
    ayame
    Participant

    Thank you to everyone who has responded to my initial posts.

    Rebecca: I am so sorry to hear that you are experiencing the difficulties you describe. Much of what you have written rings true with me; I too avoid relationships and I do think in some sense that I do get addicted to the pain and discomfort that comes from being irrationally anxious. I think that instead of focusing on ‘why’ (I did this for many years and I still don’t know the answer!) it may be better to just accept that this is happening. It is happening but it doesn’t have to stay this way. I am on what is going to be an incredibly long journey; the past two years have been hellish as I have undertaken a career that is both wonderful and woeful. I think that you need to ask yourself some questions that are value-based: What sort of life do you want? Where do you want to be in this moment? They aren’t easy questions to ask or answer, but it might help.

    One thing that I get from what you are saying is the reluctance and fear to leave that anxiety/depression label behind. I feel like my thoughts are intertwined with everything that I am; letting go of this idea is hard but will be one of the most valuable things you do. You are not your thoughts. You are not your illness. You are unique and are here for a reason. I do hope you find peace and please feel free to message me if you want to.

    Can I also thank Matt for the metta meditation link; tried it last night and woke up feeling considerably less anxious. It was very calming and simplified everything so thank you.

    xxx

    #56616
    Rebecca
    Participant

    Ayame, I definitely go between trying to find answers then just giving up and accepting my situation and it can seem like a never ending cycle of contradicting beliefs intertwined with anxiety. It really does help to know that there are people who get it enough to offer hope of a way through it. I know there’s no end to the “why’s” despite how quickly I forget that and still continue to ask anyway but I really do appreciate being reminded that you may never know why and it takes far less energy to accept it than it takes to fight it to no end.

    Bill, thank you for sharing your journey. I feel like my adult ego shoulders the burden of processing the information about my situation/illness too but that deep down it’s actually my inner child that aches. The analogy you gave gives me a better perspective about how to approach the information and hurt now. I know I can’t change what’s happened already but I do agree that compassion is the key and not just compassion for my perfectionist self but for those I felt wronged by in my childhood.

    I’m currently studying part time and one of my papers is on Occupational Stress & Resilience. It’s been so timely in terms of learning about stress techniques and we often talk about meditation and the different types that there are. Meditation is not something I would have considered doing before, it used to make me quite uncomfortable to think about but to hear how it’s worked for others I’m more open minded about it.

    Thank you xo

    #56624
    Matt
    Participant

    Ayame,

    You’re welcome. 🙂 Glad to hear you tried it! If you don’t only let it be an antacid for an upset mind, and keep it proactive (do metta even when not swamped), your happiness will rise like a phoenix!

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #56662
    Bill Lee
    Participant

    Rebecca,

    Thank you for your response. I admire your honesty, self-awareness, and articulate writing skills. In addition to practicing metta as Matt suggested, you may want to explore mindfulness, which is complementary to metta and other forms of meditation. Mindfulness enables me to block out negative thoughts and rests my mind. Cultivating compassion and having better control of our thoughts leads us closer to our true self and inner peace.

    In Kindness,

    Bill

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