I'm an ugly person

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This topic has 5 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 11 months ago by Miracle88.

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August 20, 2014 at 10:59 am #63712

Maddie
Participant

Thank you for reading my story, I have been a regular visitor on tinybuddha, but after months of procastination, finally gathered up the courage to share MY truth – ugly it may be .I want to learn to love myself, without hating other people. I want to focus on myself in a loving way so I can achieve my goals and destiny and help others do it too.
I am constantly comparing myself, my achievements, my place in life, my social standing, my vacations (!) with others and if I am found wanting ( which I am often) I turn it around to be bad about the other person. I hate this, yet I keep resorting to it to make myself feel better. Consciously I know its wrong, but I keep slipping up. I gave up a regular career track to start my own business, but hasn’t gone well. I live with my parents and am struggling with my career. I want to try many things, but I’m so busy in my own head, almost a facebook voyeur, that I can’t move my life along. My family are all high achievers – I feel I never match up and I get angry with my parents for not ‘promoting’ me more. But why should they? I should only be recognized for my own sake. Again I know that is right, but I slip into anger, feel belittled or not helped enough by my folks. My career is my making, but in bad times, its so easy to blame other people and circumstances
Several people who come into my life and become my friends have rejected me, my cousins are so competitive with me, I feel as though no one loves me. I love them and try to please them in every way, but when they reject me, I feel so hurt, I think about ti constantly. I try to suck up to them, ask them what’s wrong, then I keep wondering – are they gossiping about me, just the way I gossiped with them about other people. And I gossiped to get them to be close to me. It’s not right, I understand, I just didn’t know how else to make them like me.
I feel like a misfit in so many groups. I am a nerd who left academia to start her own company. My mother says many of them feel intimidated by me – i just see a fat, ordinary looking body with a doctoral degree who is doing nothing anymore. I can’t understand it – I must be a bad person. Everyone around has so many friends. It’s just me. And in the feeling bad, I forget to be grateful for what I do have- so much more than others.
I am single. I have never been in a relationship. It must be because I’m not attractive/ or I’m highly educated so that puts men off/ or I’m not open enough. But I don’t know – I’ve been doing something wrong.
I WANT to CHANGE. I WANT to get out of my head and start living my life – in happiness. I really think I could be successful and famous too, but not while I’m so worried that I climbed a hill while my cousin climbed K2.
Please help me. What can I start to do. how can i begin the practice that will help me be happy?

August 20, 2014 at 12:16 pm #63717
Inky
Participant
The first thing is to get a place of your own.

The second thing is to take a break from your cousins.

Can you get a “regular” job in the career you just left? Yes you’d be working for other people, but the regular paycheck should put a bounce in your step while you regroup about your own business. Oftentimes we have to scrap what we’ve had so the new creation can be bigger and better than ever.

Hey, I hear you about comparisons. Especially when what your family is doing is to an Epic Scale. I write a book ~ sister publishes one and gets a book series deal. I get a following on YouTube ~ other family member makes an award winning documentary. I graduate from college ~ cousin is a doctor doing groundbreaking genetic research. What else? Oh yes, son is at the top of his sport on a national level ~ another family member makes it on a “World” level in a similar sport. It’s like, if I have a fantasy or a hobby, watch out!! I will be outdone! I know what it is to want something that’s just “MINE”!

So get something “YOURS” and tell no one.

Relationships (love, friendship): Remember (maybe) the Daria episode where Daria studies her cute, attractive sister and takes physical notes? Then she copies her and becomes popular (much to the sister’s chagrin!) What can I say, people are like magpies! It’s sad, really. But ~ see what everyone else is wearing, how they talk, what they do. Copy. Consider a doctoral thesis on it. You might be surprised! Good luck!!
- This reply was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by Inky.
August 20, 2014 at 5:42 pm #63725
Big blue
Participant
Hi Maddie,

Congratulations on your PhD!!

On a personal note, upon BA graduation, I decided nah. I went a while without a direction. Then I found a job and a direction. So, I do have a glint of an idea of your experience.

Building on Inky’s point about creating something that is yours, if your thesis does not fly, I say:

1. Sit in your barrel of lemons and make lemonade. Remain there for a while. But don’t get bitter because of step 2.

2. ‘Travel’ to find something totally new like perspectives and experiences. It must be uncomfortable even disruptive.

3. Go to step 1 – loop until aha moment(s).

Have you ever watched the Brene Brown talk on Ted.com? She describes working on her research and finding interesting things about herself – that she developed to help herself and others, based on research, soul searching, and analysis.

You learned how to ask questions in your PhD program. How to establish a hypothesis. How to gather and sift data.

Get a few nice moleskin notebooks and get busy!!

Some guys will notice your energy / passion, and they will be attracted to you.

What do you think?

Big blue
- This reply was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by Big blue.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by Big blue.
August 21, 2014 at 3:39 am #63751

Will
Participant

As long as you keep comparing yourself to others, stalking them on facebook for signs they’re doing better than you, hating on them when they are, gossiping with people and then worrying if they gossip about you, and defining your worth in terms of how many friends/boyfriends/achievements/admirers you have, you will be unhappy.

You know that these behaviours and thought patterns aren’t helping you. So stop.

No, seriously, just stop. It’s not easy, but it is simple. You ask how to begin a practice that will help you be happy. It’s simple. Be happy. Do the opposite of what you describe yourself doing here.

When you find yourself comparing to others, tell yourself: hey, it doesn’t matter what they get up to. I’ll just worry about my own business. And then you turn to your own next step or favourite project and get stuck in that.
When you find yourself on facebook, tell yourself: hey, look, I’m on facebook again. I know that’s not making me happy, so I’m going to go somewhere else now.
When you find yourself hating on others, turn it around: hey now, self, that’s not a nice thing to think. Whatever good and bad qualities they have, I hope they’re happy with their boyfriend/vacation/stylish new skirt/job prospect/gold medal/new position as president of the united states. We all have good and bad qualities, and we all hope to be happy. So I hope they will be happy, and I hope I will be happy too.
When you find yourself gossiping, change the subject: but enough about that person, what do you think of the situation in Ferguson? Isn’t it crazy?
When you find yourself putting yourself down, try practicing the opposite: I may not have a boyfriend, but I have me. I have my mind, I have my plans, I have my hopes and dreams (and if you haven’t, time to get some!) I really hope I’ll do well and grow happy. I don’t know if all these cheesy lines are going to help with that at all, but I’m willing to give it a shot because being unhappy is just no fun!

Or just, you know, keep a gratitude diary or something. Any little step can be the first one.

I’m not sure if this is helpful, or if it’ll just annoy you. I do know that there are things you can do to change the way you think and act, and through that, change how happy you are. I managed it. So have some others on this forum. It’s a long road, but the weather gets better as you walk along.

August 21, 2014 at 9:39 pm #63785

Anonymous
Inactive

Replying from a personal perspective, as I myself has gone through your situation.

1. Quit Facebook, its of no good. Why do you want to live in a virtual world, when you have so much to see and explore in the real world? Also, I connect with people on a personal one-to-one level, where I can listen to there stories of hardships and tribulations, before they reached the top of the mountain. That is much more fascinating, than browsing through pictures/status update and making bizarre assumptions and eventually compare and belittle myself.

2. Life is not a race, we are here to learn and experience lessons, to become the greatest version of ourselves, not to live somebody else’s life. Stop comparing, you will always be shortchanged…………… because we only see people’s glory through social networking sites, we never come to know the stories behind it.

3. Concentrate on your skills and knowledge, brush it up everyday and fine tune it. Even if you clean toilets, do it to the best of your abilities. You have a doctoral degree, why do you feel inferior to others? Think of those who cannot have any education, even if they desire it dearly.

4. If you wanna compare yourself to others, compare yourselves to the less fortunate. Be thankful, you have your parents, your education, a place to live, all basic amenities i.e. water, food, clothing, etc. Now carry on with this list.

5. Above all be your own best friend. Whenever you seek any answer or have a query in life, answer yourself as you would have to your best friend? How would you have reacted if they asked you the above question? Would you have asserted in a positive/negative tone? So, why speak negative to yourself. Always use strong powerful positive words, they in turn will create your thought, which will create an action and eventually a feeling of hopelessness or purposefulness.

Love and Blessings.
P.S. Be present, train your mind to be here and now, rather than in the past or future. Its a moment to moment decision.

December 9, 2014 at 7:27 pm #69007

Miracle88
Participant

Hi Maddie,
I read your post. I feel that a lot of things in life are not always understood. There are so many things in life that we do not have a reason for. For instance, poverty would be an example of that. The truth of the matter is every person in this world has to be happy for what they have. Comparison is the key to unhappiness.

In reading your post, you seem to be an extremely intelligent, highly educated and driven individual. I feel that if you look at what you are as a person you will find so many wonderful things about yourself. A lot of people don’t get into relationships until later on, but confidence is everything. Believe in yourself. Write down ten things you love about yourself and I am sure you will find how amazing, strong and wonderful you really are as a person. Talking to a counselor could also help you.

I wish you the very best,
Miracle88
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