“If you cannot forgive and forget, pick one.” ~Robert Brault
I used to hate my parents.
I despised them. I blamed them for most of my issues.
I couldn’t do what I wanted to do in life because they would disapprove of it. I couldn’t be a cop or firefighter because those professions didn’t make enough money. I could only study a major that would be beneficial in getting me a job and not one that they thought was pointless, such as psychology or sociology.
I hated my dad for never being there when I was a child. I hated him for always getting angry with me and yelling at me and making me go to my room to cry by myself.
I hated my mom for not sticking up for me. I hated her for not sticking up for herself when my dad would yell at her. I loathed her for her laziness and blamed her for my own because she didn’t teach me to work hard on a task and to persevere through the tough times.
For a few years I felt this intense dislike of them and never told them. My anger kept building and building, and you know who had to live with it and deal with it? I did.
I smiled happily toward them and the outside world, but inside I was dying a slow death.
Dwelling in anger and hate is like drinking a poison that slowly destroys your insides and kills you. There’s a reason why the Jedis in Star Wars say that anger and hate lead you to the dark side.
The reason is because it will eventually cause you to lash out and cause damage to the people around you.
And that’s what happened to me. My façade of happiness crashed down upon me after a few rough weeks during my junior year of college. I had a meltdown and attempted suicide.
Most people will not act as extremely as I did, but that doesn’t mean their pain is any less than mine. I see others who carry lifelong anger and hatred toward their parents because of their childhoods.
It’s a burden they carry with them, and they cope with it different ways, whether it’s through addiction, working too much, or something else that slowly erodes their insides because they fail to address the anger and hatred there.
I struggled immensely after my suicide attempt. That first year, though, was when I started to realize something that would change my life for the better.
Anger and hatred mainly affect the person holding them because they are the one who destroys their life and relationship because of it. You don’t forgive for others’ sake; you forgive for your own.
When I realized this, I started on the long journey that is forgiveness.
I wish I could say it is like the movies, but it isn’t, at least not in my experience.
I have found that forgiveness takes a continual effort over weeks, sometimes months. It’s something you have to consciously do every time your anger arises.
Your anger and hatred fade away over time as you consciously reframe your thoughts and feelings to ones of forgiveness.
I started by first writing in my journal about what my parents didn’t give me when I was a child. I don’t mean things; I mean love, affection, and guidance.
I then started to give myself those things.
And then I learned how to see things from my parents’ angle and have compassion toward them.
I realized that their parents didn’t give them all that they needed. I saw that they were just trying their best and they were human like me, which meant that they had flaws and made mistakes.
I saw that they were every bit as lost as most of us are at times, because life has no guidebook.
I saw the little child within them.
As I started to forgive them, I became warmer toward them and appreciated them more. I started to say “I love you” to them, and surprisingly my dad started to say it back. He had never really said it to me before.
I eventually had a semi-movie moment with my father after months of working on myself. I told him that I hated him for the longest time, that I know he was just trying his best, and that I forgave him for his mistakes. I told him I understood that I was an adult now and was responsible for my future and myself.
My relationship with him changed dramatically after that moment.
It isn’t super intimate but it’s better than it ever was. My father has said “I love you” to me without me saying it first. We smile at each other and have made each other laugh.
I have become close with my mother after forgiving her. I trust her and confide in her about the struggles I go through. I am so grateful to have her in my life.
I love them both very deeply and none of this would have happened if I didn’t learn to forgive.
Learn to forgive others if not for their sake, for yours.
I have learned that as I change for the better, so do all of the relationships in my life.
About Michael Sosnowski
Michael Sosnowski is a freelance web designer, novice photographer, and lover of quotes and self-improvement. You can check out some of his photography work at Free Stock Paradise (link is http://www.freestockparadise.com) and use it for any of your stock photography needs for free.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
A tremendously difficult and important discussion; may many hearts see how they’ve slowly self-destructed because of the poison they refuse to release from their childhood.
Well said!
Forgiveness is an essential first step in the journey, but if you want to take things to the next level, try focusing on the many, many things your parents did that you should be grateful for. You may be amazed to discover how much you took for granted. One day you may find you are so grateful that there remains very little to forgive them for.
For me it is actually kind of being the other way around. I mean, after taking distance from them (essential for my survival) I have been realizing how much of them there is in me (and I don’t mean bad things, but good ones!) and also working with children is making me realize how difficult it is to raise a child, and making me appreciate more what they did. And that is leading to a process of forgiveness. x
Beautifully honest writing. What a wonderful journey you are on – one of taking responsibility for creating a good life for yourself; and it started with forgiveness and openness. Being real and authentic with yourself, for yourself and with others always wins.
Thank you for your words. Both of my parents are gone now. Took me many years of working at forgiveness to let go the anger and resentment I had toward an autocratic, physically abusive father. They both did the best they could and I miss them both terribly but know they would want me to the live my life to the fullest.
how do you know they could want you to have such a good life? they seem to have worked against that for all we can tell.
My father wanted the best for me but he didn’t see me as a separate person. He just had a certifiable personality disorder – narcisisstic personality disorder. As for my mother, she always just wanted me to be happy and was not the abuser. Each of us may have different circumstances but a common theme of abuse by people who should have loved us and cared for us with less dysfunction. Forgiveness I have found sadly can’t be willed, but it’s a personal choice to let go and move on as our lives are what we make it. It is an inherently self preserving act to forgive. As for the them wanting me to live my life to the fullest, It is what I tell myself so I can have some peace as they have both physically passed. There is enough pain without me putting more on myself and my current life. And producer, I was estranged from my father for four years towards the end of his life so sometimes you do need to make that cut for one’s own personal sanity. (I was surprised to get a response to my comment after so many years and wrote my own comment at an emotionally turbulent time very shortly after my father’s passing). Because despite all the shortcomings of my father, there was love there. We eventually come to a place of peace and this I sincerely wish for all. Safe hugs to you.
Brought tears to my eyes . . . this is a piece I will share.
Hi, Michael, I’ve really enjoyed your writing, it was very meaningful to me.
This is very timely for me. It has been a long journey. Fifty-seven years of anger and bitterness and no idea why. Why me. When I stopped questioning and set out on the journey to figure out how to stop blaming and start healing, the process and ques started appearing for me long before I was ready, willing or able to see them, I must admit.
I have chased everyone and everything away because I felt that I didn’t deserve anyone or anything good in my life. My parents never did anything to dispel that thinking. Instead I endured putdowns and insults.
As a 6 year old fearing the neighborhood bully waiting for me after school day after day beating me mercilessly and my mother doing nothing about it or my father for that matter.
Being told I would never amount to anything or I could not do that or it will not work were what I heard instead of encouragement. I was the second oldest of 4 siblings and the first born daughter and thought it had something to do with being the oldest daughter, surely that was it. Well my suspicions weren’t entirely off. My mother did take everything out on me. She could retaliate and boy did she ever. Her anger and resentment toward her mother were her weapons of mass destruction aimed at me her daughter and boy did they destroy.
I wondered why it took so long for the light to dawn. Why did I have to lose my job, my home and nearly my sanity to finally come to terms with this madness?
The many severe head injuries from the beatings by the neighborhood
bully and then my mother and then my now ex-husband took their toll and I
believe the physical damage is just now starting to show.
It is not possible to talk to my parents about this. They will turn me away with more insults because they do not want to face what they know is the truth. But I am okay with that.
I am a loving and generous person with a big heart and I will find myself again.
Your story is really touching; I’m so sorry to hear that you had to go through all that… I know its easier for me to say..but as hard as it must have been for you all this time, instead of thinking ‘why it took you 57 years’ to finally realize that you really are enough & deserve to be happy, find the PEACE in knowing that its never too late to start fresh & be a light in helping others as you did for some by simply reading this brief story that you shared here! Hang in there, follow your heart — do whatever healthy actions it takes to make you WHOLE again. Hope to hear more about this story of yours & the lessons you learned from them, someday in our Tiny Buddha. Thank you for sharing your story, wshnic! Wish you the best. 🙂
I feel how u feel so I understand you completely part of me feel I have healed but deep down in my heart I don’t I truly have my heart goes out to you and you will someday find yourself jus like I have..
Moving forward without forgiveness is impossible. My childhood was mired in child abuse and elect but I forgave them anyway for all the reasons you mentioned…they were doing the best they could as flawed people. I couldn’t have a relationship with them though as they were still abusive into adulthood, but I forgave them so I could move forward. We are now no contact because they are toxic but I have truly forgiven them and now they are just people out there in the world whom I rarely think of at all. This is a good article because it reminds us that holding anything inside and resenting others only hurts us.
I have tried to forgive my parents for many years and I think I’ve been able to forgive them somehow but I cannot have a relationship with them because they are still so toxic. I tried to help my mom and take her to therapy with me and bring her into my life but she continues to be at the age of 67 a very toxic person and I just don’t have the energy any more to deal with her I have been in therapy for over 16 years and she keeps telling me how I am such a bad, cold hearted person.
Awesome post! Thank you for sharing your experience and insight! Inspiring message for sure! 🙂
Thank you Michael. I am starting this journey. I don’t think I will ever have a real relationship with them because they are toxic and still abusive now that I am 30. But luckily I live far away from them now, and I am starting to forgive. It’s hard, and very difficult. But as you said I am doing this for myself, not for them.
Blessings. x
It was a huge relief to me the day that I realized that the lens I saw my parents through was just that, and there were other ways to look at my own past. I realized that my mom’s tendency to leave for a while when things got tough at home was not abandonment but her way of taking a time out, for instance. That some things were beyond her skill set was not my fault or hers. And it’s true that as soon as my attitude changed, my parents changed too. I believe we KNOW how others feel about us even if they never express it, on some level. If one feels constant resentment & anger coming at one from someone else, of course one is not going to be all that loving & warm back.
“And it’s true that as soon as my attitude changed, my parents changed
too. I believe we KNOW how others feel about us even if they never
express it, on some level.” That’s a great point & prob could be applied in some level to almost any relationships in our life, thanks for sharing! 🙂
Good advice, but it’s not for everyone.
This sounds like my story. Thanks for posting it.
I’m really glad I found your post tonight. I needed it.
Hi, Anger makes us blind and disoriented. I was angry with my father for a long time, but as I grew up I realised that I am only hurting myself. I thought by not listening them and disagree with them make me different from them ,,, but it is the same thing they are doing to their loved one … To stop self destruction we have to take care of ourself … If we depend on others for our well being its never gonna happen… Others even your own parents only care for themselves … That’s why some of them incapable of love and forgiveness ….
True, I am 23 years old but the I find the thought of saying I love you to my father disagreeable. I am still not able to forgive him. Maybe that makes me a bad person but I will be okay with it.
I think what Michael Sosnowski is saying In his article, is when the time comes for you, understand that forgiving him isn’t for your father’s benefit, it’s for your own.
If you’re still angry at him think about the feelings you’re having that makes you sick, you can’t change a man, and if you hold on to the thought he might change one day is just a road of misery.
If you forgive him you will be realesed from these emotions
And start living life more
broadly.
This has been a major issue in my life and I think you’ve turned this always walking on eggshells type of gal into one that’s gonna stick her chest out a little more
I want to thank you for sharing your experience. I know that it must have difficult for you to open up about not receiving the love, care and guidance from your parents. I have to give you props for looking past their flaws.
I don’t like being told what to do with my life, since I’m in control of my own destiny. I remember my forcing me to attend college in a different city. Honestly, I wasn’t interested in doing that, because I was comfortable living off campus, and it was cheaper. I told my mom the truth, by letting her know that she needed to respect my decision. I couldn’t understand where she was coming from, as far as independence would go, but she will never understand what it feels like to be a college student. I wanted my mom to respect me as an adult, and to let her know that I’m capable of making my own decisions.
Parents do want what’s best for their children. At the same time, they need to step a side, and allow their children to make their own decisions. I’m thankful that I stood my ground, and I know what I want.
I am pretty sure my parents are mentally ill but in their culture it is considered a shame to talk about these things and the treatment is alcohol and drugs. I only wish I had mentally healthy parents I myself would have been so much healthier. Now I have to pick myself up and make sure I dont do it to my own children. They showed me how not to treat your chidren.
I can relate. I’m certain my father & brother have narcissistic personality disorder and my whole family is toxic. I also, wished they were mentally healthy. That they would get help, but they don’t even acknowledge there is a problem. The taboo and shame they believe in seeking therapy, stops with them. In order for me not to repeat there mistakes, therapy has been key and helpful to both my son and myself.
Best wishes to you and your family. Lately I have developed a belief that its not a cultural thing but a human problem and people of all Nations and cultures have this issue but certain forces are trying to target certain groups as the only source of this issue in order to divide and to control and to manipulate their opinions and believes. Its FAKE in a way. Those who drum up these accusations at others are guilty of the same exact problem. Best of Luck!
I think everyones crazy in this crazy world.
This is what I wanted to read: that forgiveness doesn’t happen overnight. I thought I forgave my mom, but feelings of resentment sometimes arise. Thank you for the reminder!
A child is not supposed to feel what my parents made me feel. The helplessness, the full blown panic. The fear will never go away. It’s always present. Paranoia. I’m a reclusive for my own sake. I’m as afraid of others as I’m afraid of myself. Whenever a conflict arises in the outside world, as minor as it may be, I automatically go fight-or-flight mode. All it takes is for someone to raise their voice. The paralysis, the sinking feeling in your stomach… everything takes me back to my childhood. The fear. The rage. The murderous instinct. It will never ever go away. I’m a scared piece of shit like my father, the difference is I don’t want a child to suffer me. I’ll never forgive my parents for not teaching me love, only a stern sense of responsibility towards family. I hate the world and everyone in it, yet I know damn well this is not how I feel even though I feel it. I want the fact that I’m a loser to eat at the core of their beings. The only reason I get along with my parents is because I don’t want to go homeless. I have no feelings left. Whenever I look at children, I start crying. How could anyone hurt kids? Not talking about a slap if he crosses the street without walking, I’m talking about taking a shower with your brother and out of nowhere you’re taking a belt to your buttocks. I guess it was to establish dominance or something. Fucking small dicked short genetically inferior piece of shit. Your lineage ends with me. Let my brother perpetuate the cycle of pain, as I’m pretty sure he will.
I can empathize with your situation. I am an adult and no longer have a relationship with my parents. I try everyday not to repeat there mistakes with my own son. I have deep residing questions on whether to have more children and can relate to not wanted to repeat my parents mistakes. Please remember you deserve love and to be treated well.
I realized a few years ago that chronic pain, abuse, and deep insecurities are the reasons why they are who they are. I’ve been trying to let go and forgive, sometimes for both of our sake, sometimes just for my own. I am failing constantly. Every time I make some progress, I lash out and then I’m back down on his level. Because I know full well that I made the choice, over and over, not to learn from them, but to be angry and self destruct. The worst part is that I am still in my mid 20s, and I’m now an unpredictable, volatile person because of this this constant ‘resetting.’ They don’t even say anything anymore when I lash out at them. So I’m just like him, but worse.
Me too. I find myself lashing out at my parents, and then all of the old cycles are repeated. We need to remember that our parents created us, without them we would not be here at all and that is already something to be grateful for. It’s hard to keep centered, especially in those terrible and hateful moments, but I’m trying to come back to peace in those times, to breathe, and to remember myself. My parents don’t recognize me anymore as the docile child who accepted everything as a youngster, and they will never see that person again I am sure, but I’ve committed myself now to forgiving them for their angry outbursts I experienced growing up, and for their intermittent neglect. They were great parents in many ways also. I need to forgive them now to reach an inner peace within myself. Letting go. Good luck to you, good luck to everyone letting go
remember that our parents created .. . are you sure? seem some parents were just having fun sex then …. oops i am pregnant.
.. as if you want people to feel worse .. whats up with you ?
It’s ridiculous (to me at least) to be grateful to my parents for bringing me into the world. First off, they could have aborted me, but chose not to, probably due to nonsensical religious “convictions”. Secondly, I never asked to be born. I never asked for the bullshit that growing up brings. Before my conception, do you think I was floating in some kind of “pre-life” state thinking, “Gee, I can’t WAIT to be queefed out into a world of violence and bigotry? Yay!” Hoo boy..
What do you do when your parents feel what they did was ok and that they’d do it again now that they know better?
I tried to talk to my mother about issues I have with my father and brother who have narcissistic personality disorder and she told me that “they did a perfect job raising me” even though they are toxic and lack any emotional support. My parents then chose not to see me anymore. I had already not gone to there house for a month and was trying to set boundaries on the relationship, like only seeing them in public, because they have to think about how they treat me and my family in front of others. I say boundaries are key and if they refuse the boundaries and continue to validate their mistreatment of you, it is time to walk away. I still am dealing with not seeing them and my hate for them and I do feel like forgiveness is a way to help move forward, but I anticipate it could take years to fully forgive.
People push for forgiveness too hard trying to sound morally superior and stuff, you don’t need to forgive because resentment / revenge are evolutionary defenses towards people that want to harm you. Stay NC buddy
The choosing not to see you anymore part could be to make sure you dont expose em or realizing that you’ve seen what they are so they wont be able to abuse you as effectively, rendering you worthless to them. I know you’ll get better though, don’t give up hugs
Very beautiful article, but I guess everyone has different experiences, I’m 16 and I’ve never really been close with my parents, I don’t live with them now, I chose to study aboard, they came to visit me this holiday and that just made me extremely, extremely angry, I just feel like they’re disrupting my peace and routine or something. I don’t know how to talk to them, and I hate that I can’t go out to see my friends without feeling bad, sometimes I despise them so much it’s like I’ve made my own personal hell or something. I don’t know what to do.
omg. and you are only 16. at least you have realised your issues quite early. many of us did at 30s after so much loss and waste and pain.
Actually, my parents are kind. But they have an old mindset and resistant to change. I lived in dirty environment with my parents with dark light and rubbish around. Everytime I want to make it tidy or saying with my parents we must get rid of this stuff. They just said “later!!” but didn’t take any action! this makes me sucks. Don’t know what to do. Feel like I don’t have “me time”. We didn’t have personal room. Everyone together in same room. As time i take my own action to get rid own rubbish, my mother just keep scolding. What to do? I annoyed to them.
This reads like a magical fairy tale: “look! Forgive your parents! It will be tough, but then when you do, they will both magically become the people you always needed them to be.” Maybe this really happened, but in my experience, forgiving my mom is something I have to do every time I speak to her. She has not been changed by my forgiveness, just like she was not changed by my anger. Post like these with the wonderful happy endings make it seem so easy – you can have a new relationship in only MONTHS! Don’t be surprised if your forgiveness means nothing to your parents: you’re not doing it wrong!
trully said. forgiveness seem to be the wrong medicine in dysfunruonal relationshionships. accountability seem to work better.
Currently processing these things. I wish it could be as clean as making a choice to forgive and move on. But the consequences of poor parenting – no advice, no guidance, no practical preparation for relationships and adulthood, never knowing where you stand so you end up feeling insecure and inferior (which people can smell a mile away on you) – have unbelievably devastating effects on a person. I wish more people understood that having sex to produce a child is the easy, fun part. But your life’s work starts the second they’re born and it’s life/death seriously important that you get it right. What you do or don’t do for your children can either make or break their destiny. Yes, I said destiny. That’s what hangs in the balance of parenting.
I’ll be 50 this year and I still detest both of my so-called parents. I wish I could just forget them because the forgiveness part is just too difficult right now.
I detest them for SO many different reasons but one of the main ones is the fact that they both act like I did something to THEM by being born! Like somehow my existence messed up THEIR lives.
At 15, my so-called mother told me that if she had it to do all over again, she would have had an abortion. I told her, I wish she did!!!
My so-called father’s excuse was that they were too young when they had me. Wherever… He is too busy being infatuated with his 2nd daughter from his 2nd marriage. He is currently on his 5th marriage now. But somehow I’M the “problem”. Yeah, right. Okay…
I have no love, sympathy or empathy for either one of them because they have none for me.
My firstborn and only son committed suicide last year and died the day before his 28th birthday. Do you think either one of them attempted to offer me any comfort, solace or support? Hell no! It’s all about THEM. And they know they can’t tell me sh*t because they were complicit in the circumstances that led to my son’s death. It’s called GUILT.
Truthfully, I don’t see any forgiveness anywhere on the horizon for either one of them in the near future. They don’t even care!
My contempt for them is so deep that if they die before I do… I will definitely have nothing to do with it. Nothing at ALL. They didn’t/still don’t care about me or love me anyway. I was just a burden and a child support payment.
This is a great article and topic but… everyone’s individual cases are unique when it comes to this and it’s not always as easy to forgive.
Being born to these two people is why I have never felt like I belonged anywhere and why I wish I was never born and don’t ever want to return. This experience has been ENOUGH.
Feeling unloved, unwanted and never good enough has been my life story.
At the end of the day, I just want to be left ALONE.
Your story is frighteningly real. If anything positive has come out of this though, know that your actions of writing what you have has opened my eyes to help me. Your story has helped me see that the magnitude of the situation I am facing is on a whole other level and I will begin the process of seeing that my Mum and Dad was not really that bad at all. Despite being kidnapped by my father when I was 7, Mum sending a PI out to find me, and then my father supplying me with cannabis to sell when I was 14, and then going away again because of it. Mum still loves me and encourages me, so at least I have that. My father, I don’t want anything to do with him even though he tried to do right. I believe he tried with the only way he knew how. His upbringing was not a bed of roses either. Thank you Shakti
how did your father try to do right by recruiting you, his child, child as a drug dealer? would he do that to a child with loving parents without being beaten senseless? was it not becausr he was abusing his parental authority?
why dont you just accept the truth that he hated you and did not care about you? that ia the struggle some commenting here are dealing with. you are not alone.
How random… why are you posting such negative things under peoples stories ? Very odd ?? You must be batelling a different kind of battle within, i hope you get better soon .
This was so good to read. It sounds like my story so I was glad to find it. My resentment towards my parents is affecting my life and decision to want children.
Yes . Anger is and has always been part of my life and guilt to go with it , guilt of not being able to make them happy . They aren’t and I’ve tried desperately in the past to do it until I became enraged then shut down . None of it works yet I don’t know how else to be . I don’t know exactly what forgiveness means because believe me it’s destroyed my life . I’m not sure about theirs .
Thank you so much for this . It really feels good to know someone faced the same struggles and got over them . 🙂 I needed this .
Good for you.. Another twenty-something giving us yet another Hallmark/Little House on the Prairie moment. You call what you went through abuse? Puhleeze. Not everyone can have this kind of “happy ending”. There are many, many people whose happy ending regarding their abusive parents would be and is to never have to see them and never have to ever speak to them ever again.
yeah. at some point a person awakes to a reality. a bad reality. in that reality… to have a life. a life you never had. your parents. the parents you would have done anything to be with. they have to go. to live. your parents have to cease to be in your life. its a bad choice. but better than the current state pf abuses
am always sceptical with forgiveness as a cure for abuse. i know that because i went through life forgiving thieves and insulting people…. as a nicely saved christian.
those are past days.
nowadays i demand accountability. if a woman cheat on me she also has to deal with a breakup… not forgiveness.
a cuatomer who will not pay my swrvice bills will need to pray to their gods for me to give them service or that henceforth they have to pay for service in advance.
somehow this has restored my balance.
the cost has been heavy. lost family members…. literary. dumped baby mamas. did not even attend my abusive mothers funeral, absolutely with no regrets.
so i try to see where forgiveness features in all this. nowhere.absolutely nowhere.
my aelf esteem has healed. my finances have recovered. my life vision has clarified.
i am yet to make sense of what forgiveness really is or how useful it is. for the time i practised it it led led me to bad areas of life.
Again
may be you are not hearing. Getting people to be accountable has been many many more times therapeutic than forgiving people that are not even repentant to begin with.
Just last week I heavily abused my sister in law because the stupid ass&hole will not leave me alone. sending me uninvited photos when forbidden contact.
so this works for me.
You sound like I a should apologise or something like that.
Until you change youreelf from the inside you will never find peace, i hope one day you find that pesce you so desperately need, no one can truly be held accountable for everything they have done wrong in this world, thats the after life ; thats the only place we will be able to get true justice …. and what do you mean you abuse your sister ?
I called her a prostute and a witch. But she is those things so it wás not abuse as such.
it means I had told her I do not want her contacting me. But she goes ahead and sends me whatapp pictures. I called her a c&%nt and then blocked her.
This has helped me in a way I never thought anything else would
I spent so long trying to be good enough for my parents, that I forgot how to feel. Not only did I hide any anger from them, but I hid it from myself (I had no idea it was there until I read a book about a girl whose therapist kept coming back around to the idea that she is full of suppressed anger). I am trying to acquaint myself with it slowly, and am actually quite optimistic that once I feel all my feelings honestly (without suppressing or exaggerating them) I will be able to trust myself more because I know what’s there.
However, I am hoping to move out soon, maybe only temporarily because of financial reasons, because I think the distance could be helpful and it’s time.
How do you forgive? I grew up with an alcoholic abusive father who died when I was 20, but I blame my mother for not shielding me, and for sharing with me the horribleness of her childhood and her marriage when I was only 6 or 7. It was too much to bare. She is 73 now and when I try to talk to her about it, she gets defensive and will not validate my feelings, which makes me resent her more.
Bravo for sharing your story Michael, it’s deep and so true, thank you! You should be proud of yourself, most people die resentful.
What if my father was mean and continues to be towards me and my mother? What can i do if he continues to abuse us psychologically? How can i engage in a conversation if he treats us like garbage? Me and my mother carry so much anger and pain within us and we cannot find a solution. He always behaves like a dictator, always wants his way, refuses to listen to us and shouts like a psychopath when he gets angry.
Thank you for posting this
I really want to follow what the article says, but its just so hard. My parents are divorced and my dad cares so little he doesn’t even remember how old I am, and I constantly feel like (and get examples of) my mom simply doesn’t care much for me. No, I shouldn’t say that, its more like I feel like she doesn’t give me any attention, and when she does, it’s usually the negative kind. Lately she’s also been getting extremely ridiculous in terms of “house rules. “I’m also alone most of the time in school and the other kids are always rubbing it in by talking amongst themselves, sometimes getting the whole class, me included, in trouble. So I don’t get a break outside of the house either. I’m starting to just hate it all. And I bet a lot of the people who read this is just going to tell me to brush it off, stop complaining, and deal with it. Most of the people I’ve tried to talk to have already done that, or ignore me completely. I hate those people.
I’m sorry. It truly is a harsh world. I have nothing to comfort you except say that times will change. Everything changes eventually. You’ll grow up and have your own life, find people that you like and care about and vice versa. I know that this does not alleviate your immediate pain but keep hope for a better tomorrow. That is all we can do in situations where we have little or no control. Know that your voice is being heard and that I keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Don’t let your personality be dictated by the people and circumstances around you. As long as you preserve your inner true self, you can always find a place where you belong. I hope and pray everything works out for you. Be strong, my dear.
Hey mate, I just want to tell you that you’re an important, worthwhile human being. I wish I had someone to tell me this when I was younger. So I’m telling you this now: I don’t know you but I believe that every human on this planet is born worthy of feeling good, you are valuable, and you will know what it’s like to be loved and truly love someone I promise you that (if you are open to it). I know from personal experience how f***ing hard life is when you don’t feel loved and validated by your parents then have to go to school and try to fit in when you’re just not feeling great or worthy of anything. Not all kids in high school understand this stuff which is why they say/do things that can be damaging to your flow. Remind yourself every day that you’re important, and when you finish school there is a whole world out there of likeminded people who will be excited to meet you and become a part of the family that you create for yourself.
Indifference is better than forgiveness. With indifference, you can move on without giving your undeserving abuser something to squander.
Forgiveness is I agree done for yourself. But I think if you are angry you are allowed to be angry for as long as you want until you are ready to really not care. I know we are talking about parents here which I will get back to in a moment but say a friend of yours makes a mistake and they do it again and a again ~ if this friend was pure of heart I could see their good intentions, I’d be angry but I wouldn’t hold a grudge or punishment them. I’d see this person with poor judgement and help them. But, on the other hand there are toxic people who will come to friend you in your life or want to date you and you may have to go through a bit of pain to realise enough is enough and in this case, you let go, letting go is usually the hardest part and you forgive for you for your inner peace.
With my parents I can forgive. I’m aware parenting doesn’t come with a book although these days there are plenty to go by but if your Mom or your Dad said I was wrong to do that. I made a decision and it didn’t work out – I think for me if I can hear the acknowledgement for some thing or the way they reacted – because yes I know parents have flaws but it helps to know these things as a child, or a teenager. “Mommy was sorry she said mean things, I was all worked up but I didn’t mean any of them.”
I believe if you can do apologises your child will too, after all you are of your parents making, {I am their creation} beyond that, are the choices you make, choices you make when you are in pain or faced with a situation. Old fashioned parenting has never required an apology and the worst is when they don’t see themselves in the wrong, they rationalise it out, they say it was in your best interests. I’m the parent you are the child. You do learn to be angry because certain siblings go unpunished and you know that they’d come on a tonne of bricks on you, but your sibling has it easier. Let’s just say learn to meditate or try yoga or a sport for you, not for your parents or anyone else you are doing it for you. The force of pureness for yourself comes from within you
Look, I’m really sick of people making excuses for people’s bad behavior. They did their best and it was terrible? Boo hoo. Forgiveness is one thing but people who hurt others still deal damage whether they mean to or not.
I’ve had my own abusive parental relationships and once my understanding of their behaviors filled my mind only one thing was left behind: disgust.
My father was a weak, pathetic control freak of a man, just like his father. He didn’t have to be like his father. No one out a gun to his head and forced it. He had the same choice I have now, TO NOT BE THOSE THINGS and he chose badly.
My mother was codependent and ignorant of how to be an adult. She could have decided to NOT put all the personal and financial troubles onto her son. But what did she do? She chose wrong. Just because it’s a hard choice does NOT mean you get a pass when you choose badly and make the same mistakes over and over again and nauseum.
I’ve been forced to make hard choices my entire life. And I have screwed up. But I don’t use my own shortcomings as an excuse to make the same bad decisions over and over again.
People like you do NOTHING but take the personal responsibility out of the abusers hands and put it all into yours. Maybe you do this as a coping mechanism, a way to forgive yourself for some unknown slight, or a way to empower yourself but I have a message for everyone.
Forgive, but don’t forget. And don’t be nearly foolish enough to think that someone’s going to change or not be what they are just because they’re forgiven.
They LET those people break them. Drug addicts continually get clean everyday even after YEARS of failed attempts. The mentally ill cope with their illnesses after years of experimenting with the correct medications levels and therapy, people with disabilities go on to achieve in the face of, or because of, their limitations, etc.
No one is perfect, including myself. But that’s no excuse to continue to be abusive.
The only person to blame for being permanently scarred and wounded to the point that you hurt your child is that person. They may have their reasons for starting that way but there’s only one reason to stay that way.
Their own weakness.
This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever read and it pisses me off like you wouldn’t believe. The sentence; “they’re humans and make mistakes” especially made me have to take a few calming breaths. Maybe you have it in you to forgive asshole parents, but I genuinely loathe them and have since I was eight. Can’t even move out because internships in my chosen field of work don’t pay a damn bit. Got 4 more years of study before I can get a job and probably 2 more years after that before I can move out comfortably. The thought of spending years with cucks like this made me depressed, now it just makes me furious. Never entertained the idea of killing them because I don’t wanna spend my life in jail because of them. Never tried suicide either for the same reason because I don’t want to die because of some assholes I hate and couldn’t give a damn if they wake up the next day.
On second thought I do give a damn, but more along the lines of hoping they don’t wake up. God that would really make my day. Never believed in Hell but they can rot there. I’m just glad they don’t torture my younger sister like they did me.
Thanks i needed this because im still a kid and didn’t want to hate them through adulthood thank you
So relevant to my life right now… I’m at that point where I have forgiven them but haven’t met up with them for the first time since going on this journey (which involved confronting them with a lot of things and being honest about how they’ve impacted my life). I feel like being around them is going to be anxiety provoking, and I’m embarrassed about everything that I’ve been open with them about, because I grew up in a household where I never felt safe enough to talk about what was going on for me. As such I haven’t made an effort to see them yet. I guess I should just take the plunge and see what happens?
Also Michael, thank you so much for sharing your story it’s actually helped me a lot…. I never even hugged my dad until I was 22. I’m 27 he has never told me that he loves me. I’ve realised that both my parents have their own trauma and that this explains a lot… it is easier to forgive when you look at it from this angle
M, keep up with the good work & improvements =D <3
Thank you for sharing this. I needed it and it’s exactly what I needed to read and start doing.
I am not sure how I never came across this article. I have read so many from tiny buddha. It feels like a moment from iRobot where Will Smith had to ask the right question to get to the root of the puzzle. It struck me suddenly that I have suffered through hatred. I literally hated how I was raised and how I always felt incompetent without the proper guidance. I hope I can really find solace the way you have found it. I feel like I am on that path now and hoping to forgive everyone and myself. I found the connection to my struggle through this.
It’s so sad that you were the one to have to forgive and say “I love you” first.
Good advice, but it’s definitely not for everyone. Me, I’ve got a different problem. . . .I told them everything. My dad just yelled and shut me out and whines that I’m picking on him. My mother promises not to stonewall me again and she stonewalls me the very next week.
I LITERALLY want to murder both of my parents right now, every day for the past month while I was coding or reading, a part inside my head just swells up and I feel a pressure that almost tickles. I think it’s my amygdala, because everything I hate about them floods and plays on repeat and this always occurs in the afternoon. Not to mention, I’m hyper aware of all of my actions when I commit them.
They both take credit for my good aspects but blame every bit of my negative emotions on me: “You did that to yourself.” they are both psychologically abusive, emotionally retarded, and I’ve imagined a world without them lately, such a world instigated through me taking THEM out.
Yes, I’m seeking therapy.
Yes, I’m fully aware this thought process isn’t normal.
Yes, I’m very much aware that I’m not well.
Sometimes I imagine taking my own life and leaving them both notes about how the cause of my suicide was because of them. I imagine feeling nothing and not having to deal with this pain every day anymore.
Always something.
All my life i’ve been a lonely child and an even lonelier adult simply because i didn’t get any love, affection and support from my mom who wasn’t a bad person at all but who didn’t know how to raise a kid with love. For her it was all about discipline and practicality, she didn’t think or know that children need nurturing and love. I grew up in a family of no physical contacts so no hugs, no kisses, nothing. From childhood i’ve been dealing with many many fears, fear of the darkness, fear of being alone in a room, fear of sleeping alone in the dark, fear of being ridiculed, the list is long. Till i turned 38 i still wasn’t able to sleep alone unless the lights were on the entire night and even then i’d stay awake most nights waiting for some sunlight so that i could sleep. As an adult i was so desperate for love that I fell for the first guy who showed me some love and made the biggest mistake of my life that led to a physically and emotionally abusive marriage. My marriage failed but it took me years of therapy and years of depression to decide i needed to take charge of my life and got a divorce. I tried to take charge of my life and deal with my loneliness and depression alone as my mom failed to understand what i was going through. I did an okay job of it because i was staying alone and realised that being lonely is better than being with toxic family relations. However my mom visits me often and these times are still very very stressful for me. Those times bring out the worst in me and try as hard as i can, the resentment is always there. I also found out that most of my childhood fears were to do with how she would punish me by locking me in dark rooms or hiting me or leaving me alone. I’ve tried to forgive her and give her all the understanding that being spoken about here but it’s very difficult. Yes, this is true, i’m the only one stuck in my anger and resentment. Yes, i’ve also tried to make her aware how she’s affected my childhood and how she still makes me feel useless and inadequate, but she’s gotten upset with me all these times saying she’s done the best. I struggle on a daily basis and i wish i knew how to really heal because i know i need it for my peace of mind and survival. But i’m clueless ….
I don’t hate my parents, both have gone out of their way to give me the best they could. But
my self loathing depression in which on my 19th birthday I tried to commit suicide by eating rat poison. I just vomited it all out. But my anger is not at my parents, but towards my self for repeating mistakes again and again. I am stuck in a job abroad until mid summer 2020. No friends I have made since I only speak English.
I wish it could be as easy as making a choice to forgive and move on. I wish people who aren’t ready or worthy to have children that God wouldn’t allow them to…It’s a great injustice in the lives of so many unfortunate, innocent children being born into awful homes and situations. So many children are born VICTIMS into a home and life of their parents uncaring negligence, drug issues, sex issues, mental issues, all types of issues and become the scapegoats of their parents FKD up lives into adulthood.. the consequences of poor/bad parenting there is NO preparation for… and your relationships and adulthood, never knowing where you stand so you end up feeling insecure and inferior AND also carry scars and a stigma that have unbelievably devastating effects all the way into adulthood and beyond. I wish more people understood that having sex to produce children is the easy, and the fun part, BUT your life’s work starts the second they’re born and it’s seriously important that you get it right. What you do or don’t do and how you treat and raise your children can either make or break their destiny and leave not only life long scars, issues, stigmas but lifelong after effects and mental, emotional, physical issues!!. That’s what hangs in the balance of parenting. Treat and teach your children well they after all are a “replica” of YOU and what they live- products of their environment and upbringing!!