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Appeal from a Broken Heart

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  • #70328
    Hannah
    Participant

    I’ve never posted on a forum before, never had the thought or need to do so, but I’m ready to do something different in the hopes of finding clarity. You see I’ve recently had my heart broken. We had been together for 2 and half years, going from meeting and instantly falling in love, to living together, to realizing we’d perhaps jumped the gun and separating, to dating again. I know there were warnings. I knew going in the second time around that we were facing some very real obstacles, and in all honesty we/I didn’t do a great job at fixing them. We jumped straight into the honeymoon period and let our comfort with each other have us fall back into our old routines. Although some were unhealthy, not all of them were bad, and the thought of losing out on some of them hurts so incredibly.
    I recently took him away for his birthday at the end of December. While we had lots of laughs and some great conversations, I don’t think the trip lived up to either of our expectations, but I knew, or thought I did, that it would all be okay in the end. On New Years Eve he ended it. Perhaps I should have seen it coming, but I felt blindsided. My emotions took over and I begged him to reconsider. He said he’d take a couple of days and we could get together and see where his head was.
    He arrived at my place yesterday with a big box in hand, everything I had left at his place. The hope I had been holding out on instantly vanished. He stayed for a bit and talked, but I realized that with his mind made up there was no point in asking for a different outcome. I have to think that a relationship, a loving relationship, isn’t going to come through bargaining or pleading. I know that I want to be with someone who truly, without a doubt, wants to be with me to and I need to respect his decision.
    The wounds are fresh and I know the pain is at its maximum, but I just can’t seem to fathom that I will one day feel better, or that this pain will lessen. I’m revisiting times in my head I wish I had acted differently, wondering what or if I could have done something to prevent this. I’m mourning for all the experiences I’ll never have with him. And of course when I feel the burning of tears all I want is to call him, for in that moment it feels as if he is the only one who can help it subside.
    To end, does anyone have thoughts on what I can do to start to heal? Or similar experiences and the insights gained that you’d like to share?

    #70541
    nate
    Participant

    hello – this is essentially my story – but I am the man and the woman is walking away from me – i am also having real trouble finding closure – it has even surprised me how difficult this has been – like you i had some concerns – but she assured me she wanted me – I was the greatest thing to happen to her, etc etc – in fact, here are some of her words …”I’m happier now that I have you in my life…more than I’ve been in a long time. I’m excited to put in the work that it takes and make the changes that need to happen so that we can be a team..” – “I really do want you to know how lucky I feel to have you in my life. Not sure what I did to deserve such a loving and wonderful man”…”I do love you, and I can’t remember being quite this happy in a relationship before. In my own humble opinion….we were meant to find each other for some reason…there are more that are similar -she wanted a family with me – the whole bit…like you we moved in together – and things seemed to unravel and it was a struggle to make it a year – I just don’t understand what women/people want/expect – i have been in the same job for 18 years – am well educated with multiple degrees and a 2 graduate degrees as well – obviously i am emotionally aware (because I have found this site 🙂 ) am willing to talk and work through things – I am faithful – like you there were struggles but also a real connection – then slowly she says she just grew unhappy without really an explanation as to why…i am still searching as well – probably too hard – i recently watched “the secret” – i might suggest you do the same – you can find it on netflix – thanks for listening and hope for the best for you…

    #70663
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi sondersome,

    It’s so easy to look back and play scenarios in our mind about our parallel universe if we did THIS or did THAT. Said THIS or said THAT, etc., etc. It can drive you nuts.

    Also, there is no good time to break up, but I hate it when I hear men dump their GFs during or around a holiday. That’s just setting you up to feel sad on New Years.

    And bringing your stuff when you were supposed to talk? Another thing.

    These are just irritants, and I’m just a stranger, but please don’t play mystery solver when he did two “You gotta be kidding me buddy” gaffs.

    Keep doing what you’re doing. Don’t beg, don’t plead. Think of his breaking up with you as a gift to your future self. He broke up with you so your future self would have to do the dirty work on him.

    May You Find Love and Happiness,

    Inky

    #70665
    Hannah
    Participant

    Hi Cycloman,
    Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I to feel if I could grasp some sort of closure I would be able to know that one day I will heal. But I don’t think I’ll be able to find it in or with the help of anyone else but me. Last night I sat in bed struggling not to pick up the phone and dial his number. I have so many questions (although quite honestly I’m sure in the moment all of those calm and collected thoughts I would want to ask would just fly right out the window) and of course objections to what has happened. But I know him, and I know what to expect from him, if he had picked up that is. I would hear myself pose a question in my head and I would hear him answer it, and it most definitely would not be what I wanted to hear. So I didn’t call, instead reaching out to a dear friend.

    I have to wonder why the ones we loved gave us such reassurance, only to turn around and take it away. Part of me believes that they were trying to reassure themselves as much as they were us, and unfortunately in the process hurt us deeper than intended. Maybe they really did feel that they loved us and believed without a doubt that they wanted to be in the relationship.
    My friend told me last night that I just have to be sad for a while, an obvious statement, but so very true. There is just no way around that fact. The hurt is overwhelming, but it hurts because it was something wonderful even if it ceases to be now. No break up can take away the good times away from us, they were very real.

    A big struggle I’m finding, and maybe you are as well, is the feeling of “how the heck am I supposed to move forward from this?” It is one of the worst. I think as humans we have this fundamentally flawed error of associating all of our future activities with our partner at the time (whether planned or not) and then when we break up we naturally think that all of those planned activities are no longer possible. Let’s remember that this is not true, everything we want and planned to do can and will happen. And just maybe through it will start to heal.

    We all deserve to be with someone who truly and honestly wants to be with us back. I hope so much for you that you find that for yourself.
    – H

    #70666
    Hannah
    Participant

    Hi Inky,
    Thank you so much for the words. I will try to be kind to my present self, and hopefully one day move to a place of knowing that future me will be stronger and happier. I have wonder if there’s any ‘quick fix’, or something I can do to start healing, but I’ve realized I just need to be (and it’s okay) sad for a while. The day when I wake and it’s not quite so painful is the hope I’ll hold tight.
    All the very best,
    – H

    #70673
    Matthew
    Participant

    Hi sondersome,

    I see a lot of what brought me to this site in your post. It reads very similar to what happened to me and I definitely understand what you are going through. You should give yourself some credit and praise for realizing a relationship should be with someone who wants to be with you not something you have to beg and plead for – it takes others a long time to realize this. I too was dumped on a holiday (Halloween). I know that feeling of wanting to pick up the phone and call that person – I myself had so many unanswered questions that I had to try to let go of – and I had to take her number out of my phone to resist the urges after awhile. For me the thing that hurt the most was knowing I did everything I could to support and love her and at the end it was almost like she was disgusted with me. Ultimately I realized none of that mattered, her opinion stopped mattering, I knew I was a good person and I could walk away from the relationship knowing I did everything I could to try to make it work and it just wasn’t meant to be. Thoughts like that might not be comforting yet, you are going to feel sad or lost for awhile, that’s okay and normal I believe. The key is that you don’t stay in that place longer than you need to – you won’t immediately bounce right back and you should allow yourself time to grieve but don’t let this experience lead you to a stagnant place where you are shutting the doors on the opportunities of life (if that makes any sense).

    I think everybody is a little bit different so what seems to be working for me might not necessarily work for you but I’ll offer up what I am doing to try to progress. I think the most important thing is that you focus on yourself and be selfish for a little while. Be kind to yourself and realize that even though things didn’t work out with that person, your wants and needs are just as legitimate as theirs and you have a right to happiness yourself.

    It’s been about two and half months for me and many days have been a struggle, I honestly have to take it hour by hour some days, but I’ve tried applying different techniques to cope and not stay stuck in the feelings of sadness. Sometimes I go for a walk or run, sometimes I take a few minutes to go to a quiet place and meditate, but I always try to keep a firm grasp on the present moment. Sometimes I just sit and try to find the gratitude for all the blessings in my life right now. I’m at a place where it helps me to acknowledge the events that have led me to this place but to not dwell on them. I feel them, acknowledge them, and move on. For me the thing that has helped me the most is forming a routine around all the things I had been putting off doing. Getting in shape the way I had been planning for years, finishing up my degree program and certifications, trying things I’d always wanted to do like tai chi and cooking classes. I started working on improving myself and I’m slowly seeing the way this breakup has led me to being a better version of myself. I’m seeing how my reaction to the adversities of life are changing to more positive responses – I’m gaining a gratitude for all the positives in my life that wasn’t there before. I feel like I’m becoming a stronger person.

    Ultimately the hardest thing I’ve had to do throughout all of this was forgive my ex and show her compassion. It went against everything I felt, everything my friends has suggested to me, every response I would have had in the past. I choose to take a different approach this time and from the sounds of it you are trying to do something similar yourself. Don’t beat yourself up if you get tripped up by feelings of sadness. There are things I do and see on a daily basis that remind me of my ex or things we had done or planned to do that stir up those feelings. Just remember you are a work in progress. Not everything you find on this site might work for you or will be something you believe in but try to have an open mind (if you would have told me a year ago I would be meditating daily I would have laughed in your face). But I can promise if you put yourself first right now and show a little love and forgiveness to yourself – in time you will heal. I’ve felt just the way you are feeling right now, I get it completely, and I wish I could say there’s a quick fix to make that pain go away but there just isn’t (at least not one that is healthy for you). There’s several good blog posts on here that might help to bring you out of that frame of mind when you are feeling down. Something I like to do is whenever I’m hit with those feelings of sadness or longing, I pull up a blog post or search through some motivational quotes.

    I wish you the best with your recovery, you are not alone, and it’s hard to imagine right now but if you let it this will make you a stronger person one day.

    Matt

    #70674
    nate
    Participant

    @ Matt – not sure if this somehow goes against forum etiquette – but i just want to say thank you to Matt – your words were great – I am in a very similar place as you describe – thank you – and thank you to Sondersome for allowing me to say so…

    #70751
    Irene
    Participant

    @Sondersome – Hang on there sister, i was in your place few months back. I didn’t even see it coming, a day before he disappear on me he still kissed my forehead and told me how happy he is with me. He disappeared and when i call him, he broke up with me. We’ve been together for 4 years. Never in my life i thought he will do this to me, someone that i trusted with all my heart. What i’ve learnt is that, these people, who broke up with us, they already left the relationship long before they actually broke up with us. It’s not a matter of thing that you think for an hour, a day or two. They’ve checked themselves out long before they pull the trigger. This thinking kind of helped me moved on. Why i should stop living my life when he is happy out there with someone else? (he got into a new relationship a month after we broke up).

    I understand how you feel, there will be days when waking up from the bed is the last thing you want to do, you dream about how he will come back to you and realize his mistake. Sadly to say, this won’t happen. What helped me back then is to see a therapist for my anxiety, exercise whenever the anxiety kicks in so i’ll be too exhausted to think, read on articles on Tiny Buddha, wrote a letter for myself telling myself that there’s no one capable of always being there for you forever except myself. I read this out loud whenever i feel bad, some sort of assurance that i’m not alone, i have myself, even if it feels lonely sometimes and some days are harder than the others.

    i also keep replaying this song : http://youtu.be/LO36F–Vn1g again and again. Or listen to Ajahn Brahm talk :

    or
    http://youtu.be/N2BAth7mQkw

    he may be a buddhist monk but his talk is easy on any beliefs you believe in.

    To sums it up, exercise, eat well, take care of yourself, listen to inspiring talk, and start working on yourself and accept that some people are just not meant to stay. After months getting out from the depression, i’ve met a lot of new people and it makes me realize, my ex weren’t so good at all. There are a lot of better person out there for me and most importantly, i learned what caused the break up, where i need to fix myself so i won’t repeat the same mistake in my next relationship.

    Hang on there, i love you, we’ll get through this together.

    #70954
    Matthew
    Participant

    Nate,

    I’m glad to read you were able to get something out of what I said, it feels good to know that through my experience I can maybe make things a little easier for someone else.

    Hang in there, things get better.

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