Write letter to ex or not

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This topic has 8 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 10 months ago by Calvin.

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January 12, 2015 at 8:48 am #71164

Jeff
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First of all I would like to say that most of the advice I see here is excellent.

So my story is that 3.5 months ago my wife informed me she wanted a divorce. She stated that we had grown apart and we would be better friends than partners. We have been married 14 years and have 3 children. Initially I asked for separation and counseling and she told me that it was far gone. She stated that she was tired of walking on egg shells around me. So during our marriage there were times of heated arguments but no physical abuse.
So I am still completely devastated and actually the last week has been the worst.
My dilemma is that I want to send her a letter showing that I am trying to change. I am attending counseling, I have been more in touch with my kids and I have let go of most of my anger and actually haven’t yelled in 2 months.
The problem is, most say not to do this.
I want her back but I don’t want to beg and plead..
Any help in this matter would be appreciated.

January 12, 2015 at 1:41 pm #71181
Doreen Dawson
Participant
Hi Jeff,

Arguments in a relationship can either bring you closer together or pull you apart. In your case it seems these arguments have damaged beyond repair in her eyes. I notice at times, women do not speak their opinions and have problems expressing their feelings so instead they look for an exit aka divorce. Have you talked to her about why she walks around egg shells around you?

If it is because of your behavior and you are willing to change, I would wait and focus on yourself more. If she really cares about you she will see that you are changing for the better and reconcile with you. But I wouldn’t force this.
- This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by Doreen Dawson.
January 12, 2015 at 2:13 pm #71183

Yue
Participant

Hi Jeff,

When someone we love is no longer in our life, it is quite natural to think back on what we can do to change the outcome but I agree with Doreen in that actions speaks lounder than words. For your wife to make a decision like this, she would have thought it through and it is unlikely that her opinion will be swayed by words alone. If heated argument is an issue, it is probably unwise to confront her in anyway since that will only re-affirm her decision in this regard.

The other thing to consider too is if you write a letter to her and she didn’t respond in a way that you expect her to you are only opening yourself up to more heart aches, not the mention the anxieties you will feel while waiting for a response. So instead of worring about her opinion, focus on yourself and if the changes are effective, people will notice without you saying anything. If she comes back in a few months time, great. If not, you would have made the foundations to move on in your life.

Hope it works out for you.

January 12, 2015 at 8:38 pm #71201

Maggie Black
Participant

This happened with my husband and me (29 year marriage)
I felt I walked on eggshells too. I finally told him 6 months ago that I needed to be alone.
He moved out but hasn’t given me peace since that time. His pleading has pushed me farther away.
He tells me he can’t live without me and that he isn’t going to make it and this makes me so sad.
I cannot do anything about it because I don’t love him and cannot live with him.
So if I were you, I would give her space and let her have her time alone. If she loves you she will come back to you.
I wish you well. I know this hurts so much.

January 13, 2015 at 5:38 am #71206
Inky
Participant
Hi Jeff,

I would send the letter. Even if it makes it 1% better, why not? If it makes it 1% worse, well, so what, at this point?

I would let her go but you have three kids together. I would gently explain that the cost, time and energy of attorneys will take away money, time and energy from the children. It would be better if you treat her with polite respect, as you would a nice stranger and co-parent the kids. Remember, she’s “right” even when/if she’s wrong. Let her be the Head Parent, but always be there, always be OK with anything. Maybe when she sees this side of you more often, things can start to turn around.

Good Luck,

Inky
- This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by Inky.
January 13, 2015 at 6:47 am #71208

Anne
Participant

This was a factor in what happened to my husband and me, too (20 years together, 12 married)

Write the letter, but don’t send it. I agree with Maggie above – anything like that from my husband pushes me further away, makes me feel like he doesn’t respect that I’ve told him what I need – he just cares about his own need to have me back.

I am sorry that you’re going through this. It gets better, I promise

January 13, 2015 at 7:34 am #71211

Calvin
Participant

You have my thoughts and best wishes. This will be the most difficult experience of your life. Writing a letter is the tip of the iceberg in that you will be faced with decisions on a daily basis over the next years and balance of your life. The number one priority right now is your children. Your children will keep you focused on what is truly important. Your sincere offer to your wife for counseling and trial separation was a very brave step. It shows vulnerability and your willingness to be honest in your imperfection. Her refusal to go down this road I’m quite sure is like a sledge hammer hitting you in the chest. Regardless of what has been said between the two of you, you obviously shared a great deal of love and companionship. She now has withdrawn her vulnerability and I’m very sorry to say…it will not return. You are now in a complete state of shock and grieving. My suggestion is not to bother with the letter. If at all possible (although believe me, I know it is virtually impossible) don’t acknowledge and vulnerability towards her in the form of longing, begging, pleading, anything more than business like communication regarding your kids. Eat well (you’ve probably dropped a few pounds in the last 3.5 months), find a few close friends to breakdown to once in awhile, continue counseling, exercise, a be an amazing role model for your children. The less you think about “her”, the better.

I wrote letters…and believe me, nothing positive comes from it.

Live for yourself and your children now. There is no quick fix to this. Forgive yourself for feeling HORRIBLE. It is absolutely necessary and perfectly normal. In my experience, the more you attempt to “act” happy, the easier day by day gets. Life is full of beauty and you will be able to see this from YOUR point of view eventually…not from a COUPLES point of view.

I wish well sir. Be strong.

January 13, 2015 at 9:23 am #71216
Maggie Black
Participant
Brightside,
You made this comment to Jeff which I found very interesting.

. She now has withdrawn her vulnerability and I’m very sorry to say…it will not return.

Will you talk a little more about this. Why do you feel sure it will not return, specifically.

Thank you!

( I have tried editing this to stop the quotation but have not found out how.)
- This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by Maggie Black.
- This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by Maggie Black.
January 13, 2015 at 10:12 am #71228

Calvin
Participant

Thanks Maggie. Belief in the fact that it will can only lead emptiness and procrastinating self reliance. I believe that what Jeff has done as far as efforts to make things better as a couple has been shot down by his wife. Right now, it’s not about what actions will work to convince her otherwise, it’s about Jeff’s actions leading towards happiness on his own. Spending time thinking & trying to figure out how to convince her to become vulnerable again is the exact opposite of the approach that Jeff should take for his own & his children’s well being.

Hope that helps.
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