Broke up and broken

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February 21, 2015 at 9:52 am #73094

Elle
Participant

Hello, This is my first post to this forum but I was encouraged by all the kind discussions I see here so I wanted to share my story.
As you can guess from the title, this is about a break-up but this isn’t your usual break-up story. We met 4 years ago. We were both successful professionals in our mid to late 30s. We’re from very different backgrounds, we’re both American but he is an atheist of european heritage and I’m a muslim of arab heritage. But we were so drawn to each other. Sparks flew from day one but at the same time there was immediately the shadow of how could it ever work, more so for him than for me. Although I practice my faith (including wearing a head scarf) and had avoided relationships outside my faith until then, with him it just felt right. We would have a period of months where we would see each other and have a great time. And then out of nowhere he would get antsy and say that he can’t be with me. And we would separate for a few months until one of us reaches out again. We would get back together happy after missing each other so much. And then inevitably the cycle would start again 4-6 months later. I can’t tell you how draining it was but also how miserable I was without him. I would push myself to get out there and have fun and I usually ended up meeting new guys soon after who were interested in me, but the chemistry was never there with anyone else. More than a few times I would come home after a date with one of those guys and cry because I missed my guy so much.
So anyway on Valentine’s day this year he ignored me. And when I reached out and told him I felt hurt he said there’s no point it’s not realistic. We exchanged a number of emails over the past couple of days. I was hoping to at least see him and talk in person but he kept saying that we’ve had the same conversation over and over and that he can’t see himself struggling with cultural/ religious issues These differences never came up at all in our relationship. But for him the fact that my belief is visible to the world to see is difficult. And with all the growing islamophobia and misconceptions about muslims everywhere it made the situation even more difficult. He just feels like it would be impossible to move the relationship forward because of that. Which means that he was obviously thinking about taking the relationship forward but keeps reaching that conclusion that the barriers cannot be overcome. But we never sat down and talked about what the barriers are and how we can overcome them together. He has his mind made up and doesn’t want to see me because he knows seeing me would change his mind. And that’s how we “broke up”.
I’m sure you’re reading all of this and shaking your head and thinking “doesn’t this girl have any self respect?” I honestly don’t know what to tell you. I am an otherwise extremely strong woman. But with him I found a connection I have never experienced before. I still love him and know that I will miss him like crazy but I am also so scared that I will never found that love again. I feel stuck and my hope for finding love and living a happy life is dwindling.

February 21, 2015 at 12:21 pm #73096

pink24
Participant

Hi Bpkhss,

I’m of Arab heritage as well, Muslim too, and even though I don’t practice my religion or wear a headscarf and was born in America, dating for me has certainly had its challenges, especially since 9/11. I’ve been in relationships with mostly American men, and in the end, it has always come down to culture. For whatever reason. And I don’t even speak Arabic! But I’m proud of who I am and where I come from. And I think that is what it is about.

My advice to you is to see beyond your feelings (I know that’s hard) and into who this person is as a human being. He isn’t open. Instead of running away, he could have had a more intelligent response of being intrigued and interested. Aren’t two cultures better than one? And honestly, can you picture taking a guy like that to the Middle East? Someone who wouldn’t appreciate it? I think he did you a favor being honest. Take it.

I know it just feels hopeless right now though, like you’ll never find love. But you will. Your heart is now open to it, you know? And just think–this guy wasn’t right, so you’re that much closer to finding it.

Good luck 🙂

Pink

February 21, 2015 at 3:58 pm #73103

Elle
Participant

Thank you for responding, Pink! I liked how you put it “aren’t two cultures better than one?”. That’s exactly how I feel. It will take time to get over this loss and let my heart heal. It really was love because I accepted him as he was, even if part of his personality wasn’t open to being scared of a relationship with me given my cultural background.
Do you think there are more open-minded guys out there? I feel like most guys don’t see me to begin with, you know, with headscarf and all. And I’m not the kind of person to think just stay within your “own community”. I want a relationship that makes my heart sing, not just a practical arrangement.

February 21, 2015 at 4:34 pm #73104

N.
Participant

Yes, there will be an open minded guy out there! Im a girl, but I definitely am not afraid of Islamic/Arabic people, as I know the people featured in the news are extremists. Its kinda like back in school, the whole class would get in trouble for a group of kids acting out of line lol
He was just to afraid to look past his own fears, and worried what other people might think because yall were together…

February 21, 2015 at 8:04 pm #73105

funsized
Participant

I agree with the rest that he isn’t an open minded guy. and instead of facing you personally he chose to be a coward and hid behind a screen thinking things would end better just via emails.
In the past, when I experienced heartache issues I would think the same as you- what if I wont be able to find that love again, because of such thinking we tend not to let go easily. As cliche as it may sound, it is true that time heals almost everything.
You will find that love again infact better. The world is twisted in such a way that ignorant people assume that everyone who practice islam religion is just like the ISIS members. I see those ISIS members as extremists, they are not muslims at all.

Give yourself sometime , keep your mind occupied and take one step a time, you will be able to get over this. Time.
You deserve someone better.

Here’s a good quote, my friend used to share with me , and I agree now totally with it:

View post on imgur.com

Take care

February 22, 2015 at 6:44 am #73134

Strawberry
Participant

Hi bkhphss,

Your story resonates with me as I was in a similar situation although my ex-partner is a muslim and not myself. We dated for two years until he decided that we wouldn’t work out as a couple due to our religious and cultural differences. It took him 2 years to realize that. Similar to you, we have not once sat down to discuss how we could overcome these obstacles together. I was willing to sacrifice many things for him as I love him very much only to have him give up on us. When we were breaking up, I told him to not hurt anyone
Like he did to me and to just follow his parent’s wishes in the form of an arranged marriage. At that time, he agreed to do just that. A few months after our separation, I came to know that he is now dating a divorces lady from a different religion and culture from him. Needless to say, I was devastated and I find that I do not know the true nature of this person that I was in involved with. I had posted my story almost a month ago on this same forum if you are interested to know more about my situation. Hang in there, pain ends. Be strong.

February 22, 2015 at 8:49 am #73140

pink24
Participant

Hey Bkphss- Yes, I do believe there are open-minded guys out there! I do. I do. I think it takes a lot for people to become open-minded though. And we’re lucky to be living in a time where that’s happening, slowly but surely. I love reading stories of people (like strawberry) who are willing to compromise. That just means there are more people like that out there, you know? I feel like the more we live the more we see that all that stuff–the culture, the rules, the expectations–just kind of fade away when you’re with a person who gets you. There aren’t that many out there like that, and when you find it, you hold onto it. And that’s an awesome thing to know about yourself. That means you’re on the right path to having the life you want.

It isn’t easy, and it feels lonely for sure. But just think, there’s someone out there going through exactly what you’re going through. Feeling the way you are feeling right now. Someone who was willing to compromise and sacrifice and see past all the ‘stuff’. Personally, my feeling about guys who can’t deal with Arab women aren’t very strong in their character. It’s great to be a man in Arab culture! Don’t they know that?? Lol.

Keep your head up, girl. Strawberry is right, pain ends. And you’ll see, in the end, what you get will be more and better than anything you ever imagined:)

Take care
Pink

February 22, 2015 at 1:17 pm #73163

Elle
Participant

@onewish, @funsized, @Strawberry and @pink24, thank you sooo much. You have no idea how much your notes of support and hope are helping me. I am still in a fog, still feeling that this is a bit surreal, still feeling sad, still hoping (although that hope is now less than 5%) that this isn’t the end of our relationship. One moment I can focus on other things in my life (work is all consuming unfortunately) one moment I can listen to a nice song and sing along and smile and a short time later I come back to earth and it hits me, I will probably never see him again. I have lost someone who I love so much and invested so much of myself in. One moment I feel like I did all I could, I gave him a chance to step up and hold my hand and together we could face any difficulty. Another moment I question if I could have done more, compromised more, shown him that I was even more flexible. Should I have avoided having that conversation that ended it through email and instead showed up at his place so that we could really put our thoughts and feelings vulnerably out there and save our love? Did I do all I can to hold on to our love? If there’s anything I can be accused of it’s being to empathetic. Should I have been more demanding instead of understanding? Should I have been more impulsive and spontaneous without caring that I would appear needy? Should I have been more street smart? Do guys hold on to a woman more if she is more distant and elusive?
I wonder if he asks himself these questions? He told me that he loved being with me, the talks we had, the incredible intimacy we shared. Is he now questioning what happened, or is he already moving on, already looking for the next relationship with a girl whose cultural background doesn’t add any stress to his cultural identity issues?
I know there’s nothing I can do now except ride that rollercoaster of emotions and stay hopeful that this will pass. It is still very scary. I want someone who is open-minded and can see beyond all that stuff, but I also want someone who is strong, someone with whom I have deep emotional and physical chemistry and it scares me that I may be asking for too much, looking for the proverbial needle in a haystack. You all know that in many cultures, the emphasis is on finding someone who is “good”, treats you well, etc, because relationship/ marriage is hard work and what’s important at the end of the day is that you’re with someone who meets some level of good character. But what if there is no passion? I know I know, what step at time, get through the pain of the break-up first and then see what happens….

February 22, 2015 at 3:45 pm #73184

funsized
Participant

Hi bpkhss

Those feelings and questions you asked yourself, I asked something similar when a relationship didn’t work out last Feb.
Now when I recalled back I am safe to say that I wasn’t at fault at all. We are just not compatible so don’t blame yourself for the outcome. There are fortunately other guys out there who are open minded, my friend’s relatives who are muslims have married foreign guys too .

Find someone who genuinely want to be with you but this is going to take time…

February 23, 2015 at 5:53 pm #73223

pink24
Participant

He’s out there for you. I know it 🙂 I feel like in a weird way, we get ready for the people we’re supposed to be with. Maybe through this relationship you’ve changed in ways you don’t see just yet. Everyone who we choose to spend with teaches us something, that’s for sure. I know how you feel though. All the unanswered questions. The ‘what ifs’. Sometimes I handle relationships like I handle work–I just want to do everything I can. But whenever I’d start to think like that, I’d look at my phone. If he’s not calling, he’s not fighting for me. And you know what, I want someone to fight for me. It’s not compromise if you’re the only one compromising, you know?

Pink 🙂

February 23, 2015 at 7:52 pm #73225

Elle
Participant

You guys are awesome. Thank you for taking the time to respond and keep my spirits up. I want someone to genuinely want to be with me/ fight for me too. Hopefully he will come along at some point.

February 26, 2015 at 12:18 am #73294

Mia
Participant

HA!!!!

When I read your post it feels like I’m reading my own story in real life. Never thought that anyone somewhere in this world has a similar feeling and experience with me. The difference is I’m a Buddhist and the one that I love so dearly is a Moeslim.

We didn’t become a couple in an usual and easy way. He sacrificed a LOT to get my heart and to make me feel this deep towards him. At the first time we met, he wasn’t as religious as now. He assured me that we can handle this difference. He will fight for us.

5 years of wonderful time with him has passed… We are getting into late 20 and he starts to think about marriage and settle down. His love didn’t change a bit. But his religiousness has improved tremendously… and the aftermath… he let go of me. 🙁

He wants to marry me, but Islam doesn’t allow it. He wants me to convert. But I can’t. It’s about faith and believe system. I can’t imagine myself being a Moeslim. And I will hurt the relationship between me and my parents for sure. In the end, he feels that there’s no way out for us, he wants to move on, he wants me to move on as well, he cut the rope.

I broke up with my bf 3 weeks ago, after 5 years together. It feels like hell and stuffs (brokenheart stuffs) I couldnt stop crying.

And strangely, just like you, I’m a fighter, I’m not easily give up or feeling down in life, but this broken relationship struck me like nothing. I had a breakdown for 2 weeks. Cry in everyplace, because every place reminds me of him, of how sweet and great we were.

Now, I’m more composed, but it doesn’t mean the pain is less…

I’m happy to find this thread. It’s all start from when I search about “How to combat negative thought” and I landed to one article in tinybuddha… It’s very relatable to me.

Then on the right side, I see this thread… I opened it. My jaw dropped… there’s nothing such a coincidence… I’m meant to join this forum and read the empowering comments here

I really love all the comments here… Will reply again soon, I need to get back to work first.

February 26, 2015 at 3:21 am #73297

Mia
Participant

I just finished read the whole thread… and we are/were all once in the same situation.

@Strawberry it must be painful for you, to know he’s dating someone, moreover with different culture and religion, I believe the big WHY haunted you at that time.

@bpkhss
We are pretty much in the same frequency… eveyr thoughts you have in mind, I have it too..

I just can’t understand why he said he wants me to be happy, he doesn’t want me to waste my time anymore, I should find someone better to be my husband. He said he loves me enough to let me go.

How could he say that, while in this moment, my happiness is being with him? How could he say that he loves me, while the fact that he leaves me has shattered everything inside me? I’ve read many self help articles and books during this hard time, it helps me to steel my heart to face my future.

I choose not to hate him, still love him, and keep positive thinking flowing, no matter how impossible it may seem.

February 26, 2015 at 8:31 am #73308
Alf
Participant
What’s more important, labels or love?

All religions and beliefs work towards the same core values of building family and a better world out of love, the devil – as they say – is in the details.

If either partner chooses to prioritize said details above said core then in my book that’s a mistake. But it’s a mistake which some people have to make. If you still love those people you can try and make them see this, but it is their own choice.

I’d say the best way to guiding them to being enlightened on this is just to allow them to walk their path, and keep walking your own. Stay open to the possibility is could all work out, but also be aware that you can’t force it.
- This reply was modified 9 years, 9 months ago by Alf.
February 26, 2015 at 10:06 am #73312

Mia
Participant

@Alf

I 100% agree to what you’ve said. For me religion is only label. That’s why I don’t mind if he continues being a Moeslim for the rest of his life. And all I ask from him, please let me believe what I believe… we have been a couple for 5 years and so far it has not been an issue for us. But when it comes to a marriage… He said he can’t go further anymore. No compromise. No tolerance. Because the Qoran and his God doesn’t allow it.

As a Buddhist, of course his decision sounds ridiculous and frustrating for me.. but as you said, no matter how I put it, how I tried to make him see this, he just couldn’t see what I see. He made his own choice. He chose to let go of me. No mater how much he loves me… he is determined to do this.

And in the end, we have to walk on our own path… and the best thing to do is, being positive in every way I could.
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