What is cheating?

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This topic has 12 replies, 10 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 7 months ago by Will.

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April 8, 2015 at 12:52 pm #75080

Heidi
Participant

Dear Brothers & Sisters,

I need guidance. I am in a relationship with someone who if he had to choose a box, would call himself a Buddhist. We are going to be on our 3rd year in November of 2015. I am a christian who only recently, and because of him mostly, have started looking outside of what I was taught for the truth of life, finding peace and learning how to love myself. Its a hard and scary battle because it goes against everything I was taught. And now I am struggling with a piece of our relationship – I don’t want to react how I normally would (getting emotional, unintentionally guilt tripping etc.) but I also feel like I need to lay a boundary, and I also feel like I could potentially be asking for something that I do not need to ask for.

Ryan has a friend named Ashley who is very intelligent, like him, and who he has a close relationship with. They have known each other for years and there was a brief period where things got complicated between them (not sure what that means), and now have recently started talking again. I want to make it clear that they are both philosophers, and intellectual beings who love to talk about the universe and other such topics together. I recently ran across some statements though that made me cringe, and I am torn because I don’t feel that I can go to Ryan about them without making him upset, but I am upset and feel lost. Part of the issue is that Ryan is a self-proclaimed “Sapiosexual” being, meaning that he is attracted to intelligence. With that being said, I feel like he is on a slippery slope with her, due to the following statements between Ryan and Ashley;

*Ry, I have to tell you that I have one phobia about you getting married ….. I am truly hoping that your marriage does not bode that way for our friendship (Ashley)
*If I had to be your “secret friend,” I would. But, I really hope it doesn’t happen. (Ashley)
*But all in all, though she is far from what my ideal candidate would be, and very hot headed and stubborn at times, she really is good for me. (Ryan)
* She is not on my intellectual level and you are.(Ryan)
*I have a few thousand dollars set aside for my ever-impending journey westward. However, my parents are hell-bent on pushing the “Ashley, you cannot travel alone” thing and i cannot seem to find anyone who can leave town for three weeks to accompany me. So, let me put enough aside for a plane ticket to your August wedding, buy you a round-trip ticket home, and let’s roadtrip to Providence and Nashville…go see them…and Gettysburg, Boston, and NYC if that’s okay, too. Let’s take a trip that only we would enjoy, a historical journey through time, as one last hurrah before you are wed. What do you say? We can start planning immediately if you’re down, because the money is just sitting there. (Ashley)
* Ending emails in “Love You”, “Much Love”, ect.

I am NOT comfortable with him going three weeks with her, I would rather her come and hang out with both of us (she lives out of state). I geuss to I am hurt by what he said….envious? Not so much because I am proud of my strengths, more so hurt because it feels like he is being dishonest with me.He doesn’t know I read these emails, he left them up on his phone and I got lost in them.

I wanted to confront him about this but am so torn – Am I over-thinking this? Should I just back off and let them go on the trip, and be happy about it? I dont want my selfishness to get in the way of his happiness, however I am concerned that being with someone for three weeks on a trip, alone, who intellectually stimulates you, who you have a history with, and who is having a hard time in their own relationship, is a slippery slope and area of temptation. And his statement about me being far from his ideal candidate…. does that mean he is just settling? Because I would never want to be with someone who feels that way, his “ideal candidate” could one day come along and then what? He regrets making the decision to marry me?

Anyways – I am in desperate need of feedback. The people I could talk to are either immature, or just dont understand…. I really am falling in love with Buddhist philosophies and I want to apply them to my life. Thats why I question if he is even doing anything wrong, or if its just me? I have no buddhist friends that can offer me advice, and I had hoped that I could get some feedback on whether or not his actions are wrong, or if I am wrong for just not letting it go…..

Thanks in advance (:

April 8, 2015 at 1:11 pm #75083

Heidi
Participant

Also, guy perspective would be greatly appreciated….. like”Hey Heidi, you are just being a typical, irrational female!” LOL (:

April 8, 2015 at 4:25 pm #75093

Jim
Participant

Heidi,

You sound like a respectful and sensitive person in thinking about the person you love, Ryan, and his close friend. And it sounds like you are all intelligent and caring people. While it sounds like they have a close friendship, you and Ryan have a love relationship, and that is just as important if not more so. I think it is completely appropriate to express your needs in a situation like this, and asking the person you love and will marry to not go on a trip alone with another woman because it makes you uncomfortable is not unreasonable. Especially since you do not want them to separate completely. I know I would feel uncomfortable in such a situation.

Good luck, you deserve to be happy too.

April 8, 2015 at 4:51 pm #75094
Inky
Participant
The Direct Way: I know a good Buddhist practices Non-Attachment and Sexual Morality. Those would be good things to bring up to Ashley ~ if you call her and confront her ~ and him for that matter. Be all, “Hey, what you texted/emailed my fiancé is inappropriate. It makes me think you’re not our friend. Please be mature about this and don’t make our new life difficult. The trip is not happening.” Say “We” and “Our” a lot.

The Conversation, if you Choose to Accept It: Tell him what you’ve read right away. Now. Tonight. Get this out of the way and ancient history before the wedding. If he’s leaving his email/texts open for all to see, you are indeed more than his intellectual equal, and you are also indeed his ideal candidate because you are giving him the grace of a good Buddhist/Christian/Human to forgive him.

I sense you do not want to rock the boat so close to the August wedding. But you are NOT overreacting. Ashley AND his crappy attitude towards you have got to go! No bride wants or needs that!

The Indirect Way: Tell her that Ryan told you all about the trip and when are we all going? Tell him that Ashley told you all about the trip and when are we all going?? (Hint: This is a surefire way to make sure the trip doesn’t happen.

Friend her on FB. Every week post romantic pics of the two of you.

Tell him everyday how Ideal you two are as a couple. And one, “I’m so glad I’ve found someone of my Intellectual Level” in for good measure!
- This reply was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by Inky.
April 8, 2015 at 5:01 pm #75096
Inky
Participant
P.S. I would Choose the Direct Way.

(Sorry, this post got me so angry for you!! I just. I can’t. Aargh!! Stupid fiancé! grrrrrrr….)

I wish you happiness and his Enlightenment of how awesome you are!!!
- This reply was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by Inky.
April 8, 2015 at 8:11 pm #75102

Lexie
Participant

Hi Heidi,
Sorry, I’m not a guy but I’ve been around the block a few times. I’m sure that I’m old enough to be your mother.

Honey, honey, please. I am very concerned about some things that Ryan said.

But all in all, though she is far from what my ideal candidate would be, and very hot headed and stubborn at times, she really is good for me. (Ryan)
* She is not on my intellectual level and you are

Your future husband is telling another woman (that he’s been in a “complicated” relationship with—eyes rolling) that:

1. you are not his ideal candididate
2. that you are not at his intellectual level.

The woman that he’s confiding in, in private (he thinks) IS his intellectual match.

AND he’s traveling alone with her for three weeks?

Look, I don’t know you or him, but just reading those words from strangers was like a knife in my heart.

I agree. There doesn’t need to be any drama. I don’t think there even needs to be any discussion.

If I was in your shoes, I would break off the engagement. No argument. No drama. No tears. (yes, of course, you’ll cry.)

He wants you because you’re good for him.

You’re good for him? Good for what? Certainly not intellectual banter. ewww… I can’t even begin to imagine how horrible you must be feeling. What a jerk!

I’ve been on many forums and only happen to be here because a friend of mine has a guest post. The word infidelity caught my eye. I finally left my wasband 2.5 years ago and am grateful I worked up the strength to do so. You can’t change people.

The only one you can change is you.

Something else I’ve learned over the years is that when someone comes out with an SOS like this, they already know the answer. They just aren’t ready to face it.

I’m so sorry Heidi, but I think this guy is bad news. He sounds selfish and abusive. Emotionally abusive.

Please take care of your heart and soul. I am wishing you much strength during this difficult time. I promise you, however, that it will get better. In time, it will.

xo,

Lexie

April 8, 2015 at 11:28 pm #75103

Anonymous
Inactive

Dear Heidi,

I dunno much about the Buddhist stuff – I am not really that spiritual in any way but i can give you some…ground advice. I have had a bit of experience on both planes and i will state it as follows – He will get involved with her temporarily, sporadically because of that bond they share. It wont mean much to them because its just a bond that has no real name to them – not a sex thing, not an intellectual thing – they are just two souls who match but cant stay with eachother for too long.

Over time though, there are some basic differences which both of you cant ignore – if he already feels you arent intellectually to his level, spiritually you arent that big a match either – then what would you run it on once the attraction and admiration or the initial honeymoon phase is over? I dunno about buddhism but i am talking from common sense plane – Are you really sure this is the guy for you? Is this really the kind of man you want to get married to? This is going to be difficult but i think you gotta really think this through – talk to a close friend, some family member.

Hope you get to an answer.

-Moon

April 9, 2015 at 6:46 am #75106

Kath
Participant

Please do not fall in the pitfall of thinking that you need accept every behaviour to be a good buddhist and get rid of suffering… You will end up clinging to a relationship and sanctioning yourself all the time and that is not the aim of buddhism at all.
Letting go is something that should happen within the space of your mind – it does not mean your partner can do everything he wants and you need to accept it! Lettin go can also mean to walk away from something without anger.

Please don’t marry someone who thinks you are not an ideal match (FAR from the ideal match) and who hasn’t got your back! Why would he talk about you in such a way?? There are too many good men out there who will love you just the way you are, and who will cherish and accept your weaknesses and STILL think you are the perfect match!!
You are good for him? You need to be loved, not USED as a bandaid!

Buddhism is a path that can be very healing, that can help to lighten suffering. But we are human beings, and we need love, even if it sometimes means struggling.

My only maybe buddhist but very personal advice:
Free yourself from wanting to be the perfect bride for him.
Forgive him for using you as a bandaid.
Walk away in peace.

April 9, 2015 at 10:37 am #75121

Jojo
Participant

You ask the question “What is cheating?” – well what you describe is cheating. Its an emotional affair. You are correct, he is on a slippery slope.

If he is doing this before the wedding, he will do it after the wedding. There will always be a new Ashley because she isn’t the problem. His poor boundaries are.

End the engagement, walk away and find someone who loves you just as you are.

April 9, 2015 at 10:51 am #75122

Heidi
Participant

Thank you everyone for your feedback and support, I really appreciate it. I have ALOT of soul searching to do…..

April 9, 2015 at 11:15 am #75123

Tallulah Grainer
Participant

Get out now. He may be a Buddhist and he may be intelligent but that does not mean that he is right in all his decisions. It is very insensitive and demeaning of him to discuss you the way he did with this other woman. What bothers me most is that he does not consider you to be as intelligent as him. This is a huge warning sign. He does not consider you to be his equal and this will cause problems in your relationship down the line. Honor yourself. Trust your intuition- it is trying to tell you this is not right. You deserve more out of a loving relationship then to be with someone who would put his friendship with another woman before your emotional comfort. Take care of yourself! I wish you the very best!

April 9, 2015 at 1:13 pm #75133

Kori Elizabeth
Participant

Sister,

Reading this hurt my heart for you. I am going through my own relationship struggle but can tell you when you see the signs before the marriage-don’t dismiss them. They will only grow and become magnified as time goes by.

You deserve so much.

When I read that part about “she is good for me” it instantly made me want to ask you that question in reverse. Is this man “good for you?” Does he have your best interest at heart? I think you already have your answer, but this is only something you can decide.

Know your own worth-you are his equal, if he can’t see that (pshhhh) he doesn’t deserve you. Don’t settle, sister.

You are loved.

<3 Kori

April 10, 2015 at 7:55 am #75150

Will
Participant

Heidi, you are not being irrational. The way he talks about you to his friend is not on. I suggest you speak to him.
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